Mr. Johnson, County Taxman


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Mr. Johnson, County Taxman

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7/4/2008 15:32:56

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Comment Thread

Characters:
Mr. Johnson - Young man, wearing business suit. Has a lopsided grin on his face most of the time; very mussed-up hair.
Bartender - Can be either male or female. Older person, or at least middle-aged. Wears relatively nice clothes. Wiping a glass clean with a rag.
David Smith: Old Southern man. Wears a rumpled, but nice, outfit. Husband to Mary Smith.
Mary Smith: Old Southern woman. Wears a rumpled, but nice, dress. Wife to David Smith.
Chief - A older man in an immaculate suit.
Joe Evans - Man in overalls and plaid shirt. Should be the fast-talking sort.
Madame Kuckie (pronounced "Kooky") - Woman dressed up like a fortune-teller. Speaks with a Bronx (Brooklyn) accent.
Professor Williams - Very old man dressed like a college professor. Acts quite stern.
Stephens: Normal person, dressed in average clothing.

Extras:
Drivers
Pub patrons

ACT I
SCENE I

[Open curtain. Scene is a bustling highway, which is jammed with cars. A beaten-up, rusty coupe is in the middle of it all; a man in a suit, Mr. Johnson, is standing on top of it. Others are gathered around in various cars, leaning out of their windows and shouting at him.]

MR. JOHNSON: Could anyone please tell me which way it is to Littleton?
DRIVER: [Angrily] Get off the road, you idiot!
JOHNSON: Come now, all I need to know is how to get to the city of Littleton!
DRIVER 2: [Panicked] What're you doing!? You nearly killed us all!
JOHNSON: But... But... I just need to get to town!
DRIVER: Well, get off the road!
DRIVER 3: Yeah, get off!
[Johnson sputters, then opens his car door and walks off-stage.]
DRIVER: [Calling to off-stage] Hey! Hey! What about your car!? You...! Never mind...
END OF SCENE 1

ACT I
SCENE II

[Scene is a small pub. Patrons are sitting around tables, chatting. Johnson is speaking with the bartender.]

BARTENDER: You say you want to see Mister and Missis Smith? What for, you their grandson or something?
JOHNSON: Oh, no. I'm Mr. Johnson, County Taxman. They're very late on their taxes, and I need to speak with them.
BARTENDER: Well, old Dave's usually out hunting in the woods, or tinkering in his garage. Mary's usually in the kitchen cooking. They're your typical old couple.
JOHNSON: Well, thank you very much. I guess I'll just-
BARTENDER: Oh, something you should know. Don't walk too quickly up to their porch. Mary might think you're a burglar, and sick the dogs on you.
JOHNSON: [Gulps] D-d-d-dogs?
BARTENDER: Oh, sure! Lessee now, they've got two Dobermans, a Shepherd, three Boxers, a pit bull, and some Rottweilers.
JOHNSON: I... I see. Well, I, uh, guess I'll just go, then.
BARTENDER: Wait, I'm not finished. They've also got a Chow, some Great Pyrenees, and a Bordeaux Mastiff.
JOHNSON: [Nervously] Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Is... there anything else I should know about?
BARTENDER: They also have a Bichon Frise. Hey, are you alright?
[Johnson faints. Close curtain.]

