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Caelestia: A Novel Comments and Criticism Thread

 
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7/15/2008 13:05:29   
Falerin
Legendary Loremaster


http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=14262910

A story of Caelestian Magic.
Post #: 1
7/16/2008 21:22:04   
jerenda
Member

Caelestia has a story? Cool! I think I'll read this.

Hey, there's something you seem to have overlooked or forgotton or something. In speech, you always need to end with punctuation, usually a comma, but sometimes a question mark or exclamation point depending on the sentance. You can end with a period if you want to emphasize the flat tone they're using; ex-

"How exiting." She turned as if to go.

Or to use you as an example,
quote:

“that will never do, its to incredibly overdone. If there is one thing I cannot abide its cliché”
It's okay to put a period at the end of that because that is the end of the sentance and there's nothing after. Also, "that" needs to be capitalized because it's the start of a new sentance.

Most sentances that would end in periods change to commas in speech- for example;
"“As if that’s any better,” Falerin said, scowling at the screen severely. “That simply won’t do either.” (Note the other comma and period I added.)

Ya see? Moving on.

quote:

Falerin said glancing at the screen before him with a frown on his face.
Most people put a comma between "said" and "glancing".

quote:

“And we start well for lack of a better place we will start here…
That makes no sense at all. He's going to start well for lack of a better place? Confusing.

quote:

In the beginning, there was Therlion, no one knows where Therlion on came from, or at least no one that’s telling, suffice to say that he was there, but nothing else was yet.
O.o Massive run-on. Break that up into three, or at least two sentences.

quote:

Finding none nearby he did what many a young creator would do and he made one.
That made me smile. Nice.

quote:

...and said some important words.
"Some important words?" Puh-lease. This is coming from the guy who- in his day-to-day posts- uses words even I have to look up, and you just said "some important words"? Give me a break. At least describe the way they sounded or something. Oh, and while you're at it, could you tell us what Therlion looks like? Thanks. ^_^

... and the next sentence has 70 words. Count 'em. 70. Okay, there's no way you're doing that on accident. I shall assume the run-on sentances are part of the style and ignore the rest of them. If they're not, well, here's me telling you those are run-on and to fix them. =P

quote:

“Who are you to tell This story anyway you weren’t even there?
No capitalization needed on the word "this". On the next sentance don't capitalize "brother".

quote:

After all of this creating Therlion was even more tired then when he began so he found a
hole in the rock and covered himself up inside and fell asleep.
I think you hit the "enter" key instead of the space bar here. ^_^ Hey, how is there room for him to sleep in the rock if he made it as a pillow? Or is he just messing with spacial dimensions to make a hole?

Why are all the numbers capitalized? That makes no sense.

quote:

and decided that it really had to fit in with the rest of the multiverse, so they shaped a whole, somewhere near the center, and shoved the rock in.
This reasoning of everyone else astounds me. Oh, random rock. Let's do stuff to it. It's great. ^_^ Oh, and "hole" not "whole".

quote:

After awhile the rocks people
Perhaps you want to capitalize Rocks People or something to make it clear that it's the people doing this, not the rocks. ^_^

Y'know, I'm picturing this as a barren rock, and all of a sudden there are people on it, and cities, and suddenly dragons, and stuff. I suggest describing the changes that happened to this rock- via the wizards, natural forces, or immortal beings- to make it inhabitable.

quote:

took control in Therlion’s absence- of course the events herein had bearing on that, and on an awful lot of other things too.
Dash added for clarity.

Okay, I'm done. Not gonna read anymore now. My big things are A) Punctuation! Commas can be very helpful. Periods are also useful. B) Description! I need to know what this stuff looks like. Remember, just because you can see it doesn't mean I can. C) Run-ons! Sheesh, Fal, only two independant clauses per sentance. Please.

Yeah, that's all. On the plus side, this sounds like a really interesting story. I may read more later. The multiple gods thing is making me slightly uncomfortable, but if I decide the plot will outweigh the religion I'll read it. No guarantees, though.
AQ DF  Post #: 2
7/16/2008 23:31:34   
Falerin
Legendary Loremaster


Firstly, the story is very old... and completely unedited. Secondly, I will not remove the runons because they reflect te way the speech of that character proceeds. Some of the other things like the capitalized This are deliberate too. They are meant to show emphasis back when I lacked italicization. I will redo them eventually. As to the rest I will get to it sooner or later. As for the multiple god things you dislike stories about Greek Myth too? Thats unfortunate that you restrict yourself so artificially.

I do thank you for taking the time to read what you have and give feedback.

< Message edited by Falerin -- 7/16/2008 23:34:29 >
Post #: 3
7/17/2008 1:15:08   
jerenda
Member

Ah, good. I was beginning to fear for the sanity of the universe.

I eventually caught on...

I actually love Greek myths. I can deal with multiple gods... it just takes me a bit of time to deal with the idea.

Hope I wasn't too blunt, but I decided skirting around the roses would help no one and probably end up confusing me.

*grin* You're welcome. I'll check back in a while... assuming I haven't totally alienated you by now.

_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 4
7/17/2008 17:43:21   
Cheddar
Member

Oooh! A story about Caelestia? After reading the first four chapters, I have decided I will continue reading as you update it.

Anyway, I unfortunately do not have any criticism that jerenda did not cover already [though, I am completely fine with the idea of multiple gods in a story, as I am agnostic]. Oh, except maybe, shouldn't you seperate chapters by seperate posts? Anyway, onceyou post up more chapters, maybe I could find something to criticize.

PS. Off topic - Have you ever thought of making a game based on Caelestia?

< Message edited by Cheddar -- 7/17/2008 17:44:01 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 5
7/18/2008 2:19:19   
Falerin
Legendary Loremaster


I have several games based on Caelestia. A number of RP settings are based there including the Current RP in #Darkabode on Caelestia.net. In addition we had a Mud for many years called farpoint set on Caelestia.
Post #: 6
7/18/2008 2:57:51   
Cheddar
Member

Ah. Right. I should have specified. Any browser-based web games is what I meant. Rather than text-based RPs. Also, by Mud, are you referring to this? Also, what happened to it? Sorry for getting so off topic. After this I will try to focus on comments based on the story =P.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 7
7/27/2008 19:08:17   
Falerin
Legendary Loremaster


By mud I am refering to that yes.
Post #: 8
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