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Ciaran's works - comments and criticism

 
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6/26/2008 0:29:55   
Ciaran
Member

The Krystal Diminishes <-- story
Krystal's Embrace <-- short story
Julina's Wish <-- another short story
Julina's Enslavement <-- Short story the third
Julina's Emancipation <-- I like writing short stories, don't I?
Praise for stupidity <-- a speech I wrote a while ago.
The Sculptor <-- It's easy to come up with captions when I keep using things like Short Story Number V.

Any and all comments and/or criticisms are welcome. For those of you who like to tear stories apart, this includes you. :P

< Message edited by Ciaran -- 8/26/2010 18:52:56 >
AQ DF  Post #: 1
6/26/2008 23:55:29   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


quote:

Her arm, however, refused to move. They seemed to be tied behind her back.
First sentence indicates one arm, then the second refers to both. I think they need to correspond.

***The first large paragraph has an awful lot of "she", "her", and names starting the sentences. The repetition is a bit tiring on the brain. You need to vary the sentence structure.

quote:

Krystal had transformed into a werewolf.
I believe that you have given enough information to not jsut blatantly state what she had become.


Other than that, you have polished this nicely. I think you did well introducing this story/novel. I like what has been changed from the original version I read a month ago. THe next installation will be highly anticipated.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
6/27/2008 1:03:07   
Ciaran
Member

quote:

***The first large paragraph has an awful lot of "she", "her", and names starting the sentences. The repetition is a bit tiring on the brain. You need to vary the sentence structure.

I don't want to write like Yoda talks. I'm not sure how else to write it. >_<
AQ DF  Post #: 3
6/27/2008 12:03:31   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Perhaps instead of just stating she can't do something, explain her predicament in thought. Her hands are bound so have her think about how much she hates not being able to use them because they are bound. Her immobility has got to annoy her. Maybe a mental rant about binding and such? I just htink in this instance since you don't want to "write like Yoda talks" using a different method to portray Krystal's predicament would be best to avoid the repetition. Heck, even have her talk to herself in frustration/anger/etc.

And it can incorporate a lot of characterization development in Krystal also.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 4
7/7/2008 23:47:35   
Ciaran
Member

Sorry I'm so late, had a bit of a family emergency last week.
I haven't applied the previous suggestions to this chapter. I can't figure out what Krys would be thinking with regard to her conscience. That'll change later, hopefully.
Second chapter is posted.
AQ DF  Post #: 5
7/19/2008 0:33:53   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Chapter 2!

It was good to see a little more depth to Krystal in this chapter. You introduce a voice that harasses her, that put here where she was. Then you show a softer side of her that makes you empathize.

I think, during the mental conversation, you could add a little bit more in the way of external detail. The whole time she is talking to the voice she isn't doing anything. You could add some body language, some exasperation, her looking around while talking about trying to get loose, etc. Involve the outside with the internal. I do this when my characters talk to their dragons. I forget that there is an external world that needs to be woven in.

I like this chapter, as it is now taking us into the story, giving us a goal to strive for as we read.

quote:

A voice started talking in Krystal's mind. So what now? The Shielders don't trust you, and probably most of the adventurers have heard of you by now. The paladins trusted you with their most closely guarded secret, and you have betrayed their trust. Whatcha gonna do now?
I do not like starting this paragraph with "A voice started talking..." I would prefer to see something typed like that in the middle of the thought. i.e.

So what now? The Shielders don't trust you, and probably most of the adventurers have heard of you. A voice pierced through the pain, invading her thoughts. The paladins trusted you with their most closely guarded secret, and you have betrayed their trust. Whatcha gonna do now?

quote:

I'm not strong enough to break the binds, and I can't cast without horrendous mana burn.
The bolded part seems incomplete as if a word or two are missing. "without causing/getting/receiving a horrendous"

Sorry I didn't find anything more. :P


AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 6
7/24/2008 23:20:21   
Ciaran
Member

No need to apologize xD. Silly Euky.

Chapter 3 up.
AQ DF  Post #: 7
8/22/2008 3:24:21   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Chapter 3

quote:

The night in Vivios Forest was often described as beautiful. The forest itself was very tall, at least one thousand five hundred feet. There were not a lot of branches until two hundred feet from the top, so what light got through the canopy made it to the forest floor. The trunks appeared to be different shades of green, as the leaves in the canopy filtered the white moonlight to be green.