[Scene is a small backyard; assorted junk litters the yard. Open curtain. Johnson enters from stage left.]
JOHNSON: What an odd assortment of... antiques these people have.
[Sound of a gunshot is heard.]
JOHNSON: [Very frightened] What was that!?
[David Smith enters from stage right.]
DAVID SMITH: Gall durn it, I thought you was a quail.
JOHNSON: You thought I was a what?
DAVID: A quail! You know... [David imitates a quail.] Like that!
JOHNSON: Oh. I see. Well, at least you didn't hit me.
MARY SMITH: [From off-stage] Oh! A robber!
DAVID: No, Mary, it's-
[Sound of many dogs barking angrily.]
[David exits Stage Left]
DAVID: [Off-stage] Back! Back, you good-for-nothing varmints!
[David returns. Mary Smith enters, stage right.]
MARY: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a robber.
JOHNSON: [To himself.] First, a quail, then a robber. [Aloud] Pleased to meet you. My name is Johnson. Mr. Johnson, County Taxman. I presume you are Mr. and Mrs. Smith?
DAVID: Yup. I'm David, and she's Mary.
JOHNSON: So it would seem. I'm afraid that you're very late on your taxes, and-
MARY: Oh, no. We're not late, the county's late.
JOHNSON: Er... What?
DAVID: That's right. See, we can't pay our taxes right now.
MARY: We need that one form.
DAVID: Yep, we need an X-1032Z. We asked for one a while back, an' the county never gave us one.
JOHNSON: An X-1032Z? I've never heard of that.
MARY: You look young, have you been a taxman long?
JOHNSON: No, I only started a week ago.
DAVID: Well, there you go. We need an X-1032Z so we can fill out our V-234121.
MARY: And after that, we have to send them that 103-G that they need.
JOHNSON: [Confused] Wait, I've never heard of any of those! Are you sure that-
DAVID: [Interrupting] And once we've sent in all of those, we have to wait a few months for the county to send us a 42-A, a 42-B, and a 42-C.
MARY: Yep, then we fill those out, and send them in, and they send us back our X-1032Z.
JOHNSON: I've never heard of any of this! And the process is simply ridiculous!
DAVID: That's a burro-ocrazy for you.
JOHNSON: That's a what for who?
MARY: It's a form of government using bureau drawers, I think.
JOHNSON: Never mind that. Who told you all of this?
DAVID and MARY [Together]: The old taxman!
[Johnson pulls out a cell phone and dials.] Hello, chief? It's Johnson, sir. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Yes, sir! I have a question, sir. I need an X-1032Z, a V-234121, and a 42-A, B, and C. I know you haven't heard of those, sir. No sir, I like my job very much, sir. No, sir, I don't like the idea of living on the streets. Yes, sir, I'll stop acting like an idiot right away, sir. Good-bye, sir. [Johnson hangs up the phone.]
DAVID: Well, sounds like you got that settled right quick.
JOHNSON: It... It does? But the chief said that he'd never heard of an X-1032Z, V-234121, or any of the 42s!
MARY: They must have changed them, then. Why don't you head up to the county tax office, dear? I'm sure they can settle that right away.
[Johnson nods, begins to walk off, then turns back around.]
JOHNSON: Wait, I'm from the county tax office!
DAVID: Then can you fix our problem? See, we need an X-1032Z so that we can...
JOHNSON: You already told me that!
MARY: Then can you fix our problem?
JOHNSON: What problem!?
DAVID: We need to get an X-1032Z. Talk to the folks up at the county tax office about it.
[Johnson nods, begins to walk off again, then gives a shout of distress and runs back to the Smiths.]
JOHNSON: [Distressed] No! I'm from the county tax office!!
DAVID: Then, can you fix our problem?
JOHNSON: Yes! Wait, no! Wait, yes! I... I... Ack!
[Johnson runs off-stage, screaming in confusion.]
MARY: He was a nice boy, wasn't he?
DAVID: Yup. He was a nice boy.
MARY: Almost a shame we had to run him off like the old taxman. He was a nice boy, too.
DAVID: Yup. They say he's doing right well now, his therapy sessions are doin' a whole bunch better.
MARY: He was a nice boy.
[Close curtain.]

END OF SCENE II

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 11/3/2008 12:13:22 >

Post #: 1

7/7/2008 11:31:23

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

ACT I
SCENE III

[Scene is a busy office. Chief is sitting at a desk, Johnson is standing in front of it. Open curtain.]

