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7/7/2008 14:52:10   
Ziox
Member

My story can be found here.

Hope you like it enough to comment on it.

~ZX


_____________________________

AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
7/8/2008 8:48:53   
RATIONALPARANOIA
Member

Alright, going through it now...

1.
quote:

“Well Rookie, it’s that time again,” my commanding office laughed at me through the radio at me.


Remove one of those 'at me's.

2.
quote:

“Yes, Sir, I am ready,” I replied angrily back with a scowl on my face, switching off the radio for the time being.


This whole sentence... I don't like, for several reasons. One is the adverb, which as a general rule is never too good to use. Another is the use of 'replied back', as the 'back' is unnecassary in that. Also, the sentence is, IMO, too long. Finally, you say that he has switched the radio off... And then write after that the commander talks to him, which is kind of confusing. The way I would state it would be something like this: '"Yes, Sir, I am ready,” I replied, a scowl on my face." (Removing the part about the radio as it is unneccesary, and can lead to confusion.)

3.
quote:

“What’s wrong, Private Corda? Your fighter broken?” my commanding officer laughed in a mocking tone.


With this, I'd go with the show, don't tell, principle. Change it something like '“What’s wrong, Private Corda? Your fighter broken?” my commanding officer said, laughing.' (That way, you show the reader what happens, and from that, he realizes that the commanding officer is mocking the narrator)

Alright... For now, I got to go. I will finish up this critique later.

4.
quote:

I didn’t respond, clicking the switches up once again and making the engines come to life; the engines sputtered to life staying lit this time to my relief.


First of all, this should be two different sentences. Second of all, I'd word it a little different, especially the second part (which is a run on sentence=. I'd change it to: 'I didn't respond, just turned the switches up again. The engine roared to life, and, to my relief, stayed alive.'

5.
quote:

After an hour of Patrol, I was about turn back when I saw something rising out of the trees.


First off, don't capitalize 'patrol' (if you did not do itbefore, don't start now). Second off, replacing 'of' with 'on makes it sound much better ('After an hour on patrol,').

6.
quote:

It was a mossy green color and had a box-like shape; a dim illuminated the front of the ship.


Change this to 'It had a mossy green color and a box-like shape; a dim light illuminated the front of it.' (As if he knew it was a ship, he would have noticed that before)

7.
quote:

It hovered and turned slightly up toward me.


'It rose, and turned towards me.'

8.
quote:

When I looked up again, the ship was gone leaving a hole in the forest below.


'When I looked up again, the ship was gone, no trace of it remaining save for a small hole in the forest below.' (or big hole, depending on how you want to portray it)

9.
quote:

Must be my eyes playing tricks on me, I thought. I won’t tell anyone so I don’t look more stupid than I already do.

A smile came over my face as I returned back to base. Now they will pay, I thought.


The last sentence really doesn't making any sense, I'm sorry to say. You've given us no indication of how they're going to pay (and I could understand if this was supposed to bring a sense of foreboding, but it doesn't). Also, if you meant to imply that he knows what he just saw is a threat (and they'll pay because the threat will attack them), that is completely against the character you've established (who is a character that is loyal to his job, just hates the beauracracy (sp?). I don't really know how I'd reword this, but it does need to be revised.)

Alright, now I really do need to go. But I will complete this.

< Message edited by RATIONALPARANOIA -- 7/8/2008 9:37:36 >
AQ  Post #: 2
7/9/2008 22:05:53   
r0de0b0y
Member

Hey! I remember this from when I was trying to get approved! At first, I thought it was some sort of play due to the large amount of dialogue and weird chapter lengths. Not that that's bad, mind you. Lemme take a look at chap 2 & 3...

No spelling errors here, but my spell check outdated by 10 years.

quote:

Deep in an asteroid field, that was 20 clicks from Earth it self

Shorten it maybes? 'field, 20 clicks from Earth itself'

quote:

Inside the largest ship in that fleet sat in the middle of the large fleet.

Comma after 'inside'. And maybe substitute 'dark' and 'large' for other synonyms

quote:

“You failed Captain,” snarled

comma after 'failed'

quote:

“Captain where have you been?” the voice of Captain Soule came from the radio who sounded very angry

Comma after Captain. And maybe, 'came the angry voice of Saptain Soule from the radio'

quote:

Nixtrix retorted trying to hide the fear in his voice

comma after retorted

quote:

it was un-recognizable. It was turned black from multiple laser and missile hits

'it was un-recognizable, turned black from multiple laser and missle hits'?

quote:

His name is Hunter. His profession killer.

'was Hunter' Past-tense. And the second one is...iffy. Like 'his profession, killer'

And that's only from Chapter 2 & 3. Things you need are details, commas, better synonyms, and less repetition( he opened the door. he killed the zombie. he freed the slaves while riding on a llama. ). Other than that, it's good despite the rough edging. A lot better thanmy first work, one that reminds me of this. I hope I didn;t miss anything
AQ DF  Post #: 3
7/12/2008 16:27:18   
  Master Samak

Productive!
Fallen Leprechaun of L&L


Hey, Ziox! I hope it's alright if I can comment on your story here. These are only suggestions and can be ignored very easily.

The Last Stand: Prologue

1.
quote:

I climbed the ladder into the cockpit and slid on my flight helmet.

There's nothing wrong here, but "...slid my flight helmet on" seems smoother to me. Just an opinion.

2.
quote:

Today would be my last day as a private, but that didn’t stop the higher ups from sending me on pointless patrols.

I'm unsure how to put this, but it seems that the writing is going from narrative to a more personal narrative here. I would change "Today" to "It". Plus, having two "days" is unnecessary. Does this make sense at all?

3.
quote:

Nothing ever happened during patrols, so sometimes I thought they did these just to annoy me.

It seems to me that "these" is going away from past tense a little. Would it be considered using "them" instead? Just think about it.

4.
quote:

Well Rookie, it’s that time again,” my commanding office laughed at me through the radio at me.

Firstly, should there be a comma here: "Well, Rookie, its..."? --- Also, in my opinion, using "laughed" seems too direct in insulting. I would change it to "chuckled". --- Also, the last "at me" doesn't make sense here, since there is already one in the sentence. I would very much remove it.

5.
quote:

“Yes, Sir, I am ready,” I replied angrily back with a scowl on my face, switching off the radio for the time being.