Every sentence starts with The _______. Unacceptable for a writer like you. Vary it up.

quote:

There were not a lot of branches until two hundred feet from the top, so what light got through the canopy made it to the forest floor.

I do not like the structure of this sentence. It is actually too simple, believe it or not. First of all, beginning with “there were” is weak, too basic. Knowing your style, something more like “Patches of moonlight scattered across the forest floor, slowly changing pattern as the sparse branches high above in the canopy swayed in the breeze. A man could climb nearly all the way to the top before reaching the first branches, which pushed into the open air two hundred feet from the canopy top.”

quote:

The trunks appeared to be different shades of green, as the leaves in the canopy filtered the white moonlight to be green.

The words need to be re-arranged somewhat and romanticized, if that is even understandable. And it must connect to the previous sentence(s) however you edit them. “Moolight filtered through the canopy leaves, casting a greenish hue, turning the normal brown of the tree trunks several shades of green.”

quote:

A man stood alone in a relative clearing. There were no trees around for fifty feet, which in this forest was quite rare. The moonlight illuminated his light blue skin, black hair, and the ebon clothes of a vampire hunter. His dark brown eyes glowed in the darkness in a color that cannot be accurately described.

Based on the potential bulking up on the beginning, the simple sentence in this paragraph is actually good. It takes you from the mysterious and somewhat daunting setting to the center of attention.

quote:

There were no trees around for fifty feet, which in this forest was quite rare.

Now we go back to drawing attention to the setting. You talk about the moonlight illuminating him, why don’t you use that same concept to alert the reader to the clearing. Describe the full fall on moonlight on the leafless floor of the clearing, giving him an unnatural feeling of vulnerability in this particular forest. Cause the moonlight to slowly fade into shadow at about fifty feet into the dense forest, and have this detail recognized by the man in the clearing. Knowing what I have read about him, that would be a detail he takes into consideration.

quote:

His dark brown eyes glowed in the darkness in a color that cannot be accurately described.

The repetition of dark is distracting.

quote:

The man heard a rustling sound from the bushes nearby. Fearing that more were around, he literally vanished from sight.

I think a little more detail is needed here. “Fearing that more were around” is vague, though I assume you mean more paladins. You may want to add something here.

quote:

The man in black cautiously faded back in, then walked another three hundred yards or so before stopping. He whistled out a call, and a beautiful hawk flew down from the trees and perched itself on his left shoulder.

I don’t think you can fade back in, as fade means to disappear slowly. I would use re-emerge, phase, or something else along those lines. Don’t just say he whistled, describe it. Make it personal, something that pulls the reader and makes them hear it. Sound is a very important part of setting. Was it a trill, a low call, a high pitched call that ended flatly? Often, people who tame birds of prey have a very specific call trained into the bird.


Again, I will complain about the similarity in sentence structure. Such a high percentage of your sentences start with a noun or pronoun, accompanied by -the- and -a-. I know you don't want to sound Yoda-like, but there has to be a way for you to vary your sentence structure, maintain the integrity of your story and avoid Yoda syndrome.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
8/24/2008 18:09:05   
Ciaran
Member

If, for some reason, I go into professional writing, you'll be my editor, Euky.
Revisions posted.
Hopefully I'll get chapter 4 up today or tomorrow.
AQ DF  Post #: 9
8/27/2008 13:14:08   
Ciaran
Member

Chapter 4 up.
I need more readers D:
AQ DF  Post #: 10
8/29/2008 7:42:32   
Crimzon5
Member

*enters thread*

quote:

After twenty seconds of sawing through the rope binding her right arm, it fell to the floor. Now why didn't I think of that? she thought.

Because you're an idiot?


XD lol

Whew! Finsihed the whole thing. The last post was chapter 4? I thought chapter 2 was so long that it took 3 posts...

I shall return

*leaves thread*

*enters again*

Corrections:

quote:

It even had her signature, written in an eye-catchng blue.

You lack an 'i'

quote:

Why would it need to be sent to me?at the note.


