RE: Think, Question, Repeat (If Desired)/Stripes


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3/16/2009 12:36:31

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Firebird - A love-ish poem. If it's bad, that's probably because I've never actually been in love. But at times I write about it; go figure.

Post #: 76

3/23/2009 13:40:27

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Update. The Easy Way and I Am Never Enough

Post #: 77

3/25/2009 18:19:43

Arthur The Brave One
Member

Hello there, my cow faced friend. You might have noticed I haven't really been 'around' lately, but here I succeeded at sneaking in, and am as such commenting on your poetry! Huzzah! 8D

Both 'The Easy Way' and 'I Am Never Enough' were excellent. Couldn't find any errors, really (dammit >.>). So that means another good job from you :)
I really should get around to nominating you for PotM some time.... sorry I haven't yet >.> busy, busy, busy... and if I'm not, I'm probably dumbing down my brains with video games.

But still, I enjoyed reading some of your work again. Rock on! Well... sorta...

/Arthur.

Ps: Still wondering, but.... why did you start a new collection? And why did you call it Stripes? *puzzled look*

Post #: 78

3/26/2009 11:35:33

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Thanks again for your comment! I admit to laziness myself; I've fallen behind on commenting people's poetry. D:
I started a new one because I had planned on trying to publish Think, Question, Repeat (If Desired). However, since most of them deal with politicians who are no longer in office, it seems a tad late... Stripes refers to the striations on the back of someone who has been whipped harshly.

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 11/2/2009 11:47:12 >

Post #: 79

4/2/2009 12:17:00

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

The folks down at Igneus made a poem to commemorate their Paxia war strategy, Operation: Blazing Sol. I liked it, so I decided to commemorate their commemoration with a poem of my own. Untitled Igneus Poem - Great title, huh? First ever AQ-based poem I've written (as well as the first ever even semi-glorifying war).

Post #: 80

4/3/2009 10:23:33

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

I have just written my first ever political satire. The Army of Congress.

Post #: 81

4/4/2009 4:13:52

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hello! It's been awhile.

This time, I read Lesser Shades of Grey, Firebird & The Easy Way .

Here comes some comments, my opinions only, as always. =P

My absolute favourite of these three was the first one. Not that I have any real complaints about the others; I think I just connected the best with the Lesser Shades of Grey. Putting that piece under a microscope, I see that the components of the poem are pretty simple (eg. the rhyme back-black), but as the tension carries throughout the compact poem, it does have a strong impact.

Firebird was an interesting read, as I didn't interpret it to be about /romantic/ love at all. I don't know if you see that as a flaw, since you told it was a love-ish poem. However, the reader may sometimes read something quite different. So, I don't think it to be bad, in fact, eg these lines are wonderful:

quote:

Fly away from me,
I only chain thee
With what I sing.

I started to think a protective relationship. Like a parent - child. Odd?

The Easy Way is a particularly thoughtful piece - with a heart. I was going to suggest a little edit to the last line until I realised that it wouldn't work:
'Why seek an easier way?' The reason for this suggestion was my usual yapping: to replace one word (ask) with a stronger one (seek). But then I realised that if one /seeks/ for an easier way, then one is actually fighting for it, doing something and not just waiting for it to be given for free (asking). So I guess the original is better. Of course, 'demand' would also be stronger than 'ask' but then the tone of the poem isn't quite the match for that word to be in the ending line. Ooops, I'm ranting. I'll stop now.

Did I already say that the second stanza is wonderful? No? Well I say it now: The second stanza is wonderful!

quote:

Give me something to hope for,
Something I can dream about,
A jail from which I can break out,
A mind that is not worn-out,
Let me end what I cannot.

DF	Post #: 82

4/5/2009 16:31:05

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

I was lucky enough to have a brief Internet connection during Spring Break (I think I'm going to Florida for a few days! :D), and this was a nice surprise for me. I'm very glad that you liked all three of them. As to Firebird, I see what you mean; the reason that I said "love-ish" was because it wasn't entirely a romantic poem to me. My intent was more-or-less a poem about releasing leftover emotions for people whom you used to care about, but due to circumstances can no longer be close to (or choose to be away from). Thanks very much!

