RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - C&C


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RE: Fabulae - Sweet Delusions and Fatal Dreams - C&C - Update 17Apr2009

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4/24/2009 12:22:58

Fleur Du Mal
Member

OK, let's see what we will debate about this time. =P

1) Word order corrected
2) Suggestion taken. Also because I overuse the word 'realise' enough as it is.

3) Well, if you read it that way, then it is just the way I meant. You see, regardless of her having any more memory cards, she's going to browse the stores as the current exposure makes photographing very hard. Here comes little spoonfeeding:

- The daylight changes its quality, depending of the hour of the day.
- She has been photographing for some time, it is probable that the light was a bit different when she started and changed while she was at it. OR she started neverminding the light at first, but while she has been doing it, she's become more aware of lightning conditions.
- It's Spring, and there aren't that many nor large leaves in the trees yet, thus the sunlight during the day is very hard and the contrast between light and shadow is huge. If you have an object that's partly in the shadow and partly in the light, the part in the light will suffer from overexposure in the photograph while the part in the shadow still remains too dark for discerning details. Some photoshopping can alleviate the problem, but depending on the case, it may not be worth it.
- So, she decides that even if she /had/ more memory cards with her, it would make more sense to save those for the evening, when the lighting becomes softer again.

Storywise, the above is infodumping. Hence it's not in the text. But, imo, the text tells everything you need to know: she has no memory cards, she realises it's actually just fine as the stark exposure of the daylight isn't optimal for photography anyways.

4) Actually, I think it's fine. It's just 'short hand' for one portion of tea. Like, "Two beers and a coffee," instead of "Two pints of beer and one cup of coffee." The latter might be grammatically the correct version, but I was going for a little freer expression of time there. =P

5) You can't remove the weirdness from my writings, don't even try. =P
However, since my choice of words does indeed seem a bit stupid and cumbersome, I'll remove the 'looking' based on that.

6)

quote:

@},-`--,-
Lol, I'll shut up about the temperature of the book now, or we'll be discussing it for weeks to come.

Thanks. =P

7) Lol, I've seen both used. There's might be a little difference in the meaning, but I can't recall.
So, to play safe, I removed the end:

quote:

She didn't understand a word.

8) Well, it's best to approach a client when it looks like they have found something. If the man would have approached her when she walked through the door, then she might've felt less at ease to browse at will.

Besides, of course he's creepy. He's too handsome /not/ to be creepy. </Y so srs?>

9) Of course. How stupid of me. An hour. A youth. A hero. A European.
In so many words, corrected. I also changed the word order while I was at it.

10) Well, yeah, but that might've been what Laila thought when she saw it on the outside (although the description was more like a "this is what you would expect"-thingy), but as she stepped inside, that first impression was erased as:

quote:

Inside she found out the shop was nothing like she had imagined. It wasn't dark at all; light poured in unhindered from the mirroring windows.

So, I think that the missing 'Harry Potters' weren't that obvious from the point of entry...

11)

quote:

Laila sounds plenty intelligent. She really wouldn't be able to recognize mirrored alphabet with ease?

Lol, didn't we go through this last autumn?

quote:

barely discernible writing on it.

If it's barely discernible, and mirrored, ~~and there's a drop-dead-gorgeous man standing behind her back,~~ it might not be that trivial.=P

12) Hmm, maybe the repetition will work here. Changed.
13) Agreed, it does sound better that way. Changed.

14) Thanks for bringing this up!

quote:

the full frame CMOS-sensor of her Canon.

Yeah, the gear is dear.

I'll look into this later, though. You see, when I wrote this, there was no contradiction. Some people save the pennies to afford something they want badly, such as an expensive camera, and leave other things such as partying, eating out, going to the movies, and travelling,eg, for a while to be able to buy what they want. So, it's not a contradiction that she's saved herself a camera, eg, a few years before and a trip to London this year, but still has no room in her budget for an unplanned purchase of an /expensive/ book.

There's also the possibility, that someone gave the camera to her...

However, it's a good thing you pointed this out. Since I wrote this, I changed one little detail in her backstory that makes this sound a little odd now. I don't think it'll bring any changes here, but I might have to take that into account later on. I bet you are going to grill me on this again, once you get to scene 4 in chapter 4. =P

15) Good eyes! Corrected.
16) I corrected the preposition, but I didn't add the article, as it'll sound too choppy with it.
17) Lol, it does sound...odd. But just a tad. Corrected even though all weirdness is always a plus. =P

18) Actually, I disagree, I like it being a little over-the-top. If he would automatically think it was just red hair, why would he look on closer? I want him to startle because of the vibrant colour.

Ahem. Appreciation of good jeans makes him a pervert? What on earth are you thinking... =P

19) Ah, I just used 'again' because one could assume that they stopped at least for a minute at some point... I don't think I'ma change that.
20) You might be right on this. Changed to 'ride'

Thanks again so much for the comments! *snugglethankies*

DF	Post #: 76

4/24/2009 13:13:49

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

I found the rose yet again!

3: Ah, right, I didn't catch your drift there initially, then.

5: Oh I always try. Which is why we have discussions that continue for weeks about the temperature of book covers.

7: I think from it would only be correct if she were looking at letters inside the book, or a single loose page, but not the cover of a book. Not a clue why though, or if I'm right for that matter.

