RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: When Mastin Speaks...


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8/17/2008 7:47:58

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Haiku's... Hmmmm.

First off, let me tell you what is the very first, basic, essential, ground rule of haiku's:
5
7
5

quote:

A summer’s breeze,
A magical moment -
A silent blade of darkness.

is:
4
6
7

quote:

I look up to the building,
It’s quite huge.
It makes me think of your heart.

is:
7
3
7

etc. etc.

Point is: You didn't quite follow the syllable rule there, so there can be great debate towards the Haikuian nature of these poems...
Nevertheless, I quite enjoyed some of them.
This needs some thinking though. More than five minutes even, possibly.

~~EDIT: Page claimed in the name of complete disregard for conventions! [/joke]~~ No page-claiming, please. - Cow Face

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 6/3/2009 14:26:02 >

AQ	Post #: 26

8/17/2008 9:25:35

Arthur The Brave One
Member

Wait, I thought Haiku's just had to have 17 syllables in total O_O Little misunderstanding... Maybe I'll change the title to "A Couple of 17-syllable poems"?

Post #: 27

8/27/2008 15:45:41

lguan
Member

Like I said before, I'm not the best at critisizing poetry, and no where near your ability to be able to dissect and evaluate poetry so well. And thanks again for looking at my poems :D.

I like your concepts, they're very deep ;).
You'd think most poems are centered around the idea of love (and a lot are), since it's so much easier to write about that than other things, but you have a way to write about anything that comes to your mind, which really amazes me. Writing about simple things like fire and water would be so difficult for me, as I would have no idea to start. But you've taken such a simple concept an turned it into a masterpiece :).

Again, I don't interpret any kind of writing well enough to evaluate it stanza by stanza, line by line, like you can XD. I'll check this thread every so often for updates, and I apologize if my critique isn't up to par to what you would normally recieve ;).

< Message edited by lguan -- 8/27/2008 15:46:33 >

AQ	Post #: 28

8/27/2008 16:01:31

Arthur The Brave One
Member

Meh, trust me, I've seen worse ;)

[totally grateful and in tears]Thanks for the complement!!! *throws around cookies like it's confetti*[/totally grateful and in tears]

Post #: 29

8/30/2008 13:06:43

Arthur The Brave One
Member

New: Running From the Dark - A Song. I'm quite proud of it (and I should; it took me over half an hour to make it)

I hope you'll enjoy! :)

Post #: 30

8/31/2008 9:51:05

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Lol, I love the new hippy-ish, psychadelic banner!

The song:

quote:

Jealousy of heart
Will cause my downfall.
Unless you make things hard
And make my girl cry, at last...

That third sentece is rubbish.

quote:

You're tearing me apart,
Piece by piece, now.
And you just leave me scarred,
But I don't mind now, at last...

These lyrics beg for sympathy. It's an outcry of how extremely bad the "I"-person is being treated.
Which is fine, just don't claim he/she doesn't mind. Unless you try to make this facade of apathy to hide the grief, in which case I must say you failed. That'd need way more attention.

I must sum this song up with the word Randomness.
Yes, the capital is fully intentional.
The emotion seems to just drift all over the place, as well as the meaning of the lyrics. Honestly, this may be one of your worst works ever.

Sorry for my harshness. Hope I helped.
Don't feel bad. You know what I think of you as a poet. At least this proofs I'm not just sucking up to you; I'm actually honest.

AQ	Post #: 31

8/31/2008 13:28:08

Arthur The Brave One
Member

Oh well, I tried :P I think I'm going to put a note with it: -warning: due to extreme randomness, this "song" should not be read by anyone-. But really, was it that bad? Too bad... ;_;

EDIT: I hath tried fixing it, to reduce the randomness :D (not sure if I succeeded, though)

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 8/31/2008 13:38:30 >

Post #: 32

9/6/2008 15:15:16

Arthur The Brave One
Member

New: Shattered Ignorance. Written on a whim ;) Hope you enjoy! :D

Post #: 33

9/14/2008 6:17:18

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

I didn't comment on this yet! I AM A FAILURE!

Ehm, anywho. Here I am anyway, this time on shop request.

Shattered Ignorance:

quote:

Perhaps I've become

I feel "I have become" may actually benefit the flow here.

Like it. *applauds* Nice and deep. Nice word choice everywhere; good.

The song, revisited:
Sorry, still feel the same.
Maybe you should get someone else to check it out, get a second opinion. You know, I'm just one guy.

Well, I'm all caught up again. Phew!
I'll pm my "biggest fans" on my recent inactivaty. 'Cause it's no one else's business, and because no one else really cares, anyways.

AQ	Post #: 34

9/14/2008 13:24:00

Firefly
Lore-ian

Justin, I'm waiting for that PM.

