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6/30/2008 2:00:42   
mastin2
Member

No one knows just how they got there; they just know they are there with virtually zero memories of their past. In this maze with no apparent exit that only seems to go deeper and deeper, there is one goal: live. People have been driven insane, as not a soul in there may maintain that mythical feeling at all times. This maze shall forever haunt those within, as the futile search for a way to end this besides death is started...



As explained in the thread, this is a special treat for any who wish to critique me. Normally, Maze of Survival would be in my grand comment thread, containing all my works 'cept for Disease and Plague. But today, I am posting it here for all to view!


Maze of Survival




I am thinking of renaming that to be 'Maze of Insanity', since it is more accurate. I highly recommend this work as it is perhaps my greatest feat so far. Also, when finished, I will probably make a sequel. I shall say no more.



Enjoy!

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/30/2008 2:03:27 >
Post #: 1
6/30/2008 2:09:41   
mastin2
Member

Alright, let me say this: My work is far from perfect. I lost the critiques in the purge, and this is actually a slightly older version of the prologue. So, quite frankly, there are errors which I may have fixed which are now...unfixed. There could be TWO typos in the prologue alone. I am also reasonably sure (The typos are about 50%...this statement is somewhere around 80%) that there are several uncorrected mistakes in there as well. And chapter one--when I rerelease it--oh, I dread how many errors are uncorrected in there. I know they exist. I just can't find 'em. So, I am starting a 'mistake hunt'.

Typo List

I will list the number of typos caught here to show how much I have improved. I will also include who caught them.

strait~~~straight|Recar Dragonlance--Now I can get five minutes of extra sleep! Thanks! :)




Other Things to Fix:

These are things that are considered mistakes that are caught. It is also to show how much I have improved.





I am leaving out, however, things that I do not consider mistakes, but rather things that could use improvement.


Anyway, Happy Hunting!

-M

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 7/3/2008 1:11:38 >
Post #: 2
6/30/2008 23:59:24   
  Master Samak

Productive!
Fallen Leprechaun of L&L


Mastin...Mijarna...hmm...
AQ DF  Post #: 3
7/2/2008 17:23:45   
Recar Dragonlance
Member

Hey mastin! Never read anything of your's before, though I really should have AGES ago since I always looked at your uber comment thread to see what you had done...Anyway, here you go:

quote:

He canít smell, he canít hear, he canít talk, he canít taste, nor can he even feel.


Stylistic opinion (or SO ): I would repeat the "can't" since I think it works quite well. The way you've ended doesn't seem to make as much impact imo then if you had another can't.

quote:

I am so disoriented, he thinks to himself, barely even able to manage the thought.


If you were completely disoriented, I don't think you would say you were disoriented. Put yourself in this characters shoes, what would you say if you were disoriented? I personally would be like "What the hell is going on? Where am I?"

quote:

The previously cold air turns warm, his skinís hairs lowering.


I don't think I do it anymore, but I know I did. Some of your sentences are like this: "The grass is green, the sky is blue." Two sentences that aren't really connected you've put together with a comma...You probably need to learn to weed them out (like I am lol).

quote:

He stumbles greatly, leaning against the metallic wall to regain his support.


Firstly, can you get rid of that adverb please? Use another one which is better...Secondly, the comma thing I stated above is sort of included in this one...To get around it, just remove the comma and put a word like "before"...or something else...

quote:

My breathing is heavy. I can hear my heart pounding from this confusion. I donít remember how I got here, nor anything from outside. And that worries me.


Again, people don't actually think like this. I understand that if this person is a warrior type person and is trained to analyse strange situations like this, his thoughts will still be a blur...He's stuck in a place and has no idea where it is! I think your just trying to tell us some more information, but you can just drop it in subtly. While some action is taking place, put it on the end of a sentence like "He walked forward, his breathing heavy with his heart pounding in his chest." For the second half of that thought, don't tell us that he is worried, show this in the way he thinks. To me, he's been way too confident for someone who has been dropped off somewhere, on the verge of death. Make his thoughts more urgent, actually make him panic.

quote:

ventilationsófor some odd reason, the memory just pops inóare not known to be able to fit people in well.


Instead of dashes, I think brackets would be more appropriate. Also, it varies the punctuation a bit more.

quote:

And mazesóanother random memory popping into his headóare notorious for hiding terrible secrets.


Brackets again. Also, are they? Oh right, minotaurs and that...Erm, aren't they more notorious for getting you lost. That way you can make the audience more excited (or tense, or sad or whatever) when something big comes out and scares them.

quote:

Where ever I am, I doubt I want to be here.