8: I still find the combination of first letting her browse then creeping up on her a bit weird. To go with the creepy atmosphere, you might want to change the first in something like "He decided to just stand there and check out the fresh meat that just entered his lair". But a bit less exaggerated, of course.

10: Well, I don't think that, even if she finds it less creepy a place now, she would now be under the assumption it was some major book store buying in stocks of whatever books are "all the rage" at that time.

11: You know me, I forget stuff. Anyway, I still stand by my point I apparently made earlier :P

12: I didn't mean that particularly to add repetition, just clearing up a grammatical mistake.

quote:

I bet you are going to grill me on this again, once you get to scene 4 in chapter 4. =P

Your wish is my command.

17:You weirdness-fetishist!

18: I get that, but I don't think it's good to give the reader the same impression, at least not in the way you did here.

Right, he was probably just admiring the latest Victor&Rolf there... Silly me...

19: Yeah, looking back either is fine. Still, sounds kind of weird when, to the readers knowledge, the bickering was uninterrupted.

I will probably edit the next chapter's comments in here again, and pm you about it. Unless some one else bothers to check out this thread and place a comment. I mean come on people! There's some good writing going on here! Geez!

AQ	Post #: 77

5/6/2009 19:52:53

Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer

These are edits for Rose

ch1:

quote:

As the exhibition rooms swarmed with curious people peering into the displays of Gothic horror immortalized on canvas, she had a hard time spotting a painting that wasn't hidden behind a beehive of other visitors.

quote:

Just before her, an elderly couple with matching striped shirts gazed at a watercolour work mostly hidden behind their heads and shoulders.

quote:

Back in the lobby, Laila found that she had already spent a whole two hours and had no time to visit the permanent exhibition, because the place was about to close.

ch2:

quote:

Alas, they were not, and G.J. had to settle with a nudge delivered in between his ribs and served with a smile by his co-student, Charlie, while they waited for young Mr Henshall to finish his business in the ticket office.

ch3:

quote:

It has been too long since I've come near anyone even close to this interesting, he thought, talking to himself to ignore such pre-programmed codes of conduct that told him to turn around.

quote:

While he was waiting for the light to turn green, Matthew subconsciously stuffed the memory card into his pocket.

quote:

A certain feel of intimacy floated around the scene inside: she pointed to a vase with long, deep-red roses that still hid their lush blossoms in buds.

ch4:

quote:

Just to get his blood circulating again, he ran up the stairs to the first floor and engaged himself with jumping up and down while waiting for someone to let him into the apartment.

quote:

Mumbling something about his imagination running so wild that he would no doubt invent a torture device utilizing cream and cones, he stayed a few feet from the Dungeon's exit, scanning the people pouring out of the closing attraction.

quote:

Sometimes, she was spirited enough to change a few words with her daughter afterwards.

quote:

She halted to run her palm along the markings, the familiar feel of those etchings still there.

that's all I found so far!

Post #: 78

5/7/2009 10:45:32

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Thank you so much for the edits, Brynn! I seem to have a blind spot to the preposition 'to,' so many of those I had somehow managed to leave out.

I fixed everything you pointed out, expect one of the 'to' prepositions, the one missing from the thought between 'close' and 'this':

quote:

It has been too long since I've come near anyone even close this interesting, he thought, talking to himself to ignore such pre-programmed codes of conduct that told him to turn around.

I decided to leave it out, since it's a direct thought, so the grammar doesn't neccessarily have to be perfect, and for some very peculiar reason, it works better in my mind as a thought without the preposition. =P

Thanks again!

In other news: I'll most likely return to writing chapter 5 next week. I've written the first version for scene one, but it needs a lot polishing,and the scenes 2 & 3 don't even have that first version, only outlines. I currently have some RL-duties/obligations that are engaging/demanding enough to eat away my concentration from writing this story, but I should be rid of that after next Monday. *here's hoping* =P

DF	Post #: 79

5/8/2009 10:41:26

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Like I just pm'ed you, I will continue reading later. However, just reading your comment here I caught a mistake (not in the direct thought).
Firstly, Brynn's second "to" is not part of the direct thought but a description of it.
Secondly, here's what I caught:

quote:

talking to himself to ignore such pre-programmed codes of conduct that told him to turn around.

This means: He was talking to himself in order to ignore blablabla.
I think you mean that he was telling himself it, so:
he thought, telling himself to

AQ	Post #: 80

5/8/2009 15:42:29

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Thanks for catching that! There's already one instance of the verb 'to tell' in the same sentence, though, so I changed the verb to 'convincing'

PS.
I'm afraid I missed your point about the 'to' being a part of description. I told that I fixed everything else besides the 'to' in the thought -- including the 'to' after the thought.

-So the 'to' is added into the description part.

< Message edited by fabula -- 5/8/2009 15:43:27 >

DF	Post #: 81

5/9/2009 8:47:47

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Then it's all good. I was just confused due to your reaction saying that it was flawed grammar because he was thinking it, and got to thinking you therefore didn't make any adjustments.

Wow, I have really been slacking off on this. Well, at least you got some quality comments. :P And here's some more!

Chapter 3

1:

quote:

Wrapped luxuriously in ivory silk paper, the mysterious book travelled with the red-haired woman, who clasped it protectively against her chest with both of her hands.

Perhaps too direct a reference to the scene with Matthew and the London Eye. Perhaps a different kind of phrasing here than used in that scene, such as "the ginger girl", would work better?

2:

quote:

To calm her nerves, she stood back up and stepped near the window where a tea-maker was laid on a fittingly-tiny table.