Okay, poor dude. Justin's pretty blunt... Umm, I guess I'll take a look at it...

quote:

Whithout you I feel lonely -

"without" And it's typoed through every chorus, btw. I think you copy pasted, right?

quote:

Perhaps I'm just a phony,

Don't ask me why. I dunno. But this rhyme feels... forced... I dunno why. It makes sense, but it's just forced.

quote:

And you just leave me scarred,

Eh, the word choice is rather... informal. I don't like it. Take it out, or, go as far as changing this line to something like "Leaving me scarred" if you want to go the extra mile of trimming it...

quote:

And yet I won't betray,

You won't betray /what/? Don't sacrifice meaning for rhyme...

quote:

Aggressivity

Sorry to tell you this, but that's not a word. =P Again, don't sacrifice meaning for rhyme. This form of "aggressive" is actually "aggressiveness." You should change this to something that means similar to aggressiveness but has the -ity. I don't really have any suggestions on the top of my head. Gah, I can't think of anything! You do it; you're smarter than me. =P

quote:

At the brink of death.

Might be just the way I talk, but imo, "on" fits better.

quote:

Won't drop a sinlge tear

"single"
Hmm, drop... It's... fresh. Not trite. "shed" is the more commonly used word here. It might be better, since it's more "real" but drop is more unique... Your call.

Okay, um...

I won't disagree with Justin's accessment that the emotion drifts all over the place at times and it's a bit... random. For example, the opening stanza's meaning isn't very clear. Eg, "superiority" in who? It didn't seem... concrete enough at the start. The rhyme is also a bit forced at times.

BUT

It doesn't suck. While it does take a careful read, it /is/ the decipherable. It got better and better as it went. The transition wasn't bad either. I really enjoyed it. The ending was quite powerful, and I liked the concept and emotions seeping out the end.

So, my advice, sort through the beginning with Justin's comments and my comments. It should be better once you make it start off more concrete. Otherwise, I thought it was quite an enjoyable piece.

AQ	Post #: 35

9/14/2008 17:31:18

Arthur The Brave One
Member

OMG, teh firefly commented on my poetry! *le gasp!*

Thanks for catching the without... and yes, I copy-pasted the chorus, as it is repeated quite a lot. (Damn it, now I'll have to correct that one a dozen times! D:)

phony: a fake something. I don't know how that'd be a forced rhyme, as it just means the subject of this song is having the feeling he is a ''fake' person'.... or something like that.

Aggresivity really isn't a word? Damn...

The general comments were the most helpfull ones, though. Now I think I might actually be able to make this song into something *insert word of choice here*.

Thanks a big bunch! :D

(I won't edit it all right now, it's 11.30 pm here... *yawns* Good night all!)

Post #: 36

9/14/2008 18:54:27

Firefly
Lore-ian

I know what phony means. It makes sense, I just didn't like it. I can't explain why. More likely, it's just me. There are certain rhymes I just don't like, period (eg. the life/strife rhyme). It's probably merely a pet peeve of mine.

AQ	Post #: 37

9/16/2008 10:10:49

Arthur The Brave One
Member

aaaaah... okay, my bad :)

As on aggressivity, here's a link to dictionary.com. It appears it's a word after all... lucky me! :D

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=aggressivity&r=66

Okay... I think I've fixed it up quite a bit. Lots and lots of thankies FF! :D

Also, I've written a new one: A Wondering Mind! I'm on a freeverse-roll :P

Post #: 38

9/16/2008 15:37:38

Firefly
Lore-ian

I view it as one of those things that weren't a word to begin with, but after many people started using it, it got recognized as a word. The technical noun form is aggression. ;) Maybe my spellcheck is outdated so it didn't recognize it since it wasn't recognized yet. I dunno.

AQ	Post #: 39

9/19/2008 10:56:49

Arthur The Brave One
Member

Mmmm.... I guess that's how it could've happened. Oh well :P

New: Approaching Darkness. The end of the elemental series is (finally) approaching! :)

Post #: 40

9/20/2008 18:01:15

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Yup. I was harsh. That's me. And blunt, and I gave my opinion. And I wouldn't want it any other way. And neither would you, admit it.
Sorry if you felt that at a personal level, though. That's never the point of my critiques. You know I love your work and am quite fond of you as well.

Call me tough for doing this, or call me lazy. You'd be right if you said the latter, but I don't care either way.;

Fix the link to your new poem. I'll read it after you did that. It now directs to your story's comments thread.

Which, by the way, I will not read. I'm busy. Etc. Etc. I meant to pm you about it. And then the pm got magically erased, blabla; the point of it was: I'm busy lately, so less writing and less critique.

Au revoir for now, my poetic friend.

AQ	Post #: 41

9/21/2008 4:13:39

Arthur The Brave One
Member

You know I never take comments at a personal level, and I know what you think of me as a poet, so don't worry :)

I fixed the link to the poem now. Too bad you're busy... I hope you will get some time later on in the week/month/year/millenium again :P

So indeed, goodbye for now ;)

/Arthur

Post #: 42

9/21/2008 7:14:05

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

-Later that millenium-

quote:

Darkness
Conceals all things hidden
All dark secrets and hate.