There seems to be a spacing problem

*leaves thread*


_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 11
8/30/2008 15:41:09   
Ciaran
Member

oops.
I write my stuff in HTML first, then convert it to BBCode for the forums. The "at the note." had been commented off. Apparently HTML comments don't carry over as comments.
Fixed.
AQ DF  Post #: 12
9/1/2008 16:14:47   
Ciaran
Member

First part of chapter five posted.
I've been editing stuff already written this whole time, and I have another couple chapters, but several scenes per chapter. I think I might change the structure so it's just one scene per chapter.
AQ DF  Post #: 13
9/29/2008 19:06:32   
Ciaran
Member

Posted a short story. Krystal's Embrace
I'm aware that the descriptions are lacking terribly. The words wouldn't flow this time like they usually do.

< Message edited by Ciaran -- 9/30/2008 12:00:09 >
AQ DF  Post #: 14
9/30/2008 12:15:34   
leon lionheart
Member

Hi ho good to see the story, pretty darn good and kept me eyes occupied that's for sure. Fact is that it's a short story so I guess no real chance of seeing it a little fleshed out more? If so that would be kind of cool, like many of the scenes were kind of like jump cuts you know like at the start one minutes I was reading about her walking up to the fortress and how young and formiddable she were then the next minute she was killing demons and stuff...perhaps a new paragraph. That's not to say I didn't like it though in fact I found the style rather refreshing and much more entertaining when it was done that way.

I don't know if that was intended or not though :P But all in all it was jolly good to read the captors were funny too plus talked how people normally would talk in that osition :P Nice work and can't wait to read the next one you have installed for us!
AQ DF  Post #: 15
9/30/2008 21:39:27   
Ciaran
Member

Heh. I consider that a terrible work of mine, actually. My writing usually has vivid descriptions that Eukara pokes me into making even more vivid, but this... it came out as if it were forced. I couldn't get the descriptions out like I usually do. I agree with you, itwould be a lot better if that happened.
I will try to improve on this, short story or no. I wouldn't be an artist if I didn't, now would I? :P
AQ DF  Post #: 16
10/3/2008 17:36:48   
Ciaran
Member

I have written another short story. Julina's Wish This one is actually quite short.
Writing short stories is a lot easier than writing a.. not short story. I might switch. Thoughts?

< Message edited by Ciaran -- 10/3/2008 19:10:39 >
AQ DF  Post #: 17
10/3/2008 21:47:13   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


I liked Julina's Wish. So short, yet so much is in it. Small package, big punch. I would be interested to know more about this Julina.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 18
10/3/2008 21:50:56   
Ciaran
Member

mehehe. Let the torment begin.
I have already done some writing about her husband. :P Julina just hasn't come up in that particular story yet... mostly because I have a permanent case of writer's block regarding it.
AQ DF  Post #: 19
10/4/2008 23:20:33   
Ciaran
Member

Another short story up. Julina's Enslavement
AQ DF  Post #: 20
10/5/2008 14:45:22   
Sentharn
Member

*takes Ciaran's writers block and destroys it*

I hearby second Eukky's opinion of Julina's wish. The story is short, yet says so much. It also has quite a few openings for prequels/sequels...(hint hint nudge nudge)
I would like to see more about this mysterious savior of Julina's.

There was only one section that really threw me off, in Julina's Wish:

quote:

He had freed her from her enslavement. For a few months, they were lovers. But it didn't last. He lost his sanity one day and murdered thousands in the coming month. Feeling unsafe and betrayed, she had left him when he came back to his senses.


The jump back in time is slightly disjointed. When I first read it, I though that he'd freed her from enslavement just after she met him for second time. Reading further reinforced the idea that it had happened far in the past, but it still was slightly confusing. Also, you jump from past to future tense in, "He lost his sanity one day and murdered thousands in the coming month".

Other than that, I like it!
Post #: 21
10/5/2008 14:49:38   
Ciaran
Member

'kay, changed that paragraph. Hopefully it's more understandable now.
AQ DF  Post #: 22
10/5/2008 14:56:47   
Sentharn
Member

That added phrase makes it much less confusing, very nice.

I want to destroy your writer's block so you can write more.
Post #: 23
10/7/2008 16:31:13   
Ciaran
Member

If you can find a way to smash writer's block every time, I'll pay for it.
I think the rest of the world's authors will, too.
AQ DF  Post #: 24
10/9/2008 0:08:24   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


I liked this continuation/expansion of Julina's story.

Though I felt that the end became a little to rushed. I really believe that you could expand that more. Add more emotion, more for your senses to experience.

But it did work. And it does make you wnat to know more. Overall very good.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 25
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