RE: Heaven's Wrath ~ Comments ~ Ch 4 and Ch 6- Major edits


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11/8/2008 0:49:06

Firefly
Lore-ian

Rereading fight. A few random comments.

quote:

and heaved with all his might, sending Arden ~~went~~ flying into a tree.

Heh, typo?

quote:

She grimaced as the rough bark scraped her back, but didn’t allow that to slow her down.

Imo, the last part just slowed down the pace and seemed like telling rather than showing. I suggest you take out the whole bolded part, but if you don't want to, I suggest you trim it down to "but didn't allow this to deter her"

quote:

Mathuin was already moving, a train wreck heading straight for her, culminating in a knife hand aimed for her collarbone.

I don't like this metaphor. It makes him seem incapable. Maybe "an incoming train, culminating..."

quote:

Arden didn’t even try to block him, but instead twisted out of the way ~~just in time~~ to let him scrape the tree with his hand, and jumped high enough to kick him in the head.

This sentence dragged on pretty long and I don't like how you joined on the last clause. I can't think of a fix. Maybe a new sentence and an extra clause. "...his hand. Leaping into the air, she swung her leg at his head."

Alright. I got lazy and didn't go line by line for the rest. Anyhow, I really liked this fight. I can't seem to even remember it in the original. I remember /something/ but I didn't think it was a fight. Anyways, good job. I could really picture all the attacks and stuff. You know how much I love a good hand-to-hand battle.

~~EDIT: Another page! Claimed for scary editing.~~
No page-claiming. - Cow Face

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 6/3/2009 15:56:43 >

AQ	Post #: 26

11/8/2008 1:11:41

jerenda
Member

Yay, another critique!!! (Man, now I've got edits to do as well as a story to write... bah, story first.) Anyways.

I'll work on everything you mentioned, and probably a few you didn't as well.

Aww, thanks. *grins* You're right when you say you remember something that wasn't really a fight. Yay for full-on fight scenes. ^_^ Thanks again.

Edit: I've replaced all mentions of 'Astor' with 'Chauven'. Tell me if I missed one, but I shouldn't have, being as I used the computer to make the replacements. ^_^

< Message edited by jerenda -- 11/8/2008 1:15:37 >

_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~

Post #: 27

12/12/2008 23:19:30

jerenda
Member

Ta-da, Chapter 7 is now out. ^_^ Enjoy. I'm debating the done-ness of this chapter- may add another scene later.

Also, if anyone either a) cares enough to know the second each new chapter of mine comes out or b) (and more likely) would like to know when they're expected to drag themselves back to this story of mine so they don't have to repeatedly check, I'm willing to send PM's to those who want updates. Just tell me if you want to be on the list. ^_^

And I've decided that what you see here is half of Chapter Seven. So hah.

< Message edited by jerenda -- 12/13/2008 14:32:25 >

Post #: 28

12/14/2008 18:23:21

Nex del Vida
Member

Heya, Jer. Editing chapters 6 and 7.

quote:

sending Arden went flying into a tree.

"...sending Arden flying into a tree." But that's still a bit awkward. Meh.

quote:

a train wreck heading straight for her, culminating in a knife hand aimed for her collarbone.

"A train wreck" is usually used for a hopelessly depressed person or the like. Try "Mathuin was already moving straight for her with the weight and speed of a train, a knife-clawed hand aimed for her collarbone."

Me no like "Chauven." It's a cool name, but not when we have the whole wide world of Latin out there. You know me, Jer.
Unfortunately, "Red-tailed hawk" is "Buteo jamaicensis," nothing to use in a name.
...
After extensive research, I have come to the conclusion that nothing is good. Well, "bird" can be "Alitis," which isn't all that great. Chauven it is, then.

Oh, bwahaha. You're always one step ahead of me, Jerenda dear. Chauven does mean hawk. Brilliant.

quote:

and them some.

"then some."

More later--I have to finish the bibliography for a position paper for Model UN.

AQ	Post #: 29

12/15/2008 4:43:19

Crimzon5
Member

Read chapter 2:

spoiler:

Some how, I keep on imagining her as a harpy

_____________________________

Can you see the Visions?

Post #: 30

12/16/2008 20:09:34

jerenda
Member

Yay!!! Comments!! *huggles Vida and Crimzon* Thanks!

Vida first.

1. Ah. I see the problem. Fixing.

2. Since you and Flight agree that it has problems, and none of you seem to know what a knife hand is (of course they don't you idiot) I shall drastically change that sentence.

Rawr. I don't like it either- Astor was better- but I can't have two A's and two T's.

Hahahahaha. *pokes Vida affectionately* Silly Vida. Of course it means hawk. =P

3. Fixing.

Crimzon now!

Haha, I suppose that's what I get for giving her huge wings and a temper to match. ^_^

Post #: 31

12/16/2008 21:04:05

Firefly
Lore-ian

...I'll be reading this soon, but why did you ignore my edits until Nex pointed it out? I caught the first typo and you said you'll fix it later or something. Hopefully you didn't miss the rest of the critique the same way.