I think the sentence would work fine if it was, "Yes, Sir. I am...". What do you think? --- Also, to me, using "replied angrily" doesn't really flow well. Perhaps having it be, "...I angrily answered back..."? --- Also, the last phrase concerning the radio doesn't make sense. The commander will soon speak again, so it wouldn't be helpful in having the radio off. I'm not sure if fighter jet pilots are able to control their radios. Basically, I would delete that bolded phrase.

6.
quote:

I hit the switches on the board in front me and the engines sputtered to life for a second, then shut off again.

Firstly, I believe this should be, "...front of me...". --- Secondly, the engines hadn't previously shut off that the readers know about. The word "again" is out of place here. I would delete it.

7.
quote:

I snarled and slammed the switches down.

Would it help to add, "...switches back down."?

8.
quote:

“What’s wrong, Private Corda? Your fighter broken?” my commanding officer laughed in a mocking tone.

As was stated by RATIONALPARANOIA, the mocking tone is implied through the laughter. The last part is unnecessary. I'd remove it.

9.
quote:

I didn’t respond, clicking the switches up once again and making the engines come to life; the engines sputtered to life staying lit this time to my relief.

The word "clicking" makes it seem like a button rather than a switch. I would change it to "flipping". --- Also, we already know what the switch does, so that part isn't necessary. --- "Sputtered to life" was already used before. --- There should be a comma between "life" and "staying". --- "Lit" makes absolutely no sense here. --- Also, there should be a comma between "time" and "to". To help, I'll write the entire quote out in my suggested form: "I didn't respond, flipping the switches up once again; the engines came to life and stayed alive, much to my relief."

10.
quote:

Pulling down the overhead window and grumbling a few choice words, I sped down the runway.

Using "down" may confuse readers into thinking you are flying with the cockpit window down. I'd change this to "shut" or something similar to that.

11.
quote:

Pushing the accelerator on the plane I gained altitude, going over the tops of the trees at the end of the runway into the starry sky.

The "on the plane" part is unnecessary because the reader already knows that you are on the plane. I'd remove it. --- Also, the word "tops" shouldn't be plural, else it would be that you are personally flying over each and every tree top that there is. I would remove the "s".

12.
quote:

I have to get back at them no matter what!

There needs to be a comma here: "...them, no..." to separate thoughts.

13.
quote:

It was a mossy green color and had a box-like shape; a dim illuminated the front of the ship.

This is somewhat contradictory. I would change "dim" to "light". Do you get what I'm trying to say?

14.
quote:

I looked down at my radar to see if it was picking up anything, but saw nothing.

This is fine, and it makes sense, but if you added, "...but saw nothing on the screen.", it would help transitionally for the reader.

15.
quote:

When I looked up again, the ship was gone leaving a hole in the forest below.

There should be a comma here: "...gone, leaving..."

16.
quote:

Must be my eyes playing tricks on me, I thought.

The word "thought" was already used. In this situation, maybe "reflected" could be a good alternative.

17.
quote:

A smile came over my face as I returned back to base. Now they will pay, I thought.

Firstly, the word "back" isn't necessary here. I would remove it. --- Secondly, the last part, the "I thought" isn't needed because by this time, the readers already have established that italics are thoughts. Not to mention that having it be "Now they will pay..." would make an excellent ending to a prologue. --- Thirdly, in support of RATIONALPARANOIA, the ending thought seems a little out of place here. It made me think that the Private had control over something that would be used as payback, which he didn't. If you would think about it, would changing it to, "A smile came over my face as I returned to base. Something just had to happen on my last patrol...", or something to that effect be better?

Critiquing Complete!!!

A very nice Prologue. I thought it was very good. The storyline was understandable and reasonable. I could definitely see that happening. Nice job. I can't wait to continue with the next Chapter.

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 11/3/2008 9:41:03 >
AQ DF  Post #: 4
7/12/2008 16:45:33   
Ziox
Member

Thank you all for the critique's. The last line of the Prologue will stay the same for a good reason you will see why later in the story.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
7/13/2008 23:14:38   
  Master Samak

Productive!
Fallen Leprechaun of L&L


Chapter One: The First Encounter

1.
quote:

Countries from all over the World started construction on the Space Fleet of Earth, SFE for short, 5 years earlier.
The word "World" should not be capitalized. --- Also, adding "...world had started..." may help.

2.
quote:

It was complete now, it was in high orbit defending Earth.
To remain true to the present tense that was given, "was" needs to be "it". --- Also, the "it was" seems unnecessary here. I would remove it. Very much remove it.

3.
quote:

It started like any other day on the bridge of the Bonyo: everybody was doing their duties as any regular day.
It had already been established that it was like any regular day. I would remove this bolded part.

4.
quote:

Of course nobody on the ship knew it.
There should be a comma here: "...course, nobody..."

5.
quote:

The alarms started blaring as the crew was waking up.
Having this without "The" is an alternative...

6.
quote:

I repeat this is not a drill!
There should be a comma here: "...repeat, this..."

7.
quote:

“I count ten command ships - twenty support ships, Sir,” yelled the radar operator.
This could very easily be replaced with "and". Still, it is your decision...

8.
quote:

Some were the shape of Planets - others long and wide like a large can.
The word "Planets" shouldn't be capitalized. --- Also, the dash would be better off, in my opinion, as a comma. --- Also, I'm unsure, but there may need to be a comma here: "...wide, like..."

9.
quote:

The enemy hit the engines, they exploded, destroying the ship.
The word "enemy" was already used. Also, the comma would be better as a dash. Totally, I'd suggest this: "The engines were hit – they exploded, destroying the ship."

10.
quote:

Most of the fighters didn’t make it because they got caught up in the shockwave of the destroyed ship.
The word "up" is not needed here. I would delete it.

11.
quote:

“That, Gentlemen was an account from a survivor of the battle.” Admiral Dorling bellowed as he was paced around the conference room on board his command ship, Geneva.
"Gentlemen" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, there should be a comma after it. Here: "That, gentlemen, was an..." --- Also, "the" could be "that". --- Also, because the Admiral is talking, the period should be a comma. "...battle,' Admiral..." --- Also, having "was" doesn't make sense in the sentence. I'd remove it.