*chuckles for a good half an hour*

3:

quote:

After switching the machine on, she leant on a dark wooden closet,

leaned

4:

quote:

ignored the polluted air smelling stuck on her sticky skin

It smelled stuck? What specifically about the smell would give the idea that it was stuck... Also, stuck+sticky...bit much, no?

5:

quote:

This curse also has the power of making your enemies to know what they are paying for.

Don't know if it's plain bad grammar, but it sounds wrong either way.

6:

quote:

It has been too long since I've come near anyone even close this interesting,

even half this interesting
or:
even close to this interesting
Preferably the former^^

7:

quote:

A persistent shudder of shame forced him to look down on his feet, but not to greet the familiar sight of his dusty shoes;

Sounds like: but it did not force him to greet the sight of blabla
While you mean: but as he looked down he saw something aside from his dusty shoes.
Consider clearing up a little.

8:

quote:

, and he quickly deduced it to most likely have been dropped from her pocket.

deduced it was most likely
Or something to that effect.

9:

quote:

With thick gloves in his hands, the florist picked five of them for her and wrapped them individually

Checking to see if you meant in and not on his hands here.

Oh my, a storm here is a-brewing!
Hopefully I'll get myself to read the latest chapter really soon. But well, you know me...
Maybe I'll reread Avoiding too, lest I forget how I loved that story.

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 5/11/2009 12:23:35 >

_____________________________

AQ	Post #: 82

5/14/2009 5:43:24

Fleur Du Mal
Member

My apologies for my delayed reply. Without presenting any excuses, I go straight to answering.

1) Hmm, I rather like the direct reference as it is, so I don't think I'm going to change it now. Thanks for the suggestion, though!

2) Lol. Just as a remainder. All my characters have identifiable traits from the person(s) they are "inspired by". But I hope no one is going to draw any signs of equality because of these. =P

3) Heh, an editing mistake. The original version was worded with 'had' -> 'had leant.' Which was a very wordy version. Anyways, it seems I forgot to change that to a tense 'not so far ago'... Fixed.

4) Another one of those half-edited sentences. Corrected to:
"She forgot she was sweaty from all the walking, ignored the smell of polluted air on her skin;"

5) Odd, to me it sounds just right. I really can't see how I'm supposed to fix it.

6) This is the debated thought, lol. I'm afraid I'm not going to edit that into a grammatically strict form, it's supposed to be a bit hasty. (Please don't go all bru-ra-rhum on me. =P)

7)&8) Whew. That was messy. =P Edited to:
"A persistent shudder of shame forced him to look down on his feet. Doing so, his eyes didn't greet just the familiar sight of his dusty shoes; right in front of his toes lay a small squared object: a memory card for a camera. Surprised that anything tossed on the streets of London could be as clean as the card was, he picked it up. The smooth surface felt warm in his hand. Under the gathering shades of the evening, a dawning smile lighted his features. This must have dropped from her pocket. I need to return this, he thought, putting one foot in front of the other, determined to keep the distancing figure in sight."

9) I blame my native language for that error. Fixed.

Once again, thanks for commenting! @},`--,-

If you happen to reread the Avoiding, you might notice it has been edited since last autumn. Some of the changes are really small, like replacing a word or two, some are bigger, like cutting down wordiness of endless amounts, almost rewriting a whole scene and additions from one paragraph to a whole scene.

DF	Post #: 83

5/18/2009 3:51:01

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

I have some spare time in school now, since my second hour dropped (I had 1st off anyway, so I could still have been in bed, if someone had bothered to add this change in schedual on the site that they are supposed to be on...*is grumpy*).

Chapter 4, as much as I have time for:
1:

quote:

A low buzz noted Matthew the gate unlocked.

What kind of gate is this supposed to be, and how is it different from what us regular folks would call a door?

2:

quote:

His sister's friend and collague drew the door shut and leaned on the wall to watch as he shed off his shoes and thin overcoat.

Admittedly, I had some doubts about the correct spelling of colleague, but your horrible attempt[/half-kidding

] at spelling it invited me to go look it up, and here it is. XD
2b: Shed off his shoes? To me that sounds double. Either shed or took off.

3:

quote:

While she waited for him to be ready, she took a sip of red wine from a glass she held.

the glass she held
sounds better here, because by using "a" so oddly, you are suggesting that she is ballancing a great many glasses, meanwhile taking a sip out of one of them. Okay, I'm overdoing it. Still, y'all catchin' my drift? Aight!

4:

quote:

Matthew turned his gaze from the exploded kitchen to his sister and grinned, “Or they heard that you were cooking and did the wise thing.”

“Jerk,” Meredith bunched him lightly with the back of her hand.

“Sister.”

I've endured my share of sibbling rivelary, and I must say that the counter of "sister" is...peculiar. It just sounds a bit weird. It makes no sense to make fun of the fact that she is a sister... All I could think of as an alternative thus far is to feign sexism and return "woman", but that's not too good either. You can't just leave it out, cause the scene does need that sharp one-word ending. I will look at this once more when I get home, and we'll see what happens.

This is it so far. Don't bother commenting upon it, cause there'll be more once I get home, which is roughly *thinks* 5 hours from now. Well, you can comment, actually, then I'll just continue in a new post. You see about that. My break started, so I'm off to find my mates and hope they can help me forget about the fact that I COULD STILL BE SLEEPING NOW!!!
Ahem...
Cheerio, Fabz!

