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RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: My Goddess

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5/12/2009 20:03:35   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 I'm in a fairly good mood today (hope I don't jinx myself when I say that 'cause my days tend to turn sour right after I say they're good) so I'm feeling the motivation to drop down to your thread. "My Goddess" is quite cool. A sweet, traditional take on a love poem, but still wonderful due to a) the wonderful imagery in the first stanza as you noted and b) the repetitional struction that adds power. My only objection is your use of semicolons. There seems to be no grammatical reason for them to be there. Most of the time, where you use a semicolon should actually contain a colon instead. Semicolons are only for independent clauses, and while I think you can bend the rules for poetry, I dunno why you are so unwilling to use the poor colon. Anyways, suggestions of punctuation changes in bold. You'll have to look pretty carefully and compare with the original since the bold doesn't seem to be showing up as well as I'd like, but anyhow, I think you can spot them. Just look wherever there's a semicolon.

quote:

In her eyes
I see the stars,
Which I shall reap like apples
And give to her:
My goddess.

In her smile
I see a brisk spring morning.
Beauty undisturbed,
That is she:
My goddess.

In her embrace
I feel invincible; (Yes, I left this semicolon alone because I feel that it belongs. "In her embrace I feel invincible; not even God can touch me when I'm with her: my goddess" See? Independent clauses both before /and/ after the semicolon. That's the only time it should be used)
Not even God can touch me
Whenever I'm with her: (changed to "when" since you use "whenever" in the next paragraph. A bit repetitive)
My goddess.

And whenever I just sit next to her
Hand in hand, our hearts as one,
I am truly happy, (comma here is unnecessary. "I am truly happy with her" No comma)
With her:
My goddess.


PS: You have a typo in the first post. One of your poems had the word "blasphemy" in it and you spelled it "blashpemy" Or something like that.

EDIT: I claim this page for all the fiery insects of this world. Page-claiming is not allowed. - Cow Face

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 6/3/2009 14:27:09 >
AQ  Post #: 76
5/13/2009 7:13:14   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 Arghh, Firefly keeps beating me to critqueing stuff when I decide to be lazy for a while...

Anywho, here goes nothing:

quote:

That is she;

I use grammar mainly instinctively, so I may be wrong here, but I think it's that is her. Either way, that would sound better, IMO

Further, I dare disagreeing with pyro here, in the last comma she felt unnecesary. Of course she was right, but I think in this patrticular case you did bend the rules well, creating a very good pause.

Gtg back to class. I'll edit some more in later maybe. If you post before I do so, I'll pm you saying I did. Or maybe I won't. you'll see...

EDIT:
(Yeah, I did do it. Yay for me)
The poem reminded me of the song My Goddess by these guys called the Exies. Thanks for helping me rediscover it :P
I disagree with you on the stanza's deteriorating, by the way. Thought there may not be a BOOM! surprise ending, it totally works. Good stuff, Arthur, good stuff.

Cheers!

PS: Good luck on tackling that block!

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 5/13/2009 10:01:39 >
AQ  Post #: 77
5/13/2009 12:26:45   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Yay, two comments :D
Thanks you guys, I really appreciate it.
Sorry about the (semi-)colons: I tend confuse those two.
And I kept the comma in the last stanza, because, as Justin already said, it is there on purpose.
Thanks a lot guys, I'll get back to writing some stuff now :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 78
5/13/2009 19:10:17   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 "That is she" is correct. I was quite sure of this for a while, but this time, I actually bothered to check online for it. Well, found the answer in a grammar book, but the link is way too long and annoying to post here so you're just going to have to take my word for it. Something about neuter verbs and declinable pronouns that makes even my head ache, so it'll probably burn the eyes outta Justin (or any foreigner) so I better leave it off. =P I think it's something about "is she" being an inversion of "she is" but I could be totally wrong. Anyway, never mind the why. "That is she" is correct.

Btw, according to this rule, "It is I" is correct and "It's me" is wrong. Funny, everyone says the latter and no one says the former.
AQ  Post #: 79
5/17/2009 3:43:52   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Thanks firefly, I had been looking for that a bit (only a bit, because I forgot about it later :P), because when first writing it, I initially felt that it should have been 'her'. However, something else in this brain of mine kept telling me it should be she (my brain is weird >.>) so in the end I just took she. Glad to see I was actually correct :D
So, thanks for going through the trouble of looking that up :)

Also, new one up: Blinded.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 80
5/17/2009 12:58:16   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 I try not to make a habit of this kind of thing, but this is a post just to make you aware that I read and enjoyed your latest poem.
AQ  Post #: 81
5/21/2009 5:24:05   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Breakdown is now up. Read, enjoy, comment, etc. :P