CHIEF: What was all that nonsense about an X-103-whatever?
JOHNSON: Well, Chief, I was just as confused as you. But they said that they needed the X-1032Z to fill out their-
CHIEF: Never mind that! Don't you know the county doesn't give you tax forms?
JOHNSON: But, the old taxman-
CHIEF: Never mind the old taxman, either! I want you to go back to that house, and find out why they haven't paid their taxes.
JOHNSON: Well, sir, I already found that out! See, they need this one form, it's...
CHIEF: Johnson?
JOHNSON: Yes, sir?
CHIEF: [Feigning patience] Haven't we gone through this enough?
JOHNSON: Yes, sir.
CHIEF: [Feigning patience] Very well. What did we find out?
JOHNSON: That the county doesn't give you tax forms?
CHIEF: Yes. So why are you telling me all of this AGAIN!?
JOHNSON: Because I'm inexperienced?
CHIEF: Because you're inept!! You're inexperienced, inept, incompetent, inane, insane, and instupid!
JOHNSON: Instupid, sir?
CHIEF: Instupid. What do you think of that?
JOHNSON: Oh, it's great, sir! Very imaginative!
CHIEF: Not that. I mean, what do you think of all the things I called you?
JOHNSON: It was... er... Very "in."
CHIEF: And what are you going to do about it?
JOHNSON: Try to be out?
CHIEF: If you keep saying things like that, you will be out! Outsourced, and out of a job! Now get out!
JOHNSON: Which one, sir?
CHIEF: What?
JOHNSON: You told me to get out. Which out do you want me to be?
CHIEF: Out of here!
[Chief throws a wad of paper at Johnson. Johnson exits.]

END OF SCENE III
END OF ACT I

Post #: 2

7/29/2008 15:14:45

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

ACT II
SCENE IV

[Scene is a respectable suburban home. The grass is well-cut, and there are a few trees placed tastefully around the yard. A white house with a blue door is the main object, Johnson is standing on the porch. Open curtain.]

JOHNSON: Well, this house looks nice enough! Not sure why they didn’t pay their taxes... Seems like whoever owns this would have enough money to pay their taxes. After all, if you buy an expensive house, you should have enough to... Oh.
[Johnson knocks on the door. Joe Evans opens the door.]
JOE EVANS: Hello?
JOHNSON: Hello, this is... Mr. Evans, isn’t it?
JOE: No, I’m Mr. Evans. Don’t you know your name?
JOHNSON: Er... yes. I was asking if this was Mr. Evans’ house.
JOE: That depends. Who’s asking?
JOHNSON: My name is Mr. Johnson, County Taxman-
JOE: [Interrupting.] Well, I’m afraid Mr. Evans isn’t here right now. This isn’t his house, either. He doesn’t live in this city. Check somewhere around Neptune!
[Joe closes the door. Johnson knocks again, Joe opens the door.]
JOE: Hello?
JOHNSON: Look, you have to pay your taxes!
JOE: Hey, that reminds me. Would you be interested in buying an automatic back scratcher? Just ten dollars!
JOHNSON: What? How did paying your taxes remind you of back scratchers?
JOE: Not the back scratching type, eh? Well then, we have this fine oven mitt for sale, just fifteen dollars, plus shipping and handling!
JOHNSON: Shipping and handling? But I’m right here!
JOE: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. Buy it now, and I’ll throw in the shipping and handling, free!
JOHNSON: Oh, okay! [He takes the oven mitt from Joe.]
JOE: Ah, wonderful! Fifteen dollars, please. [Johnson pays him.]
JOHNSON: Now then, about those taxes...
JOE: Say, you’re a really reminding type of guy. A man like you would want a spatula to go with that mitt, right?
JOHNSON: But... I don’t know how to cook.
JOE: That doesn’t matter one bit! That is, if you buy this brand-new cookbook! Just thirty-five dollars for the set.
JOHNSON: Alright, alright, I’ll take it. [He pays Joe, who hands him a book and a spatula.] Now, then, I really do need to speak to you about your taxes!
JOE: How much do I owe?
[Johnson looks at some papers, while Joe takes back the book.]
JOHNSON: Not much, really. Only one-hundred dollars, really.
JOE: Hmm. Tell me, is being a taxman a job that would make a man hungry?
JOHNSON: At times, I suppose.
JOE: Then how about purchasing this great new cookbook? Only fifty dollars!
JOHNSON: Fifty dollars!? What’s so special about that book?
JOE: I am glad you asked, sir. This book is imported from France! It’s... French. Yeah.
JOHNSON: Oh, I hear the French are good cooks. Look, if I buy that book, will you pay your taxes?
JOE: I sure will.
[Johnson sighs, and pays Joe, taking the book.]
JOHNSON: Wait, where’s that other book?
JOE: It’s a shame, sir. Gotta watch out; there are notorious book thieves everywhere. And here’s one-hundred dollars to pay my taxes! [He gives Johnson some money.]
JOHNSON: Thank you, sir. Say, you don‘t have any relatives named Haney, do you? You look familiar.
JOE: No, sir, don’t know any Haneys.
[Johnson turns to leave, walks away from the house, then slaps his forehead. He pulls out a cell phone and dials.]
JOHNSON: Hello, chief? You won’t believe it, but I just payed another man’s taxes...