12.
quote:

The Geneva was a dagger shaped ship, as were all of the ships in the fleet, the bridge was at the far back of the ship barely raised above the hull of the ship.
Because of the change in thought, this comma needs to be a period: "...fleet. The bridge..." --- Also, the word "was" would make the rest of the sentence grammatically incorrect. I'd take it out. --- Also, using the first "of the ship" is not required because, in my opinion, it would be better at the end. I'd take it out.

13.
quote:

The Hangar was dead center in the top of the ship.
This would be slightly repetitive, so I'd change this to, "...in the ship's top."

14.
quote:

“Sir, I don’t believe that ships just came out of no where,” grumbled Captain Soule
Because this is in formal speaking, "came" should be "come". --- Also, "no where" should be "nowhere". --- Also, there should be a period after "Soule" to end the thought.

15.
quote:

“I think that the ship must have had a malfunction, sending all those people to their death.”
Changing "the" to "our" would help prevent confusion to the reader.

16.
quote:

Even though the destruction happened weeks ago. The survivors just made it back the day before.
These are two similar thoughts, therefore, they should be connected by a comma: "...weeks ago, the survivors..."

17.
quote:

I bet you are wondering who I am; well let me introduce myself my name is Commander Corda, “Strike” to my friends and enemies.
The semicolon would be better as a period. --- Also, the "well" should be capitalized and should have a comma after it. --- Also, there should be a period between "myself" and "my". In total: "I bet you are wondering who I am. Well, let me introduce myself. My name is Commander Corda..."

18.
quote:

During my story I will be mostly acknowledged as Evergreen Leader or later in my story as Captain.
It may be best if these names are put in quotes.

19.
quote:

I am taller and I have brown hair, some stubble on my chin.
"taller" should be "tall". --- Also, there should be an addition here: "...hair, with some..."

20.
quote:

“That is the most idiotic thing I think I have ever heard, Captain.” the Geneva’s head engineer piped in.
Because it is about to be explained who is speaking, the bolded period should be a comma.

21.
quote:

“I didn’t hear anybody say anything better,” growled the Captain slumping over the table with a scowl.
Because of a similar transitional thought, there should be a comma between "Captain" and "slumping".

22.
quote:

We heard what happened, Sir, the unidentified ships destroyed the ship.” bellowed Lt. Harper.
It would be better if "the ship" is changed to "ours'". --- Also, because the Lt. is bellowing, it would be best if the period is changed to an exclamation mark. If not, then that period needs to be changed to a comma.

23.
quote:

“What is it, Sir?” I asked leaning forward in my chair.
There should be a comma between the two bolded words.

24.
quote:

“It is from the bridge,” he said not looking up “It says there are unidentified ships moving into the Moon’s range.”
There should be a comma between "said" and "not". --- There should also be a comma between "up" and "'It". --- Also, I'm unsure if "Moon's" needs to be capitalized.

25.
quote:

I repeat all personal to battle stations!
There should be a comma between the two bolded words.

26.
quote:

The Admiral picked up the Comm. Link and whispered something in it.
Because this is a speaking device, it may be best to replace "in" with "into".

27.
quote:

He turned to me and commanded “Commander get your fighters ready for battle.”
There needs to be commas here: "...and commanded, 'Commander, get your..."

28.
quote:

“Sir, yes, Sir!” I yelled saluting.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

29.
quote:

I turned to run to the hanger bay. I pulled my communicator out telling the mechanics to get the fighters ready.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

30.
quote:

“Sir, your ship is ready and primed for battle.” the head mechanic yelled over the loud whining of fighter engines starting up.
The bolded period should be a comma. --- Also, this last part is repetitive. I'd change it to "...whining of the fighters."

31.
quote:

“Good, carry on and tell my squad to launch when ready!” I yelled to him while putting on my flight helmet.
It would help if you added, "...I yelled back to..."

32.
quote:

“Yes, Sir!” he yelled over his shoulder at me as ran to the protection of the Mechanics room.
The word "yelled" has been used too much. I'd change this to "shouted". --- Also, this would be better as "...at me, running to the...". If not, then it has to be "...me as he ran to...". --- Also, "Mechanics" needs to be "Mechanic's".

33.
quote:

“All four lit and ready to roll.” I breathed into my radio running my eyes over the status reports rolling on the screen in front of me.
The bolded period needs to be a comma. --- Also, there should be a comma between the two bolded words.

34.
quote:

“Alright Evergreen leader your squad is good to go,” replied the control operator.
There needs to be commas on both sides of "Evergreen leader".

35.
quote:

“Evergreen lead to Evergreen squad, let's light these candles!” I said punching the accelerator on my fighter.
This should probably be "leader". --- Also, since the fighter is about to be mentioned after this sentence, it would be best that this is deleted.

36.
quote:

My fighter was a standard fighter in the fleet it had short wings that went up in front of the cockpit like a V most were colored black with the squad color on the front most part of the wings.
There needs to be periods inbetween the two pairs of bolded words.

37.
quote:

My squad seemed to be the first of the fighter squads out on into space.
I really think that "on" should be removed.

38.
quote:

Passing the bridge of the Geneva we saw the rest of the fleet changing vectors toward the moon.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

39.
quote:

“Green Leader to Geneva, contacts in all sectors, I count 20 ships in all.” I reported looking down at the small radar built into my ship.
The bolded period needs to be a comma. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "reported" and "looking".

40.
quote:

Copy Green Lead, watch the friendly fire.” replied the radar operator aboard the Geneva.
There should be a comma between "Copy" and "Green". --- Also, "Lead" probably should be "Leader". --- Also, the bolded period needs to be a comma.

41.
quote:

I was about to answer but the weapons on the ship opened fire.
There may need to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, it may help to be more descriptive with the ship. I'd add, "...on the enemy ship opened..."

42.
quote:

“Let’s go, Sir!” yelled Evergreen 2 whose ship took the lead anxious to fight.
There should be a comma between the two pairs of bolded words.

43.
quote:

“Right, attack formation, we are going straight through,” I ordered warming up my lasers for the battle.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

44.
quote:

The command crew was running around the bridge getting orders to all the battle stations.
There may need to be a comma between the two bolded words.

45.
quote:

Humans we have come to take over your pitiful little planet,” snarled the Vong commander.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

46.
quote:

Though it didn’t sound like English was his language.
The word "Though" is grammatically incorrect here. I would take it out. --- Also, it would be best if a better description was placed on the language part. "...was his native language."

