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7/28/2008 22:09:43   
RATIONALPARANOIA
Member

Link To The Story: The Wolf's Rebellion

My latest foray into writing is actually a story that I've been planning for as long as I can remember. It's hard to fully explain the plot, but basically, it revolves around, as the title states, a rebellion in a fantasy kingdom, led by an infamous war criminal known as The Wolf. Many other things come into play, but that's the basic plot. Also, comments are much appreciated. If you liked the work, disliked the work, noticed some mistakes, etc. basically anything about the story, don't hesitate to say it here.

< Message edited by RATIONALPARANOIA -- 7/29/2008 14:38:01 >
AQ  Post #: 1
7/28/2008 23:10:29   
Sentharn
Member

Wow, I liked it! Very nicely written!

The only 'weird' sentence that threw me off slightly was, "We’re fighting our own countrymen, their minds set on treason." It kind of made me wonder, "who's minds are set on treason?" although it's obvious if you read it. It just seemed worded oddly to me.

Otherwise, very nice!

Write moar, damnit.

< Message edited by Sentharn -- 7/28/2008 23:25:16 >
Post #: 2
7/28/2008 23:40:38   
Coyote
Member

It's not bad. Good writing; I couldn't find grammatical errors when I read through. Then again, I usually don't catch too many unless I comb through a work. XP

But, well, there's the issue of passive voice that I mentioned to you through IRC. "He was doing something" works sometimes, but not all the time. You should /only/ use "was verbing" when what happened happened in the past. Y'know how stories are written in past tense? If they were written in present tense, all that "was verbing" would be in the past tense. So, in effect, the passive voice should be the past past tense. Y'know?

Also, "was" isn't a very strong verb. Overuse can make your story sound a little too passive. I personally like a little action in the stories I read. But, I guess, it's a pretty big part of your writing style. Just try not to overuse it too much, especially when describing. The "It was this" kind of description is what I call the "Pause the Game" description, or some variant on it. It's where you pause, everything around you freezes, you take in the scenery, and then it just starts again. It's the biggest killer of action scenes. Like, serial killer kind of big.

Other than that, I don't have much else to complain about. Maybe a few more of the "smaller" actions I lecture about. Pay attention to someone while you're chatting. You'll notice that they do physical things in response to what's going on, like maybe they furrow their brow, or glance off to the side, or something like that. Those kinds of smaller actions. If you integrate them into your story (and not just speech), it helps flesh out characters a little more. If you do it successfully, you can imply that a smile looks fake without having to actually say it looks fake. But that's pretty hard to do. >_>

Well, you do a good job sort of setting up the plotline. Which is good. In the first chapter, you don't want to set up /everything/. Set the stage, yes, but not set up. There's enough information to gather the gist of what's happening in the major plotlines. And I like that. You couldn't imagine how much pain I go through when trying to read webfiction and plotlines that weren't even hinted at (and probably never existed) in the first chapter quite literally pop out of nowhere somewhere in the middle (and a few times, at the very end, which caused me a lot of pain). *shudders* The horror...

< Message edited by Versilaryan -- 7/29/2008 1:31:23 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
7/29/2008 15:51:10   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Are you ready for this? Here comes angry ramble.

So, I made this really nice post. I had your story butchered in tiny pieces. There was barely a sentence I haven't commented on. Sure, it was only the first bits, but it was /extremely/ thorough. I was about to post it when the computer just froze. Froze. Nothing I could do but shut down every IE window without posting. So, I lost /all/ of the critique. All of it. Every little bit...

I'm going to go do something else for now and redo it when I cool down. Grr. Sorry, Rational.
AQ  Post #: 4
7/29/2008 21:40:37   
Amboo
October 2008 Poet of the Month...Woot!


quote:

Royal Kingdom of Karros, and it house both the royal

Houses?

quote:

her long black hair coming down over her face.


I would say Draping.

quote:

Sir Evan winked at Jon, and reached his hand towards his pocket. And towards his sword.

I find this a bit drawn out, How about "and reached his hand towards his pocket, and his sword"

quote:

“You’re supposed to be a knight!” she said. Tears were coming from her eyes now, in a long stream.

Seems too forced, "Tears now flowing from her eyes" should work just as well, I think.

Well this was hard, the story is really good. Now you have your comment happy? =P

< Message edited by amboo -- 7/29/2008 21:45:06 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
8/18/2008 16:04:49   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Alright, here's the deal. I'll be critiquing it on and off for a while due to the length of my critiques. I am not done unless I say I am at the end of the post.

Take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I will not be offended if you call me a blatant idiot and disagree with everything I have to say. =P Also, no matter how many things I find, it doesn't mean that I don't like the writing. ;)

I'm taking this apart line-by-line, both good and bad.

quote:

The day of the Grand Sowing Festival had come, and Limani had never looked more beautiful.

Hmm, I like the second clause. The first one... Is "day of the" really necessary? I mean, it's not very likely that there is confusion about whether it's day/night, or if it lasts for more than a day, or, ect. I think trimming it to "The Grand Sowing Festival had come, and Limani had never looked more beautiful." might be better. Your call. It's personal preference entirely.

quote:

Spring had truly come to the land.

Using "come" again? I think you can find another verb. "arrived at"? Or "descended upon"? Sometimes more fancy that isn't repeating the "come" from the previous sentence.

quote:

Roses and other fine flowers bloomed, as did new delicious fruits.

This seems a little vague. Didn't really paint a picture in my head, y'know? Also, the word choice could be stronger at times ("fine" isn't a fine word. =P). I'd also elaborate a bit more. Becomes a little wordy, but it's better imagery. I'm not a flower expert, so feel free to use something different from my terrible example, which is only giving a structural example, not a content one. "Roses, lillies, and tulips bloomed, dancing in the breeze that swept across the hills they resided on. Ripe, delicious new fruits covered the farmers' fields, from <insert fruit here, since I've no idea where your story takes place and what fruits they have> to <insert another fruit here>" Something to that degree, maybe.

quote:

All around Karros, farmers were preparing to plant their crops.

Hmm, it sounds fine. You can change "were preparing" to "prepared" here to reduce the amount of "was verbing" but it's not very bad here. Again, your call.

quote:

It was essential to the survival of Karros, and yet, Limani was the only city that celebrated it.

I don't like the excessive use of the verb to be once more here. I'd rephrase to get rid of "were." "The survival of Karros depended on it, and yet, Limani was the only city with this celebration." (I change the last part so that you aren't ending both clauses with "it" which gets redundant.)

quote:

Limani was the capital of the Royal Kingdom of Karros, and it housed both the royal family and the leaders of the Exalted Church of Aerion.

Okay... The problem here is, you ended the previous sentence with Limani pretty close to the end, so this phrasing sounded a bit redundant/awkward. I'd restructure this sentence to move the "Limani" back in the sentence. "Being the capital of the Royal Kingdom of Karros, Limani housed both the royal family and the leaders of the Exalted Church of Aerion." You can change "Being" to "As" though I prefer "Being." I do suggest you take out "Royal" in the "Royal Kingdom..." part since it's rather awkward with the other "royal" in the sentence, but it might be needed in the formal name.
Btw, Aerion... Nice name. ^_^

quote:

Countless Lords and Ladies had arrived for the event, intending to make a good impression upon King Josset Hargood.

Not sure if it's fine as is or if using "to" or "at" instead of "for" works better. Your call.
"upon" seems a tad clunky here. I'd use an ordinary "on." These fancy words, like "although" rather than "though", have to be used sparingly or they end up dragging down the writing.

quote:

That night, in the Grand Hall of Limani, there would be many conversations, and even more discarded bottles of wine.

Perhaps it's my fast speech, but I'd kill the last comma. The reason is a) the "and" makes the comma needless and b) you've used commas in the beginning of the sentence for something that needed it. Having commas here too weakens the strength of those commas along with overpausing the sentence.

quote:

This would be the King’s Royal Address, a speech in which he would announce important changes.

I'm not sure if "would be" is better fitting than a simple "was" here. It is happening later on, but it, even currently, /is/ the Royal Address, even if it didn't happen yet.... Am I making sense? Maybe I just think "would be" is too long and takes away from the more important parts of the sentence.
The last part is just... wordy. Too long and too many unnecessary words. Perhaps: "This was the King’s Royal Address, a speech announcing important changes." The would be/was isn't a big deal. The second comment is more important.

quote:

a royal marriage, new lordships, a declaration of war… anything.