END OF SCENE IV

Post #: 3

8/1/2008 15:12:03

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

ACT II
SCENE V

[Scene: A false wall separates Johnson and Madame Kuckie, giving the appearance that they are in two separate rooms. Kuckie’s room looks like the inside of a fortune-teller’s tent. Open curtain.]

JOHNSON: What have I done, O Lord, to deserve this? Couldn’t I have a normal person just once?
MADAME KUCKIE: You may enter, my child...
JOHNSON: [Under his breath] Hoo boy. [Aloud] Thank you, ma’am.
[Johnson opens a door in the “wall,” and enters the room Kuckie is in.]
KUCKIE: [Distantly] My child, have you come to have your fortune told?
JOHNSON: Not exactly...
KUCKIE: Would you like your palm read?
JOHNSON: No, I-
KUCKIE: Do you want to speak with the dead?
JOHNSON: No!
KUCKIE: [Impatiently] Then whaddaya want? I’m busy, kid.
JOHNSON: I’m Mr.-
KUCKIE: [Distantly] Wait, do not tell me! Madame Kuckie knows all... Your name, it starts with a T, doesn’t it?
JOHNSON: No, it doesn’t, I’m afraid.
KUCKIE: An “H,” then.
JOHNSON: No, not quite.
KUCKIE: Shoot! [Snaps her fingers angrily.] Alright, what’s your name?
JOHNSON: I am Mr. Johnson, County Taxman. Apparently, you’re a bit overdue. I’d like to-
KUCKIE: Say, how about having your fortune read?
JOHNSON: [Chuckling, embarrassed] Oh, I don’t know, ma’am. I’m rather busy.
KUCKIE: Nonsense! Sit down.
JOHNSON: Really, I don’t-
KUCKIE: SIT DOWN! [Johnson sits down.] Now then, give me your palm.
[Johnson gives her his hand, and she looks into a crystal ball.]
KUCKIE: Yes... Yes... Yes! I see it!
JOHNSON: [Excitedly] What, what is it?
KUCKIE: It’s gone.
JOHNSON: Oh. Um, I need to speak to you about your taxes.
KUCKIE: [In her normal voice] Just a minute! You young people have no patience.
JOHNSON: Young? You don’t look much older than me.
KUCKIE: Yeah, but I have centuries of wisdom.
JOHNSON: Uh, yeah... Anyway, about those taxes.
KUCKIE: Wait, I see it again!
JOHNSON: [Excited] What!?
KUCKIE: [Smacks Johnson’s hand.] Oh, you need to be quiet! It’s gone again!
JOHNSON: Look, miss-
KUCKIE: It’s not Miss, it’s Madame Kuckie!
JOHNSON: [Exasperatedly] You’re kooky, alright! Now let me tell you about your taxes!
KUCKIE: I see it again! Now, be very quiet. Are you being quiet? Good. I see... How much do I owe?
JOHNSON: Quite a bit, ma’am, if you’d let me get to it!
KUCKIE: I see something very dark! A terrible evil is coming your way!
JOHNSON: [Nervously] It... It is?
KUCKIE: [Normal voice] Oh, yeah, real dark, hon.
JOHNSON: H-how dark, exactly?
KUCKIE: Real dark, din’cha hear me the first time? [Back to her distant voice] You must leave this place! Leave this place!
[Johnson stands up immediately, knocking over his chair.]
KUCKIE: Aaaaand, give me twenty dollars for my services... It’s hard makin’ a living this way, don’t you know?
[Johnson pays her, then runs through the door and off-stage. Kuckie stands up herself, shaking her head.]
KUCKIE: There’s a sucker born every minute.
[Close curtain.]