47.
quote:

“Not if we can help it!” yelled the Admiral slamming his fist onto the board in front of him making small sparks come up from it.
"yelled" has been used too much. I'd change it to "retorted" or something like that. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "Admiral" and "slamming". --- Also, there needs to be an addition here: "...of him and making small..."

48.
quote:

The laser turrets whirled to face the enemy ship and fired.
It may be best to change this to "targeted", since the word "enemy" will be used shortly after.

49.
quote:

The ship kept advancing. Their weapons doing damage to many of our ships at such close range.
There needs to be a comma, not a period, between the two bolded words. --- Also, I would remove "such", to make it more formal.

50.
quote:

The enemy ship then stopped for an unknown reason.
This sentence doesn't seem to be written well, in my opinion. I'd rewrite it as, "For reasons unknown, the ships suddenly stopped not moments later.

51.
quote:

Wow that was easy, pass it onto to all the other ships in the fleet what to do.” ordered the Admiral amazed.
There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words, as well as with the bolded comma.

52.
quote:

What was breached was an outer layer of shielding.
Don't take offense, but this sentence also seems to be worded poorly. I would rewrite it as, "Only an outer layer of shielding was breached."

53.
quote:

“Breaker leader take out that ship before it destroys the Admiral,” I commented over my radio maneuvering my fighter to intercept the incoming ship.
Because all the other times were capitalized, "...leader take out..." needs to be "...Leader, take out..." (note the comma) --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "radio" and "maneuvering". --- Also, it would make more sense if you changed the last part to, "...maneuvering my own fighter to intercept it."

54.
quote:

“Good idea Evergreen lead, attack formation delta,” ordered Breaker Leader who had his fighters going away from the ship to protect the Geneva.
"lead" needs to be "Leader". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

55.
quote:

“Forget formations my squad is going straight in, see you on the other side,” I replied hitting the buttons on my control stick for my lasers.
There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words. --- Also, the bolded comma needs to be a period.

56.
quote:

My lasers tore into the engines.
It would be repetitive if "My lasers" was used again. I'd replace it with "Blasts of light" or "Beams of light".

57.
quote:

The ship slowed and finally the Breaker squadron came and finished it off.
The word "finally" isn't necessary. I'd take it out.

58.
quote:

“Damage report,” growled Captain Soule coughing from all the smoke that had started pouring into the bridge.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

59.
quote:

As a result it was taking the most damage.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

60.
quote:

“The fighters report a break through, warn the Geneva,” said the Executive Officer trying to fix the Communication systems that had just gone out moments before.
This should either be "breakthrough" or just "break". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, the last part, the "moments before", is not necessary. I would take it out.

61.
quote:

“I don’t think we have to worry about warning them, Sir, because they are already here,” the radar operator said looking worriedly at the half broken radar showing more friendlies coming to the sector.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

62.
quote:

“Evergreen squad lets help push these idiots back,” I commanded hitting the accelerator on my fighter.
"squad" may need to be capitalized. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

63.
quote:

The fighters that remained fell into line with the newcomers.
This could be "in" also.

64.
quote:

To the right the Rebellion took a direct hit.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

65.
quote:

The engines exploded destroying the ship. The shockwave created damage to the ships around it.
This could be shortened: "The ship exploded, damaging the ships around it."

66.
quote:

“Sir, shields down to 20% we have to pull back or be destroyed!” yelled the Executive Officer on the Geneva ducking down so he wouldn’t hit his head on the beams that had fallen on the bridge.
There needs to be a period between "20%" and "we". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the last two bolded words.

67.
quote:

Wait, the enemy is pulling back!” exclaimed the radar operator throwing his hands in the air in celebration.
"pulling back" was already used. I would replace it with "retreating". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

68.
quote:

It seemed that we had won this round. Then a laser beam struck the Geneva.
Perhaps having this be, "...this round, until a laser..."?

69.
quote:

“Evergreen Lead to Geneva, come in Geneva,” I barked into my radio hoping the ship would here me.
"Lead" should be "Leader". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "here" should be "hear".

70.
quote:

Smoke poured out of it blocking my view.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

71.
quote:

“Where do you guys think you’re going?” I asked my squad moving my fighter to go to the Geneva to see what I could do to help there.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "there" is not needed and should be taken out.

72.
quote:

“Evergreen squad the Shoganute could use your help,” ordered a new voice over my radio.
"squad the" should be "Squad, the". --- Also, I think "requested" would be a better choice.

73.
quote:

“Copy, that,” I answered looking down at my fuel gage that was dangerously close to empty.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "that" could be "which".

74.
quote:

Though orders where orders.
This should have a comma and/or should be "Still, orders..."

75.
quote:

Shoganute was the newest ship in the fleet built by Japan with hopes that they could build a ship that would help the fleet have the power that Japan had in the old days.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, all of those bolded words could be replaced with "it".

76.
quote:

It was put in charge of guarding the ship yards on the far side of Earth.
This should be one word, "shipyards".

77.
quote:

“I hope that didn’t get the yards, or we could be out about 20 ships,” said Evergreen Green 2 who was slowly moving to the shipyards to conserve fuel.
The word "about" isn't needed. I'd remove it. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

78.
quote:

“Nice to see you Evergreen Squad, but we don’t need your help with this ship,” said Captain Ryo who sounded un-happy to see us,
There needs to be a comma between the two pairs of bolded words.

79.
quote:

“What we need, is for you to escort the ship yards to Mars.”
The bolded comma shouldn't be there. I'd remove it. --- Also, "ship yards" needs to be one word.

80.
quote:

“I don’t think we have enough fuel for that Ma’am,” I replied looking down at my fuel gauge.
There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words. --- Also, "replied" will be used in the next sentence, and in my opinion, it is better there than here. I'd change this to "said".

81.
quote:

“Oh, well dock with the Intruder you can get your fuel there,” the Captain replied again sounding aggravated
There needs to be a comma between "well" and "dock". --- Also, there needs to be a period between "Intruder" and "you". --- There needs to be a comma between "replied" and "again".

82.
quote:

“Let’s help the Shoganute and send a couple of torpedoes into the side of that frigate,” I commanded launching two torpedo’s at the enemy.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

83. “
quote:

Evergreen's dock in bay 3,” said the radio operator aboard the Intruder.
I think this needs to be "Evergreen, dock..."

