Shreder
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Haha I like it. I knew what it was about pretty quickly, mainly because I wrote a poem with a similar idea behind it. I didn't find any typos or major grammatical mistakes, but I do have a couple of things I would like to mention:
quote:
I poise myself as quietly as I can, holding every part of my body as perfectly still as I can. Muscles tense, ready to jump at the first moment that I can.
To me, the triple repetition of the words "I can" seems a little bit awkward. I'm not sure if this repetition was intentional or not, but personally I would suggest some changes. Perhaps: "I poise myself as quietly as I can, holding every part of my body as still as possible. Muscles tense, ready to jump at any moment." Note that I also took out the word "perfectly." I feel that it makes the sentence feel cumbersome.
quote:
As I get to a place that I feel is safe, in this jungle, I stop to wash myself.
Personally, I think that "in this jungle"placed where it is just doesn't sound right. Perhaps: "As I get to a place in this jungle that I feel is safe, I stop to wash myself."
quote:
I see an area of drinkable water.
To me, "an area" of water would indicate a puddle or a spill, not water in a bowl as I assume you meant here. Perhaps change the "area" to a "pool" or some other equivalent, to better represent your intended meaning.
quote:
I begin to nap, gaining as much energy as I can before they come back to the area I am located at.
Again it's nitpicking, but I think that: "the area I am located at" is a little awkward. Maybe try: "I begin to nap, gaining as much energy as I can before they come back to the area where I am located."
quote:
I feel the ground vibrate as they begin to enter into my safe haven, I bolt behind one of the many objects located on the ground level.
"Begin to enter"? Why not just "enter?" I understand that often people do not use enough words to fully describe what they are writing about when they write, but (No offense intended.) perhaps you tend too far in the other direction. Or maybe it's just me. I don't know.
quote:
I feel they are towards me, but I continue to hide where I have put myself.
"I feel they are towards me"? I think you meant: "I feel they are coming towards me." 
quote:
I feel my adrenaline begin to take effect on my body and my senses.
Similar to my first suggestion, I think this sentence has to many of the same words. Namely, "my." Perhaps eliminate two of them, making it something like: "I feel the adrenaline begin to take effect on my body and senses."
quote:
I make my way and corner myself in. Hoping that they won't be able to come from behind.
Two things. Firstly, "corner myself in" just doesn't sound right to me. Secondly, I think it would be better for grammatical correctness if these two sentences were combined, as the second sounds suspiciously like a fragment to me. Perhaps: "I back into a corner, so that they cannot come at me from behind."
quote:
The creatures moves me down the corridor I was in before, we reach the end of it, and this thing sits on one of the structures I was hiding behind before.
Three things this time. Firstly, you again have a perhaps overly repeated word, this time "before." Secondly, "the creatures moves me down the corridor." "Moves"? Wouldn't "carries" make much more sense? And thirdly, if you use the word "creatures", which is plural, then "moves (or carries or any other verb used here) needs to be single: "move (carry.) So: "The creature/s carry/ies me down the corridor I was in before, we reach the end of it, and this thing sits on one of the structure I was hiding behind earlier.
And that's all. I'll check back when you have more posted.
< Message edited by shreder110 -- 2/13/2010 1:45:45 >
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