Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy
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Comment Thread Characters: Mr. Johnson - Young man, wearing business suit. Has a lopsided grin on his face most of the time; very mussed-up hair. Bartender - Can be either male or female. Older person, or at least middle-aged. Wears relatively nice clothes. Wiping a glass clean with a rag. David Smith: Old Southern man. Wears a rumpled, but nice, outfit. Husband to Mary Smith. Mary Smith: Old Southern woman. Wears a rumpled, but nice, dress. Wife to David Smith. Chief - A older man in an immaculate suit. Joe Evans - Man in overalls and plaid shirt. Should be the fast-talking sort. Madame Kuckie (pronounced "Kooky") - Woman dressed up like a fortune-teller. Speaks with a Bronx (Brooklyn) accent. Professor Williams - Very old man dressed like a college professor. Acts quite stern. Stephens: Normal person, dressed in average clothing. Extras: Drivers Pub patrons ACT I SCENE I [Open curtain. Scene is a bustling highway, which is jammed with cars. A beaten-up, rusty coupe is in the middle of it all; a man in a suit, Mr. Johnson, is standing on top of it. Others are gathered around in various cars, leaning out of their windows and shouting at him.] MR. JOHNSON: Could anyone please tell me which way it is to Littleton? DRIVER: [Angrily] Get off the road, you idiot! JOHNSON: Come now, all I need to know is how to get to the city of Littleton! DRIVER 2: [Panicked] What're you doing!? You nearly killed us all! JOHNSON: But... But... I just need to get to town! DRIVER: Well, get off the road! DRIVER 3: Yeah, get off! [Johnson sputters, then opens his car door and walks off-stage.] DRIVER: [Calling to off-stage] Hey! Hey! What about your car!? You...! Never mind... END OF SCENE 1 ACT I SCENE II [Scene is a small pub. Patrons are sitting around tables, chatting. Johnson is speaking with the bartender.] BARTENDER: You say you want to see Mister and Missis Smith? What for, you their grandson or something? JOHNSON: Oh, no. I'm Mr. Johnson, County Taxman. They're very late on their taxes, and I need to speak with them. BARTENDER: Well, old Dave's usually out hunting in the woods, or tinkering in his garage. Mary's usually in the kitchen cooking. They're your typical old couple. JOHNSON: Well, thank you very much. I guess I'll just- BARTENDER: Oh, something you should know. Don't walk too quickly up to their porch. Mary might think you're a burglar, and sick the dogs on you. JOHNSON: [Gulps] D-d-d-dogs? BARTENDER: Oh, sure! Lessee now, they've got two Dobermans, a Shepherd, three Boxers, a pit bull, and some Rottweilers. JOHNSON: I... I see. Well, I, uh, guess I'll just go, then. BARTENDER: Wait, I'm not finished. They've also got a Chow, some Great Pyrenees, and a Bordeaux Mastiff. JOHNSON: [Nervously] Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Is... there anything else I should know about? BARTENDER: They also have a Bichon Frise. Hey, are you alright? [Johnson faints. Close curtain.] [Scene is a small backyard; assorted junk litters the yard. Open curtain. Johnson enters from stage left.] JOHNSON: What an odd assortment of... antiques these people have. [Sound of a gunshot is heard.] JOHNSON: [Very frightened] What was that!? [David Smith enters from stage right.] DAVID SMITH: Gall durn it, I thought you was a quail. JOHNSON: You thought I was a what? DAVID: A quail! You know... [David imitates a quail.] Like that! JOHNSON: Oh. I see. Well, at least you didn't hit me. MARY SMITH: [From off-stage] Oh! A robber! DAVID: No, Mary, it's- [Sound of many dogs barking angrily.] [David exits Stage Left] DAVID: [Off-stage] Back! Back, you good-for-nothing varmints! [David returns. Mary Smith enters, stage right.] MARY: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a robber. JOHNSON: [To himself.] First, a quail, then a robber. [Aloud] Pleased to meet you. My name is Johnson. Mr. Johnson, County Taxman. I presume you are Mr. and Mrs. Smith? DAVID: Yup. I'm David, and she's Mary. JOHNSON: So it would seem. I'm afraid that you're very late on your taxes, and- MARY: Oh, no. We're not late, the county's late. JOHNSON: Er... What? DAVID: That's right. See, we can't pay our taxes right now. MARY: We need that one form. DAVID: Yep, we need an X-1032Z. We asked for one a while back, an' the county never gave us one. JOHNSON: An X-1032Z? I've never heard of that. MARY: You look young, have you been a taxman long? JOHNSON: No, I only started a week ago. DAVID: Well, there you go. We need an X-1032Z so we can fill out our V-234121. MARY: And after that, we have to send them that 103-G that they need. JOHNSON: [Confused] Wait, I've never heard of any of those! Are you sure that- DAVID: [Interrupting] And once we've sent in all of those, we have to wait a few months for the county to send us a 42-A, a 42-B, and a 42-C. MARY: Yep, then we fill those out, and send them in, and they send us back our X-1032Z. JOHNSON: I've never heard of any of this! And the process is simply ridiculous! DAVID: That's a burro-ocrazy for you. JOHNSON: That's a what for who? MARY: It's a form of government using bureau drawers, I think. JOHNSON: Never mind that. Who told you all of this? DAVID and MARY [Together]: The old taxman! [Johnson pulls out a cell phone and dials.] Hello, chief? It's Johnson, sir. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Yes, sir! I have a question, sir. I need an X-1032Z, a V-234121, and a 42-A, B, and C. I know you haven't heard of those, sir. No sir, I like my job very much, sir. No, sir, I don't like the idea of living on the streets. Yes, sir, I'll stop acting like an idiot right away, sir. Good-bye, sir. [Johnson hangs up the phone.] DAVID: Well, sounds like you got that settled right quick. JOHNSON: It... It does? But the chief said that he'd never heard of an X-1032Z, V-234121, or any of the 42s! MARY: They must have changed them, then. Why don't you head up to the county tax office, dear? I'm sure they can settle that right away. [Johnson nods, begins to walk off, then turns back around.] JOHNSON: Wait, I'm from the county tax office! DAVID: Then can you fix our problem? See, we need an X-1032Z so that we can... JOHNSON: You already told me that! MARY: Then can you fix our problem? JOHNSON: What problem!? DAVID: We need to get an X-1032Z. Talk to the folks up at the county tax office about it. [Johnson nods, begins to walk off again, then gives a shout of distress and runs back to the Smiths.] JOHNSON: [Distressed] No! I'm from the county tax office!! DAVID: Then, can you fix our problem? JOHNSON: Yes! Wait, no! Wait, yes! I... I... Ack! [Johnson runs off-stage, screaming in confusion.] MARY: He was a nice boy, wasn't he? DAVID: Yup. He was a nice boy. MARY: Almost a shame we had to run him off like the old taxman. He was a nice boy, too. DAVID: Yup. They say he's doing right well now, his therapy sessions are doin' a whole bunch better. MARY: He was a nice boy. [Close curtain.] END OF SCENE II
< Message edited by Cow Face -- 11/3/2008 12:13:22 >
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