Firefly
Lore-ian
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It's interesting how you're adding excerpts to the chapters. I'd put them after the chapter titles in order to make them seem less cluttered, but it's your call.
I've finally managed to get some time to read this. Mind you, I didn't read the revised chapters, only the extended prologue and the Book of Magi excerpts so my opinions are probably off. But, well...
*takes a deep breath and mutters, "Nex is a big boy. He can handle it."*
I don't think I like it.
I'm not usually this blunt, but I'm not critiquing your writing here. I'm evaluating if the added stuff is necessary to the story and I think... no. The writing is very good and you capture emotion very powerfully. The Book of Magi parts have tones that separate it from the rest of the story without being unreadable ye olde English or something. However, it might be because I read it all in one chunk instead of spaced out through the story, but I htink this is taking a lot of focus away from the original themes of the story. Perhaps you changed the rest of the story to conform to the new focus. I don't know. Perhaps I'm too attached to the old version. That's possible. But, well... I'll give some reasons here. I'm sorry if I sound extremely blunt but I really like this story. That's why I'm saying this. Remember, "I don't like it" is relative. You're still one of L&L's best. Just compared to what the old story delivered.
I don't like the extended prologue. No, actually I /do/ like it, but I don't like the way it's positioned. I really liked how you ended the old prologue with just the first scene and then revealed bits of Martin's past piece by piece (like when they mention how he wasn't born here, that's why he has memories, ect. And later on you were going to say that he has a sister, though it isn't revealed yet). I think the new version is too infodumpy (not good, considering that both the Book of Magi excerpts and the first chapter are technically infodumps as well).
It's also, well... I mean, when you lump it together like that, it feels like one of those "the pages the author writes when they're stalling until the real story." I'm one in the camp that thinks, "If the prologue is just used to set up tone/mood, then it's not needed. Begin where the action starts." In your case, your prologue is necessary, but the old way of giving the info piece by piece was better. It's more challenging, and it requires more juggling, but I think it's really the proper bar for a writer of your caliber. It also raises many questions and leaves the reader turning the pages (or scrollbar) to find out. Now, you're just giving it all away. Frankly, readers need a little incentive to make their lazy fingers move. They don't deserve all the serving the dish up front.
I think the best story isn't one where the reader is always comfortable, but rather one that makes the reader frustrated and addicted, where they can't put the book down, where the author is juggling a thousand things but dropping none of them, where the author says things that don't make sense but promises the reader that they'll make sense sometime, and ultimately fulfills those promises and creates a spectacular story. I think the old version's way of giving out Martin's past did this better. Also, I really liked the way you ended the first scene. It was much more powerful alone as opposed to being lumped together with the rest of the scenes.
Conclusion: The information is important, but I'd rather you keep just the first scene for the prologue. Other stuff can wait. Give the info through dialogue, interaction, when it pops up, ect. And use the scenes for flashbacks if you must. But I'd rather you integrate them elsewhere rather than use them in the prologue.
Btw...
spoiler:
I remember you mentioning to me that Mundane can develop abilities. If Martin's father was one of these, well, that'll be a good way to reveal that piece of info. I might be remembering wrong though, and from what I'm seeing on the prologue, I don't think that's the case. But I suggest that you make it like that. Your story, your call. For all I know, this might not even be true. I can't say for sure that you told me that. Might be my imagination.
As for the Book of Magi excerpts, well... *takes another deep breath* You seem to be making atheist statements with them. That's fine. I read Pullman's His Dark Materials without being offended, and controversial = interest = readers. BUT! I don't agree with making it a big part of Institution. That's because I looked upon this story as a good study of human nature, the raising of children, ect. Those were all brilliant themes. Adding in atheist ideas seems to eclipse the other focuses of the story. And I really liked those focuses. Again, it might be because I read the Book of Magi in one gulp instead of spaced out. Or perhaps you edited the rest of the chapters so that the focus is on this rather than the original themes. Those things would make what I say not apply. However, if that's not the case, then I feel that you're... well... sacrificing the story for the opinions on religion. I'm doing my best to speak from a purely literary POV so I hope I'm not going to incite any dangerous debates. This has nothing to do with whether I personally agree with your views or not.
I note that the later Book of Magi excerpts were more story-ish rather than pro-evolution-ish. The early parts just seemed to focus on "There's no Arcos" too much. I personally don't think that is a great focus for the story, and it might make some poor, ignorant reader think you're writing, er... "atheist propaganda" rather than an engaging story. Obviously, since I read Institution, I know you're writing the latter. But I think opening the story with a those statements isn't the best idea because it can give off a wrong impression.
Also, the earlier comments seemed to lack a bit of depth. I found the first excerpt especially baffling. I don't think any religion is meant to be thought of in such literal terms because in that case, of course it's not possible. But if God really made the world, then he can do anything, even if it disobeys the laws of physics or whatever. So that basically defeats any "no way there can be a man moulding everything outta clay" arguments. Just trying to analyze this from a literary POV... But still, I don't find the comments either funny or enlightening.
