jerenda
Member
|
Caelestia has a story? Cool! I think I'll read this.
Hey, there's something you seem to have overlooked or forgotton or something. In speech, you always need to end with punctuation, usually a comma, but sometimes a question mark or exclamation point depending on the sentance. You can end with a period if you want to emphasize the flat tone they're using; ex-
"How exiting." She turned as if to go.
Or to use you as an example,
quote:
“that will never do, its to incredibly overdone. If there is one thing I cannot abide its cliché” It's okay to put a period at the end of that because that is the end of the sentance and there's nothing after. Also, "that" needs to be capitalized because it's the start of a new sentance.
Most sentances that would end in periods change to commas in speech- for example;
"“As if that’s any better,” Falerin said, scowling at the screen severely. “That simply won’t do either.” (Note the other comma and period I added.)
Ya see? Moving on.
quote:
Falerin said glancing at the screen before him with a frown on his face. Most people put a comma between "said" and "glancing".
quote:
“And we start well for lack of a better place we will start here… That makes no sense at all. He's going to start well for lack of a better place? Confusing.
quote:
In the beginning, there was Therlion, no one knows where Therlion on came from, or at least no one that’s telling, suffice to say that he was there, but nothing else was yet. O.o Massive run-on. Break that up into three, or at least two sentences.
quote:
Finding none nearby he did what many a young creator would do and he made one. That made me smile. Nice.
quote:
...and said some important words. "Some important words?" Puh-lease. This is coming from the guy who- in his day-to-day posts- uses words even I have to look up, and you just said "some important words"? Give me a break. At least describe the way they sounded or something. Oh, and while you're at it, could you tell us what Therlion looks like? Thanks. ^_^
... and the next sentence has 70 words. Count 'em. 70. Okay, there's no way you're doing that on accident. I shall assume the run-on sentances are part of the style and ignore the rest of them. If they're not, well, here's me telling you those are run-on and to fix them. =P
quote:
“Who are you to tell This story anyway you weren’t even there? No capitalization needed on the word "this". On the next sentance don't capitalize "brother".
quote:
After all of this creating Therlion was even more tired then when he began so he found a
hole in the rock and covered himself up inside and fell asleep. I think you hit the "enter" key instead of the space bar here. ^_^ Hey, how is there room for him to sleep in the rock if he made it as a pillow? Or is he just messing with spacial dimensions to make a hole?
Why are all the numbers capitalized? That makes no sense.
quote:
and decided that it really had to fit in with the rest of the multiverse, so they shaped a whole, somewhere near the center, and shoved the rock in. This reasoning of everyone else astounds me. Oh, random rock. Let's do stuff to it. It's great. ^_^ Oh, and "hole" not "whole".
quote:
After awhile the rocks people Perhaps you want to capitalize Rocks People or something to make it clear that it's the people doing this, not the rocks. ^_^
Y'know, I'm picturing this as a barren rock, and all of a sudden there are people on it, and cities, and suddenly dragons, and stuff. I suggest describing the changes that happened to this rock- via the wizards, natural forces, or immortal beings- to make it inhabitable.
quote:
took control in Therlion’s absence- of course the events herein had bearing on that, and on an awful lot of other things too. Dash added for clarity.
Okay, I'm done. Not gonna read anymore now. My big things are A) Punctuation! Commas can be very helpful. Periods are also useful. B) Description! I need to know what this stuff looks like. Remember, just because you can see it doesn't mean I can. C) Run-ons! Sheesh, Fal, only two independant clauses per sentance. Please.
Yeah, that's all. On the plus side, this sounds like a really interesting story. I may read more later. The multiple gods thing is making me slightly uncomfortable, but if I decide the plot will outweigh the religion I'll read it. No guarantees, though. 
|
Printable Version
Icon Legend
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread
