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Angel: The Beautiful Outcast [Comments]

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6/26/2008 17:28:44   
_Depression
Member



Angel: The Beautiful Outcast is my newest story, a fantasy tale set in the modern-day USA. I began writing it to mark the new L&L, but surprisingly (to me), there seems to be more than just a small idea here. I'm not exactly sure where this will end up by its end, but I can assure everyone that I'll be there to write it.

Enjoy, and don't forget to comment! =)

Grace
--Age: 17
--Birthday: 8/5/1989
--Likes:
----other Angels
----intelligent people
----fast food (preferably McDonalds)
--Dislikes:
----Chasers
----emo kids
----slavery
--Favorites:
----Music: One Left Behind – Orsus
----Movie: Dogma
----Book: Velocity – Koontz
----Food: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese
Least Favorites:
----Music: Any techno
----Movie: Ninja movies
----Book: Harry Potter
----Food: Hot dog


Serenity
--Age: 16
--Birthday: 2/15/1991
--Likes:
----Boys
----Being told she’s beautiful/cute/hot/sexy/…….
----Flying
--Dislikes:
----Worrying
----Doing nothing
----Lucie
--Favorites:
----Music: Angel – Massive Attack
----Movie: Clerks II
----Book: Sgt. Frog (manga)
----Food: Steak
--Least Favorites:
----Music: Low – Flo Rida (or most of those idiotic hip-hop songs)
----Movie: Freedom Writers
----Book: DN Angel (manga)
----Food: Broccoli

Seraph
--Age: 15
--Birthday: 5/9/1992
--Likes:
----being with other Angels
----music
----flying
--Dislikes:
----being babied
----Jake
----Miracle not talking
--Favorites:
----Music: Forever – Chris Brown
----Movie: Hardball
----Book: Harry Potter
----Food: Ribs
--Least Favorites:
----Music: Beatles
----Movie: Disney animated movies (except Lion King)
----Book: Gossip Girl
----Food: Soup


Miracle
--Age: 15
--Birthday: 5/9/1992
--Likes:
----flying
----silence
----Lucie
--Dislikes:
----‘Plan B’
----being left out
----Lucie
--Favorites:
----Music: What Your Soul Sings – Massive Attack
----Movie: Lion King
----Book: Maximum Ride series
----Food: Mexican
--Least Favorites:
----Music: Linkin Park
----Movie: Miracle
----Book: the dictionary
----Food: veggie burger

Bright
--Age: 10
--Birthday: 12/18/1996
--Likes:
----Lucie
----Serenity
----Disney channel
--Dislikes:
----Nickelodeon
----sports
----reading
--Favorites:
----Music: First Time – Lifehouse
----Movie: High School Musical 2
----Book: Nancy Drew
----Food: Pizza
--Least Favorites:
----Music: Anything too ‘rock’
----Movie: Madagascar
----Book: Anything too big
----Food: Watermelon


< Message edited by _Depression -- 7/24/2008 1:42:20 >
AQ  Post #: 1
6/26/2008 17:47:58   
mastin2
Member

You know that I read it already and am anxiously awaiting more!

Theories I was hesitant to give,
on what happens, since the character ceases to live.
But now, the story is fully accepted
So now is the time to give my theories instead.

spoiler:

A crazy theory of mine: (When do I ever have a SANE theory?)

Grace will run, informing the other angels of their "master"'s death. Fearing for their safety--and with nowhere to call home--they leave, knowing that the home could be attacked. Grace pretends to be a Chaser, in truth actually just trying to help the other angels.



...Yup. Thousands of different variances on that theory there. That's just a sum-up. I'd be more than happy to spill out the full version of my theory, along with a dozen near-identical versions with slight differences.

-Mastin has rambled.
Post #: 2
6/27/2008 1:29:22   
_Depression
Member

Ugh. I failed epically at writing Chapter 4.

I have uploaded the scratched version to my SheezyArt account, so if you want to read that, here it is: http://www.sheezyart.com/view/1816700/ Just realize that there are a good many mistakes, and that it was written sloppily.

=/
AQ  Post #: 3
6/27/2008 3:57:36   
mastin2
Member

So I shouldn't bother with a critique, then, should I?

Ah, well...a terrible chapter's still a chapter! :)
Post #: 4
6/28/2008 20:13:35   
Dantmotckc
Member

don't kill me: It started out a lot like Maximum Ride.

...but then it got different. very different. O_o
AQ DF  Post #: 5
6/28/2008 22:50:44   
_Depression
Member

xD Don't worry Dan, you'd more have to worry about the Hunter and Mary than you would me.

