Firefly
Lore-ian
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I'm finally finished reading all you've posted of Where's My Rose? I'm really intrigued about where this is going and I hope you write more soon, asap after you finish with Avoiding, perhaps. You give away just enough info to keep us interested, without giving away too much. I have confidence that you'll tell us more about Laila's past soon.
The part I think you could've done more with is Matthew. I don't think there's enough of a solid reason why he's so interested in Laila. Other than the red hair and the clothes, which aren't the best reasons... I think you might be able to tweak the binoculars scene around a bit, have him see her doing something interesting (like photographing the swan, for example).
Overall, the problems with technical writing are mainly comma placements and wordiness. I'll cover that below, in analyzing the individual chapters.
Chapter Two:
I'll break this commentary into two parts. One is for the stylistic issues, such as unnecessary words, which are mainly what I found. The second part is typos/grammar. Anyhow, in the first part, I think you might've used too many words at times, sometimes making things confusing because I dunno how all the words and parts relate together.The following examples generally cover some aspects of this, so I'm using them as demostration to help you pick out the rest on your own sometime, lol.
quote:
Refusing to forfeit in a constant battle against the clouds, the April sun shone briskly from the azure-blue sky curving above the city.
I dunno if something can shine "briskly" I mean, the speed of light doesn't vary. Also, I think the ly adverb is weak anyways.
"blue" is probably not needed, since azure = blue.
quote:
His voice sounded so smooth as he continued, “It holds ancient wisdom offered to help those who have been wrongly treated in this world.”
Generally, I think describing the tone of voice should usually be avoided, just like -ly adverbs. Usually, readers can deduce the tone without you stating it. It's unnecessary most of time and tends to disrupt the flow of the dialogue more than anything. It's not really a big issue overall for you, but here was where it stuck out. The way it's phrased was slightly weak and I can't think of a fix, so I suggest you just take it out.
quote:
Shaking his head, thus trying to reprimand himself about his stupidity to launch onto such a fool's errand
I think "thus" is unneeded, because the formation of the sentence already relates the two ideas together.
quote:
Feeling more dead than alive among so many grim murder-stories and wicked spirits of old his imagination painted leering down on him, he ordered his feet to pick up the pace.
It might be just me, but this sentence made me really really confused until I read it over a few times. I think the way the description is integrated together got a bit confusing as to what applies to what. I suggest you take that part out to avoid the confusion. If you wanna go the extra mile of trimming "his imagination painted" can also go, but that might create confusing on the other end of the spectrum.
Typo/grammar services:
quote:
“I'm always up for trading. Runs in me blood. What do you have to offer?”
"my"? Also, I wouldn't put this on its own. I'd join it with the previous paragraph, if only because I'm unsure if ending a paragraph with a comma is acceptable grammatically. Maybe a colon to replace the comma in the end of the last paragraph is you /really/ don't want to join them.
quote:
Surprisingly, for the first time in Gareth's twenty-one years of roaming the Earth, he was in time.
"on" is probably the better preposition here.
quote:
while they waited for young Mr Henshall finish his business in the ticket office.
I think you need a period after "Mr"
quote:
the trio stepped to wait for their twenty-to-four-pm “flight”.
"stopped"?
quote:
Matthew turned to gaze the Thames and its steady, oblique flow.
I think you need an "at" between those two words.
quote:
and let out the affirmative with a slight Australian accent, “Sure. Go ahead, mate.”
Imo, I think the comma is better as a period because the stuff before can stand alone as a sentence. I'm not sure if this is a technical grammar requirement here.
quote:
Thanking, Matthew grabbed the binoculars and lifted them in front of his icy-grey eyes and peered through them to catch a better glimpse of that flame.
I think you need "Thanking him" or change to "Thankful" or something. I really don't think just thanking sounds right here.
quote:
claiming that his friend's morbid fear of creepy-crawlies would be counted among the most shameful phobias,
Imo, this can stand alone as a sentence and using the comma at the end of a paragraph isn't really optimum.
quote:
said G.J. grinning, as the flight neared its end.
I think the comma is misplaced. Before rather than after grinning probably makes more sense.
Chapter Three:
Roses... Ah, such lovely imagery. Anyhow, I didn't find as much typos/grammar here (or maybe I just got lazy, lol) so I didn't break this into sections. Same general comments as above: interesting plot and power that leaves me begging for more, but watch out for unnecessary/confusing words. Just some random thoughts here, mixed grammar and wordiness poking. =P
quote:
With a slight jerk, the elevator stopped at the fourth floor and slid its doors open.
I think the extra verb slid isn't necessary. What about a simple "and opened its doors"?
quote:
The windows faced a ludicrously tiny inner yard, thus giving only little light and leaving the far side of the room engulfed in shadows.
Imo, unneeded -ly.
I don't think this "thus" is any more needed than the other one I talked about in Ch2.
quote:
With a quick flick of the wrist she turned on an outdated table lamp that would probably have worked better as a vase than in its current purpose.
It doesn't hurt to put a comma after "wrist" for technical reasons, but feel free to bend the grammar if you don't want a pause there.
I don't think "in" is needed. It might be just me, but its existence confused me for a while. I think it works better without.
quote:
To her own surprise, seeing the ominously malice covers again made her feel watched.
I'm a bit confused. Malice is a noun--I dunno if you can use it to describe covers since unless the cover has a bleeding head on it or something, it's hard to make a cover full of malice. If you want to keep it, the adjective form is malicious. And I don't think ominously is necessary, considering how malicious things are almost always ominous.
quote:
To calm her nerves she stood back up, and stepped near the window where a tea-maker was laid on a fittingly-tiny table.
I think the comma is misplaced again. The part after the "and" isn't an independent clause, so no need for the comma there. The comma is probably better off hanging just after "nerves."
quote:
Like holding a door, the act of picking the flower up for her required no bravery from Sir Matthew,
Why is this a comma rather than a period? It's not even a speech tag so much as a regular action.
Overall, I /love/ this story and you absolutely /must/ write more /asap/ before I hunt you down! :D Your plot, characters, setting, ect. all interest me beyond words.
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