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Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~Another Time and Place

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6/26/2008 21:26:31   
garnetdragoness
Member

Welcome to my 3rd comments thread! (well...technically it's my 3rd....) Click links below to read my poetic magic! Feel free to make all comments and critiques here! All are welcome, all are welcome.....

Poetic Alchemy
Section 1-Poetic tales and parodies of Battleon
Contents: A Battleon Christmas poem, A Tiny Tale, A Tiny Tale part 2, A Tiny Tale.....Conclusion?, Here We Go Again, Sandy Klaws is Coming to Town, Frosty the Snow Golem, In Battleon, Rudolph the Red-Horned Reigndragon, Get it Done!, Beware the Undead, Frostval Returns!, Here Comes Sandy Klaws, The Icemen Cometh, Winter Wonderland, A New Tiny Tale, Ebil is as Ebil Does, Dragon Storm, Dragon of the Void, Beastmaster Teach Me, Frostval is Coming, Ring the Bell, Artix Got Run Over by a Reigndragon, The 12 Days of Frostval, Legend, Legend Part 2
Section 2-Limericks
Contents: 5 limericks
Section 3-Potluck of Poems
Contents: The Eyes of Death, Dragon Call, When Darkness Falls, Magic, Awakening, The Vampire's Curse, Night of the Wolf, It's All Just a Dream, The End is Just the Beginning, The Ancient One, The Hydra, Magical Paradise, Fairy Dance, A Dragon's Tale, Of Prophecy and Omens, I Am, The Slayer, This Tomb, Reaper, Dragon, Siren's Song, Zombie March, Creatures of the Water, Whispers and Echoes, The Dragon Stone, Battle of the Ages, Leviathan, Treasure Hunter, The Dragon Maiden, The Unicorn and the Dragon, The Gorgon's Stare, The Vampire's Quest, Curse of the Mummy, Titan of the Sea, Legend of the Loch, Minotaur's Maze, Demon's Delight, Chase the Rainbow, Dragon's Gold, Danger of the Djinn, Shifting Sands, Stir of Shadows, Witches Brew, Sorcerer's Apprentice, Dream Weaver, Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Heavenly Virtues, Tears of my Soul, Reflections, Softly, Dreamer, Sight, Moonlight Spell, Awake!, Magic of Music, Crystal Ball, Phoenix Rising, Visit to the Void, A Knight's Revenge, Letting Go, Make Believe, What One, The Flaming Heart, Firefly, A Warrior's Tale, Sailing Ships, The Little Folk, The Riders, Love Undying, Legend and Myth, The Leaves, My Mind's Eye, Bloodhunter, Amnesia, Cabin in the Wood, Wild Horses, Day at the Beach, In the Twilight, Spirit Dance, The Lighthouse, Death Does Not Care, Safari, On Dragon's Wings, The Path, Still, The Visitor, Ride a Seahorse, Lend a Hand, Sweet Visions, The Gifts, Eulogy, Ballad of Sir Spam-a-Lot, Dragonfear, Fun with Numbers, Witch in the Window, Unicorn on My Shelf, A Walk in Purgatory, Death's Sweet Embrace

Newly added:
Life's Lessons
Legend-edited
For Love of Dragons
A Hardened Heart
A Hardened Heart-edited
Isle in the Mist
Power of the Monsoon
Pressure
Death of a Dynasty
Spirit Seeker
The Survivors
Moods of the Angels
Moods of the Angels-edited version
Stages
I Believe
I Believe-edited
The Monster -twisted, poetic adaptation of Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein"
Flight of the Dragonflies
Love to Rhyme
The Masks We Wear
A Senseless Act
Imagine
Battleon, Dragon Fable 2 new rhyme acrostics!
Looking Ahead
The Ascent
Heaven-Sent
Why?
My Angel
You're a Gift
'Tis the Season
To Die For Poems from the Heart-collab started by Crimzon5
Highway in the Sky
A Dragon's Journey
Another Time and Place
Angel Lost

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 2/11/2013 12:15:42 >
AQ  Post #: 1
6/28/2008 13:33:28   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

You have so many poems it scares me ^_^; (JK :P)

Anyway, I noticed this verse when glancing over your 'legend':


quote:

"Why me?" he asked, with amazement and awe.
What, in him, could have the Goddess foresaw?
"I am Mother Nature" she said at last,
"I am the present, the future and the past."