83.
quote:

“Copy that, why are you guys going to Mars when we need you the most here?” I asked latching onto Evergreen Two who had run out of fuel.
There needs to be a comma between the two pairs of bolded words.

84.
quote:

“We are moving the ship yards there so they will be out of trouble,” he replied.
This should be "shipyards". --- Also, "trouble" may be better as "danger".

85.
quote:

Well I knew there was also a top secret project going on there so I thought that made sense.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, it may be best if "that" was changed to "it".

86.
quote:

We got in and the docking bay doors closed with a load thud and I heard the engines start moving the heavy ship yard.
"load" should be "loud". --- Also, it would be best to change "and" to a period to prevent overloading of the sentence. --- Also, this should be "shipyard".

87.
quote:

Well I hope the Geneva will be able to be repaired quickly,” said Green Four pulling of his flight helmet.
There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words.

88.
quote:

From the looks of the ship it would takes days to repair the damage.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

89.
quote:

“All personal prepare for the jump to light speed,” the ships speakers announced.
I think "personal prepare" needs to be "personel, prepare". --- Also, "light speed" should be one word.

90.
quote:

It wasn’t really military outpost it was more of a civilian installation.
This should be "...really a military outpost, it was..."

91.
quote:

Though on the Far side of Mars there was a Military research facility the men and women there helped us come up with new ship designs and weapons.
"Though" may need to be "However,". --- Also, there needs to be a period between the two bolded words. --- Also, to stay formal, "helped" needs to be "help".

92.
quote:

Remember way back in like 2007, it took us nine months to get to Mars now, it just takes a matter of hours,” said Green 7 sitting down near his fighter and looking around.
There needs to be a comma between "Remember" and "way". --- Also, this needs to be "...get to Mars. Now it just...". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "7" and "sitting".

93.
quote:

Earth had come a long way to get to where we were now.
Sticking with "Earth", this needs to be "it is".

94.
quote:

“Back in 2007 we didn’t even have a military outpost on Mars,” I remarked laughing.
There needs to be a comma between "2007" and "we". --- Also, it would be a whole lot easier if "remarked laughing" was just "laughed".

95.
quote:

“That is also true but we are here now with more threats then ever before,” commented Angel Leader stepping out of the shadows of the corridor.
The word "also" isn't necessary, and it doesn't make sense. I'd take it out. --- Also, this should be "...true, but..." --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "Leader" and "stepping".

96.
quote:

“Well, Well if it isn’t Lt. Mineheart, last I heard you were the head Angel Squadron,” I said thoughtfully looking over to her and remembering many good memories.
The bolded "Well" needs to be decapitalized and should have a comma after it. --- Also, there needs to be a period here instead of a comma. --- Also, there should probably be an addition of "...head of Angel..." --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

97.
quote:

“Who said that I still am not?” asked Lt. Mineheart walking into the large docking bay.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

98.
quote:

“Your fighters don’t look any worse for the wear” she commented looking over at our fighters.
There needs to be a comma after "wear" and also between the two bolded words.

99.
quote:

“Is it true that the Geneva was destroyed?” she asked turning serious.
There needs to be a comma betwee the two bolded words.

100.
quote:

No, but it will take a while before it is repaired though” I answered looking up.
"though" should be deleted. --- Also, there needs to be a comma betwee the two bolded words.

101.
quote:

“We are going to have to pay them back!” yelled Evergreen 6 standing up and putting his hands into a fist.
"have to" needs to be deleted. --- Also, there needs to be a comma betwee the two bolded words.

102.
quote:

Just as he said that the ship rumbled and out of the loud speakers came
There needs to be a colon after "came" to express a following.

103.
quote:

“All fighter pilots get to your ships we have enemies incoming!”
There needs to be a comma between the first two bolded words. --- Also, there needs to be a dash between "ships" and "we" to express abrupt additional thought.

104.
quote:

“Evergreen Leader to flight control are we clear to take off? I asked not even bothering to look at the readouts on my screen.
There needs to be a comma between the two pairs of bolded words.

105.
quote:

“Copy that Evergreen Lead get out of here,” said the flight controller.
This needs to be "...that, Evergreen Leader, get out..."

106.
quote:

“Let’s go Evergreens looks like we got some work to do,” I ordered as I lifted off the docking bay floor.
This should be "...go, Evergreens, it looks..."

107.
quote:

There was the great Red Planet Mars; many years ago America had sent a man to walk on her.
There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words.

108.
quote:

“What are your orders Sir?” asked Evergreen 5 moving in line with the rest of his squad mates.
There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words.

109.
quote:

“Go get those fighters Angel squadron, my ships will handle what is left of the capital ships,” I ordered moving to intercept the looming capital ships firing at the planet’s service.
There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words. --- Also, "service" needs to be "surface".

110.
quote:

“Copy that Evergreen Leader,” responded Angel Leader.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

111.
quote:

Sir those ships are pulling away, we have to keep attacking them,” said my second in command who had taken a small amount of damage from the fight.
There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words. --- Also, it may be best to add "...the previous fight."

112.
quote:

“I agree Evergreen 2 you take half the squad and I’ll take the other half and take them on separately.” I ordered taking Evergreen 6, 7, 8 and 9 with me.
There needs to be commas before and after "Evergreen 2". --- Also, the bolded period needs to be a comma. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "ordered" and "taking".

113.
quote:

The other half of the squad pulled away and started to attack some of the attacking ships.
This is repetitive, so I'd change "attacking" to "enemy".

114.
quote:

The half of the squad that stayed with me and went for what I thought was the command ship.
"and" needs to be deleted to have this make sense.

115.
quote:

“This is just the outer shell, maybe we can find something to shoot into to go to inner shell,” I said trying to avoid the lasers coming at from the much larger capital ship.
I think this was meant to be "...shoot into to get to the inner..." --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

116.
quote:

“Sir, found a hole…firing missile,” said Evergreen 6 shooting a missile into a small hole in the side of the ship.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

117.
quote:

“Good shot Evergreen 6!” I yelled into the comm. link.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

118.
quote:

“Don’t let up the attack we don’t want hat happened to Geneva to happen here,” I ordered.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "hat" should be "what".