I don't like that word "dark" there since you use it as repetition intentionally a lot, and then this one just feels kinda weird. I think you could simply remove it and let that be the end of the matter, but you could also get some alternative. Or keep it. You tell me...

I like the whole poem, but the last three words. It's because you describe this darkness as hope-annihalating, heart-swallowing, and a product of ignorance.
Do the heart, mind and soul swallow the heart? Do they destroy hope only, and not create it in identical amounts at the same time? Do the heart, mind and soul spring from ignorance? I think not.
Otherwise: YAY! GOOD! *claps hands*

AQ	Post #: 43

9/22/2008 11:48:12

Arthur The Brave One
Member

Thanks for taking some time for critiquing me: it means a lot to me. Please, attempt to rhyme a bit once again, just so I can return the favor :P

Soooo..... in the end, I decided to 'kill off' the entire last paragraph, and end the poem... well, the paragraph before that one :P
Also, I agree on the dark from the quote being unnecessary, and thus it has been, err, 'politely asked to leave'. Ehem.

That's all, see ya later ;)

Post #: 44

10/1/2008 17:33:42

Arthur The Brave One
Member

New one: shimmer.

This one was made in my old style: writing whatever comes up into my head after thinking of a random, nice sounding title. And it ended with my signature word. Remember folks, Creation = Art.

Post #: 45

10/10/2008 15:21:00

Arthur The Brave One
Member

New: Dearly Beloved. Written to a song that really lets loose some emotion in me... so yeah :P Enjoy! :D

Post #: 46

10/12/2008 5:33:36

Arthur The Brave One
Member

New: A Couple of Haiku's About Leaving and Returning, just because I'm going away for a week ;)
The ones about 'returning' will come once I myself have returned :P
Later guys, leave a comment if you can! :)

Post #: 47

10/13/2008 16:37:22

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

I'm here because you mentioned 'haiku' somewhere... =P

*goes to butcher the Leaving part*

The first one.
Quite effective and also nice flowing thought across the first two lines. Also, the pause before the concluding thought on the last line fits the pacing. So: good job on that one!

The second one.
Now, this is most likely completely my personal preference, but I think that rhyming ing-end on the first and the second line acts like it's breaking the coherent structure of the haiku. This is maybe because the absolute majority of the times when the Japanese originals are translated to my language, there are no rhymes and the emphasis is based on displaying the philosophical thought and the flow of the idea. So, I get utterly confused with anything resembling rhymes in haikus... (feel free to take that as yours truly's personal problem) =P
Unfortunately, I can't really say which would be a better way to put your thought than those words you already picked. A suggestion would be to eradict that -ing from the second line by:
as autumn leaves quietly fall
Your call, of course!

The third one:
Beautiful first two lines: they roll out quite nicely, when said aloud. A minor technicality is that there seems to be 8 syllables on the second line (you can fix that easily by kicking off the 'own' if you choose to)
Imo, compared to the first two, the third line feels slightly bland as it is now. This is, again, a matter of preference and simplicity has indeed its benefits. My suggestion for that last line, would be:
Filling me with grief
'Grief' tends to sound a lot stronger than 'sad' to me
But, again, it's your call!

I hope I wasn't too intrusive, blunt or brutal with my comments/suggestions...

I admit, it's my weakness, haikus and tankas really get me going... =P

DF	Post #: 48

10/18/2008 9:11:17

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

All the latest stuff I've been rudely not commenting to:

Shimmer:
This is totally medling beyond how much I'm supposed to meddle, but here me out.

quote:

Trying
To stay alive

How about you change this one into "to safely drive"

quote:

Trying
To safely drive

And this one into "just to survive"

I liked it, though again it's got this mix of themes...

Dearly beloved:

quote:

To you and all those other

others?

quote:

The fear that you've went through

you went/ you've gone

Sorry, but it didn't quite touch me. Maybe it's the repetition, maybe it's the way emotion was put in it, I'm not sure. It just...it doesn't work for me.

About the Haiku's I'll shut up, for any word I speak of them will be solely proof of my ignorance on the topic compared Fabula.
Aka, she's said it all, no need to elaborate.
(except: Don't worry. Here's one person who's fine with rhyme in Haiku's)

AQ	Post #: 49

10/19/2008 9:20:57

Arthur The Brave One
Member

Fab: yay, thanks for the comment! :D now on the more... important stuff (:P):

First: thankies! ^.^

Second: Good catch, and I totally agree on that matter. I've got a problem with your fixing, though... "as(1) au(2)tumn(3) leaves(4) qui(5)et(6)ly(7) fall(8)". So, yeah :P I just made my own variation :)

Third: I'll have to disagree with the 8-syllable thing. "Scat(1)tered(2) through(3)out(4) my(5) own(6) house(7)". On the other matter, I've decided to shamelessly copy your suggestion :P

Thanks again for the help! :)

Justin:
Hmmm.... agreed and taken. That means all of them. Glad to see your comments again :D

Post #: 50

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