EDIT: Back for more:
Looking back to find where I was, I caught another one in the first scene:
5:

quote:

“Jerk,” Meredith bunched him lightly with the back of her hand.

punched

scene 2:
6:

quote:

Cursing all the tea his sister had poured in him after the supper, he sneaked out of the bedroom.

into him

7:

quote:

As they ate side by side, even a blind man would have marked the family resemblance between the brother and sister.

"even a blind man" may be a tad too extreme...

8:

quote:

This had not been the first time Lisa observed the siblings, yet the resemblance never ceased to mesmerise her.

Bit weird how only now it is revealed that the resemblance is something Lisa is observing, rather than simply a comment by the narrator. Can work, if worded differently:
Lisa too, for the umpteenth time, was mesmerised by..
Something like that.

9:

quote:

The brother and sister had looked at each other.

remove "had"

10:

quote:

For some time, Matthew had listened those two analysing the stock market and then the extent of slimyness of Lisa's boss,

listened to those two
of the slimyness

11:

quote:

knowing that neither one of them wasn't that big of a night-owl.

Double denial? Are you turning ghetto on me now?

12:

quote:

Matthew realised that they haven't noticed him waking up.

hadn't

13:

quote:

He knew he would be better off not knowing, but he wasn't to be the first human on earth to skip a chance to hear what others talked of him behind his back.

what other thought of him
or
how others talked of him
Also, sentence sounds kind of weird...

14:

quote:

“Then how can you be so sure he even has any?” inquired Lisa.

had any, lol

About the scene: When he went to the bathroom, didn't he flush? Didn't the girls at least realize on some level, then, that he must have been awake and would be for some time until he'd fall asleep again? Wouldn't they be a little weary speaking about him in such a fashion then?

Scene 3:
15:

quote:

“I'm thinking which would be the best place to watch sunset over Thames now that you excluded the pubs from our agenda,”

Sounds a bit weird. Maybe: I'm thinking of which/ I'm contemplating which.
Also, over the Thames

16:

quote:

Their last pit stop on their tour had been just west of Fleet Street; an informal and popular student-bar they entered to watch stand-up.

I find using pit stop here a bit weird. It doesn't reference to anything that has been going on, any thoughts or discussions or anything, it's just there. Of course, it works, but I think a regular "stop" will do fine here.

17:

quote:

On the streets, nearly all pedestrians had vanished, leaving behind only the occasional car cruising down the street, and blurred silhouettes of people in lit windows.

In Whitechapel? At 6:30, give or take a few minutes? Is this story set in a post-nuclear holocaust scene? If not, I think that's a bit odd.

18:

quote:

The narrower side streets they passed on the way amplified their steps with an hollow echo, hewn down by the sharp edges of their laughter.

A hollow echo.

19:

quote:

Just as Charlie reached the high point of his mimicking performance on one of the comedians, a stranger rushed out from dark, freezing the friends into their places.

from the dark.

20:

quote:

He looked straight into Charlie's eyes, evaluating him, before turning to G.J. and repeating the same process.

It's hardly a process, is it?

Taking a break before the final act of this chapter.

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 5/18/2009 9:44:05 >

AQ	Post #: 84

5/18/2009 15:17:07

Fleur Du Mal
Member

What recklessness from a school-system!

Anyways, to your valuable comments!

1) I didn't want to repeat the word 'door'. You think that gate cannot be applied for a heavier, a little more massive door than what is usual? If not, I'm going to change that to a door or try a to find other way to formulate it.

2a) Lol, typoed.
2b) True, removed 'off'.

3) Caught the drift. =P Changed.
4) OK, Matthew is actually connecting the words 'Jerk' and 'Sister,' more or less using 'Sister' as an equivalent for the first word. It may be outside what's common, but that's what Matthew does. He does it to annoy Meredith, of course, using the definition she can't get rid of as an 'insulting' word. She'll always be 'Sister' if you can catch my drift. =P
@},-'--,-

5) Lol, yet again I plame my native language. Fixed.
6) Fixed as well.

7) It might be, but it's a pretty common way to note something obvious. "Even a blind man could see you are beautiful." It's a line from the movie Hidalgo.

8) True. Went with this:

quote:

For the umpteenth time, Lisa was mesmerized by the uncanny resemblance of the siblings.

9)Actually, everything around here happens in the past in reference to the trip to the toilet, so, technically, all the sentences should have 'had'. However, as Firefly pointed out to me in one of her critiques on Avoiding the Inevitable, repeating the had in every sentence is going to kill the reader. So, I've bended the grammar in other sentenced and chosen this one to be one of those sentences, where the reader gets guided about the timeline.

10) a) Fixied.
b) Me deludedly thinks it flows better without the article, so I'm going to deliberately abuse the grammar here. =P

11) Lol, double negation removed.
12) Oops, tense corrected.

13) As the conversation and Matthew's reaction to it should show, he is actually also interested in 'what' they say about him and just in what manner. It's the privacy thingy.
How come it feels weird? I ain't seeing it, for some reason. Do you mean weirder or more normal than my usual style? =P

14) When tired enough, one might notice a familiar sound, like flushing the toilet, but not neccessarily pay any attention to what it means. Especially if the sound seems to come far away, door closed, other end of the apartment, etc.
I'm going to think this over though, and if it starts to bother me, I'll fix it a little.