And yeah, I guess it was a bit like Max Ride... hopefully not "A Final Warning"... lol

I'm going to try getting Chapter 4 done tonight...
AQ  Post #: 6
6/28/2008 23:27:24   
~Shade~
Member

Hey _Dep. It's me, that guy that thought your poetry was more uplifting than your name.

Anyways, I didn't find any errors, most likely because I wasn't using my fine-toothed comb today.

I liked it. I would like to see more. Good luck.

~Shade~
Post #: 7
6/29/2008 1:30:41   
_Depression
Member

Thanks, mate.

New chapter up. ^__^

Comments loved.
AQ  Post #: 8
6/29/2008 1:38:40   
~Shade~
Member

I loved it, yet again.

You are quite good, no errors, and I love the storyline.

Excellent.

Keep up the great work. I want to see what happens next! ARGH!

*casts Fanboy +1 on _Dep*

~Shade~
Post #: 9
6/29/2008 4:13:00   
_Depression
Member

*feels powered up* Yay! Chapter 5 in the making, more plot twists to come!

Edit: Okay, can't forget to thank mastin2 for the help in creating the lovable Jack A. Masters!!

< Message edited by _Depression -- 6/29/2008 4:14:02 >
AQ  Post #: 10
6/29/2008 17:36:46   
mastin2
Member

Yay! New chapter out!

By the way, another crazy, unwelcomed, illogical theory from me...

spoiler:

As soon as I heard more than a sentence about 'the Hunter', I immediately looked to Bright and thought "Hmmmmmmm..." So, my theory is that 'The Hunter' is Bright's father.


Now, I shall read the new chapter four and see just how much better it is! :)



quote:

free, we don't need to do anything
I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

What do you mean, nowhere to go?
It'd sound a little better--in my opinion--if it was like this...

"What do you mean, 'nowhere to go'?"

quote:

For a long while there was silence in
I'd put a comma after 'while'.

quote:

over two years, I can't remember
I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

turned seventeen, I can probably get my
I'd make the comma a semicolon.



Yay! Much better than the old one! Though, honestly, I think that some of the old one should be featured in the next chapter. (For those who haven't read, I'm putting it in spoilers)
spoiler:

They probably would not leave Lucie's dead body anyway. 'A slight detour', perhaps?


Just my opinion.

-M

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/29/2008 17:50:49 >
Post #: 11
7/3/2008 2:50:33   
_Depression
Member

*dies*

I'm guessing I didn't get the point across about the Hunter with "tall, dark, and handsome?" Think of him as looking somewhat like Tyrese Gibson (Transformers, Sergeant Epps; 2 Fast 2 Furious, Roman Pearce) or that Jimmy Jean-Louis (Heroes, The Haitian). =)

Edit: Just checked, in Chapter 3 I did refer to him as "the dark-skinned Hunter".

< Message edited by _Depression -- 7/3/2008 2:51:55 >
AQ  Post #: 12
7/3/2008 3:07:35   
mastin2
Member

(*Casts Status Effect_"Depression" to bring _Dep back*)

Like I said, crazy, impossible theory...

I do await the next chapter--I really would enjoy to see some elements of the former chapter four in there as well!
Post #: 13
7/7/2008 20:55:18   
jerenda
Member

Hello again! I've decided to read another chapter either before or after I post for my RP's... but it will get done tonight! *checks watch* Gah. Crunch time.

quote:

I cut her off and sighed.
Normally people get cut off by words, or a glare, or possibly a gesture. Your average person will continue to babble over a sigh. You might want to include the glare/gesture/whatever here. ^_^

Creepy. I officially don't like Lucie. *shivers*

*reads Chapter 2* Lucie has a demented sense of humor. I get the feeling she actually cares for her Angels... in a slightly more demented fashion than most people care for their pets. It's creepy but entrancing at the same time.

Chapter 3... yes, I'm hooked. ^_^

Where does she get her money from? I assumed that Chasers get money for turning in Angels, but she clearly doesn't do that, and according to her no one else does either.

And that explains why she went back to the alley. Thank you.

quote:

I was terrified of the Hunter, and he knew that, but I was along stronger than he was.
Along? Methinks I spy a typo!

quote:

The Hunter stepped out from behind his hiding spot and grinned down at me, unsheathing a steak knife.


From behind me, someone grabbed my wings and pulled me upright,
What's with the extra space?

So she does care about them, in a creepy demented way... and why would he start with the left shoulder? To show off his workmanship or something?

Chapter 4

quote:

Tears sprung to her eyes as the vivid image of Lucie, screaming in pain...
You never mention her screaming before... I'd add that to Chapter 3, if I were you.

quote:

"Really?" the boy asked, his body calming significantly.
...Really weird phrasing there. I'd readjust that, at least a little. And why are they talking to this random teenage boy? What's up with that?