Post #: 83

4/14/2009 12:24:41

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

A new poem, Labor's Reward. No, I'm not going back to just four-line stanzas in my poetry. =P

Other news: I self-published my first collection, but really just for copyright reasons. So now I can add ©Cow Face to it!

Post #: 84

4/15/2009 17:51:54

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

A new poem, dedicated to a man who changed me, even in just the few days we have known each other so far. Guardian Smile

Post #: 85

4/18/2009 15:48:24

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi again!

So, where's the publication party? =P

Anyways, read Labor's Reward. Very nice. Loved this part especially,

quote:

With every new rain,
His hopes again soared.
When crops would wither,
His anguish outpoured.

where you tie the first line and the last line together, contrasting rain and outpouring anguish. Or, define 'anguish' as a liquid substance. It takes 5 stanzas for the persona to work until he sees some results and only one stanza to destroy it. Quite impactful, really.

I have to confess I had some trouble with Guardian Smile. Nothing wrong with the poem itself, I bet that maybe the poem is just enough on the personal side to left me out as a random reader. Make no mistake, I'm not bashing it. As I look at the lines, I can see you have wonderful wording there, but I feel like I can't understand fully what is said beyond the gratitude.

See you around!

DF	Post #: 86

4/20/2009 11:40:59

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

The party doesn't exist; I just self-published it for free. Lazeh Cow Face is lazeh.
Wow, you actually read further into that stanza than I did! That's a far better interpretation than I had. Glad you liked it!
Mm, I can see why you might have trouble with that. I didn't expect people to fully understand it; to do so, you would have to have been as involved with the man as I am. I was mainly posting it in case anyone had any ideas to improve upon wording. Thanks very much for your comment!

(Lazeh Cow Face is lazeh, but he'll be commenting on more poetry soon, he promises! Rlysrs!)

Post #: 87

4/20/2009 12:56:40

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Heya Cow Face!
Reading the last five poems and promising to keep up with your work, though warning you not to take that promise too seriously.

Starting from From Forge to Flames all the way down to Guardian Smile.

From Forge to Flames:
Nothing to comment on here. Except of course the quality, which is quite excellent.

Labor's Reward:
Great also, at the risk of me sounding repetative. Without delving into ideology too much, I'ma go ahead and guess socialism has its appeal to you.

Guardian smile:
4:

quote:

With what I used to think I know.

think I knew.
Seems to me you can make that adjustment without worries for any rhyme schemes, etc.

Again, great poem!

Seems we both suffer from the same plague; laziness. Like I said, I will try to keep up, but this is no promise!

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 11/2/2009 11:48:21 >

AQ	Post #: 88

4/20/2009 17:10:18

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Thanks for the corrections, I'll deal with them one-at-a-time.

1) How does "But in here, they're the only sound" sound?
2) Here, I'm using "so much" in the sense that you might say "They are removed from the body of the government like so many splinters." Hard to define that, but I'll consider changing it.
3) Heh, that was actually more-or-less my inspiration for that line. Among with other movies and such. I was putting it in there as an attempt at dark humor.
4) Thanks, that had been bothering me. I actually wondered about it for about two minutes, and just decided to leave it be and see what you all thought.

Other notes:
Yes, I am more-or-less a democratic socialist. Not entirely, but in many ways (I'm also a conflict theorist; conflict theory has many roots in Marxist theory.)
Thanks very much for the comment!

Post #: 89

4/20/2009 17:34:37

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

All accepted, agreed with, and the like.

You are welcome.

Keep 'em comming!

AQ	Post #: 90

4/27/2009 12:44:26

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

New poem, which constitutes my first ever "series." This is a prequel to Guardian Smile, so I re-arranged them in chronological order. Hollow, False Wings

Post #: 91

4/27/2009 20:19:35

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Making a promise come true, for a change.

quote:

With my teeth and with my talons,
I try to save those who call on
This soul which I deem a Dragon.