It grammatically works either way, but perhaps capitalizing "anything" adds more impact? Depends on what effect you're trying for.

quote:

The King’s son, Prince Michael, was not with the King, however. Michael was traveling the streets of Limani

I quoted these sentence together because I'm suggesting a fix involving both of them. The problems are a) repetition of "Michael" b) (more importantly) awkward flow of first sentence. Kinda feels overpaused. I think it's the placing of "however" along with the parenthical aside of "Prince Michael." c) repetition of "King"
My suggestion: "However, the King’s son was not with him. Prince Michael was traveling the streets of Limani" Shortens out the unnecessary stuff and repetition.

quote:

It wasn’t too elaborate, simply a cloak with a hood, as well as some shirts and pants he had found in the Royal Stables.

Hmm, I'd change the first comma to a dash here. Seems better with emphasis than regular pausing, especially if you don't take my next suggestion.
I /do/ want you to take out the second comma entirely, but that's stylistic. It's just my personal preference of less commas. I read fast, and when I see a bunch of commas forcing me to pause, it slows me down. However, others are different, so this is purely my opinion.

quote:

The hood obscured his face, and his clothes made him look like just another commoner.

You might wanna try balancing the sentence here. It's a different effect--the current one is fine--but you can try this is you want. Just change the "his clothes" to "the clothes" or "The hood" to "His hood." I highly recommend the former over the latter.
"just another" is a rather informal/weak wording, imo. How about "like any other commoner"?

quote:

But what would he expect?

I think think you're choosing the right words/phrasing this correctly. Impact not coming out right. Perhaps you meant. "But what else should he expect?" You can keep the "should" as "would" if you like, but "should" is the stronger word in this case.

quote:

These streets were full of vendors selling all sorts of food and goods, and were normally filled with people.

Now, lemme tell you about something I've learned. Words like "these" "that" "those" ect. a /very/ tempting to use. You always want to refer back, right? But, the truth is, 99% of the time, a simple "the" works /much/ better. Makes it less vague and stuff. It's not particularly bad here--you can keep this one if you like--but it's something to keep in mind for the future.
Okay, more importantly, I don't like the repetition of "full" in "filled" since they're basically the same word.
Also, I think "food and goods" weakens it. In most cases, a single thing as example is better than two examples. It's like using two metaphors to describe one object in the same sentence. Not something to do often.
And the way you're phrasing the last part... Sounds like there were /no/ people today, which isn't what you want.
Taking all this into context, perhaps change this sentence to: "The streets were jammed with vendors selling all sorts goods, and were filled with people even on regular days." (you can use "normal" if you want; I prefer "regular")

quote:

Today, it was near impossible to even walk through the streets, as stuffed as they were.

You use "street" both in the sentence before and the sentence after. It's getting a bit overuse. Perhaps rephrase this to "Today, it was near impossible to even walk due to the massive crowds." It's "weaker" but it does get rid of street. You can also take the easier but less accurate way out by simply changing "street" to "road" or something.

quote:

The sun shone bright upon him, and sweat rolled down his face and neck.

Heh, we were just talking about adverbs. "bright" imo is no better than a misplaced adverb. Not a good fix. I'd change it to something stronger so it wouldn't need "bright."
Again, I'd use "on" rather than "upon"
I'd take out the comma due to the presence of the "and" but it's your call.
Finally, "face and neck" is again weaker than either one or the other. In this case, simply saying "face" is enough for the audience to imagine that, after it rolls down his face, it'll roll down his neck.
The first and last points are the more important ones, btw. Anyways, I'd rewrite the sentence like this: "Sunlight streamed down on him and sweat rolled down his face."
Hmm, thinking about it now, it seems a bit "He died, and the sky was blue" -ish. If you'll allow me to take a bit more creative liberty, I'd change the joint of the sentence. "and" is perhaps the weakest conjunction there is. There's better stuff out there. "Sunlight streamed down on him, causing sweat to form on his skin before rolling down his face." (just "rolling down his face" makes little sense since it caused the formation rather than the movement. Or: "Sunlight poured down from the sky, matching the sweat rolling down his face." (I like this one, but it's a little different). Or: "Sunlight poured over his face, causing the beads of sweat on his face to glisten." Eh, bit wordy. Ah well. Anyways, I hope you like at least one of these suggestions.

quote:

He had been wandering these streets for around an hour now, looking for her.

While the "lost" connotation of this word fits, the "no goal" connotation doesn't fit. Perhaps another word, like "stalking"? Though, it's fine as is if you can't think of anything better.

quote:

So far, his search has been fruitless.

"had" I'm assuming it's a typo, 'cause I know you know your tenses. =P

quote:

The voice was but a whisper, but he heard it clearly

I don't like the "double-but" In fact, I don't like either of the buts period. "The voice was a mere whisper" might be better. flows nicer and is less clunky.
As for the second but, I think "yet" fits more, if you don't take the first suggestion. Gets rid of the double-but.
"The voice was a mere whisper, but he heard it clearly" "The voice was but a whisper, yet he heard it clearly" "The voice was a mere whisper, yet he heard it clearly"
I personally like the third option best.
If you'll allow a bit of creative liberty here, I'll go as far as perhaps changing it so "he" isn't in the sentence. It's current "stronger" but changing it to exclude it might make it more focused, as "the voice" will be the only subject here. "The voice was a mere whisper, yet it carried through the air clearly" Again, any but/yet and mere/but combinations are fine.

quote:

As the light came down upon her, he saw that she was laughing.

"came down" is a weak statement.
It's... a bit "He died, the sky was blue"-ish here. It's not that bad, but a rephrasing can't hurt.
"Light poured (use "streamed" if you used "poured" in the earlier suggestion of the sweat thing) down upon her, emphasizing her content features." (outright laughing seems unlikely, especially since you later say she was only smiling)

quote:

Michael always thought that she looked her best when she smiled.

Is "her" unnecessary? Your call.

quote:

He was at a loss for words. She was walking toward him, her long black hair coming down over her face.

The two sentences seem to lack transition. I'd make it into one sentence to stop that.
Also, why "was walking"? The "was verbing" stuff in the beginning made sense, but here, it's really just weakening it.
Also, "walking" isn't a good word either. Perhaps another more descriptive one?
"coming down" is weak. "come" is not a good verb.
You can use a more flowery word for black if you like, but that's only because I'm Firefly, the overuser of the word "ebony" =P
"He found himself lost for words as she strode toward him, her long black hair falling over her face. " (You can replace "falling" with something even fancier, like "tumbling," if you prefer)

quote:

She was also wearing a new dress of a dazzling purple color, a beautiful necklace draped around her neck.

Imo, the three weakest verbs to use, especially when describing people, are "was" "wore" and "had." And you used two of them here, so yeah. =P
I'd also ask you to describe her a bit more here, be it her figure, her face, her eyes, the shape of her dress, ect. You won't be able to show how beautiful she really is to justify Michael's feelings unless you make us, the readers, also believe she is beautiful.
The last clause seems to stick out of the sentence, like it wasn't joined properly.
Given what I have to work with, taking creative liberty. If the info I've got is wrong, obviously don't take my suggestion. Also, describe more, more, more!
"The swirls of a dazzling purple dress swept around her ankles as she approached on a pair of elegant high heels. The bodice tightened over her slender figure, leading to a collar just below an ornate silver necklace." Something that effect. Sorry if I got it wrong.

quote:

Combined with her laugh, it made her look more beautiful than Michael had ever seen her.

I think... this is just awkward. I'm not sure how to fix it. "Combined with her laugh, the outfit made her seem more beautiful than ever before." Not sure if that's much better.

Okay, I'm taking a break for now. I'll be back.

Back.

quote:

She grabbed him, and pulled him into the alleyway.

Firstly, pwease kill the comma. Pwease? I don't like the pause there at all... Short sentence, "and" makes the comma unnecessary.
Now, while the abrupt feeling might be what you're going for, I suggest you elaborate on the actions a bit more. I don't really have a picture of what exactly she's doing. Did her hands grasp his shoulders? Did her hair whirl around her when she tore into the alleyway? Ect. Elaborate! =P

quote:

With that unusual strength that she seemed to get when she was emotional, she forced him up against the wall.