In terms of the way it's written, my only objection is that the "And so <insert item here> was created" repetitions did get on my nerves a bit. Again, I read them in one chunk. But I think some of those weren't needed. For example, "Thus were Triggers created." was slightly lame. I mean, Triggers aren't really technical beings like Mundane or Arcane. And you basically just /said/ they were created, only in more detailed terms. This is needless and a bit redundant.
As for the prologue, I think you can add more description and detail to the second two scenes. I want to /feel/ the flames, feel their anguish, feel everything.
I basically think that the new additions are well written, but I think the way you organized them was a bit messy. I suggest:
- Moving the later two scenes of the prologue elsewhere and/or giving the info in other ways. In other words, retain the old mystery feeling around Martin's past.
- Beginning the story with the prologue, then the first chapter, like before. And /then/ start inserting the Book of Magi excerpts.
- Deepen the comments on the Book of Magi excerpts. Give stronger /whys/ regarding Martin's feelings about Acros ect. Right now, the reason that it's "obviously false" is based entirely on a literal understanding which, frankly, undermines the spirituality of any religion to begin with.
- Make sure you don't overshadow other things with the Book of Magi and the past scenes, ect. The present story is still the focus, I believe.
I did find one typo:
quote:
Let the same number control water, the same air, and the same the ground you live on, and so together they may control the natural powers of the .”
I think you forgot a word at the end there. Maybe "world" or "earth"?
And finally, I noticed that this whole part lacks line breaks. I noticed it while scrolling for the excerpts.
quote:
David, the Silencer seated next to Maybelle, is next. He says in a quiet voice, “I am called David Wallace. I am a Private in Unit 156. You know my ability.” As he sits down, his medium-length red hair falls in front of his eyes. He leaves it there. I get the impression that he is extremely shy.
Next is the short, pudgy man who had served me in the Cafeteria a few days ago. He coughs wetly into his hand, wipes it on his uniform, and pats his stomach. He is a rather disgusting man, barely five feet tall, and even fatter than Tutelary Wachsberger. He is pale, though, in contrast with Wachsberger’s ruddy complexion.
“I,” he wheezes phlegmily, “am Tutelary Ruben. I can Excrete a sticky substance from my hands that can camouflage an area.” He sees my confused expression and adds, “I’ll show you.”
He reaches out his hand. An oozing, pus-like liquid drips from his fingertips and forms a small wall on the floor about an inch high. He concentrates on his hand and the drips turn into a torrent. The wall builds higher and higher until it is at a level with his head. I’m still confused as to what he means by camouflage: all he has done is made a four-foot tall wall of revolting yellow gunk. Then, almost instantly, the entire wall turns transparent—and Tutelary Ruben is not there anymore. I concentrate on the spot where he used to be seated, but my eyes slide around it and I can’t focus on it.
“You see?” comes a voice from behind the wall. “The ooze camouflages me.” The wall turns yellow again, and then evaporates. I grimace involuntarily.
Seated beside Ruben is Aleksander. He stands up, smiles at me, and says, “Hello, Martin.” He turns to the rest of the circle. “We’ve met. Martin knows my name and ability.” Aleks sits down.
Everyone in the circle turns to me. I clear my throat. “My name is Martin Fairweather. I am the Second Officer of Arcane Soldier Unit 42. I serve under Mikael, and I can Reflect things.” I flick my hand, concentrating on David. Suddenly there are two of him. Both of him look up in alarm. Smiling, I dismiss the apparition.
Mikael is speaking again. “As you all know except Martin, we are all here because of our disloyalty to the Righteous Cause and its glorious leader.” He says “righteous” and “glorious” with a contemptuous sneer. “During our previous meetings, we—”
At that moment, something occurs to me. “What about Oliver?” I ask. Mikael frowns at me.
“Who?”
“Oliver. I remember a few days ago, when I was eating. Everyone here gave me a look, as if they were trying to say something to me. Do you all remember that?” They nod. “Well, before I got into the Cafeteria, Oliver—Mikael, he was our First Officer before you—gave me the same look.”
Mikael furrows his eyebrows. “I know of him, although I have never met him… I did not invite him here, though.”
Maybelle laughs. “Him? Ha! I saw him sucking up to the Tutelaries in the halls even before he disappeared—went to the Honor Arcane, didn’t he? You have to be pretty damn loyal to the Cause to do that. He would never betray the Archmage.” I feel my stomach tighten—I’m two thirds of the way there myself.
“So… why was he looking at me?” I look around the circle perplexedly.
Mikael sighs. “I don’t know, Martin. Perhaps he recognized you.” I don’t believe this for a second—the look he gave me wasn’t just a glance of recognition. Mikael looks at me and says, “May I continue?” Embarrassed, I nod.
I know my comments look daunting. I myself am rewriting a story and I really wouldn't feel so jolly if someone told me they liked the old more. However, note that my objections aren't based on the writing, but on the organization. You won't need rewrites to take care of those things. Some rearranging and a few additions would be enough. And ultimately, it is your story. Since what I suggest is subjective, please don't give up your own voice if you disagree. But I really hope you consider some of the things I say since I believe I have said helpful things (of course I believe that. Or else I wouldn't say them. =P).
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