The verb has been corrected. =P

15) I don't want Charlie talking too sophisticated when he's not trying to impress anyone. That's why I rather not use the verb 'contemplating'. Also, 'thinking which' without the article flows out better, so I'm leaving that part as it is. However, the article before the Thames hath been added. =P

16) I'm afraid I disagree, and keep the 'pit stop'. It makes the sentence sound more casual, imho, and as I am describing casual things, I think it serves a purpose.

17)It's not 6:30PM. You have missed something. (Actually, a lot.) See the sentence below and the one with the 'pit stops'.

quote:

Around eleven, the friends decided to head back towards Whitechapel.

They leave the stand-up pub around eleven, taking their time to get to the Tube, catching it, and disembarking from it. I would estimate it's over half past eleven when they get to Whitechapel. I could add some more people they pass to the Aldgate East station and having them dispersing to different directions, if you think that's still too deserted...

18) Lol, I might have went with 'ollow hecho there. =P Fixied.

19) I seem to be forgetting half of my articles and typoing the other half. =P Thanks, aaand fixed!
20) I took the liberty to call it a process as he goes through consequent actions there.

Million thanks for your comments again!

DF	Post #: 85

5/19/2009 9:52:53

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Lol, I'm kind of wondering why this google add is inviting me to learn Hebrew online with Israel's best teachers :P Oh well.

Comments on your comments first, where I feel them necesary, then the last scene.

1: Well, I got the feeling here you just took the word gate rather than door all the time. May be my bad.
8: I'm still getting the sense here that all the above would have been an observation by Lisa, but you find out only now and in a weird way. To keep the above as a remark by the narrator, you can do what I said earlier and add something like "too", signifying Lisa notes it, as did the narrator. Or you can just put all the above into thought and give it to her like that.
10.b. You've abused grammar enough now. I am putting my foot down here! *dramatically stamps foot on the ground*
13: What others talked <wrong. No matter how you try to sweet-talk your way out of it.
14: Great explanation. So why am I reading it in the comment thread rather than in the work? It is not a fact that they are tired; they may have spent the day on naps... So make sure that it's clear that they are tired and therefore failed to register it.
15: I'm thinking about what <Does that sound unsophisticated enough?
17: *headdesks* Shame on me.
20: There was a process there before the looking into eyes, but here the things he does are :1: Look into eyes. 2: Evaluate. In fact, likely doing both at once. Process? I think not!

Continuing with 21, for thou convenience.

21:

quote:

The flowers changed the room from dreary small to cosy.

dreary small?
drearily small, perhaps?
Or: dreary and small

22:

quote:

As she pulled out the memory card, and placed into the pile of full ones, she

placed it into the pile
Or are you too good for proper grammar again? XD

23:

quote:

”Call me, while you are here,” Matthew said. He pushed the ticket along the smooth surface of the table to her. As she took it, his fingertips brushed lightly against hers.

Matthew never mentioned his name to her, so you might want to simply address him with "him" here. Or add a bit where they exchange names.

24:

quote:

Laila had already spent five days from her two-week vacation in London

days of her

25:

quote:

A little over week left before she would have to return home.

over a week

26:

quote:

her eyes swelling up with water that would ran down her cheeks for hours, no matter what Laila tried.

would run down

27:

quote:

And she did exactly what they had done to her daughter: just watched...

She: Laila. They: Mom's eyes. her daughter: Laila. See how the references are kind of odd here? Consider:
And she did exactly what they had done to her: just watch...
Also changed the tense of watch there. Felt better.

28:

quote:

After she had bought the book, she tried to phone him once again.

Once again hints at her trying it repeatedly and now, too.
I think you want: Tried it one last time, in which case this might be better:
"once more"

29:

quote:

Yet all the money he forced down her mother's throat, he denied any direct contact from Laila.

Not yet, but "despite"
contact with Laila, right?

30:

quote:

I wonder, if he could feel what's not...what was...if he would lie it wouldn't matter and still run? she thought, while the steam continued to rise from the tub, gradually condensing on the cold surface of the mirror.

Thoughts a bit too chaotic now. To make it a bit more clear, add "if he would lie that it doesn't matter and still run"

Lovely, lovely. Very interesting how this is unfolding.
However, that last scene may have had a bit of an odd ending. Maybe if you left out the mention of the papercut earlier and only revealed it at the very end, it'd be more ominous?

AQ	Post #: 86

5/20/2009 6:36:43

Fleur Du Mal
Member

@off-topic: I get that ad often, too. But now the page-ad is promoting some corporate solutions. =P

8) Hmm, the whole look-alike thing is presented in the preceding paragraph, without Lisa's observations. I think that should be enough as Lisa watching it is described only after that.
I did change "Lisa was mesmerized by the uncanny resemblance of the siblings" to "Lisa was mesmerized by this uncanny resemblance of the siblings"

'This' should link it together better. I don't personally see that anymore fine tuning would be neccessary at this point. Let's see what happens if I ever start any endless editing cycles after the first version of the whole story is finished.=P

10b) I went so far that I typed the article there. But when I read it, it's so hopelessly choppy. 'the extent of the slimyness of Lisa's boss" So, I removed it again. Maybe the whole part needs to be rephrased, if I want to be both not-choppy and grammatically correct. I can't come up with such a rephrasing right now, though.

13) Shall we agree we disagree here? =P

14) OK, I'll add that description one way or another. Needs some thought, so I'll do it together when get to the point of writing the adjustments I and Firefly discussed about scene 4.