/Arthur.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 82
5/24/2009 7:57:56   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 Though I must say I'm pretty sure I missed your point, I still enjoyed it. So I guess it's all good, then ^^
AQ  Post #: 83
6/16/2009 9:37:24   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Sorry for the late reply >.>
I've been gaming too much for the past few weeks, so poetry was kind of suspended for that time ^_^;
Fret not, however, as I have actually written something :D
Here it is: A piece of mind
And yes, you'll probably all just find it to be a huge heap of crap, but hey, it's my heap of crap :P

/Arthur
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 84
6/23/2009 13:31:53   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

I am highly disturbed by my newest creation o_o
New: Parodoxological
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 85
7/1/2009 11:55:07   
PoeticSpanner
Member

Not good at CC&C, but meh

You seem to have a good handle on the English language. Maybe better than I, and its my first one O.o
Maybe its cause I have a little problem with depression, but I liked the newest by you.

Keep on poetin'

~Spanner
Post #: 86
7/1/2009 15:32:43   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Lol :P
Anyway, I´m glad you liked it :D
Don´t worry, everyone´s a little depressed sometimes *patpat*
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 87
7/2/2009 15:44:12   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

New: Fade Away
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 88
7/6/2009 14:52:17   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

New one up: Bleed
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 89
7/6/2009 16:11:40   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hello!

So I read the three newest ones and hereby offer some comments, or rather, my personal opinions.

Paradoxological had absolutely impressive imagery, which, imho, was its best side. I was slightly troubled by the choppiness of the lines towards the end of the poem, though. You see, there is flow and continuity, eg, in the second stanza, contrasting the last lines that are pretty separate flow-wise. The contents do held it together.

Fade Away has intriguing mood, sort of overwhelming distorted ambience. Although, I have to admit I'm quite at loss with the meaning...

Also, is there a contradiction here:
quote:

I'm fading away
Into you and all the others
I beg to differ
I'll walk alone

How does fading into others make the narrator of the poem walk alone?

Bleed is my favourite of the bunch. I think your rhymes blend in together very well: they are not forced but flowing. You've created an enchanting yet ominous mood that holds and grows through the poem. My only little chimp to the shoulder =P was this stanza:
quote:

They will bleed
For their greed.
We will take back
What was ours.

where the last two lines seem a little off because they are slightly choppier than anything else in the poem.

I have a feeble suggestion, but I fear it might mess up your syllable-scheme. Anyways:
"They will bleed
For their greed.
We'll regain
What's in our name."

How does that sound to you?

DF  Post #: 90
7/12/2009 17:48:57   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

OMGYAY =D
I gotz a comment :3
*cough*
Well, as I said: fabula, thanks for the comment. I hope you know I appreciate it :)

Paradoxological: Hmm... I guess you have a point there. But it's a poem I don't really feel like changing, because, to me, the fact that it utterly disturbs me is its greatest power, and therefore I don't really dare touch it >_>
Its kinda beyond me, really.

Fade Away: I'm sorry you couldn't figure out the meaning behind the poem, that might be because I do not write with an intended meaning in my poetry. It just sort of... flows out, if you know what I mean.
Also, the contradiction was on purpose (I guess :P), because its like this:

quote:


I'm fading away
Into you and all the others
<Woah, BAM! Wait a sec!>
I beg to differ
I'll walk alone


But if you feel it doesn't quite work, I'll be happy to take another look at it :)

Bleed: I reread it and immediately understood what you meant, and seeing as I wasn't really using a syllable-scheme anyway, I took your suggestion, as it was practically saying the same, but flowed better. Thanks for that one :)

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 7/12/2009 17:49:28 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 91
7/12/2009 18:20:27   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

o_O you took my suggestion? I'm flattered, you're welcome, etc. =P

Oh, I see now what you were aiming at with those lines in Fade Away. I guess I was just confused as often that kind of 'mood-swing' / 'change-of-mind' is spoon-fed to the reader by putting a stanza-break in between the changing lines. Not that you need one, though.

And don't worry, as a rule I'm not forcing any changes. (Not that I even gave you any solid suggestions, either... *hides*) I understand that some pieces are personal that way - like Paradoxological to you.
DF  Post #: 92
7/16/2009 13:44:25   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

New one up: Time To Hunt

Also, I changed the title to better represent the poetry I'm currently writing. Or that's the way I feel it, at least.

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 7/16/2009 15:04:54 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 93
9/5/2009 12:36:08   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Hey, guess what, I actually haven't died :D
Still busy IRL and everything, so updates will be few and far between >_>
I'm starting to feel my poetic well has pretty much dried up TT_TT
New one up, forgot to say so in the original xD

< Message edited by Arthur The Brave One -- 9/5/2009 17:05:22 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 94
1/19/2010 17:05:35   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Well, my poetic well hasn't dried up it seems, I just don't really hang out here anymore xD
If you feel like it, you can now also find me on http://arthurthebraveone.deviantart.com/ :)
New one up: Won't Die Tonight.
Let me hear some opinions, people! :P
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 95
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