The bolded sentence has terrible grammar, but I don't have any suggestions to make it better BO the rhyme scheme.

It may be a matter of personal opinion, but I'd change the italicized sentence to this:

"I'm Mother Nature" she said at last,
"I am present, future and past."


Hope it helped, loving your poetry :)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 2
6/28/2008 16:59:21   
garnetdragoness
Member

New!! Life's Lessons

Thank you Arthur! I so appreciate your comment. I will take a look at that and see what I can do to fix it. Will post edited version when complete. Don't be scared of the number of them, rejoice in all that reading material.

edited version of "Legend"

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 6/28/2008 17:44:16 >
AQ  Post #: 3
6/30/2008 20:00:51   
garnetdragoness
Member

New!! For Love of Dragons
AQ  Post #: 4
6/30/2008 20:15:54   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 Nice new poem, Garnet. Nothing much to pick at. Though I'm a fan of depressed and emo poetry, it's a nice change for some positive fantasy once in a while too. Keep up the good work! ^_^
AQ  Post #: 5
7/1/2008 7:02:06   
garnetdragoness
Member

haha, thanks Firefly! if ya want more depressed and emo then check out the following: Death Does Not Care, Still, Lend a Hand, Eulogy, Death's Sweet Embrace. you will find them towards the bottom of Section 3-Potluck of poems. everything in contents is posted in the same order as listed if that helps. thanks again for the comment! I appreciate it very much!

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 7/2/2008 20:54:11 >
AQ  Post #: 6
7/3/2008 20:43:57   
garnetdragoness
Member

New!! A Hardened Heart
AQ  Post #: 7
7/3/2008 20:59:58   
Firefly
Lore-ian
quote:

Seeking places of darkness, so to shrink and hide.

I think it flows and balances better as: "Seeking places of darkness, so to shrink and to hide."

quote:

My heart has been hardened by those I've seen.

Two parts don't balance out. Hmm: "My heart has been hardened by those that I have seen."

quote:

They beat you down,
to make you frown.

Dunno if it's fine or if it's better as "one" since you transition from "me" to "you" far too quickly, imo.

quote:

Sometimes I wonder what hardened their heart.

Again, I think it flows better as: "Sometimes I wonder what has hardened their heart." Extra syllable seems to balance it.

quote:

Melting the hearts of ones cold as steeel.

Extra "e" lol.

quote:

The truth finally exposed, that life is not fair.

Third words: So. Damn. Right.

Once again, you've impressed me with your great approach to subjects and powerful statements that are a good balance of abstract and concrete. Sift through the suggestions and take only what you want. Keep it up, Garnet! ^_^
AQ  Post #: 8
7/3/2008 21:20:25   
garnetdragoness
Member

thank you so much Firefly! will fix that up in the morning. sorry about that little typo too, thought I caught everything. I had a feeling you would like that one once I get it all fixed I will post the edited version.

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 7/4/2008 7:48:47 >
AQ  Post #: 9
7/4/2008 7:30:16   
garnetdragoness
Member

ok here is the edited version A Hardened Heart-edited hope that looks better. I did make one small edit on the original but it was only the typo.
AQ  Post #: 10
7/6/2008 8:14:29   
garnetdragoness
Member

New!! Isle in the Mist
AQ  Post #: 11
7/8/2008 6:40:43   
garnetdragoness
Member

New!! Power of the Monsoon
AQ  Post #: 12
7/10/2008 6:43:43   
garnetdragoness
Member

New!! Pressure
AQ  Post #: 13
7/10/2008 23:48:46   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 I've decided to read the "emo" poems you recommended. I found a typo in Lend a Hand:

quote:

Can others forget their personal grred?


Also, I read Sweet Visions. One thing wrong:

quote:

for the Lord of the Rings.

Now, the "Lord of the Rings" is actually the big bad dark lord. I dunno if Frodo was actually looking for him... He was technically just looking for the Mountains of Doom of toss the ring in... Had he met the "Lord of the Rings..." Well, he'd be dead, lol.

I also decided to read The Vampire's Curse because I'm pro-vamp. Didn't read to critique, but the last line:

quote:

with a hunger he can never sate.