15) Lol. Went with a different solution: "I'm trying to figure out what's the best place to watch sunset... "

20) Maybe... but I checked the dictionary:

[b]process:[/b] noun, countable. A series of actions or thoughts by which you come to a decision or find an answer

Note the word thoughts. A thinking process. I get to keep the word. =P

Scene 4
@},--',--
21) Fixied to 'dreary and small' since I overuse those '-ly' adverbs already. =P
22) A rule of thumb: I'm not too good for anything. =P That was a mishap in editing. Thanks and fixied.
@},--',--
23) Hmm. I didn't want to describe the first meeting in detail. They go to a cafe, do some introductions, etc, so by default they would also exchange their names. My strategy is to have both of the parties to think back on that and share their first impressions via thought.
However, (see point 14)) there's a slight problem in the way Laila thinks back to Matthew now, so this bit is going to be edited later. I'm not sure whether am going to add the exchanging of names there, but I'll elaborate on the 'meeting' so that it should be even more obvious that there has been an introduction.
@},--',--
24) Lol, me and prepositions... Fixied.
25) Arggh. That article shouldn't be missing there! Fixied.
26) Confusing tenses while editing, lol. Excuses... Fixied. And since I was at it, I also edited the ending of the sentence: "..., no matter what Laila did in attempt to comfort her."
@},--',--
27) Hmm, that wasn't what I was after. Does this edit into italics, help to make it clearer: "And she did exactly what they had done to her daughter: just watched..."
'They' refers to a group of people in Laila's (and her mother's) past.
@},--',--
28) Hmm, very true, even though she has been trying that fairly recently (leading to smashing her cell in ch 2, it's the same day), agreed and changed.
29) OK, fixied both for now. The sentence was pretty messed-up. That's why I had came up with such an odd preposition. It was edited to this: "Despite all the money he forced down her mother's throat, he refused to have any direct contact with Laila." And because the next sentence had the same verb, I had to edit that, too:
"He denied her the answer to her only question."
@},--',--
30) Yeah, you are not the frist to point out this is thought is way too obscure. =P And it is going to be edited once I get to fixing those things that need more thought. Therefore, I'm afraid I'm not going to do that little change right now.
@},--',--

Thank you yet again for pointing all my recurring and new and never-ending mistakes out as well as the reasons for debate =P!

Further edits and updates are delayed until I get back from a little trip out the city and out the country. I'll be gone for the rest of this week. So, see you all later!

DF	Post #: 87

7/12/2009 17:09:18

Fleur Du Mal
Member

I've started a new story, an experimental fantasy called Serpent of Eiji

Currently, there's only a short prologue posted.

I'll write a longer, more descriptive post once a get chapter 1 up.

There's one thing I need to mention now.

I'm experimenting with variating the style of narration depending on the POV.
This means that chapter 1 will be written in a more or less different style than the prologue. Also, the amount of description depends on the POV. If the person, who's POV the chapter or scene is written in, doesn't notice the colour of the wall-paper, then it is not described. =P I'm trying out very strict POVs here. Let's see if I can manage that or not. I hope the story won't fall under all the experiments I'm planning to try with it. =P

All comments (and questions...although I'm not going to spoil it) are welcomed, as always!

DF	Post #: 88

7/13/2009 21:36:44

ringulreith
Member

Fabula, you are an evil, evil person. Luring me like that with the promice of blood and goar and murder and all things exciting, and only giving me a prologue!? *pouts*Evil... Evil... Evil...

Can I please have more? *puppy eyes*

Post #: 89

7/14/2009 10:00:17

Fleur Du Mal
Member

<ominousVoice>
Evil? Oh, but thou hath severely mistaken my true nature! Thou dost see I am way worse. Thou shalt soon name me the wicked person that I am!
</ominousVoice>

ok...where did that come from... <_<...>_>

Thank you for your enthusiasm, Ont! I'm flattered by you calling me evil...no, I mean... you wanting more. =P Chapter 1 is under its way and if the circumstances allow it, I may be able to post it at the end of this week. Yea, I'm slow...*kitty-cat eyes stare back at the puppy eyes* =P

***

To those who might be wondering what's this new project about when I haven't even finished the previous story. I forgot to tell this in the previous post:

I have written chapters 5 and 6 for the Rose but there's something terribly wrong with them, and I'm currently at the end of my wit when it comes to fixing them. I'm hoping that experimenting with something completely different will help my brain to untie whatever knots are hindering me to continue the Rose. But we shall see. I am refusing to give up, it's just taking lot longer than I expected to get things right with that story. And I can't just sit and mope around, writing no prose at all.

< Message edited by fabula -- 7/14/2009 10:01:52 >

DF	Post #: 90

7/15/2009 13:48:19

Firefly
Lore-ian

You told me in a PM about the issues with Rose. If you're willing to explain more, I'd be glad to help. If I could. Which I know readers sometimes can't, because once Mastin offered the same thing to me and I had to tell him thanks, but no thanks.

Just letting you know that I don't care if they're in rough shape right now. If you want to PM me about the issues, email me the current versions of those chapters, or whatever, I'd be willing to help. Of course, sometimes, only the writer can aid the story, so I'd really understand if you take a while before posting the chapters. Just don't give up!