Much better wing measurements, by the way. *goes to look for Lucie's wingspan* 18, excellent. ^_^

Neat. So, instead of the Chaser having Angels, the Angels will have a Chaser. I'm guessing that this relationship will be slightly different than Lucie's relationship to them... he probably won't be the "cruel evil overlord" that Lucie was... hmm. This is very interesting, I want to see how it plays out.

< Message edited by jerenda -- 7/13/2008 17:11:55 >

_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 14
7/13/2008 17:12:50   
jerenda
Member

I figured I'd better bump this a little. Hey _Dep, I added C&C to my last post for all the chapters you've got out right now. Write more, quick! ^_^
AQ DF  Post #: 15
7/13/2008 22:49:40   
_Depression
Member

...You don't know how perfect your timing is, jerenda. xD

And, about why he cut the slit into the left side of her shirt...
quote:

The Hunter grinned as he used the steak knife to cut a slit into my tee shirt, revealing the scar he had given me on my left shoulder.


And for the "screaming in pain," I meant it that Grace heard Mary scream in pain, and in thinking back she thought it was Lucie screaming. I couldn't think of how to explain it, so I just left it as-is...


...And as for the relationship between Jake and the Angels, along with how he just "dropped in," Chapter 5 (being uploaded now) explains that... pretty much. Needless to say, Jake's going to have to learn that humans are no longer the top of the food chain. Angels are.

=)
AQ  Post #: 16
7/14/2008 16:02:43   
jerenda
Member

Does that mean I have more to read? *checks* I do! Yay!

So it was to show off his worksmanship.

That makes sense... ^_^

OK, now to read Chapter 5. Because I have to say, Jake's appearance is just too convenient.
AQ DF  Post #: 17
7/15/2008 23:21:02   
_Depression
Member

... =D

Oh, and just to pre-empt any "you stole that from Wanted" concerning the line where Serenity says, "You apologize too much." ... That's completely taken from my own personal experience. I've been told that line many times over the course of my years.

=P
AQ  Post #: 18
7/16/2008 0:19:23   
mastin2
Member

Don't worry. "You apologize too much" has been used many, many, many times before. (Often comically followed by "Sorr--err, I mean, yes." Or something like that.) I can name a dozen cases. (Especially with the "Sorry" interrupted.)
Post #: 19
7/23/2008 23:29:06   
Dantmotckc
Member

I'd like to point out that "You apologize too much." was also used in Tales of Symphonia.

also...no password as a password...genius! hehe.
AQ DF  Post #: 20
7/24/2008 0:13:20   
_Depression
Member

xD I took the 'no password' idea from my mom, actually. Her laptop's admin account has no password, so the first time I tried to log in as her I spent a fruitless half-hour trying out different passwords. The ordeal stuck with me, lol.

Edit:

I've added small 'character profiles' to the first post. I'll get more characters up there with time... Basic information, frivolous stuff mostly... just figured I should. Oh, and there's no mistake on Miracle's Likes and Dislikes, I just copied what she put. *shrug*

< Message edited by _Depression -- 7/24/2008 1:44:32 >
AQ  Post #: 21
7/24/2008 19:32:34   
mastin2
Member

Yea, read 'em last night. (By any chance, are you making excuses for NOT releasing a new chapter? Author's Fantasy--Two new outtakes, no new chapters. Angel: Outcast--profiles for the angels. No new chapters. Coincidence, or sinister plot? :o)

And, yea, people can like and dislike something at exactly the same time and/or like something during one time, hate it the next. Happens to all type of people.
Post #: 22
7/25/2008 21:19:32   
jerenda
Member

Ohh! Lucie has plans!! Forget backgrounds, I'm interested in the purpose section of those files! Lucie and Grace are related? Why am I not surprised? Well, I am, but somehow... it seems to fit. Makes sense.

Cute profiles, BTW, but hard to follow. *rubs eyes* Post more, quick! *pokes* (Yup, no edits for you. I read it forever ago and am only now getting around to comment, and have no time so you don't get a reread. =P I may get time later, after I get back. *points to siggy*

_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 23
7/28/2008 14:40:52   
_Depression
Member

The 'Purpose' section of the folders will be opened in due time. And yeah, in retrospect the relation between Lucie and Grace could be expected...

Anyway, I'm going to try to get Chapter 6 done while I'm flying over the Atlantic... and maybe Chapter 7, too. In either case, I have no update for today, and will have no way to update until I return home in mid-August.

Tally ho!
AQ  Post #: 24
8/16/2008 12:51:00   
mjbidner
Member


Very interesting. I don't write, but I do a lot of reading, and I think that this is a very interesting story with a great story-line.


-keep writing!
Post #: 25
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