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Journey of the Frozen Phoenix ~Comments~

 
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6/25/2008 14:23:25   
Ricobabie
Member

Story thread here: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=14056826

AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
7/1/2008 12:45:13   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!
How come no one's commented this yet?!
I read the story up to chapter 4; meaning that I stopped around this line
quote:

Wow I haven't written this in ages but now I shall continue it ^^

Is that there on purpose?

I quite like the mood of the story: it's kinda barren environment, with nothing moving on the surface, but a lot of things blowing around in the wind and under the surface!

Anyways, here's some comments I thought along the way, I hope you take no offense on my occasional brutality. =P

Prologue

1)
quote:

It had been seven years since the war ended between the two clans. The planet was desolated, empty, and dead. The two clans had destroyed each other completely, annihilated each other’s resources, and killed many innocent people. All that was left was the barren earth, pain, sorrow and suffering.

This is the beginning.
May I suggest something: Switch the places of the two first sentences to get a more more powerful start. This way you'll be avoiding the unfortunate touch of "Since the Ancient Romans" one gets when starting with 'xxx years ago'. You could also switch the verb and tie some of the sentences together:
'The planet stood desolated, empty, and dead; filled with nothing but barren earth, pain, sorrow, and endless suffering. Seven years had passed since the war ended between two clans; they had destroyed each other completely, annihilated each other's resources, and killed many innocent people.'

2)
quote:

Flaming Cerberus contained members of fire who can transform into powerful fire canines.

Since it's in the past, I suspect that should be 'could'.

3)
quote:

As soon as the betrayal broke out, the two clans went into instant war.

A mutiny can break out but can betrayal? ImHo, this would sound better if replaced with 'mutiny', or if you want to keep the word 'betrayal' here, change the verb to 'came out' or 'was revealed' or something along those lines.

Chapter 1

4)
quote:

They lived in a small apartment ever since the war ended,and made their living by selling recycled paper. Although their apartment was small, you can still feel the family unit and warmth that resided.

I'm quite confused with the tenses here. I suspect that that first 'lived' should be 'had lived' and that 'can' should be 'could', but as I myself suck at tenses, you'd better double check my suggestions here. =P

5)
quote:

“How come it’s forbidden?” I questioned again, waitng for her answer as I sat in the kitchen chair.

Just a typo: 'waiting'. If you want, you could describe your main character a bit here, like how's she sitting in the chair: playing with her hair, looking hungrily as her mother cooks, etc? And how's the chair? Hard? Soft? Too high for her?

6)
quote:

“Yes you can dear.”

Not 100% sure, but a comma before 'dear'?

Chapter 2

7)
quote:

The many trees of the forest rustled softly as the wind swept passed them, dust rolled along the solemn ground, along with the dead leaves.

OK, there's nothing wrong with that 'many', it just feels a bit bland word for such a dreamy scene you're portraying here. So, how about: 'The multitude of trees in the forest'?
Also, 'the wind swept past them'?

8)
quote:

My heart started to beat faster and faster as if it jumped out; sweat dripped on my back and my hands turned cold.

'as if it would jump out', perhaps?

9)
quote:

Like a flash, I was in a completely differently place.

I'm not sure of this; do you mean: 'Like in a flash'?

10)
quote:

Unexpectedly, a lit stair case appeared right in front of me, little by little each step emerged and ascended upwards.

'staircase' without the space

11)
quote:

I opened my eyes and noticed nothing happen.

'happened'?

12)
quote:

The images were shuffling quickly, flashed about as new ones appeared every so often.

'flashing'?

13)
quote:

Instead it stayed as a ball.

Not 100% sure of this, but: 'Instead, it stayed in ball-form.'??

14)
quote:

I didn’t dare moving closer,

'dare to move'?

15)
quote:

Soon the glass ball liquefy, elongated, stretched, twisted, expanded, then finally took form of a woman.

The tense doesn't seem to match up: 'liquefied'?
Also, I suspect that you need an article there: 'took the form of a woman'?

16)
quote:

As I wall smashed into pieces grabbed to one of the many pieces tightly, I looked down at the what used to be the floor.

I'm sorry, but you've completely lost me with this sentence...

17)
quote:

It sucked everything in, the wall, light, and me.

'the light'?

18)
quote:

I had to get myself out of this before I get drawn into the vortex.

Again, the tenses seem a bit odd to me. If this is a thought, then it might go like: 'I have to get myself out of this before I'm drawn into the vortex.' In italics.
If it's not a thought, then how about: 'I had to get myself out of there before I would get drawn into the vortex.'?

19)
quote:

I sat up, looked at the room around me and whispered, “Ok it was just a dream.”

I suspect that should be 'OK.' Also, comma after it, I think?

OK, that was the beginning!
Please, let me know if you want me to throw more of my suggestions at you.... I'm not very fast at commenting but I'll do it with my own continental-drift-mode pace....

Didn't feel like reposting a reply XD So I edit. Thnx for the critique ^_^ For some reason I never caught those mistakes XD ~Rico


< Message edited by Ricobabie -- 7/9/2008 21:10:33 >
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