99% of the time, "seem" isn't a good word to use. Only use if /really/ necessary. Same with stuff like "as if" "almost" ect.
"get" is a weak verb.
I'd do something to get rid of the "was" Maybe try:
"With that unusual strength she possessed while emotional, she forced him up against the wall." You can take out the "up" if you want. It's not really unnecessary, but meh.

quote:

Her lips closed over his, and she kissed him.

Okay, I'm gonna be a bit harsh here.... "She kissed him, she kissed him" is basically what this is saying... I don't like the second part at all. I'd add more description instead, "Her lips closed over his, a touch of warmth that carried a taste of <insert whatever you want her to taste like>" Well, you don't have to describe that, you can do something even simpler, like adding an action. "Her lips closed over his as her hands slid up to stoke his hair." Meh, bad example. "Her lips closed over his in a taste of passion." A bit awkward. Gah! I suck at suggestions. Anyways, I hope you can find something better. If you really must keep the sentence as is, change it to "Her lips closed over his in a (passionate) kiss." instead of the current format, which is a bit repetitive.

quote:

Most of their time was like this- Charlotte would be the first one to admit that she was a very… ‘intimate’ woman, for lack of a better word.

So, he spends more time kissing her and, say, sleeping? =P JK. Anyways, I'd change it to "Most of their time together was like this"
I'd take out "one" I think "the first to admit" is a stronger statement.
Hmm, while I'm not a fan of authors admitting that they can't find another word (JK again) this effect is stylistic so I shouldn't complain. My objection is this. The quotations around "intimate." They're not unnecessary since you've got ellipses after "very" already. The quotations are overkill.
If you must keep the quotations, I'm not sure if it's a technical requirement or not, but I'd write it with double quotes.

Okay, about this whole kissing scene.... It might be style again, but it needs more description... It needs to feel more passionate. You /say/ her movements are passionate but you don't /show/ it so I, as the reader, don't have a strong enough vision of it. Am I making sense? More detail, more description, ect. I'd raise a few bold questions, in fact. Where were her hands while she kissed him? How did he feel as she pressed her body against his? What about the enviroment? The shadow of the alley encasing them in darkness, the rough feel of the wall scraping his back as she shoved him against it... Okay, I think you get the point. My personal philosophy is that the scene needs to be more... passionate. Sorry if I seem to be forcing my own style here... Ignore if you don't agree.

quote:

“Charlotte,” he said, pulling her off of him.

Well, she wasn't really literally on top of him, so this statement doesn't seem to be the best choice here. Plus, it doesn't flow well. Perhaps it's the "off of" that killed it for me. "he said, pushing her away." Nah, bad connotation. "he said, disentaging from her grasps." "he said, sliding out of her embrace." Argh. Find something yourself if these suggestions suck (which they probably do). ;)

quote:

Charlotte stopped, sensing that this wasn’t a time to be playful.

I dunno if this is fine or if "the" fits better. Your choice.

quote:

Michael had used this tone before, but only when he was discussing the most serious of matters.

The "but" here doesn't seem to be offering the right effect. As if the audience originally thought his tone wasn't serious (which they obvious didn't unless they can't sense the atmosphere at all. =P) I'd change this to "Michael had used this tone before, and it was reserved for the most serious of matters." You can add the "only" there but I find it unnecessary.

Sorry, that's only three paragraphs, but it's dinnertime. =P I'll be back. *evil laughter*

Back.

quote:

Michael stopped, seemingly unable to get the words out.

The "seemingly" is one of the ly things you talked about, eh? =P Perhaps "seeming to be..." though that still sounds bad...
"get" is weak.
Eh, I think you should redo this sentence entirely. Both "seemingly" and "get" are kinda weak and replacing them becomes awkward. Perhaps "Michael stopped, the words choking in his throat." (replace choking to any word you like, eg. "halting," "dissipating," "jamming" ect. if you like). Or rephrase it in some way even better if you can think of it.

quote:

She tried to look him in the eyes, but he dropped his head, apparently not willing to look back up.

The "she" threw me off. I'd say "Charlotte" since you were talking about Michael earlier, so the pronoun doesn't fit...
"look" is a weak word, and it's not nice to use it twice. I'd change both instances even.
"look him in the eyes" is kinda bulky and awkward. How about a fluid, simple "Charlotte tried to meet his eyes..." If you want something fancier, perhaps "Charlotte sought out his eyes with her own..."
"apparently not willing" is too bulky. A simpler "unwilling" is better, imo, and gets rid of "apparently."
"to look back up." refers back to the dropping of the head, which is a less important action than the fact that he didn't meet her eyes. I'd change it to "...to gaze back at her." or something. If you like the current effect of him dropping his head being the highlighted action, I'd still make this a more eloquent statement. The "look" is kinda plain. "...to gaze up again" perhaps?
The most optimum state of this sentence would be, imo, "Charlotte tried to meet his eyes, but he dropped his head, unwilling to gaze back at her." Of course, my suggestions had many combinations, so use whichever you like the most. The above sentence is simply my greatest preference. Only my opinion.

quote:

The shadows in the alley, which had previously seemed to be nothing more than benign, now seemed both cruel and menacing.

I'd use "of." "in" sounds like they were just hanging around there temporarily. "of" relates the shadows to the alley strongly, like they were truly /part/ of the alley.
The second clause is a bit bulky. Again, "seemed" ect. shouldn't be used too much. Plus, you're using it twice in the sentence.Your choice, but I'd rewrite it as "which were previously nothing more than benign..." And, again, personal preference, but changing "nothing" to "no" can be done as well to be less bulky.
If you don't want to take out the first "seem" as suggested, I suggest you change the second "seemed" to "appeared (to be)"
"both." isn't really necessary, since "cruel" and "menacing" are so similar.

quote:

“Michael, what is it? What do you want to tell me?

The second sentence seems a little not-human and it's just an unnecessary repetition of the first. I think taking it out strengthens the dialogue. The case where you could keep the second part is if there's an action between there (eg. he doesn't respond for a long time) so she reasks the question. Since no such action exists, I think the second sentence is quite unnecessary.

quote:

She felt hysteria rising up in here, and the incessant chatter of the men in the streets did nothing to help it.

"her" Typo.
I feel that the first clause is awkward but I can't think of how to fix it... Perhaps "She felt hysteria arise in her body"? Not much better.... Think of something on your own then...
I think the sentence works better without the "it." in there. It's unnecessary.

quote:

“Michael? Michael, are you-

Ending quote pointing the wrong way, apparently. =P

quote:

Charlotte stopped, realizing what the sound was.

This is the second time you use "stopped" when someone stops talking. Getting a bit repetitive. I think there are better ways to do it, ways to not make it seem like they're stopping in general in their movements. Perhaps "fell silent" here?

quote:

Not choking, no- he was laughing.

Stylistic, but I think it adds more impact if you make a new sentence there. "Not choking. No- he was laughing."

quote:

She brought her hand down on his ear, hard.

This seems to lack transition from the previous sentence to here. I think adding something about how she felt might be better. "Feeling rage bubble within her, she brought her hand down on his ear, hard." "Glaring at his amused face, she brought her hand down on his ear, hard." Something to add more emotion and transition, anyways.

quote:

He looked up, and despite his apparent pain, he was grinning at her.

"was grinning" is passive. Not a necessary passive voice here. But anyways, the suggestion below eliminates this.
I think this is better if you rework the sentence clause order. Currently, it doesn't flow too well and is kinda bulky. How about "He looked up, grinning despite his apparent pain." I think that flows much better and still gets the point across.

quote:

Her face changed quickly, turning from a look of anger to a look of surprise, and then once more to a smile.

Well, this sentence is inherently stylistic, so ignore me if you want to keep the style. However, I think you can do better. Something cleaner/shorter (without the repetitions) and using more powerful words than "change" and "turn" which are rather weak for depicting change when compared to "shift" and "flicker" ect. "Her face flickered from enraged to surprised before shifting into a smile again." is what I suggest. Also gets rid of "then" which is something I dislike in writing. <_< Sounds... not like the most mature word choice.

quote:

“It’s a Yerian Ring.” Michael said, pulling the ring out of his pocket.