AQ	Post #: 91

7/20/2009 1:28:38

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Thank you so much for offering your help, Firefly! Currently I have to say thank you but no thank you, though, as most of my problems with the story are of the kind where they are impossible to solve lest one knows the whole plot and content and all about the characters of the story. I have to warn you though, that I might come and haunt you about that offer later... =P That is, if I end up in a situation where I've solved half of the problems (so that I don't have to draw a 333- page power point diagram about my twisted plans for the story to get help) and I'm still stuck.

***
OK, I've posted chapter 1 of Serpent of Eiji called The Golden Arrow

You'll probably notice that the sentences are longer on average than in Prologue. This is intentional and done because of the nature of the character who's POV I'm using here. I'll be very grateful if someone who has time to read this, takes the extra time to notify me if there are sentences that are totally foreign to flow. I mean really awkward, full of full stops in forms or other punctuation than. full.stops. periods.

Chapter 2 will again have a different POV, so if long sentences are not to your liking, you may have a breather then...*evil laughter* =P

Additional notes:
-Timeline-wise chapter 1 as well as much of the following beginning chapters take place before the Prologue.
-The dragon(s) in the story do(es) not the fit straight into the typical "Western" dragon -model. (Not saying that it would fit straight into the "Eastern" model, either. ) However, most of the people in the world where this story is placed in, classifies the dragon as the typical "Western" dragon. Are you confused yet? If not, allow me to try to confuse you some more....

Origins of the story:
- Long, long, long....well. .ok, maybe less than a year ago, I got this idea for a fairy-tale-like short story called 'The Old Lady and the Dragon.' The original idea was a thread in the Literary Discussion forum about youth pwning the older ones in literature, mainly in regard to young chap going on revenge against a ueber-strong-evil-bad-guy-who-killed-his-parents-or-something-along-these-very-long-and-purrhaps-over-used-lines. So, the original idea was supposed to be for destructing some cliches or at least playing with some conventionalities.
- I started playing in my head with the idea and noticed that it would be too long for a short story, even without adding any characters besides the original 'Old Lady', 'the dragon', 'the young guy' and 'the damsel to be in distress'
- I also realised that the original story plan would be a huge injustice to the character that would get casted as 'the damsel to be in distress' so I had to change that. Along changed a bunch of other major and major details resulting to the fact that anything 'fairy-tale-like' was totally out-of-the-question.
- AE WarpForce went into beta testing and frankly, the visual look of the character I happened to pick up was so inspiring that I had to write something about it. And the I realised the character would fit into this story straight on. That is, not the character of WF, but the character that popped up in my mind upon seeing the visual look of the WF character. Do I make myself not-clear? Good. =P

Shortly about the world.
- Not very consistent language-wise. Obviously and unfortunately, I'm no Oxford Professor in English =P, so I'm declaring substantial freedom when it comes picking up names for places and people in this story. Characters and places named so far: Mona, Lars, Ama, Eskeleth, Eiji. Three first are character names, two last are places.
If someone wants to know how I ended up choosing these, notify me, and you'll get a free trip to my haphazard decision-making and to my twisted head. Not recommended as it is more boring than it sounds. =P

- Not placed in medieval world. This is from the story-page:
Tech. Status: Guns, swords, bows, gaslight, no electricity. Haven't decided on steam power yet.

Hmm, as a final warning, I did only minimal proofreading and polishing, so the chapter is pretty rough still, especially around the end. I decided to schedule any fits of extensive polishing with wax, as well as purrfectionism, until later.

DF	Post #: 92

8/27/2009 22:27:33

Argeus the Paladin
Member

Okay then. Let's ~~clear~~ BURN the cobwebs here in these parts, shan't we?

If you've read my latest commentaries on other works, you'll find I've mostly scrapped my three-part analysis in favor of a more general, overall style of commenting. It both saves time and is arguably more useful/helpful than what I used to do.

Overall, your writing is still as good as ever - I could see no errors, and most of the prose is very well-balanced. There's a reason why you write slowly, isn't it?

The prologue is generally generic - as in, an intruder in a holdup and not much happening. The cliffhanger ending leaves plenty of ground for speculation though - what happened to the woman after that? What was the silver flash? Yep, that kind of question I'd expect to be answered ASAP.

Now chapter 1 is where it's at: The dragon. Thanks to Alix and the Forgotten Realms, I've grown quite a liking to these creatures and, of course, a particular set of rules that generally applies to them, which is generally DnD 3.5rd edition rules. Which is, the size of dragons range from Medium (as in the case of hatchlings) to Colossal (as in the great mighty Ancient Force Wyrm that can mow down a party of epic adventurers without breaking a sweat).

Generally, most mythos speaks about dragons as extremely smart and wise creatures, with extensive arcane and linguistic knowledge that is as good as innate. And did I say they are carnivorous most of the times?

So I take it both as something going against the norm and innovative to see a young, helpless dragon, which resembles a little kitten more than a mighty beast capable of mass destruction whether or not aided by modern technology (read: Ichishiki Dracoframe - my plans for book 2 of the Elven Robot Wars series).

At this point, your dragon is more Western than eastern. Eastern dragons are, well, more often than not gods. Or the embodiment of an emperor. Or BOTH. And yes, they are as scary/majestic as they sound.

So far, so good. We need moar human/dragon interaction these days rather than the classic "dragonslayer finds dragon cave, slays dragon with a Dragon Blade, and takes the dragon's hoard and spend it on moar weapons and a couple fo pub crawls"

Still waiting for the next chapters - the anachronic order of teh Serpents makes it hard to focus on any single storyline at present.