119.
quote:

Even with the continued attack most of the Enemy ships got away.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "Enemy" should be decapitalized.

120.
quote:

“Evergreen Leader you have been ordered to the research Station.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "research" needs to be capitalized.

121.
quote:

Just then The Star of David, the only Israeli ship in the entire fleet, completely manned by the Jewish people came around the great Red Planet.
There needs to be commas between the two pairs of bolded words.

122.
quote:

I knew the captain of that ship since High School his name was Tony Lockhart.
There needs to be a period or a semicolon between the two bolded words to express separate, but related thoughts.

123.
quote:

“Evergreen Leader you are passing into a restricted area, please turn your ship around or prepare to be fired upon!” came Lockhart’s voice over my comm.
There needs to be a comma between "Leader" and "you". --- Also, the bolded comma should be a period.

124.
quote:

“Sorry Lockhart but I can’t do that, Admirals orders for me to come here,” I replied with a grin on my face.
There needs to be a comma before and after "Lockhart". --- Also, the bolded comma needs to be a period. --- Also, there should be an addition: "...Admiral's orders are for..."

125.
quote:

“I received no such orders…..I’m just kidding old buddy you’re clear to pass,” he replied with a laugh.
There are too many dots here. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, to prevent repetitiveness, "replied" should be "said".

126.
quote:

As I turned towards the shipyards I noticed a new ship sitting there, I saw the name on the side it was Vanuatu.
There needs to be a period here instead of a comma.

127.
quote:

That ship looked like a different design then the rest of the capital ships in the fleet.
This could easily be just "It". --- Also, "then" needs to be "than".

128.
quote:

“Capt…..I mean Evergreen Leader land in the Vanuatu hanger the Admiral is waiting,” came a voice I didn’t recognize from my comm.
There are too many dots. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "Leader" and "land". --- Also, there needs to be a period between "hanger" and "the".

129.
quote:

Lockhart was standing next to another friend who was the squadron leader on the Star of David, his name is Sam Zulegar.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, it would be acceptable if "his name is" was removed.

130.
quote:

I also noticed a tall blond guy in an orange jump suit and his name was Taylor Austin, he was another friend.
This should be "...orange jumpsuit. His name..." --- Also, delete "he was".

131.
quote:

Admiral walked up to me and said “Commander you have done a great job over the years and we would like to thank you for you service to the fleet.”
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, "you" needs to be "your".

132.
quote:

Welcome to your ship captain,” said the Admiral with a smile on his face.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

133.
quote:

I was now standing on the bridge of the Vanuatu escorting the Admiral back to the rest of the fleet with the Star of David.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

134.
quote:

“Warn the Star of David and the Specters to their ships,” I commanded.
This part doesn't make sense with the rest of the sentence, so I'd remove it.

135.
quote:

“Leper leader to Star of David, these ships look like commercial ships and they certainly don’t look like those ships that we fought off earlier,” Zulegar reported.
"leader" should be capitalized.

136.
quote:

“Fleet ships can you hear us, we have come under attack by some strange ships,” yelled a voice on the comm. Link.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, the bolded comma should be a question mark. --- Also, I believe "Link" should be decapitalized.

137.
quote:

“This is Captain Corda of the Vanuatu, we have received your message, do you have any injured aboard and were you followed?” I replied with a look of relief on my face.
Perhaps this should be "asked".

138.
quote:

“Thank god you can hear us, and yes we have injured.
"god" should be capitalized, I believed.

139.
quote:

I’m pretty sure we weren’t followed,” said the voice from the other ship that I recognized from somewhere.
I think this should be: "...ship. I recognized it from..."

140.
quote:

“Star of David I think we can handle this, escort take the Admiral back to Earth,” I said.
There needs to be a comma between "David" and "I". --- Also, one of these two words needs to be deleted: "escort" or "take".

141.
quote:

My people can’t be that lucky all the time he thought as he looked out the main viewing port.
This should either be in italics to express thought, or be in quotation marks. --- Also, the last part of the sentence isn't necessary because it would be restated in the following sentence. I think it should be removed.

142.
quote:

Lockhart looked out of the Viewpoint and watched the Stars into lines.
There needs to be a decapitalization and an addition: "...watched the stars turn into..."

143.
quote:

One of these days I know something bad is going to happen and we won’t be ready.
This sentence should be in italics.

Critiquing Complete!!!

Okay, I have to be very honest with you, so please don't be insulted by constructive criticism. This was, without a doubt, the longest critique that I've done. The reason being the style and punctuation part. It would seem that you need to research the correct time to place a comma. I'm hesitant with critiquing Chapters 2 and 3, for fear of the lack of commas.

The definition of a comma is: "the sign (,), a mark of punctuation used for indicating a division in a sentence, as in setting off a word, phrase, or clause, esp. when such a division is accompanied by a slight pause or is to be noted in order to give order to the sequential elements of the sentence. It is also used to separate items in a list, to mark off thousands in numerals, to separate types or levels of information in bibliographic and other data, and, in Europe, as a decimal point."

Also, a separate suggestion, the writing format used: [ 'Talk Talk Talk,' said Someone, doing another action. ] is very repetitive in this chapter. The only thing I can suggest is trying to rewrite some of them. Its not a bad thing, but it does make the style somewhat predictable. I'd suggest for you to go through every chapter you've done and look over them for these kind of things.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, now with the positive. I really liked the way this story was thought out. It was very clever to use "The Star of David" as the ship for the Israeli. I liked how the blending of the future with modern things was done.

I should also applaud you for the losing twist for the "good" guys. It is more than common for me to read a simple, guessable story where good overcomes evil, so I found this to be refreshing. I am interested as to how this will play out.

Again, please don't be offended or think terrible thoughts about me. It is simply that honesty helps. To correct wrongs as soon as possible will benefit the critiquer, as well as the writer in the long run. This is a great story, and I do like it. Stay vigilant.

- Master Samak -

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 11/3/2008 9:43:16 >
AQ DF  Post #: 6
7/30/2008 10:53:29   
  Master Samak

Productive!
Fallen Leprechaun of L&L


Chapter Two: The Defeat

1.
quote:

Deep in an asteroid field, that was 20 clicks from Earth it self, hid the fleet that meant to do harm to the citizens of Earth.
It would be best if "that was" is removed. It isn't needed in order to have the sentence make sense. --- Also, technically, in most authentic writing, authors should spell out numbers completely. This means that “20” should be “twenty”.