The speech tag cannot stand alone as a sentence, so the period after "Ring" should be a comma.
I don't like the repetition of "ring" I'd change the second one to "it"

quote:

Charlotte squinted, trying to get a closer look at the ring

Too many "rings." I don't think it's necessary. Makes sense without it.

quote:

(but not too close- Charlotte, despite being a commoner, had been raised right and proper, and she knew it was ill manner to look a gift horse in the mouth)

Nothing wrong with this, but it seems a bit like infodump, like an author feeding the stuff to a reader by talking to them directly. Nothing wrong with that, but I dunno if it fits with the rest of your writing style. Maybe it's just me. I used to do this /a lot/ until I decided it clashed with my style so I never did it again. It's your choice if you wanna rework this or not.

quote:

It was beautiful, a precious azure stone held in place by a flawless gold band.

If you take my previous suggestion(s) of taking the "rings" out, then it might be a good idea to use "The ring" here since it's been an ample amount of time since you referred back to it.

Another seven paragraphs done. I'll be back.

quote:

It is said that if you give someone a Yerian Ring, no harm will come to that person as long as the ring’s worn

You might wanna consider putting a comma after "that." "if you give someone a Yerian Ring" is something that might be nice with commas surrounding both sides of it. However, it's not completely necessary.
"that person" is kinda bulky and awkward and it repeats "that." I think "will come to them as..." is simpler and more effective.
It's a rather key moment of explanation. When people explain, they tend to not use contractions like they would when they're shouting or something. It might be how I talk, but changing "ring's" to "ring is" seems more likely to be said.
Leaves this: "It is said that, if you give someone a Yerian Ring, no harm will come to them as long as the ring is worn"

quote:

Michael gently grabbed her hand, and slid the ring onto her finger.

"grab" has a violent connotation and "gently" is just the opposite. Seems a little contradictory, so simply taking "gently" out to avoid the -ly doesn't really work. I'd go with a full rephrase.
Btw, is the comma really necessary? Your call. It's not a big deal.
"Michael enclosed her hand in a gentle grip and slid the ring onto her finger." You can replace "enclose" and "grip" with any words of your choice.

quote:

The ring was a gift to his love, Karra the Provider.”

It's probably just me, but it doesn't sound right to use love not in a direct statement from that person. Not sure if "his love" sounds right like "my love" would, y'know? Changing it to "lover" won't work either 'cause that clashes with "Provider" with the double -er. Umm, would "loved one" work? Eh, doesn't give the right connotation. Maybe you should just leave it... Yeah, you can just leave it unless you can think of a better replacement than me.

quote:

As a little girl, she’d adored the tales

In straight narration, I usually prefer little to no contractions unless it's in first person. It's your style to do otherwise. However, this, imo, is going too far. "She'd" is barely in even in dialogue unless by people with heavier accents. I /really/ suggest you just put "she had" here.

quote:

Yeria was doomed to die a hero’s death at a young age, fighting the enemies of his god, Aerion.

I think this should be capitalized. Someone told me that someone told them that if a "God" is believed by the POV person, it should be capitalized. If they believe in this God, I think it should be capitalized.

quote:

Karra was prepared to accept the pain his inevitable murder would cause, if only so that they could enjoy their love now.

"murder" sounds like he's killing someone else. Why not say "death" to sound like he's the one dying?
The "now" at the end seems hastily thrown in, as if it was ill-placed. I'd rephrase, perhaps. "...his inevitable death would cause, just so they could enjoy the love they currently shared." A bit wordy. Heh, think of something on your own if you can. The other suggestions I threw into the example you can use or ignore.

quote:

And of course, knowing about the romance, Charlotte knew about the ring.

"Charlotte also knew" is stronger, imo, but this is minor.

quote:

Yeria had gone a month long journey

"had gone on" might be what you meant. It makes no sense right now.
"month-long" needs a hyphen because it is a single adjective.

quote:

crossing all kinds of rugged terrain and fighting all kinds of terrible beasts in order to find the parts for the ring.

I think "in order" is rather wordy and unnecessary.
"for" might be better as an "of" since "of" relates the parts closer to the ring.

quote:

After that, it had taken another month for Yeria to finish crafting the ring.

You're repeating ring by ending both sentences with it. Perhaps change this one to "crafting it"?

quote:

It was said that he worked day and night on that ring, pouring his very soul into it.

"entire" or something to a quantitative degree seems to fit better here. "very" is more just telling he did pour his soul into it while "entire" would specify just how much he poured in. Seems to give more impact, imo.

quote:

she thought it was the most beautiful thing that she had ever seen (asides from Yeria himself, of course.)

This doesn't fit in my head. Seems like it should be "aside"

quote:

But Charlotte also knew the darker side to the story of the ring.

I think it flows better/makes more sense if you change the "to" into an "of" and rephrase the last bit so that you don't have an "of" repetition. "But Charlotte also knew the darker side of the ring's tale."

quote:

Karra would only wear the ring when Yeria was away, and there was a chance that he might not make it home.

Just a suggestion, but perhaps, to avoid the ring repetition, change this one to "band" or something?
I think you can do better than an "and" conjunction here. How about a stylistic repetition for emphasis?
I think the "that" near the end is rather unnecessary. It's one of those words that is bad when overused, so don't use unless necessary. Flow better without here.
"Karra would only wear the ring when Yeria was away, when there was a chance he might not make it home."

quote:

The ring, as beautiful as it was, was a symbol of death.

I don't think the first "as" is necessary here and the repetition of "was" kinda threw off my reading. I suggest "The ring, though beautiful, was a symbol of death." Meh, not the best fix... But it gets rid of both repetitions. If you don't want that, perhaps at least take out the first "as"

quote:

If someone gave a Yerian Ring out, it meant that that someone was about to embark on a journey, one in which their survival was not certain.

Gah. I don't like the double that here. Make my tongue curl up. =P I'd sacrifice the stylistic repetition of "someone" to avoid the tongue-hardship. =P "...it meant that they were about..." perhaps?
I'd use "uncertain" rather than "not certain." Less bulky.
You can keep it just like that, or you can shorten it if you like. "...embark on a journey where their survival was uncertain" could also work. The current version might be better though. I'm just trying to leave your options open. ;)

quote:

Michael, just what is it that you are going to do?

This seems a little... not-human. It's kinda awkward. A simple "Michael, what are you going to do" could work. If you want to keep the current effect... "Michael, just what are you going to do?" Makes it less clunky.

quote:

And don’t tell me you’re not doing anything- I know what this ring means just as well as you

Same problem as the above. It's not human-ish enough. "And don't tell me 'nothing'--I know what this ring means as well as you do." perhaps? The second part is the more important to fix part. The first part of the second that I changed is your call.

quote:

Michael sighed, and gently stroked his hand through her hair.

I'd take out all the crossed-out words. They're either weak or unnecessary (what else is he gonna stroke her with? =P) "stroked" already gives enough connotation to make "gently" needless. I'd take out the comma too since it's too short a sentence to warrant a pause, but that's minor.

quote:

You always were clever, Charlotte.

I'd switch the order of those two words. Why? One, it flows better. Two, the adverb isn't as important as the verb, so coming after makes more sense in my head.

quote:

But my duty to Karros must come first

I don't think the "must" is necessary. It's a bit bulky. "But my duty to Karros comes first"?

quote:

Charlotte was getting worried now.

This feels, imo, a bit info-dumpish. Better to show how she was worried that say she was worried. If the worst comes and you can't think of anything, at least say she felt worry rise up in her instead of "she was worried." "was" and "get" are both weaker verbs. I suggest: "Charlotte's lips tightened as she felt worry well up inside her." Gives impersonation, information, as well as a real, outward action to show /how/ she was worried, y'know?

quote:

Michael had never spoken about his ‘duty’ before

Perhaps that should be double quotes, since singles are supposed to go in doubles and there is no doubles outside of this.

quote:

this must be something very serious.

"must" is a bit weak/informal in straight narration, I'd say. Perhaps "this was evidently something very serious."?

quote:

We’re fighting our own countrymen, their minds set on treason.