I might be wrong, but just checking to make sure you didn't mean to write "sedate" here, did you?

Oh, and I noticed you forgot to centre the poem "Dragon"

I also read The Vampire's Quest... *sniff sniff* It was sad... And beautiful...

All very lovely poems, Garnet. Sorry for the lack of true critiquing. My computer is being really stupid... *sorryhugs*
AQ  Post #: 14
7/11/2008 6:41:04   
garnetdragoness
Member

arrrrrrrrrgggggggg. stupid typos. lol. the bane of my existence...sigh. will go fix that and Sweet Visions as that was kind of a typo thing as well-was thinking one thing and typed another-hate it when i do that. The word "sate" is used correctly in The Vampire's Curse. sate: to appease (as a thirst) by indulging to the full. I believe that is fitting enough, don't you? do not feel bad if you have not been able to critique for a while. i know you have tons of things to critique. I just wonder what happened the small handful of readers who used to comment regularly. only you and arthur have commented since we went through the purge and re-approval process. just find it kinda strange.....anyway, thanks for pointing those stupid typos out. going to go fix those now. oh, and the one called "Dragon" was not centered on purpose. If you read the 1st letter of each line straight down you will see why.

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 7/11/2008 6:56:12 >
AQ  Post #: 15
7/11/2008 11:46:34   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 It's more so the fact my computer might blow up any minute rather than busyness (though that's also a factor).

Well, Eukara is outta town atm... As for others... Well, Dragonboy's gone, and people might be busy.

Yeah, I had a feeling "sate" was really a word, but I didn't dare open another window to Word or Dictionary.com to check because I might've froze the computer...
AQ  Post #: 16
7/11/2008 12:29:06   
r0de0b0y
Member

Woot! You're back! Now all I need is Anon Y Mous. Funny, but now that I've read a few of these(specially Life's Lesson), I don't feel so depressed anymore. Thank you Jesus...or karma...or whatever.
AQ DF  Post #: 17
7/11/2008 19:54:59   
garnetdragoness
Member

@Firefly: I know you have been having probs with your computer. I've seen you mention it before. I did not know Eukara was out of town. I know Dragonboy is gone but just from here. so, didja find the not so hidden word in "Dragon"?

@r0de0b0y: Hi! good to see you here! So glad I could help in breaking your depression!

Hey! now I've had 3 people besides me comment here! Woot! It's a party! wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! (sorry, couldn't resist)

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 7/11/2008 19:55:37 >
AQ  Post #: 18
7/11/2008 20:04:42   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 *brings cake* Party!!!

I, er, didn't read Dragon. I only noticed that it wasn't centred. However, I looked at it now, and I understand. Wonderful rhyme acrostic!
AQ  Post #: 19
7/11/2008 20:22:48   
garnetdragoness
Member

thank you , dear lady. I aim to please. I thought that was pretty clever of me too..hee hee *ooh, she brought cake....
AQ  Post #: 20
7/13/2008 7:59:50   
garnetdragoness
Member

New!! Death of a Dynasty
AQ  Post #: 21
7/16/2008 6:54:43   
garnetdragoness
Member

New!! Spirit Seeker
AQ  Post #: 22
7/19/2008 0:05:52   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Garnet!!!!

*pokes Garnet back and then snugs*

You're right. I do like Spirit Seeker. I loved the rhythm and the rhyme. But I loved more the description and last line.

Wonderful!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 23
7/19/2008 7:17:57   
garnetdragoness
Member

hahaha I poked you to read "Pressure" but that's ok. Thank you! I had fun writing "Spirit Seeker". New one coming soon!
AQ  Post #: 24
7/19/2008 9:47:50   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 Doh! I am a moron...

..who can't read.

Though, funnily I did read Pressure too, though why I didn't mention that last night, I have no idea. *note to self - do not follow directions after 11 pm* And totally agree with the entire thing. That is definitely one I will use in my class.

Speaking of, I have no idea what age I will be teaching. If it is 3-6 grade, I will teach stuff like limerick, AABB, ABAB, haiku, etc. Or, if I am teaching 7-12 grade, I will teach those plus epic, sonnet and such types of poetry.

But I don't find out until 3 weeks before class begins...

Anyway, your poetry is either so much fun to read or so applicable. I love it, as always.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 25
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