Feeling a bit of a flow flaw in the second line there. Like there's a syllable missing?

Anywho. Nice poem yet again. Thank you for sharing.

Edit: Look how I am rewarded for making the promise come true! I get a page! ~~Claimed for 20 minutes past two hours past midnight; as good a time to critique as any.~~ Page claiming is not allowed. - Cow Face

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 6/3/2009 13:14:35 >

AQ	Post #: 92

4/28/2009 10:36:08

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Hey, thanks for the comment! You're right; though it matches the 8/8/8 syllable count, it doesn't flow well, probably 'cause I fragmented the sentence for the sake of syllables.

Also, another new poem, Logic. I recently found out that one of my online names, Xor, is a logic function. This seems... ironic to me, given my penchant for logic killing my emotion, which I am trying to change.

Post #: 93

4/28/2009 16:21:30

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

No offence, but: What are you planning to do about it (if anything)? XP

Logic:

quote:

"Why are you content? What do you believe?"
"Logic," I smiled, "makes me not grieve."

Should logic not be neutral emotionally, rather than be pleasurable? Of course you can get pleasure out of following logic rather than emotion (ironically), but this seems slightly out of tune with the overall poem.

Very nice. Very recognizable (the tragic ending included, sadly). However, the irony of blocking out emotion for the sake of logic will make you grief in the end, seems to come out in a weird way. By which I mean the combination of logic making you first content, then stoic,then dead inside, it seems, randomly and interchangeably. Perhaps you ought to try harder to make a flow, from it making you happy to stoic to dead inside/aggrieved, keeping the smiling in there, because that continuity does work.
*Wonders if any of the above makes sense*
*Hits "OK" anyway*

_____________________________

AQ	Post #: 94

4/29/2009 10:59:01

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Oh, I am planning on doing something about it; I've been thinking about what to change it to.
The idea behind that line is that for two years, I had been lying to myself, telling myself that logic prevents me from being sad. What was in reality occurring was that I was wiping out all emotion, and so I wasn't feeling pain- but I also wasn't happy. I'll try to re-arrange them to fit that, that's a good idea.

Edit: Logic's verses have been re-arranged, how does this look?
Edit II: Changed the verse containing the non-flowing line; is this an improvement?

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 4/29/2009 12:43:34 >

Post #: 95

4/30/2009 9:58:53

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Agreed and agreed.

Thus Spoke Gwoonjustin!

AQ	Post #: 96

5/3/2009 18:01:28

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

One More Dilemma

I'm going through a weird bit of life, so my poems may not be making much sense; if not, I apologize.

Post #: 97

5/4/2009 7:46:44

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

I had already read this, but was somehow distracted out of commenting upon it.

Very relatable, so to say. That feeling of not being part of the world around you, floating above it and watching it in bewilderment...Story of my life.

AQ	Post #: 98

5/4/2009 11:42:48

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Exactly. I said just yesterday, "At times I feel like the only sane person left... but then I wonder what sanity is."

New poem, this one a lament for the lies I have told to someone I care about, in the name of protecting him from me. I Want You To Know

Post #: 99

5/4/2009 17:02:57

Firefly
Lore-ian

Just read your newest poem. Very powerful feelings you're portraying, and most of it flowed really well. You're great at capturing emotions and writing them in a poem that readers can relate to. Just a few comments on individual lines.

quote:

To admit that I am scarred!

Just making sure you really meant to type "scarred" and not "scared" Both work, just checking...

quote:

To stop my trying to hide,

This is slightly awkward and confusing. How about "To stop myself from trying to hide"?

quote:

Or am I simply too rough

This doesn't deliver the right impact and feels like a forced rhyme. Perhaps "Or am I too busy playing tough"?

quote:

Tear right down, past even bone?

I understand what you mean but the last three words are just... awkward. "past my bones" might give off a different feeling than you intended but it makes greater grammatical sense.

quote:

A plaything of the giants

Since there's an "of" in the next line, perhaps you can change this one to "for" which makes more sense anyways.

AQ	Post #: 100

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