RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~Spirit Seeker


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7/19/2008 9:55:22

garnetdragoness
Member

Eukara! first of all, you are NOT a moron. second of all, if you can't read then you wouldn't be able to write all the awesome stuff you do, so ....there.

I knew you would find "Pressure" enlightening, that was why I suggested it to you. so which grade group would you be happier with? when do your classes start?

*on a sidenote-new poem will be up this afternoon. too tired now, just spent all morning doing edit suggestions for r0de0b0y's "Symphony of the Night"

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 11/17/2009 10:01:07 >

AQ	Post #: 26

7/19/2008 17:51:20

garnetdragoness
Member

New!! The Survivors

AQ	Post #: 27

7/21/2008 7:16:59

Firefly
Lore-ian

quote:

Speaking of, I have no idea what age I will be teaching. If it is 3-6 grade, I will teach stuff like limerick, AABB, ABAB, haiku, etc. Or, if I am teaching 7-12 grade, I will teach those plus epic, sonnet and such types of poetry.

I actually was taught how to write epic poems back in grade 6... However, I cannot write a sonnet to this very day... My dislike of Shakespeare is biting back at me...

To not look like a spammer, I've decided to read "The Survivors" (Semi-rhyme!) =P

quote:

Only a select few were lucky to ~~still~~ be alive.

I think the parts of the line flow/balance together better without the "still"

quote:

We found ways to connect without ~~ever~~ leaving a trace.

Same as above. Parts balance better without it.

I loved it. I wonder if RB's Symphony and my HotD were any inspiration... =P

AQ	Post #: 28

7/21/2008 19:52:18

garnetdragoness
Member

edited those 2 words out. thank you, as always, Firefly. did not repost the poem since I only removed 2 words. if I had to change stuff around then I would have reposted it so others can see the differences like I did with "A Hardened Heart" and "Legend". also your "HotD" and RB's "Symphony" are both awesome stories I have thoroughly enjoyed reading, but, my dark and demented inspirations come from a much deeper place.....even I am scared to go there-mwahahahahaha

so glad you liked!

AQ	Post #: 29

7/23/2008 7:41:14

garnetdragoness
Member

New!! Moods of the Angels

AQ	Post #: 30

7/25/2008 16:59:52

Firefly
Lore-ian

quote:

to cause angels to cry?

The double "to" might not work the best here. "to make the angels cry" or something.

quote:

The more tragic the scene,
the tears will fall faster.

These two lines don't relate to each other well enough. The statement seems a bit awkwark. How about changing the first line to: "If the scene's more tragic" or something. Relates it together better.

quote:

They will softly sigh,

I'd switch the order of those two words. Just reads more fluidly, imo.

quote:

with each human's death.

I think "every" flows better and adds greater impact here.

quote:

turning them a ~~very~~ dark gray.

I think it /helps/ the meter if you take out that word. Flows better and it's really unnecessary here. In a small poem, better to take out words that don't hold their ground well. Feel free to disagree, lol.

quote:

turning them a very dark gray.
It makes them thicken and grow,

"It" forces the audience to refer back to the sorrow, which halts the reading. I suggest you change the period after "gray" to a comma and making the second line: "making them thicken and grow" No reading halts now.

quote:

their joy will ~~softly~~ float a feather.

I repeat what I said about the word "very" in the above.
However, I suggest you change this line entirely. Seems a bit forced right now. "their joy as light as a feather" or something. A more relatable metaphor.

quote:

In a relaxed sort of mood,

"sort" is a better informal and ruins the beauty of the poem. Perhaps "type" or a rephrasing as long as the line ends in "mood"?

Very nice, Garnet. It's a long poem, hence the long edit. It's really beautiful how you go from sad to happy and back to sad again. A few lovely metaphors there. Rhymes were very clever. I loved it.

AQ	Post #: 31

7/25/2008 18:24:05

garnetdragoness
Member

wow....thanks Firefly! all fixed!

Moods of the Angels-edited version

AQ	Post #: 32

7/26/2008 7:14:13

garnetdragoness
Member

New!! Stages

AQ	Post #: 33

7/29/2008 6:50:37

garnetdragoness
Member

New!! I Believe

AQ	Post #: 34

7/29/2008 10:53:39

Firefly
Lore-ian

Stages:

quote:

ever trying to win.