None of us know what a knife hand is? Perhaps you meant karate chop, unless you mean "the hand that held the knife" in which case I'll have to reread it (a third time) to realize that.

AQ	Post #: 32

12/20/2008 18:10:21

jerenda
Member

No, it's not like that at all. I'm just incredibly lazy and slow, and Thursday decided to go through and incorperate all the critiques you amazing people have given me.

Meh... it's just a karate term. Not important. I was trying to keep them out of the story, but I'm not so good at doing that. (The idiot referred to in the above post is me, of course.) I was going to change it anyways.

Post #: 33

12/20/2008 18:41:01

Alixander Fey
Member

Lol. Hi Jerry! I still love this story lol. You haven't gotten too far, huh? I should catch up soon.

DF	Post #: 34

12/21/2008 17:21:02

Firefly
Lore-ian

Read Chapter Seven. The general mechanics and sentence formation were really nice. I liked how the thing flowed and how you made everything neat and trim. The general error I spotted was perhaps lack of actions and description, though perhaps that tied in with the neat and trimness. The trick is to describe without getting wordy. Yeah, I know it's hard, but it currently is a bit lacking. For example, when they're talking, it'll sound less like infodump if you have Arden doing some little actions while she explains. Specific errors are some coding problems and grammar issues.

I'm a bit confused as to why they want to kill each other. First you say it's because eagles and hawks are natural enemies. Then you say it's because Changelings naturally just want to kill everything. Though, I did like the name thing, btw. ;)

quote:

Chauven muttered something unintelligleble

Unintelligible, I believe, and I don't think this is simply a difference in our spellchecks.

quote:

Arden wouldn’t kill me, that’s just the hawk talking. Arden’s too nice… then she hesitated.

Hmm, do I smell a comma splice? Those parts are independent clauses, so I think a semicolon is in order...
I don't think that part is a speech tag because hesitating is a separate action, not a way of talking. Thus, I think "then" needs to be capitalized.

quote:

:You’ll get used to it.: Arden answered heartlessly, undergoing her own Change.

:You’re a cruel, horrible person, you know that?: Chauven asked her, fierce hawk eyes betraying no emotion.

I suspect the bolded parts shouldn't be italicized. Oh, and I really suggest you change "asked" into "said" because she's basically asking a retorical question, explaining her side, without really believing whatever Arden answers. Asked weakens it a lot, imo.

There may be a few other iffy places, but I can't find them now. Overall, I enjoyed it. Just watch out for the stuff I mentioned in the first paragraph.

AQ	Post #: 35

12/22/2008 16:46:43

jerenda
Member

Okay, I'll get Arden to move around more. That part did seem sort of dead. At least it flowed. ^_^

Um... I think it's both. The hawk wants to kill the eagle. (Which may or may not be accurate.) The Changeling just wants to kill. See? That's probably dumb. I'll fix it. Really? See, now I thought that part was really cheesy. I'm glad you liked it.

Oh, I don't like that word. It has far to many letters that all look the same.

Will fix.

Oops. ^_^ You're absolutely right. And I suppose I shall have to change the asked as well.

Thanks for reading, Flight. *huggles*

Post #: 36

12/22/2008 21:51:00

Firefly
Lore-ian

*rehuggles back*

I had a feeling that it might've been both, as in, both the Changelings and the hawk/eagle thing, but it seemed a bit scattered and unclear, imo.

Lol, the moment I read the "unintelligleble" I realized it might've had some extra letters. =P I entered it into spellcheck for fun and it was so off that it didn't even have suggestions. So I fiddled and corrected it myself. =P

Moar? (As in, a chance to leave Alix (more) behind? =P)

AQ	Post #: 37

12/23/2008 16:54:51

jerenda
Member

I fixed everything!! Every critique I've ever gotten from the start of this thread! *cheers* And in doing so probably created more mistakes than I fixed. But anyways. Tell me, is the wanting to kill motive is clear enough now, or do I need to just get rid of the hawk/eagle thing altogether?

It didn't even have suggestions? *laughter* That's really bad. I must have messed up quite terribly this time. ^_^

Um, okay... I've finished correcting this story and Haunting Twilight, so I suppose I can work on part 2 of this. ^_^ That, or my latest vampire story. Into the Night does need love.

Post #: 38

12/23/2008 17:01:51

Firefly
Lore-ian

No, I like the hawk thing, it's clear enough. The problem I mainly see with it is that it's kinda wordy and sounds a bit too informal. Lemme see...

quote:

Being half-hawk as you are, and so untrained, you really don't get along with the eagles, your natural enemies. Besides that, you're a Changeling, a natural-born killer.

"Being a half-hawk, and untrained, you are bound to attacks eagles--your natural enemies. Besides, you're a Changeling, a natural killer." Ack, that repeats "natural" still but I really can't think of how to get rid of it...

AQ	Post #: 39

12/23/2008 17:46:51

jerenda
Member

Meh, alright. I shall steal your adjustments.

There. Now my editing is complete. =P

Locked, as per request.

< Message edited by Eukara Vox -- 8/5/2010 15:36:24 >

Post #: 40

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