A person won't say that. That thought won't cross their mind...my advice is to listen to your friends speak more, as well as your parents and their friends or any adults...you will eventually pick up how they speak and use that in your writing...

quote:

With nothing better to do, he starts moving forward.


Too...erm...informal, maybe, for what's going on. Something like "With no other real options, he starts moving forward."

quote:

The beads start to drop, cooling his body from non-existent heat; the sweat is from fear.


Take that out. You shouldn't tell us and you have already shown us that he's scared through his heartbeat etc. Also, we figured he's scared, since he's in a maze on his own and he can't remember anything...

quote:

Writing? I guess I am not the only one to have been here. That is both comforting and worrying.


When your angry, how many times have you thought: "I am angry." ? Take it out and put the information somewhere else...like after the thought...

quote:

The black text shows some signs of fear, represented by the messy curves.


Put the second half of the sentence in front of the first half....like: "The messy curves of the black text shows some signs of fear."

quote:

He looks strait for a good few seconds; the same passageway he had set forth for remains there


Yay I found a typo in the typo masters work!

quote:

Same here; that wall has nothing.


This man appears to have the patience of a saint. He is stuck in a maze, with no memory, he's barely alive and he can't go down one right turn! Wouldn't everyone just be so unbelievably if that was them!

quote:

So, I really face my end, donít I? This sucks...


No one would ever say that if they thought they were dying. In fact, if he was hit on the head, he wouldn't actually think much...

You're story is good, you just have style pointers to sort out (which everyone goes through, I've got billions of style things to go through). You were brave to go with the present tense...imo I would have gone with past, since it can be more affective then present...but Yay for being different! Have fun picking out the good bits from the bad bits in my long rambling!

_____________________________

DF  Post #: 4
7/3/2008 1:07:30   
mastin2
Member

Thank you! I really appreciate it! (You read through the entire comment thread?)

1: Agreed with the first. It does sound better...

2: Hmm...I suppose you are right. However, he may say it if he said other things as well...

3: Actually, those two are related. The change in temperature effects his skin.

4: I may make those changes. I actually kinda like it as it is, though...

5:
spoiler:

I understand that if this person is a warrior type person and is trained to analyse strange situations like this, his thoughts

Le gasp! You aren't supposed to know that for a while...

Anyway, this is a little hard to explain--for one thing, I never thought of it that much.

To me, he's been way too confident for someone who has been dropped off somewhere, on the verge of death. Make his thoughts more urgent, actually make him panic.

I will try to add more panic, but his past experience (which you're not supposed to know about) helps him a little.
But I will do what I can about it...

6: Nah, brackets I only do in first person, most of the time. Hyphens are a style thing to me.

luckynumber: See above. As for the maze...might change that.

8: I've seen people speak like that all the time. And I would think that thought if those surroundings were around me. Maybe it's just my twisted mind--but I would definitely be thinking that. I'll keep it as it is.

9: Wow. That IS better! *Changing*

10: I suppose you're right. It is unnecessary.

11: ...Surprisingly enough, fairly often. When I'm angry, I generally think 'Oh, *MIC*! I'm angry. Calm down, Mastin, calm down...' I'll modify that, but I think I'll keep it.

12: The order switch does seem like a good idea! Thanks!

unluckynumber: YES! YOU FOUND IT!!! I KNEW that I had forgotten to correct one of those SOMEWHERE! :D (Never seen a person so happy that you found a typo, eh?) Fixing! Thanks for catching that error! I have actually lost (about five minutes) some sleep, knowing that typo was there...

14: His patience will probably be something I need to work on. But, still.
spoiler:

His past helps him a little. What his past is is too large of a spoiler for spoiler tags...


15: He isn't thinking straight right there. It was kinda my way of balancing things out--a thought he would normally not have instead of his normal thought because he was hit on the head.

As for style issues: Meh, everyone has their opinion. Opinions are opinions, so one can never truly have a perfect style. Likewise, every author is constantly evolving their own style. I think that every author in the world who continues writing never ceases to change their style.

Oh, and present tense is just what I do best--Every story I write in present tense tends to have less tense errors. (When I do past tense, I have more present tense errors.) Out of all my stories, I think only one or two (You: And there are FIFTY of them?
Me: Actually, Sixty.) of them are in full-time past tense. Of course, many start out/have little bits of past tense. But they almost always are present. I dunno why. It's just what I've done since my second story. But maybe I was just effected by here--most are past, so I might've subconsciously chose to be different. (But by the time I had come here, I already had several stories. So those cannot be explained. Maybe because my first story in past tense had some unfortunate history and wasn't good in comparison to what I was writing? I dunno.)

Mastin has rambled. For your help, there will be no fee at the counter. Feel free to come back any time!
Post #: 5
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