I dunno, it seems to flow better and make more sense if you put "forever." Either that, or take the word out.

quote:

Learning when to use our words and when not to mince.

I know what you mean here, but the rhyme still sounds a bit forced. It might be just me, or it might be something you wanna look into.

I love this one!!!!!! Great imagery, and I love the concept of the stages of life! Anything to do with that gets my seal of love. =P

I Believe:

quote:

I believe a sad person hides,

Too long, not the best for flow. "I believe the sad hide," perhaps?

quote:

in fairy tales of old.

I think "from" works better here to avoid the repetition of "in" from the previous line and also fits better in this context.

quote:

I believe hidden in a jungle,

Need a comma after "believe" "hidden in a jungle" is a parenthical aside. While poetry doesn't have to be very strict, in this case, I also lost my place reading and had to reread to get the meaning without that comma...

quote:

and doing what is right.

I think "what's" flows better, but depends whether you want to value language or flow more. I choose the second, but that's just me...

quote:

I believe we should enjoy life,
and find ways to have fun,
I believe it is time,
for this poem to be done.

May I be really, really, really bold and suggest a different ending? I usually love your endings, and this one is unique too, but the whole poem was so... beautiful and serious and /that/ kind of feeling, so... I wonder if you can keep it that wait right until the end?

I believe we should enjoy life,
and find ways to have fun,
I believe in enjoyment,
for we only live once.

Now, fun and once don't really rhyme, so you might not like that... Here's a more rhyming suggestion, less impacful, but it rhymes better...

I believe we should enjoy life,
and find ways to have fun,
I believe in no regrets,
by the time life is done.

Eh, not very good either. Feel free to ignore me...

Now, to get that over with, that was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was even better than the previous poem. This... spoke to me so deeply on a personal level... I... don't know how to praise it. That's why I suggested an ending change, I guess. Because of the type of poet I am (serious), I thought I serious ending fit more. This poem could be either serious or not, but I looked at it from a serious POV.

To stop my ramble, all you need to know is that I love your poetry to death. =P

AQ	Post #: 35

7/29/2008 20:27:49

garnetdragoness
Member

wow....

my goodness!! thank you so much. I went ahead and changed "ever" to "forever" in "Stages" but I left the other line only because it was the best way I could present that. to "mince words" is just a fancy term for arguing so I though it fit ok. I am so glad you liked "Stages". I thought you would. ok, I changed "I Believe" in the all places you suggested but not exactly all of them got changed to the exact wordage you presented me with, BUT I think you will find the changes much more to your liking...especially the ending.
I Believe-edited

oh yeah, on a sidenote....for fans of Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" I will be posting a poetic adaptation of the tale in the next couple of days. just want to get it perfected first, but be on the watch for it!

< Message edited by garnetdragoness -- 7/29/2008 20:31:38 >

AQ	Post #: 36

7/29/2008 21:10:24

Firefly
Lore-ian

I know what "mince" means, I was just being really subjective there. One of the times I dislike rhymes (eg. I really don't like the strife/life rhyme, can't explain why, but that is perhaps the only thing I dislike about .Silence's poetry, lol). It's probably just me being ridiculous.

I love the changes. In poetry, listen to my explanations more than my suggestions. =P I've got a picky/critical mind, but I'm not the best poet around, so my suggestions are probably worse than what you can come up with. They're just there in case you agree but can't think of what else to write.

Be careful about promising poems. I've promised an epic and a satire on totalitarianism for perhaps a month now without completing either... Promising poems hath becometh a curse! :D

AQ	Post #: 37

7/29/2008 21:57:47

garnetdragoness
Member

so glad you liked the changes! don't worry about the promised poem. it is already done. just want to make sure it is sufficient

thanks again, you are the best!

AQ	Post #: 38

8/1/2008 6:42:03

garnetdragoness
Member

New!! The Monster

AQ	Post #: 39

8/4/2008 21:04:27

Firefly
Lore-ian

quote:

He skulks into the cemetery in the darkest of night.

Not sure if it's fine as is or if changing "in" to "at" is better to eliminate the repetition of "in" and "into"
Hmm, "darkest of night" sounds like "the darkest time of night" which is rather vague. Would "darkest of nights" be better, as that refers to the darkest of the bunch of nights... Am I making sense?

quote:

Trying eperiments in resurrecting the dead.