2.
quote:

Inside the largest ship in that fleet sat in the middle of the large fleet.
Firstly, there should be a comma between “Inside” and “the” in order to explain that this is talking about inside the fleet, and not the ship. --- Also, I personally believe that “in” should be “of”. There are already a lot of “in”s within this sentence and it doesn’t really work well here either. Just think about it. --- Also, it seems to me that ships don’t really “sit”. They “float” or “hover”. I’d change it. --- Also, I feel that “middle of the large fleet” should be just “center”. To keep “of the large fleet” would be crossing the line on repetitiveness.

3.
quote:

It was painted dark black.
To me, using the word “painted” makes this ship seem like an ocean ship with paint on wood. I would either change this or completely remove it, for the sentence is fine without it. (I’m for removing it.)

4.
quote:

At this time the entire ship was , no light emitted from it, just darkness.
I don’t think this is the best place to insert a similar thought. I would place the bolded part at the very end of the sentence. Overall, I would change this to, “At the time, the entire ship was dark, no light emitted from it.

5.
quote:

A lone human stood in a dark room on that ship, watching the asteroids fly past.
It is slightly repetitive. I’d change it to “darkened”.

6.
quote:

He turned at the sound of the door opening . A worried look came over his face.
This could be combined into a single sentence. In my opinion, this would actually be better as a single: “He turned at the sound of the door opening , a worried look coming over his face.”

7.
quote:

His face tattooed and scared .
Technically, this isn’t a complete sentence. It should have: “His face was tattooed…” --- Also, the bolded “scared” still means “frightened”. I know what’s trying to be said, and the word should have another “r”. The word is “scarred”.

8.
quote:

“Sorry doesn’t cut it Captain,” hissed the commander
There needs to be a comma between these two words, to separate the thought with to whom it is referred to. --- Also, “commander” needs to be capitalized, since it is capitalized in all the other parts of this story.

9.
quote:

Nixtrix stuttered more and slinking down in the stare of his master.
The way this sentence is constructed, it seems that it isn’t part of the previous dialogue; more of a narration. To make it such, “slinking” needs to be “slunk”.

10.
quote:

T-Thank you sir, I won’t let you down this time Master ,” Nixtrix gleefully said walking out of the room back to his shuttle.
There are several things that jump out at me here. Firstly, it doesn’t seem “real” to have him shied away in fear and then walk away “gleefully” at the first notice of a second change. There are several punctuation errors here too. Here is my total critique of this: “‘T-Thank you , sir, I won’t let you down this time , Master,’ Nixtrix sighed in relief . He quickly exited the room and went back to his shuttle before Commander could change his mind.

11.
quote:

“You had better not Captain, for your sake,” whispered the Commander after Nixtrix had left.
There needs to be a comma here, to identify a name.

12.
quote:

The Nevis Rex jumped back to Earth, with unknowingly to the defenders of Earth the enemy fleet in tow .
It seems that there tried to have a similar thought placed here, but it ended up bad. To make sense, it would require dashes, but I don’t think that that is the best place to place the thought. Here is my suggestion: “…jumped back to Earth with the enemy fleet in tow, unknown to Earth’s defenders .”

13.
quote:

Captain where have you been?” the voice of Captain Soule came from the radio who sounded very angry.
Firstly, there needs to be a comma after “Captain”. You know why. --- Secondly, it would be within your best interest if you changed this to “…radio, sounding very…”. Why? Because it doesn’t make sense in its original text.

14.
quote:

“I was out on patrol,” Nixtrix retorted trying to hide the fear in his voice.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

15.
quote:

The aliens had taken the place of the humans that sat there just hours earlier. The humans that were killed and left in space.
The “The aliens” part was just used a sentence before. It is safe to change this to “They”. --- Also, the last sentence here is a fragment. It needs to be combined with the first one in order to make sense. To do this, make it: “…hours earlier, the…”

16.
quote:

After the radio clicked off he gave the signal to have all the ships move to side of the fleet.
I think it would help make this more understandable if “the” was changed to “his”. What do you think?

17.
quote:

“We are in position Captain,” the Alien whispered next to him
There needs to be a comma before “Captain”. --- Also, the reader hasn’t been introduced to a particular alien, so this really should be “an alien”.

18.
quote:

He had silently come next to him to watch what would happen next .
I would remove the second “next”. The sentence would be fine without it.

19.
quote:

“Attack,” Nixtrix breathed the word he thought he would never say in this situation.
The bolded part is a bit contradictory. If he is in this situation, then he should expect to say it. I would remove the last part.

20.
quote:

With that word the Battle for Earth had begun.
There may need to be a comma here. I’m unsure.

21.
quote:

The burnt out hulks fell into the atmosphere , crashing into the ground below killing millions.
It may help to add “…the atmosphere below …” --- Also, the second “into” may be repetitive, so I’d change it to just “to”. --- Also, the last part won’t make sense unless it is, “…ground below and killing…”

22.
quote:

The ship was the Freedom , it was un-recognizable.
Because this ship was written about just previously, it is safe to change this to “It”. --- Also, there needs to be an addition to connect the two similar thoughts: “…Freedom, and it…”

23.
quote:

The ship that was in purist was the Nevis Rex.
A misspelling, “purist” should be “pursuit”.

24.
quote:

“We can’t let them get away!” yelled Nixtrix moving closer to the viewpoint.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words to express shift in thought.

25.
quote:

Finally, the Freedom shuttered to a stop and the gunners found their marks and it exploded .
Would you consider changing this to “…marks and watched it explode .”?

26.
quote:

Civilian and governmental ships alike where pouring out into space trying to escape the Invaders.
Firstly, “where” is the incorrect homonym. It should be “were”. Also, “pouring” is repetitive, so I’d change it to “shooting”. --- Also, there needs to be a comma between the last two bolded words.

27.
quote:

Though they were unprotected and were being used as target practice for the Alien ships.
The “Though” is out of place here. --- Also, “Alien” shouldn’t be capitalized. Overall, “They were unprotected , though, and were being used for target practice by the a lien ships.

28.
quote:

Her people fighting for their lives.
I know what’s trying to be said, but this is still a fragment sentence. This should have “…people were fighting…” or be connected to the previous sentence by a comma.

