RE: Think, Question, Repeat (If Desired)/Stripes


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5/5/2009 6:09:02

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

I got lazy, and beaten to the punch. And by the grammar-nazi no less.
So yeah, nothing to add to her comments.

I enjoyed it, again, though I know little of the cause of you writing this, so I may not get some of the deeper layers.

AQ	Post #: 101

5/5/2009 14:49:39

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Thank you both for the comments! The purpose of this was an apology to someone I shouldn't have deceived; there really aren't any deeper layers that I intended. For once, I managed to bridle my non-angered emotions into a poem.

1) Scarred is what I intended, yes.
2) I'm a slave to syllables, but I agree... how does "To stop from trying to hide" sound?
3) This is another where it goes against my intended syllable count; nonetheless, I think that your suggestion would sound better there, so I shall change it to that. Fixed.
4) How well does "Tear right down, beyond my bones" flow?
5) You're right, I missed that second one. I shall fix it. Fixed.

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 5/5/2009 14:50:22 >

Post #: 102

5/5/2009 15:31:37

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

Just a short comment about One More Dilemma:

The second and last stanzas stand out to me the most. The second one is something I can easily relate to and you've chosen fitting words; the last stanza makes a powerful finale imo.

I wonder about the fourth stanza:

quote:

Why can't we know
How to mend souls?
Will we ever heal,
Can't we fix it,
Or can we just kill?

I'm a little lost at here, since the previous lines are in plural, 'we' and 'souls' and here the reference 'it' is in singular. So I was thinking if the 'it' could be replaced by 'this' since that would refer more to the fact of not being able to fix the current state of affairs rather than the 'it' which, at least in my head, would refer to a single noun. Or am I completely delusional?

I considered suggesting 'Can't we be fixed,' but then I realised that it would change the syllable count...

DF	Post #: 103

5/5/2009 16:45:30

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Actually, that wouldn't, and that would better fit with the message I am trying to send. Thanks, I'll change that! Fixed.

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 5/5/2009 16:49:01 >

Post #: 104

5/5/2009 17:14:40

Firefly
Lore-ian

Response to the comment on my comment:

2) Sounds fine.
4) I prefer "past" to "beyond" because "past seems to fit better in the physical sense of "bone" but it's your call. They both work.

AQ	Post #: 105

5/5/2009 17:50:39

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Alright, I'll go ahead and edit them. Thanks again for the advice! Both fixed.

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 5/5/2009 17:51:47 >

Post #: 106

5/6/2009 13:31:02

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Vast Shoes
I definitely have some to fill.

Post #: 107

5/8/2009 10:21:27

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Hey. I'm gonna be sneaky and congratulate you here, and wish you good luck. (<That was it already. Sneaky, eh?XP)

I'm sure you'll do just fine, CowFace :). Glad to see your chains haven't kept you from picking up a pen. Even if it's a proverbial pen.

AQ	Post #: 108

5/11/2009 13:53:16

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Aww, thanks! =)

New poem, this is the beginning of a larger one, though it stands alone. This Thing Called Human: The Empty Man

Post #: 109

5/12/2009 8:37:56

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

I'm curious about the set already! *is extra nice, fearing a whip or some similarly painful tool of governance*

Still really nitpicky though. At the intro, for example:

quote:

all who have been effected by the many systems in life.

all of whom

quote:

His goal to win
Was how he'd begin
Every day of his lost life.

The triple he isn't that bad here, but "his goal to win was how he'd begin" sounds kind of weird.
Maybe the goal to win?
Dunno, it still sounds weird. Maybe that sentence requires some greater alteration...?

quote:

For speed would he strive,

he would strive
suits the usage of verb+he overall in the poem better, IMO

quote:

Madly he'd drive,
For speed would he strive,
As he charged along to work.
He felt so bleak,
Yet he would not speak
Of that which was driving him.

Maybe italics for the last word, 'him', there?

Hope this helps a little.

Anyway, I'm sorry, but aside from nitpicking I tend to be very positive about people's poetry as a whole, offering little useful suggestions on style, theme, etc. Whether this is a sign of my weakness or your strength I'll leave for you to judge XD. Obviously, I'd think the latter.
(in other words: AWESOME!)

AQ	Post #: 110

5/12/2009 11:33:47

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Ohaider. Thanks for the comment, I'll address them one-by-one.

1) Drat, I'm still not good with who/whom. Fixed.
2) I agree; I don't know what to change it to yet, but I'm brainstorming. Update: How does "Intent to win / Was how he'd begin / Every day of his lost life." sound?
3) That's true. Fixed.
4) Argh, I had it italicised in the original Works Word document, and forgot to add the tags here. e_e Fixed.

I enjoy people nitpicking my poems; any little flaw needs to be fixed. =)

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 5/14/2009 12:49:56 >

Post #: 111

5/15/2009 10:09:48

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

We have seen one who creates systems in life, now we shall examine one who defends those systems with her life. The Dying Warrior has been written.