Sen spoke about this being awkward, and I agree. I think there's actually a very simple way to fix this though. Perhaps "We’re fighting our own countrymen, whose minds are set on treason." Yeah, I think that's better.

quote:

And I, Prince Michael Hargood, am going to support the war effort. My father, King Josset, is announcing it at his Royal Address today.

If they're really this close, there's absolutely no reason to go all formal here. She'd know who he and his father are. I... feel like you're trying to use the dialogue to convey their names to us. It's coming out like something an author, not a character, would say in this situation. I'd take these out and give the info some other time, 'kay? Names aren't too hard to give. You can give them in straight narration without sounding very info-dumpish.

quote:

Charlotte felt tears beginning to form in her eyes.

Now, "beginning to" do something is also one of those "avoid unless completely necessary things" alongside "seemed" "almost" "as if" ect. I've made these mistakes /a lot/. "Charlotte felt tears forming in her eyes." doesn't sound to good either, perhaps because "form" isn't too strong a verb... Eh, "Charlotte felt tears brimming in her eyes." Ah, much better. But if you want to go the extra mile of trimming this down, I'd go as far as saying "Tears brimmed in Charlotte's eyes." to get rid of the unnecessary "felt" word. Your choice. Both these work fairly well.

quote:

She knew that everything he was saying was true

"said" works much better here. The passive voice doesn't make sense unless he's still talking right this moment, which isn't the case.

quote:

And when he finally did hug her, pulling her close to his chest, she started crying.

"hug" isn't too good a word for formal writing. Perhaps "embrace"?
Well, she already had tears in her eyes, so you need something more violent than "crying" here for this to make sense. "pulling her close to his chest, she sobbing uncontrollably." Or, if you want to relate back to the tears thing before "pulling her close to his chest, she allowed her tears to fall." "pulling her close to his chest, she let her tears fall." "let" is the weaker verb than "allow" but I think the second suggestion is less bulky, so that's the one I'd use.

quote:

For a time, they just stood there, holding each other.

"time" is vague. Perhaps "moment" if it's short, "while" if it's longer.
"just" is rather weak. However, it does work nicely here. If you do want to eliminate it, though, you can use "simply stood" (Alliteration FTW!)
"holding," imo, isn't strong enough for this scene. To show their desperation, their love, ect. I'd use "clinging" here.

quote:

Charlotte was sobbing, and Michael was saying whatever he could to help soothe her.

You already said she's crying. Plus, if you take my earlier suggestion, this might become redundant. And it's passive voice. Now, if I can be so bold as to change this entirely... "Michael found himself uttering every word of comfort that came to his lips--anything to sooth the tearful girl in his arms." Change tearful to "sobbing" if you took one of my "tears" suggestions instead of the sobbing one two points above.

quote:

So, when a man walked into the alley, they were too distracted to even notice him.

"they" is a bit vague at this key point of the story. Perhaps "the two"?

I'm taking a break for now before I lose concentration.

quote:

“Today is the Grand Sowing Festival, and you’re still sad?”

This sounds human enough, but I think the structure is still rather narrative-ish. May I suggest: "Being sad on the Grand Sowing Festival? What a shame..." You can take the second sentence out if you prefer, but I think it works better like that. You can also take out the "being" is you wanna sacrifice grammar for dialogue realism.

quote:

Michael turned to look, and saw just what he had expected

You can keep or take out the comma.
I'd take out the "had" It's not completely necessary, since he still anticipates since it's proven true, y'know? Or maybe I just think it flows better without.

quote:

a heavily muscled knight, wearing a long black and crimson cloak.

I think you can describe this a bit better. The order of the descriptors threw me off a bit. "a heavily muscled knight in a black and crimson cloak that spilled to his knees." Something to that effect to be more organized. Change knees to however long it really is, like heels or hips or whatever.

quote:

Charlotte also gave her attention to the newcomer

Fine as is. It can also be written "Charlotte also gave the newcomer her attention" to eliminate one word, but it's completely your choice.

quote:

At first she was surprised, then worried, but when she saw Michael start smiling, she smiled too.

Basics. Show, don't tell. Show how she was suprised. Show how she was worried. "She first flinched in surprise, then creased her brow in worry, but she soon saw that Michael was smiling, so she smiled too." You can redo the last bits a bit. I changed it to flow better than the original in this context, but it's still not the best. You can use different actions, like gasping in surprise or tightening her lips in worry instead of the ones in the example.

quote:

From the way that the man laughed at this

I'd say it's unnecessary.

quote:

They appeared to be good friends, despite the fact that Michael was only in his late teens and this ‘Sir Evan’ appeared to be around forty years old.

A bit repetitive.
The major problem with this sentence, again, is that it's a bit more tell than show. /How/ did they appear to be good friends? Also, I think you can trim down the wordiness at the later parts. I suggest: "Their cheerful interaction indicated a tight comradeship, despite Michael being only in his late teens and ‘Sir Evan’ appearing to be around forty." You can keep some of the extra words if you like. The repetition and show/tell thing is more important.

quote:

“It’s been a long time since I’ve wooed a maiden, Your Highness.” said Sir Evan, chuckling.

Period after "Highness" should be comma.

quote:

Charlotte blushed again as she heard this.

I wouldn't repeat "blushed" again. Gets redundant. "Charlotte reddened again as she heard this." "Charlotte's cheeks grew hot again as she heard this." "Charlotte's cheeks turned red again as she heard this." Try one of these.

quote:

Pardon me, Prince, but I’d like to introduce myself

Perhaps "my Prince" sounds more human here, imo.

quote:

Charlotte Nanea of Limani, I am Sir Evan Rorrik of Limani. I am a humble servant of King Josset and Prince Michael, and serve as both the King’s right hand and as the leader of the Royal League.

The two are too close together that is becomes rather redundant. I'd rephrase the sentences to get rid of this. Join the second sentence with the first and breaking the second clause of the second sentence into a standalone sentence perhaps? "Charlotte Nanea of Limani, I am Sir Evan Rorrik of Limani, humble servant of King Josset and Prince Michael. I serve as both the King’s right hand and as the leader of the Royal League." Yeah, I think that sounds better.

quote:

Charlotte knew only faintly what the Royal League was, but from what she did know, they served as the King’s elite body guard.

Rather redundant. I'd rephrase the first part. "Charlotte's understanding of the Royal League was faint, but from what she did know..."
Okay, I change my mind after looking at the second part of the sentence. The part after "know" is phrased with not so good correlation as the rest. I'd kill a clause and bring it together less wordily. Also, "bodyguard" is one word. Shouldn't it be "bodyguards" though since it's more than one? I dunno if using this as a group singular context works with this particular word. "Charlotte's understanding of the Royal League was faint, but she did know that they served as the King’s elite bodyguards." Ignore the stuff about bodyguards if the plural is wrong, though I'm fairly certain about it being one word. The condensing clauses is more important anyways. =P

quote:

If this man was truly the leader of the Royal League, he was a very powerful man indeed.

Repetition of "man" is unpleasant. Perhaps change the second to "individual"? You can actually take the second "man" out entirely, but "individual" fits quite nicely too.
"truly was" might flow better than "was truly" but that's purely personal preference.

quote:

My first and most important duty is to protect my realm, and its people.

Okay, I do call this personal preference most times, but here... I /really/ suggest you take out the comma. Read it aloud. See what the comma does? It pauses the speech. Should he logically pause there, as if hesitating from protecting the people? No. See my point?

quote:

Sir Evan bent down and gently kissed Charlotte’s hand.

Hehe, to repeat what you said "adverbs = bad"

quote:

People like you, my lady- although few are as charming.

I had to read this over twice to understand what you meant here. I think making the dash a full stop period is better. Perhaps that makes it more clear. I thought you meant nothing is more charming than people or something, hehe. "People like you, my lady. Although, few are as charming." Changing "as" to "this" might make it more clear. It's weaker, but makes the meaning more obvious. Or, even better, I'd add an action between there to enhance it. "People like you, my lady." He winked. "Although, few are as charming." Meh, take your pick.

quote:

For the third time that day, Charlotte blushed again.

I've no objection about "blushed" here since it's quite a bit further from the last one assuming you take the second one out. However, "the third time" makes "again" rather redundant, imo. I think it's stronger without.

quote:

She knew that Sir Evan was only treating her this way because she was with Prince Michael, but she still enjoyed it.