"experiments"?

quote:

He will not stop until his experiments are done.

Hmm, perhaps don't use this word again? How about "trials" or something.

quote:

Lightning and thunder roared as the rain began to pour.

He raised the slab high and exposed it to the rain.

A bit repetitive. Perhaps "as the heavens began to pour" for the first one. Anything to eliminate this repetition.

quote:

The doctor was thrilled bringing medical science to a new height.

Are you missing a word? 'cause it makes little grammatical sense. Perhaps a comma after "thrilled" would help.

quote:

Others would just scream "Monster!" and run away in fright.

Technically, comma after "scream" but it's poetry, so your call.

Very powerful. Love the concept!!!!!!!!!

AQ	Post #: 40

8/5/2008 6:55:29

garnetdragoness
Member

thanks so much Firefly! all fixed. stupid typos and commas get me every time-lol. i fixed the repetitive stuff too. i did not re-post it since the changes were all quite subtle. hope it is to your liking.

AQ	Post #: 41

8/7/2008 20:26:45

garnetdragoness
Member

New!! a poem for Eukara! Flight of the Dragonflies

AQ	Post #: 42

8/7/2008 20:37:33

Firefly
Lore-ian

I read. I loved. I refuse to critique this. It would not be... proper. =P

My favourite lines were:

quote:

Think of any color that you may have seen.
I'm sure it's one their bodies have been.

Very creative!

And the last lines, of course. ^_^

AQ	Post #: 43

8/8/2008 5:43:12

garnetdragoness
Member

Thanks Firefly!

I just hope Eukara sees it.

AQ	Post #: 44

8/14/2008 20:36:32

garnetdragoness
Member

New!! Love to Rhyme

AQ	Post #: 45

8/14/2008 22:46:46

Firefly
Lore-ian

quote:

A happy feeling song,

This is... a bit awkward. How about a regular "A song of happiness" or something? ("A song of happy feelings" is okay too, but a bit wordy.)

quote:

Poetic told tales,

You either need to make that a single modifier "poetic-told" or change it to "poetically told" for grammar

quote:

it just doesn't matter

I suggest "it really doesn't matter" Stronger, imo.

quote:

or bring tears to fall.

I think "or cause tears to fall." makes more sense.

quote:

I really do not care.

This just seemed to throw off the flow. Perhaps "I don't really care."?

I love this. ^_^ Gives us poets (especially us /rhyming/ poets. =P) all some spirit. A rhyme about rhyme... How clever, Garnet!

AQ	Post #: 46

8/15/2008 6:34:13

garnetdragoness
Member

thanks Firefly! I edited most of what you pointed out. I did not repost the poem since the changes were so subtle. the only thing I left alone was the "bring tears to fall" line as I already have the word "cause" in the sentence before that and "make" in the sentence before that so I did not want to be repetitive. I though about using "evoke" but then it seemed too much.....arrrrgggg. Since you have been the only person commenting lately I value your opinion highly. hope the changes are to your liking.

AQ	Post #: 47

8/19/2008 19:42:18

garnetdragoness
Member

New!! The Masks We Wear

AQ	Post #: 48

8/19/2008 19:47:12

Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!

Of all your poems, Garnet, The Masks We Wear has to be the one that pierces through me the most. There isn't a stanza that I cannot either agree with or apply to my own life.

quote:

Donning these masks is a burden beyond compare.
Keeping up with the roles can be hard to bear.
It's what we do,
to motto through,
and keep adding to our list of the masks we wear.

But this one is especially applicable. I cannot say enough about this poem.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 49

8/19/2008 21:30:58

Firefly
Lore-ian

quote:

Our hearts cry,
as spirits die,

A suggestion. Perhaps a repetitional emphasis? "Our hearts cry,/Our spirits die," It's currently a bit vague. I mean, whose spirits are dying?

quote:

and to be free of it's control we just can't wait.

its

quote:

to motto through,

I'm not sure how this word makes sense here. I mean, how do you set mottos through masks or whatever you mean? I'm confused... It could be just me...

I feel so cruel-hearted for critiquing this due to how good it was... It's really awesome and very realistic.

AQ	Post #: 50

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