Post #: 112

5/17/2009 13:16:35

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Heyas,

Would you mind hyperlinking to the series in each post that announces the arrival of a new compenent? My laziness and I thank thee!

I'm liking this series more and more.

Only two comments on the intro XP:

quote:

One creates them, one defends them, one fights them, one accepts them, and one is destroyed by them. The first is already complete.

Firstly, if the next one is called The Decadent Slave, wouldn't it be "one accepts them"? So that that one would be the third. I know, it doesn't really matter. But oh well.
Secondly: The second is also complete now.

AQ	Post #: 113

5/19/2009 9:47:38

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

If you mean hyperlink the post itself, yes. I can't link to the individual poems, though, since they're all in one post.
I didn't write them out in order; I was trying for maximum impact in that sentence, with the "destroyed by" being last, even though it shall actually be second-to-last. I'll change the order of those two though. Fixed.
Whoops, you're right, thanks. Fixed.

Glad you're liking it; I've been writing speeches and such recently, but I should get back on them before too long.

Post #: 114

5/26/2009 10:46:23

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Two updates: This Thing Called Human has been updated, and a new poem, A Mask, Shattered.

Post #: 115

5/26/2009 13:19:57

gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month

Hey,

I dropped in your thread to check out your new stuff. But while I did that, I thought of something: You know how you spoke about maximum impact being the reason you chose this order in the introduction to This Thing Called Human? Well, maybe, once you've finished writing them all, you could put them in that order too, for the same impact. Hmm?

Onwards to the new stuff!

quote:

Though it causes my pain.

Causes me pain?
Not necessary, but I got the impression here that you may have meant "me"...

Hmm, brief but powerful. Though the imagery of the mask is perhaps kept too vague, taking away a bit of the power of the symbolism... Also, the sentence with "bounds", that one seemed rather forced to me, for some reason... Added to that is the fact it's the only half-rhyme, so a change might cause some improvement here. Perhaps the word dawn could help you do that.

AQ	Post #: 116

5/27/2009 17:38:39

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Well, I might... I'll leave the last one the last one, though; it's a fitting conclusion (spoiler: it's the only happy one!).

What I was saying was that "It causes the pain that I feel." However, "... causes me pain" would also fit, so I might change that. Fixed. Well, changed, anyway.
You're right, I'll work on fixing that.
Again, I agree, and I'll try to think of a cure.

< Message edited by Cow Face -- 5/27/2009 17:41:54 >

Post #: 117

6/1/2009 13:54:12

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

I've added two verses to, and changed some of the wording of A Mask, Shattered. Ordinarily I wouldn't update for this, but it seems like a somewhat big change to me.

Post #: 118

6/8/2009 11:36:19

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

A Reflection's Reflection

Written some time ago, but I just now found it. Yes, it's cliche and trite, but it's also exactly the way I felt when I wrote it. :P
Oh, and I am going to finish This Thing Called Human. I just have writer's block for now.

Post #: 119

6/16/2009 10:29:06

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

This Thing Called Human - Updated!

While my 'net's been down, I at least got to write another poem.

Post #: 120

6/22/2009 17:59:25

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

Heartbeat - An experiment in abstract poetry. Still structured verse, though. It's really only semi-abstract, I guess.

Post #: 121

6/22/2009 19:07:36

not steve
Member

wow. wow...wow. that, felt good to read. i dont know how to describe it. it relay moves fast, but it was very good. it made me think of the chaos and confusion of a battle field. is that what it was about? well, it's abstract poetry so that is probably one of the things i could have took from it. incredible CF. ;) i cant believe i have never stopped by here before.

Post #: 122

7/6/2009 12:14:40

Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy

I'm very glad that you liked it! It's especially nice, given that it's my first ever foray into that genre.

Update: Forget, a song about people getting together to try to ignore their lot in life. Also, I've written another poem, but I'm going to wait until my birthday (the ninth) to post it. Secretive! :o

Post #: 123

7/6/2009 13:54:32

not steve
Member

I have surprizeingly few chritisisms for you. That isn't the case with me most of the time (forgive my spelling if it is flawed, the checker is down temporarily). I live a very nice life, too bad for the peopole in that poem XD. It made me kind of sad, there you go CF, your words moved me. Great job, anyway, your turning 9? Happy birthday whenever it is... (Dont wory, I understand what you mean, I just thought it would be funny to say that.)

Post #: 124

7/7/2009 5:39:06

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hello,

I decided to torture you again with some comments. =P

Heartbeat
Nice! I read it a few times, trying to find the correct rhythm, but I ended up off-beat each time, due to the structure. This is not a complaint, I'm just noting that it's an interesting part of the poem.

Forget
I interpreted this to be amazingly optimistic, given the theme. Is it more about actively trying to ignore the everyday life or not caring at the moment, with all friends around? Because for some reason, I'm thinking of the latter.

A little suggestion for you to consider and fire at will. =P Not that the lyrics needed to be changed, but what do you think about removing the word 'that' from the last line of each stanza? Imho, 'that' is a pretty choppy word, and those line could survive without it, although a little clarity might be lost.

DF	Post #: 125

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