I think MS addressed something about not using "Prince" considering how close Charlotte is with Michael, and I'm gonna repeat him. Wait, was it this point in his part? Maybe not. Anyways, a simple Michael is more realistic. We already know he's the Prince.
"it" is rather weak here. "she still enjoyed the attention" perhaps?

quote:

It was every girl’s dream to be swept off their feet by a knight in shining armor

Untrue! /me raises objection flag. I do not want to be swept off my feet, especially not by a knight. I like my feet to be planted firmly in the ground, thank you very much. <_< [/lameattemptatjokeinthemiddleofcritique] =P

quote:

and Charlotte was certainly no exception.

Self-explanatory. =P

quote:

And, even though he was much older than her, Sir Evan was still quite handsome- and he had a personal charisma that even Michael could not match.

The dash and the first "and" makes the second "and" really redundant and repetitive.

quote:

“You flatter me, Sir Evan. Perhaps Michael should be getting worried, with competition like you.” Charlotte said, giggling.
“Perhaps I should.” said Michael, laughing himself. “Sir Evan, why is it that you came to see me, exactly? As beautiful as my Charlotte is, I doubt that she was the reason.”

You missed a line break there.

quote:

Perhaps Michael should be getting worried, with competition like you.” Charlotte said, giggling.

Period after "you" should be a comma. The speech tag is part of the sentence.

quote:

“Perhaps I should.” said Michael, laughing himself.

Period after "should" should be a comma.
"laughing himself" is a weak statement here, imo. It's a bit confusing. Perhaps "...Michael, joining in the laughter"?

quote:

Sir Evan, why is it that you came to see me, exactly? As beautiful as my Charlotte is, I doubt that she was the reason.

Dialogue is a bit wordy. This might just be the way Michael talks; if so, ignore me. If not, my suggestion: "Sir Evan, why exactly did you come to see me?" sounds more human.
Perhaps "is" instead of "was" since the rest of the sentence is in present? It's not a big deal though.

quote:

No, she was not, Your Highness

If you take the above suggestion, this should be "is" as well.

quote:

I expected you to be alone, however.

I suggest a trimming of this to make it more human perhaps "I did expect you to be alone." You can italicize the "did" if you like. Your choice here.

quote:

But it is no real matter.

What's no real matter? I thought, for a second, that you meant that what the king had to say wasn't really a big deal... Perhaps join this with the previous sentence? "I did expect you to be alone, but it's no real matter either way." You can take out "either way" if you wanna go the extra mile of trimming.

quote:

“Shouldn’t I be the one to do that, Sir Evan?” said Michael.

Unnecessary speech tag, imo. It doesn't add anything to a dialogue and who's speaking is very clear due to how they traded off words for a while already.

quote:

But now, you really need to be getting to the city square

A bit awkward. Perhaps "But you need to go to the city square right now"?

quote:

Michael gave Charlotte one last kiss, slipping his hood back on as he did.

Your choice, but you could describe this final kiss in more detail. (I talked about romance detail somewhere above) since it's so important. Or, you can leave it if you purposefully want the "it's no big deal; everything's gonna be alright." feeling to fool your audience. Your choice depending on what effect you want.

quote:

slipping his hood back on as he did. As soon as his disguise was properly on

Repetitive and "on" is rather weak in the second case, imo. Perhaps change the second "on" to "donned"?

quote:

Michael walked back out into the crowds, headed towards the center of Limani.

This should be "heading" in this case to make the comma the correct way to join the parts.

quote:

Charlotte watched him as he walked away, unsure about what to say

The two "walked"'s are too close together. Perhaps change one to a synonym, like "strode"?

quote:

There was so much that she wanted to tell him, but she couldn’t manage to get any of it out.

Last part is rather wordy and the way you say it is a bit weak. Perhaps "but she couldn't bring herself to utter the words." "but she couldn't vocalize the words" "but she couldn't get any of the words out" (this is if you wanna keep the general structure. If you'll allow me some creative liberty, you can even do some personification. "but the words died in her throat" I think this is the best option, though it is rather different from the original.

quote:

Eventually, she was forced to settle for a simple ‘Goodbye.’ that she doubted he even heard.

I'd use double quotes and the period should be a comma or maybe even nothing altogether. It's not a big deal as long as it's not a period.

quote:

said Sir Evan, putting his hand out,

Weak word choice. How about "holding"?

Yay! I feel accomplished! I'm done the first scene. More soon, Rational!

quote:

“Is this your house, Charlotte?”

I dunno if it sounds fine as is or if the other order is better. ("This is your house, Charlotte?") Hmm, I think the current one sounds more chivalrous and stuff while the other one is more natural. Your call, though I'd keep it.

quote:

When she nodded, Sir Evan opened the door and stepped inside.

I don't like "she." Even if you stated her name in the dialogue, opening a scene with a pronoun is a bit vague, imo. I suggest "When the girl..."
Wait. He stepped inside before her? I dunno if that makes sense. Considering that they weren't supposed to suspect danger, I doubt he'd go in first as if to protect her. As a knight, he'd probably be polite enough to be "ladies first" right? I'd change this to: "When the girl nodded, Sir Evan opened the door and admitted her inside before following." or something.

quote:

What he saw surprised him, and judging from her gasp, he guessed that it surprised Charlotte too.

I personally would put the comma after the "and" since the aside is "judging from her gasp" but this can be bended around a bit depending on where you want your audience to pause.
The last part there feels like you've got too many nouns or something. I think the "he" part can be eliminated. Would it flow better as "it apparently suprised Charlotte as well." ("too" is a bit informal. Perhaps "as well" is better)

quote:

The room was quite dark, but the light from the open door allowed Sir Evan to make things out quite clearly.

Okay... Key point of the story. All the audience has to work with is "dark" I think you can give us more. This, imo, is a /really/ good place to put in some imagery to set up the mood, the atmosphere, ect. All you've got is one clause. I'd say at least a sentence of imagery here. Personification, metaphors, and similies are your friends. ;)
The last part is a bit wordy and awkward. I mean, "make things out"?! I think it doesn't fit in with the seriousness of the scene. How about "allowed Sir Evan to discern the inside quite clearly"?

quote:

There on the couch sat a man that he could only assume was Charlotte’s father.

You're overusing the "could only" phrase and those alike it, imo. It's unnecessary. Like "seem" and stuff. Why not a simple "...a man he assumed to be Charlotte's..."

quote:

A very scantly dressed woman sat next to him, massaging his shoulders.

The "very" really lowered the seriousness and professionalism, imo. I suggest you take it out.
Repetition of "sat" Perhaps another verb, like "lounged"?

quote:

Charlotte’s father was smiling, but as he saw who was coming through his door, his smile quickly changed to a look of horrified surprise.

Since his identity is "assumed," I don't think calling him "Charlotte's father" helps the assumption tone very much. How about "The man" here, especially since you use the words "Charlotte's father" a lot?
Imo, "when" is much stronger than "as" here.
I prefer "the" door rather than "his" since it's Charlotte's home too, y'know. ;)
Repetition of "smile" with "smiling." Could be stylistic, but I'd prefer it if you changed the "smile" to "grin" or something to avoid redundancy.
"quickly changed," hehe. Perhaps a stronger verb to replace the adverb. "twisted" perhaps? Also, if you use "twisted," then the "to" would make more sense as an "into"
Leaves this as: "The man was smiling, but when he saw who was coming through the door, his grin twisted into a look of horrified surprise."

quote:

Charlotte did as she was told, and walked outside.

Gonna be blunt here. Imo, extremely unneeded second clause. Only a bit better than "She walked outside, she walked outside." =P He told her to go outside. She does it. Do you have to state that she walked? I mean, would the average audience accidentally think she flew outside, lol? =P

quote:

Sir Evan merely stood there, watching Charlotte’s father.

It's probably just me, but the "merely" feels a bit off. I usually don't suggest simplifying things, but I actually think taking it out or changing to something like "just" might be better.
"watching" could be a better verb, imo. How about "surveying"?

quote:

“Get out.” said Jon Nanea (that was his name, Sir Evan remembered).