So... good luck! We ARE going to pull the community together, just mark my word.

DF	Post #: 93

8/30/2009 2:56:25

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi and thankies for your comments, Argeus!

The prologue is very general, I admit. Its main purpose is to offer a short glimpse to the future as there are years between the starting chapters and the "appearance" of the ruthless intruder. I'm also trying to dust off my beginnings from their usual stale over-descriptiveness.

What happened to the woman will be told flat-out straight only after the story progresses to this point. Although, if you would guess, you'd probably get it right.

What comes to the eastern dragon as opposd to western dragon discussion, you are right, he is more western than eastern. I brought that difference up because (one reason) unlike pure western ones, this little fella is originating from a river, his mother was the river spirit/god/dragon, and to my poor knowledge, that would be an eastern trait. I'm also trying to avoid dragon = the pure demonic beast for knights to slay.

And I was weird enough to make him not carnivorous, but omnivorous with a taste for peaches, the Chinese symbol of immortality. =P

Thanks again, more human/dragon interaction will be found. That's a crucial part of this story.

DF	Post #: 94

9/8/2009 12:15:51

Fleur Du Mal
Member

It seems as if the Serpent of Eiji will be a story built up bit by bit... Added the first scene of Chapter 2 - The Newcomer The addition is brief, I know... This chapter will have 2 more scenes. Introducing even more characters. =P

Enjoy, if possible. =P

DF	Post #: 95

10/5/2009 16:17:25

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Record-slowly, the Serpent of Eiji is progressing. =P Second scene finally added to chapter two.

Enjoy! =P

DF	Post #: 96

10/5/2009 16:42:01

DragonYugi
Member

Nice nice! I really like everything so far! :) This inspires me to work harder xD

Post #: 97

12/1/2009 19:47:54

Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer

Here are my edits for Serpent...

Prologue

quote:

“You really do not know...” the intruder said after a while.

Since you have her words trailing off, I really don't think that you need a comma as well as three periods so I deleted it. :)

Chapter 1 – The Golden Arrow

quote:

Inside of him raged frustration, bred by the inability to grasp what had brought this violent change to his life, what had changed the humans from the occasional sole wanderer, who cooled his feet in the river on hot days or lay gazing at the moon on clear nights, to this mob of murderers that had blocked their river with a dam and ambushed his mother.

quote:

She never explained to him why, but that one encounter in the past made him trust her when she found him half-dead beside the remains of his mother.

quote:

He let her carry him away, tucked in her woollen sweater.

Chapter 2 – The Newcomer

quote:

Downstairs, an oil lamp illuminated the kitchen.

quote:

For awhile, Lars watched Mrs. Arden preparing for dinner, her hands wielding a knife in a determined tempo.

Is there a reason why you left off all the periods after the name titles?

quote:

In the room beside the kitchen stood Mr. Arden, holding the candle he had just lit.

quote:

His other hand dove into the shadows, drawing an arch before returning back to the small circle of light, tightly grasping a doll.

quote:

Silently, Lars continued to observe the man in his grief until he dropped to his knees and wailed, hiding his face against the long skirts of the doll.

quote:

A depression in the sand a few feet away, leading away from the center of the village.

quote:

That she had bewitched Mrs. Arden in her time of mourning, luring her to take her in while Mr. Arden was still too succumbed to his grief to object.

quote:

Lars knew the cost of deviation himself: the weight of the hours he had spent in his room, forcing his right hand to act instead of his left had taught him that.

This sentence concerning the hand part confused me. Was he trying to become ambidextrous?

quote:

Then, his eyes looked to the fabrics around his legs.

If you really meant "locked" then I would change it to "locked on the fabrics". "Locked to" just didn't sound right, imo.

quote:

The melody of water dripping into water made him turn and direct his gaze back on the Well of Stars.

Although the swift changes of scenes has me a little confused right now, I am sure that you will tie it all together beautifully in the coming chapters. Looking forward to more.

Post #: 98

12/3/2009 16:50:27

Fleur Du Mal
Member

@DragonYugi: Thank you so much for the comment. =) I'm sorry I didn't express my thanks sooner, but I was deluded to think I could do so in conjuction with announcing the addition of the third scene. Well, as it happens, the third scene is still not finished... Tempus fugit (time flies), I guess. =P

@Brynn: Thank you thousand times for reading, and going through my silly mistakes. I really was slacking with the articles there, wasn't I? I find the comma I left in there with the ellipsis very funny, as I have been reading a lot of rules for punctuation lately, and I was still completely blind to that mistake.

quote:

If you really meant "locked" then I would change it to "locked on the fabrics". "Locked to" just didn't sound right, imo.

I specifically wanted to use the verb 'locked' there, so I changed the preposition to 'on'. I do have trouble with prepositions all the time. Thanks for catching that!

The thing with the Mr and Mrs having no periods is due to the fact that I try to use UK-English and there are no periods used with those titles in the standard UK-English. At least that's what my old and trustworthy Collins Cobuild dictionary says.

Otherwise, all typos and grammar errors fixied!

I do realise the story is a bit hard to follow right now as there's only so little posted, and I am experimenting with structures here. All the elements should start to braid in together in a few chapters, though. I hope it doesn't become too much of a strain to read due to my odd tests and experiments.

Once again, thank you so much for commenting, Brynn! =)

DF	Post #: 99

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