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RE: Ciaran's works - comments and criticism

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10/9/2008 13:00:50   
Ciaran
Member

It is a bit rushed, yes. I'll try to come up with a better ending. Better ending found!
I've got another short story ready and a second in the works, but I don't have the ability to type it in right now. (At the college.)
Woo, page two!

< Message edited by Ciaran -- 10/11/2008 15:02:32 >
AQ DF  Post #: 26
10/12/2008 20:14:42   
Ciaran
Member

Made some changes to Krystal's Embrace. Hopefully it's slightly more detailed now.
AQ DF  Post #: 27
10/17/2008 21:01:08   
Ciaran
Member

Someone other than me post D:
Julina's Emancipation
AQ DF  Post #: 28
10/17/2008 22:37:49   
Sentharn
Member

Read "Juliana's Emancipation"
Oooh! Oooh! People getting threatened!

Only one sentence I thought was odd, and that is: "Sandals on her feet, and out she went, heading for the building's lobby."
In my oh-so-humble opinion, I think it might sound better as something like, "She put her sandals on her feet, and..." or "out she went, with sandals on her feet..."

Well, okay, two: "'One who keeps slaves,' he was saying to a white-faced slavemaster,"
Shouldn't it be *the* white-faced slavemaster?

But that's just me.

Overall, it's very short, but rather touching. The ending was sweet, too, because it leaves open the possibility of future (or rather, already written) stories. Also, I like how Juliana's thoughts are mirrored in the writings. No, "she thought this, she thought that" here. It's almost as if she were speaking the story as it is being told, which I think is a nice touch.
Post #: 29
10/17/2008 22:58:44   
Ciaran
Member

The second ("a" white-faced slavemaster) was on purpose. I can't find the right words to explain my reasoning, but I assure you I had a reason. :|
as for the sandals... I was trying to do some of that sentence structure variance that I suck at. Looks like I bombed.
Thanks for the feedback on the thought relation. I might do that from now on.
AQ DF  Post #: 30
10/18/2008 1:11:24   
jerenda
Member

Julina's Emancipation: Kind of creepy, a little disturbing, but good. And the man has an awesome name. It's just amazing.

Like Sen said, I like the thought stuff. It flowed nicely and, while it didn't leave me dying for more, it wasn't really supposed to do that. A subtler piece, with emotion and intent. I like it. Subject matter was a little unconfortable, for me at least, but at least you didn't flat-out say it, so that's okay. It did make me curious as to how this connects to the rest of them. Good work, overall. *huggles*

Julina's Enslavement: I told you I was curious.

quote:

"The boos changed his mind,"


quote:

Edward turned to lok at his family, then looked back at the loan collecting goon.


Ouch.

The plotline's good, but the writing itself could use help. It could flow better, and I think if you added more emotion it would have more impact. There are places at the beginning and just into the middle where the description is really flat, and the start of the taking-away bit is just not dramatic enough. Throw some tone words in, try and heighten the sense of terror and uncertainity. Can't tell you what specifically to do, but I know you are writer enough to figure it out. Again, good story, just needs a bit of help.

< Message edited by jerenda -- 10/18/2008 1:26:22 >

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EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 31
1/4/2009 2:45:56   
Ciaran
Member

Posted a satirical speech. Praise for stupidity
It's meant to comment on the so-called "violent media."

< Message edited by Ciaran -- 1/9/2009 1:37:24 >
AQ DF  Post #: 32
1/9/2009 4:18:54   
Sentharn
Member

Hahaha, you have no idea how hard I was suppressing my giggle-fit as I was reading that.

I liked it very much, including the way that you had some sections where the narration followed the thought patterns of the character without actually being thoughts ("Must be some kind of enchantment", for one). It makes a story seem more deep, somehow.

The subject matter was great, and I've sometimes thought along similar lines about violent media vs. completely clean media. You pulled it off very nicely.

But I am afraid I have some objections to this story. In the first sentence of the thirteenth paragraph, you make a reference to one "Barney the Polar Bear". By making use of this reference, you are implying that polar bears are purple and green and sing irritating songs that never, ever leave your head. What are you thinking?! Is this what you want to pass on to the next generation of naive and innocent children, many of which have never *seen* a polar bear and would have no way of knowing that they are not purple and green but are actually yellow and blue?

Post #: 33
1/9/2009 4:38:43   
Ciaran
Member

LIAR! How dare you insinuate that I'm deceiving innocent little children that don't know any better!
...
Polar bears are black and red. That's where the devil lives, after all. The north pole.

< Message edited by Ciaran -- 1/9/2009 4:39:39 >
AQ DF  Post #: 34
1/9/2009 4:44:42   
Sentharn
Member

No matter what colors they may be, your reference to "Barney the Polar Bear" may cause children to imagine polar bears as some sort of strange and unnatural cross between proud scavengers of the Ice and ugly, bipedal dinosaurs of the West. Is that *really* the message you wish to pass on to our children? "Look, honey, see the polar bears!"

"But mom, he looks like some guy wearing a really bad suit!"

"That's OK, Tommy. They're just polar bears, after all..."
Post #: 35
11/25/2009 15:49:17   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hiyas!

Here are just some very brief comments on Krystal's Embrace. As I hadn't read the earlier version, and I felt lazy to be honest, I jumped straight at the new version. Please do poke me if you want me to do a comparison between the old and the new version. =)

All in all, very effective and impressing, imo, I was devouring the story at the point where Robert and Gerrard discussed the possibilities. =)

Now, I'd hoped a little more description on what the surroundings look like, scattered throughout the beginning. Imo, it would further enhance the transformation as the focus shifts from what happens on the outside to what Krystal goes through in the inside. So my suggestion would be to add description up to the point where Krystal starts to collapse and then fade the physical description of surroundings out. Just an idea, of course there are many ways to write a story like this and make it work.

Some details that caught me eye.

1)
quote:

One was now on the fifth floor of the fortress, working her way up to the top where the two commanders lived.

Since the word 'fortress' has been noted in the sentence nearby, I think you don't neccessarily have to repeat it here.

2)
quote:

Just as she finished the spell, a vampire grabbed her from behind and pinned her arms to her sides

If this is the same vampire that inflicted the gash, I think definite article would be in order. If it's another vampire, then I'd recommend switching the indefinite article to 'another'.

3)
quote:

<b>Drink. Must drink.</b>

A tagging mishap, purrhaps?

4)
quote:

Is... is that... Is that me?

Shouldn't this be in italics as it's a thought.

5)
quote:

"Keep going, Krystal. Don't stop living just because I'm gone.

Mesuspects an ending quote is missing.


Sorry for the shortness of comments. I most definitely must read more of your stories. =)
DF  Post #: 36
8/26/2010 16:44:56   
Ciaran
Member

Posted a new short story, finally. The Sculptor

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AQ DF  Post #: 37
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