Period after "out" should be a comma.
Now, I don't like the way you did this remembrance. Imo, sounded a bit like he didn't know but you, as the author, made him remember so you won't have to keep saying "the man" and "Charlotte's father." I suggest you include his name right in the beginning of introducing him.
If you can't do that, this thought could be padded out better. I'd italicize and make it a bit more direct, like the character is actually just remembering.
“Get out,” said Jon Nanea. Yes, that was his name, Sir Evan remembered.
Eh, not that much better. You can keep the brackets, but they're rather informal, imo. I suggest you you take the first suggestion of moving it right to the beginning of the scene. Or perhaps mention his name in the first scene so as to support how Sir Evan knew.

quote:

These two words were delivered quickly in a voice heavy with anger.

Imo, "two" ruins the flow and is unneeded.
"by" might work better than "in" here.

quote:

Now, you just wait one minute

This piece of dialogue seems a bit awkward. I suggest you switch the order of the bolded words or take out "just" entirely.

quote:

She was stopped mid-sentence by Jon’s hand. It was an open hand slap and hard enough that Sir Evan could hear it from across the room.

I have a few problems with the second sentence.
1. Most slaps, even if not too hard, are capable of being heard of across a room unless said room was some big ballroom. I know this from, er, personal experience, shall we say...
2. Repetition of "hand." Imo, "slap" alone means it's probably open-hand so it's an necessary descriptor.
3. The entire sentence just basically dragged on too long and was too awkward.
So... if I can take some creative liberities, I'd change it to a simple: "She was stopped mid-sentence by Jon’s hand. The slap echoed across the room." If you wanna be all technical about it, "She was stopped mid-sentence by Jon’s hand. The sound of the slap echoed across the room."

Will be back. Sorry for taking so long to get back to this.

quote:

“I told you to get out. I meant it.”

You can italicize "get out" here. Or you can not. Just giving an option.

quote:

When she listened to him, however, and actually went for the front door, all it earned her was another slap.

I think you can cut the first clause entirely. It's clear that, if she goes for the door, she's listening to him. Trim down the wordiness.
"front door" causes the power of this statement to be lowered. It's clear which door she went for after he yells after her afterwards. Noting that it's the front door is unrealistic because the POV character doesn't think it's a big deal. If you note it, it's like you're giving too much info to the audience. Let them figure out on their own why it's not acceptable after he yells again.
Leaves this something like "When she actually went for the door, however, all she received was another slap." (changed the ending around a bit to have less unecessary nouns hanging around)

quote:

The woman quickly walked to the back door as he watched her, his jaw clenched in anger.

"quickly walked" could become "pattered" "bustled" ect. to get rid of the -ly and simply use a stronger, more telling verb to indicate. I can't think of anything very amazing atm so feel free to use your own fix rather than my crappy suggestions.

quote:

When he turned back to Sir Evan, however, he had a smile on his face. It was one of the worst fakes that Sir Evan had ever laid eyes on.

Repetitive/overused. Change the second one to "the knight" perhaps?

quote:

“Hello, sir.” said Jon, walking toward the entrance.

Comma rather than period after "sir." The speech tag and action are the same sentence as the speech.
Imo, "towards" flows better here for some reason, but they mean the same thing, so ignore me. =P

quote:

To Sir Evan’s disgust, the man was positively drenched in sweat.

Imo, this could be a bit more clear. Was he disgusted by the look of the sweat or the smell of it? You can describe more to /show/ us. So that we can also feel disgusted. ;)

quote:

Jon took a small half-bow in front of Sir Evan, before putting out his hand.

"took" seems rather... stage-like. As if he's taking it after receiving a round of applause for an audience in a concert rather than showing repect. It's probably just me, but something like "performed" can work too.
Also, "small" makes the "half" part of "half-bow redundant and vice versa. If it's a half-bow, it's a small bow. If it's a small bow, it's a half-bow. See what I mean? I'd change it to "small bow" or "half-bow" (without the small)
The comma is unnecessary. I dunno why it's there.
"placing" or something to replace "putting" is what I suggest 'cause "putting" is a rather weak/informal verb.

I'll be back. I feel kinda crappy right now and I'll probably start spewing nonsense if I don't take a break.

quote:

”Did you know that your daughter was having a relationship with Prince Michael?”

...This is a little sudden. I dunno, it seems /way/ too sudden. Is there a specific reason why? Or else it doesn't seem human without some transition...

quote:

Jon’s first reply was not an answer, but another question.

Imo, unneeded. We know it's his first reply you're talking about. He can't go talking in questions forever.

quote:

Sir Evan hated when people answered like that.

This feels... very info-dumpish. Imo, you can do some showing rather than telling here. /Show/ his dislike to us. For example: "Sir Evan pursed his lips in annoyance."
In case you don't take my suggestion, I think this makes more sense as "...hated it when..."

quote:

Jon’s reply was nervous, and came through in a quiet, soft voice.

Here's something I've learned. When you can trim something, make it shorter and convey the same message, generally go for it. this could be changed to something like, "Jon’s reply was soft and nervous."

quote:

Sir Evan knew that this meant Jon knew the implications of what his daughter had done.

Imo, can be said more... eloquently. Also, you can take out the repetition of "knew" and the repetition of "Jon." "Sir Evan realized that the man knew about the consequences of his daughter's actions." Hmm, still seems a little bulky. I'd go trim it a big more, take out the Sir Evan part entirely... "The man was aware of the consequences of his daughter's actions." You can replace consequences with any word of your choice.

quote:

A Prince or Princess loving one of a common blood was something that had been forbidden since Karros, at least until they became King or Queen.

"since Karros" what? "since the beginning of Karros" perhaps? Last time I checked, Karros was the country, not a time or person.
This statement is rather confusing. I had to read it over several times to understand. I thought you meant that one of royal blood can't love one of common blood until the commoner suddenly becomes king/queen, lol. Perhaps a rephase to make it more clear? "Until they became King or Queen, a Prince or Princess was forbidden from loving one of common blood. This rule had been established since the beginning of Karros." (I broke it into two sentences since it seemed to flow better that way).
Wait a second... Oh, that would make the next line bad though. Lemme try again. "A Prince or Princess loving one of a common blood had been forbidden since the beginning of Karros. However, the law no longer stood after they were instated onto the throne." It might be "weaker" but, imo, less confusing. Or you can ignore me.

quote:

(King Josset himself took full advantage of that rule- Sir Evan himself personally knew of over two dozen women that the King had ‘loved’, if you wanted to call it that.)

It may simply be style, but I think the things in brackets takes away from the professionalism. Sounds a bit info-dumpish. I'm sure you can feed info to readers without needing to make these notes to them.
I'd do either of the following:
1. While this piece of info does show the king's personality, is it really important/necessary? If not, I'd say take it out entirely. You can even give it later on in the story through dialogue or thoughts or something.
2. If it /is/ necessary and you /must/ show it right now, I suggest removing the brackets and rephrasing to something like this: "King Josset himself took full advantage of this rule- Sir Evan could recall over two dozen women that the King had ‘loved,' if that was even a proper word for it." I took out the second person thing at the end since it seems too informal.
Note two other things. One, I'm not sure, but I think the quote after "loved" should be outside the comma, not inside. Two, the period might be better outside of the closing bracket if you decide to keep the brackets."

Be back later.

quote:

“If I was not sure, I would not be here right now.

Might be just my preference, but I think "wouldn't" sounds a little more human. If you want to take it an extra step further, I'd go as far as saying "wasn't" but "was not" seems to work fine too so you can leave that.

quote:

Now, you did not answer my question: Did you know, or did you not?”

All the "did (not)s" are kinda getting a bit clunky and annoying. It might be for effect, but it's a little overbearing. Perhaps consider changing the last part to "Did you know or not?"

quote:

Sir Evan said this with a crisp, interrogative tone that the first asking of the question had lacked.

I prefer "in" rather than "with" since the tone of part of the voice, not just with it like a side-dish, but meh, your choice.
The last part is just rather awkward and wordy. Perhaps "...tone that had not been present the first time it was asked"? I think the audience can deduce that "it" is the question, but your choice. Anyways, I'd try to shorten and change that part so it's not so awkward.

quote:

Sir Evan had used that tone many times, and knew that it was something that got him results.