29.
quote:

Both uniforms had burn marks in them .
It may help to change this to “…marks on them, however .”

30.
quote:

His name is Hunter. His profession killer.
To maintain past-tense, “is” needs to be “was”. --- Also, the last sentence makes no sense. It is a fragment. I would very much add this to the first sentence: “…Hunter , a profession al killer.”

31.
quote:

On both of his hips rested two blasters , on his back a rifle.
I think there should be a semicolon to link, but separate the two thoughts and that would make a comma possible: “…blasters ; on his back , a rifle.”

32.
quote:

“We got this far did we not?” the other man replied with a slight English accent.
There may need to be a comma between these two words to allow a transition from fact to question.

33.
quote:

He had dirty blond hair , dark blue eyes; he was 6’4”.
This comma may need to be changed to just “and” since there is no list here.

34.
quote:

On his right hip sat a blaster, he had his hand clenched tightly around the grip.
It would help the sentence flow more smoothly if this bolded part was taken out.

35.
quote:

His name was Sir Gnome , h e used to be an English royalty until a scandal cast him out.
I don’t think using a comma here will work. It should be a period, since it is two distinct pieces of thought.

36.
quote:

Soon after he became a well known mercenary.
There needs to be a comma here, or else it would seem like he did something once he became a mercenary. --- Also, I think that this needs to be connected by a dash: “well - known”.

37.
quote:

The ship they are going for is Gnome s private ship, the Meduse.
To remain in past-tense, “are” needs to be “were” and “is” needs to be “was”. --- Also, it may be best to change “going for” to “walking toward” or “heading for”. If left in its original form, it may confuse the reader into thinking that the two are about to attack the ship in some mercenary way. --- Also, to show possession, there needs to be an apostrophe here: “Gnome s”.

38.
quote:

They both had fought through hundreds of aliens to get where they are now.
To maintain the required past-tense style, “are” needs to be “were”.

39.
quote:

Standing between them and the ship was an alien shuttle that just set down.
It may help to add “that had just”.

40.
quote:

The shuttle exploded , fire blossomed into the sky shedding light onto the area.
My first thought to correct this is to change the bolded comma to a semicolon. Then you would be able to put a comma between “sky” and
shedding”.

41.
quote:

Hunter and Gnome ran through the fire and onto the Meduse.
To use “fire” again would seem a bit repetitive. I would suggest changing it to “wreckage”.

42.
quote:

It takes off into the night sky . O nly to be shot down seconds later. The ship falling into the City bellow.
Well, there are a few sentence fragments here. Firstly, though, I would change “It” to “The ship” because it is a first time use of the word, and it is more specific. --- Also, the period needs to be removed here: “…night sky only to be shot…”. --- Also, the last “sentence” is unnecessary here because we can assume what happens to ships that are shot down. I’d delete the last part. If not, then it needs to be changed to, “…down seconds later , falling to the City below .” (Do note that I changed “into” to “to" and I also changed "bellow" to below". To bellow means to shout.)

43.
quote:

They looked around in the dim light coming in through the broken windows.
The bolded "in" may need to be removed. This sentence seems a bit tricky. Reread it a take a good look.

44.
quote:

They saw box staked in a circle and in the middle of that circle sat a group a humans looking at a small fire.
Because there will be more than one person sitting on a box, and it needs to be in a circle, "box" needs to be "boxes". --- Also, there needs to be a comma between "circle" and "and". --- Also, using "staring" can work here as well.

45.
quote:

“Who are you’s?” a voice asked from behind them.
The bolded part doesn't make sense to me. It needs to be taken out.

46.
quote:

He looked back up shocked.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words to differentiate actions and feelings.

47.
quote:

Well are you going say something or just look at me stupid like?” the man asked putting the blaster closer to their heads.
There needs to be a comma between the two pairs of bolded words. --- Also, this needs to be "blasters" since the man took two.

48.
quote:

“I am Sir Gnome, mercenary, my friend here a hired killer, his name Hunter,” answered Gnome stepped forward looking at the man with a smirk on his face.
I think there should be a semicolon and some commas and a sentence break, so I'll give you my complete revision: "'I am Sir Gnome, mercenary; my friend here, a hired killer by the name of Hunter,' answered Gnome. He stepped forward, looking at the man with a smirk on his face."

49.
quote:

The man’s face went white and let the blaster slip out of his hand onto the floor.
It may be necessary to add: "and he let"

50.
quote:

“You have nothing to worry about from me but you might want to give Hunter his weapons back, he doesn’t look very happy,” Gnome turned serious, looking back at Hunter whose face a turned very red.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, I would start a new sentence here, changing the comma to a period. --- Also, there may need to be a comma between "Hunter" and "whose".

51.
quote:

“H-H-H-Here they are, Sir,” the man stuttered handing over the two blasters that he had taken from Hunter minutes before.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

52.
quote:

Gnome chuckled and quickly followed leaving a red rose lying on top of the body
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, there needs to be a period after "body" to end the sentence.

Critiquing Complete!!!

Nice chapter. I was intrigued by the double-crossing Captain. The two new characters were given a good introduction. Nice job. A small suggestion would be: detail. Don't be too afraid of overloading a story with details. Just picture the scene and use the five senses to describe it. Keep it up.
AQ DF  Post #: 7
7/30/2008 11:19:51   
  Master Samak

Productive!
Fallen Leprechaun of L&L


Chapter Three: The Truth Be Told

1.
quote:

Oh it is true that Earth has been taken over by savage aliens.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

2.
quote:

Captain Nixtrix is a lie, there was no such person or has there ever been.
I think this needs to be "nor".

3.
quote:

From this point forward the truth, about the greatest crime in the history humanity will be told.
This comma is misplaced. It needs to be here: "...point forward, the truth about..."

4.
quote:

Beware this is the story no one was supposed to hear or even know about.
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words.

5.
quote:

If you so choose to continue to read this story it will be at the risk of your own life
There needs to be a comma between the two bolded words. --- Also, there needs to be a period after "life" to end the sentence.

Critiquing Complete!!!

An interesting post. I didn't see this coming. My only "thing" with this is that it is a chapter. This is more of an info to the readers and doesn't really include any narrative. I'd suggest taking this part and labeling it specifically as like an insert from the author, or something. Its really good though.
AQ DF  Post #: 8
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