END OF SCENE V

Post #: 4

8/14/2008 17:40:32

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

ACT II
SCENE VI

[Scene is a large country estate. There are sculptures in the yard, and the grass is trimmed short. Johnson stands in front of an ornate door. Open curtain.]

JOHNSON: For once, maybe it's someone who's not crazy!
[Johnson knocks on the door. Professor Williams answers the door.]
PROFESSOR WILLIAMS: Your name, please?
JOHNSON: Mr. Johnson-
WILLIAMS: Well, Mr. Johnson, you are late again.
JOHNSON: Er... Excuse me?
WILLIAMS: No, I will not. This is intolerable, Johnson- more demerits for you!
JOHNSON: Demerits? What?
WILLIAMS: Yes, demerits. Sit down.
[Johnson sits down where he is.]
WILLIAMS: I suppose you've missed today's lecture, yes?
JOHNSON: Um, yes?
WILLIAMS: Oh, so you obviously know enough to skip it, don't you? Tell me, what was the capital of Poland until 1596?
JOHNSON: Oh, it's been so long... Kraków?
WILLIAMS: Hmm, yes. And who changed it, and what did they change it to?
JOHNSON: [Distressed] Uh... Warsaw? But who changed it...? I don't know!
WILLIAMS: Tell me, Johnson, is it tiring to hold your head up?
JOHNSON: No, sir...?
WILLIAMS: I thought it might be; you're carrying all of that stupidity around in it!
JOHNSON: [Indignantly] I'll have you know that there's nothing of the sort in my head.
WILLIAMS: Oh, I know that. Because there's nothing in there at all! For your information, Sigismund III moved the capital.
JOHNSON: Well, that's very interesting, but-
WILLIAMS: Raise your hand!
[Johnson raises his hand.]
WILLIAMS: Yes, Johnson?
JOHNSON: That's very interesting, but I need to speak with you about-
WILLIAMS: No questions until the end of the lecture.
JOHNSON: But-
WILLIAMS: Do you want more demerits?
JOHNSON: [Ashamedly] No, sir...
WILLIAMS: Then sit quietly.
JOHNSON: [Slaps his forehead.] Wait, I need to talk to you immediately!
WILLIAMS: Sit down!
JOHNSON: I'm not your student, crazy!
WILLIAMS: Not anymore, you aren't! I can't work with you! Out, out!
[Williams shoves Johnson out of the doorway.]
JOHNSON: [Sarcastically] Well, that went well.
[Johnson knocks on the door again. Williams answers the door, not knowing who Johnson is.]
WILLIAMS: And who might you be?
JOHNSON: I'm the taxman. Mr. Johnson, County Taxman.
WILLIAMS: Well, I'm afraid you have the wrong address. This is a college, if you hadn't noticed.
JOHNSON: Oh, sorry. [He starts to turn around, then emits an exclamation of surprise and turns back around.] Wait! This isn't a college! This is your house!
WILLIAMS: Are you feeling alright?
JOHNSON: [Despairingly] I was before I came here!
WILLIAMS: Go see a good doctor. Good-bye! [He slams the door on Johnson's nose.]
JOHNSON: Oh, Lord- should I get a new job!?
[Close curtain.]

END OF SCENE VI

Post #: 5

11/3/2008 11:19:21

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

ACT II
SCENE VII

[Scene is Chief's office, with Johnson again sitting in front of Chief. Open curtain.]

CHIEF: Johnson, what am I going to do with you? Are you incapable of doing something so easy as collecting a bit of tax?
JOHNSON: I'm sorry, sir, but-
CHIEF: I don't want to hear your excuses! So, what's your excuse this time?
JOHNSON: I thought you didn't want to hear my excuses...?
CHIEF: Now, did I say that, Johnson?
JOHNSON: Well, uh... Yes?
CHIEF: Never mind what I said! Don't listen to me!
JOHNSON: Yes, sir! I mean- er, nothing. I didn't say anything.
CHIEF: What!?
[Johnson ignores him.]
CHIEF: [Exasperated] What is it?
JOHNSON: You said not to listen to you.
CHIEF: Why would I say something like that, you idiot!?
JOHNSON: Uh-
CHIEF: You know what it is?
JOHNSON: What, sir?
CHIEF: It's you! Your stupidity is contagious!
JOHNSON: [Starting to get mad.] Stupidity isn't contagious, sir.
CHIEF: It is in your case! Now, I want you to-
JOHNSON: [Interrupting] Chief, how long have I been working here?
CHIEF: Two months now.
JOHNSON: How many taxes have I collected in that time?
CHIEF: None at all!
JOHNSON: And why do you think that is?
CHIEF: Because you're an incompetent fool that can't do anything?
JOHNSON: [Angrily] No, because you keep sending me after the loonies! In just the last week, I've had to put up with fake forms, insatiable salesmen, gypsies, book thieves, oven mitts, old people, schoolteachers, raising my hand, doom, and worst of all, YOU!
CHIEF: What's your point, Johnson?
JOHNSON: You keep giving me all of the people who don't pay their taxes in the first place!
CHIEF: That's because it's your job to take their money!
JOHNSON: I know! But how am I supposed to when they're too crazy to pay in the first place!? Either you give me a case with someone in their right mind, or you can go out and collect the money yourself, you hear?
CHIEF: [Resigned] Very well, Johnson. One more chance. Here's the form.
[Chief hands Johnson a piece of paper.]
JOHNSON: Finally! Thank you!
[Johnson storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him.]
CHIEF: ...What do oven mitts have to do with collecting taxes?
[Close curtain.]
END OF SCENE VII

Post #: 6

11/3/2008 11:20:52

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

ACT II
SCENE VIII

[Scene is a normal house and yard. In the house, separated by a false wall, there is a room with a table and two chairs; on the table is a bowl of fruit and other decorative items. Open curtain. Johnson enters Stage Left, strides determinately toward the door, then knocks on it. Stevens opens the door.]

STEPHENS: Hello?
[Johnson pushes Stephens into the house, and into one of the chairs.]
JOHNSON: My name is Mr. Johnson, County Taxman, and your name is Stephens. You're going to pay your taxes now. Right?
STEPHENS: [Confused] Uh, is this how you usually collect taxes?
JOHNSON: It is now! I've been bamboozled and confoozled for too long!
STEPHENS: Confoozled?
JOHNSON: [Decisively] Con-foozled! But first, a few questions. Are you old?
STEPHENS: I beg your pardon?
JOHNSON: Are you a salesperson?
STEPHENS: No, what are you talking about?
JOHNSON: How about a book thief? A gypsy?
STEPHENS: What's this all about?
JOHNSON: Just answer the question.
STEPHENS: No, I've never stolen a book in my life, and I'm certainly not a gypsy.
JOHNSON: Do you tell fortunes?
STEPHENS: You must have the wrong Stephens.
JOHNSON: Do you foresee dark dread and doom in my future?
STEPHENS: Maybe if you keep asking me these silly questions!
JOHNSON: One more. Are you, or have you ever been, a college professor?
STEPHENS: Never in my life!
JOHNSON: [Cheerfully] Well, that's all right then! Now then, you owe the county tax office $120.
[Stephens hands Johnson a wad of bills from his pocket.]
STEPHENS: Here you go...
JOHNSON: Thank you! Have a nice day, now.
[Johnson leaves the house and exits, whistling a happy tune.]
STEPHENS: I hope that really was the tax collector...!

END OF SCENE VIII
END OF ACT II
THE END

Post #: 7

Page: [1]

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