Starting two sentences a row with "Sir Evan" isn't necessary. You can say "He had..." or "The tone had been used..."
"this" might be better than "that" but no big deal.
Second part, once again, is a little awkward and wordy. "got" isn't a very strong word either... I'd change it to "...and knew it garnered him results" or something. Replace "garner" with "gain" or any word of your choice.
However, if you'd allow me to be really bold, I actually think you're overdoing the explanation of his tone here. Perhaps consider killing this sentence entirely. It isn't really necessary, imo.

quote:

“No, of course I didn’t know!” said Jon.

I think it sounds more natural without the "no" It's unnecessary with the "of course I didn't know" Say it aloud. Think about what you'd say in that situation. Would you said "no" at the beginning?
I also think you can find a better word than said here. Exclaimed or something. Your choice. Or, kill the speech tag altogether. We know who's talking and it doesn't really add to the dialogue, so it can be killed.

quote:

Sir Evan smiled at this last statement, but the smile had a distinct lack of humor to it.

You can kill a few parts of this sentence, imo. Like the "at this last statement" part (we know what he smiled at) and the "had a distinct" part (could be a simple "but the smiled lacked all traces of humour") I'm mainly for the first one. The "Had a distinct" part actually adds to the sentence.
It can be a bit more showing and less telling. Something like "Sir Evan smiled, but his eyes remained cold" Or you can keep as is. Doesn't matter. A bit of exposition is okay. If you don't take the showing suggestion, try something like "Sir smiled, but the smile had a distinct lack of humour to it."

quote:

Sir Evan paused, letting his words take full effect.

I think the words "Sir Evan" just have been used far too much in this passage. I'd change this one to "he" I mean, it's clear who he's addressing, since he's talking to Jon and there're only two people here.

quote:

“So, what is it you want?

I think this makes more grammatical sense as “So, what is it that you want?" I know your characters talk eloquently and stuff, but I think, in this circumstance, when he's all panicked, perhaps "So, what do you want?" might sound more human if you think adding the "that" would make it too clunky.

quote:

The smile on Jon’s face greatly irritated Sir Evan.

I'd take that word out. "great" /is not/ a great word. It's rather... dead in literature. If you must keep it, I suggest moving it to the end of the sentence to flow better and also to come later since it's not as important as the other words.

quote:

Yes, that’s what I came here for. And I suggest you give your full cooperation.

Ignore me if you wanna keep it eloquent, but I'd trim it down. The long sentences and extra words aren't helping the tension and suspense of the scene. They seem less... suspenseful/ominous. I suggest: "Yes, that’s why I'm here. And I suggest you cooperate." You can change both sentences to my suggestion or just change one or ignore me. =P

quote:

Jon chuckled, and his grin widened.

I don't like the structure here. Perhaps I simply think "and" is a weak conjunction. I'd change it to "Jon chuckled, his grin widening." to make more sentence variation rather than just "and this and that"

quote:

And all I ask for in return is a small gift from the King.

It seems more human without the "and" I dunno, may be just me, but if I were saying this, I wouldn't say the "and" Also, you used the period + and thing in the above dialogue, so using it again isn't really the best choice.
Period at end should be comma. The speech tag is part of the sentence.

quote:

If it helps, tell him that I like my gifts in gold and silver.

Dunno if switching the word order is better. It's probably just me and my days as a choir girl singing Do You Hear What I Hear that's making me say "silver and gold" as opposed to "gold and silver"

I really don't wanna stop, but it's way too late. =P Be back as always.

quote:

“As it so happens, Jon, we brought a gift for you.”

I think, in conjunction with the previous piece of dialogue, this could be stronger: "“As it so happens, Jon, we did bring a gift for you.” If you want something more casual: “As a matter of fact, Jon, we did bring a gift for you.”

quote:

Sir Evan winked at Jon, and reached his hand towards his pocket. And towards his sword.

Unnecessary comma, especially since the second part isn't even an independent clause.
People usually reach with their hands. Stating is unnecessary and awkward.
I think it adds more of an impact without the "and"
"Sir Evan winked at Jon and reached towards his pocket. Towards his sword." If you don't like the overchoppiness, then: "Sir Evan winked at Jon and reached towards his pocket, towards his sword."

quote:

Sir Evan had not been named the leader of the Royal League for nothing, and his swordsmanship was impeccable.

I think you can trim down the wordiness of the first bit a little. "Sir Evan was not the leader of the Royal League for nothing."
I think, for this part, a simplifying of the second part is the way to go here. It might add impact. "Sir Evan was not the leader of the Royal League for nothing. His swordsmanship was impeccable." You can join the two sentences with a semi-colon if you like.

quote:

Before Jon had even realized what happened, a sword had been run through his chest.

All the "had beens" is making this a bit clunky. Trim it, imo. It's a swift action, and you want your language to portray the speed. "Before Jon could react, a sword plunged through his chest."

quote:

Blood covered the inside of his shirt, turning the white cotton into an ugly red.

"soaked" or something more emotive might be better than "covered" here.
Imo, you can take out the "into" if you want to be trim it down the extra mile, but it's your call.

quote:

Unfortunately, this is all- but I’m quite sure it will do the job

I'd change the dash to a comma.
"it'll" might flow better, but you might've wanted to portray Sir Evan as a more formal person.

quote:

for if there was one thing that would scare that Charlotte, it would be a bloody sword

The second "that" isn't needed.
If you want to bend grammar for flow, you can change "would be" to "was" but it's your choice.

quote:

Leaning his head out, he smiled, and called out to Charlotte.

I'd take out the comma after "smiled" It kinda wrecked the flow and confused me for a second.

Be back later. Almost done. Grr.

quote:

Charlotte- Come here!

Things after dashes aren't capitalized. Btw, that dash might be better as a comma anyways.

quote:

She walked over, a surprised look on her face.

Gah, wordy. =P I'd trim it down to a simple "surprised"

quote:

When Sir Evan nodded, she smiled, and started walking with a slightly quicker pace.

Kill the comma after "smiled." It's unnecessary and the two parts aren't both independent clauses, so it's not even grammatically necessary.
"with" seems unfitting here... Hmm, would "at" fit better?

quote:

Sir Evan waited- Once she got close enough, the kill would be quick and easy.

Decapitalize "once" as I explained about dashes above.
"got" is a bit weak here. Perhaps "came"?
I don't think saying both quick and easy is necessary. It seems rather wordy. I'd take out the part about quick; easy already implies it.

quote:

And that’s when he heard the voice.

It's technically a short form for "that is" I'm not sure if it grammatically works with "that was." On top of that, the informality kinda ruined the atmosphere. Perhaps just change to "that was"?

quote:

Charlotte- Run!

This would make more sense as a comma as opposed to a dash (and don't capitalize "run") However, your call. If you really want to give off the most impact, I suggest making this "Charlotte! Run!" which is the most emotive form, imo.

quote:

Sir Evan grimaced; he had doubted that the man would have been able to speak

Imo, this is too wordy. By my logic, he /still/ can speak since he just did so, so this can be changed to "be" Bending grammar a bit is fine. ;)

quote:

Charlotte reacted quickly, but Sir Evan was quicker.

This might be intentional, but the repetition here wasn't really the best. I suggest changing the second one to "faster"

quote:

Charlotte might still have gotten away, if she had not been wearing the dress.

The word order confused me. I suggest maybe switching the order of those two words to flow better. "still might..."
"the" dress? So if she was wearing any other dress, she might've gotten away? I haven't seen it phrase like that a lot before. I suggest changing the to "a"

quote:

But she was, and when Sir Evan’s hand tangled in the bottom of it, she cursed that fact.

Now, I think you can see how awkward this is... If you want to keep this entire meaning though, it's very hard to fix. Hmm, do we care that she cursed? Perhaps take that outta the sentence entirely. "But she was, and Sir Evan managed to intertwine his hand in the bottom of it." (tangle in this case sounds like he didn't do it intentionally but got caught by the fabric.

quote:

and she heard the crack as her ankle broke.

Meh, I think the parts might hold together better if you say "and she heard the crack of her ankle breaking" but it's your call.

quote:

In but a second, Sir Evan was upon her.

Imo, unneeded and kinda threw me off, but it's your choice to keep it or not.

quote:

Grabbing her chin, he twisted her face so that she was looking into his eyes.

The passive voice is slipping in again... How about "so that she met his eyes"? Simple and more powerful, imo.

quote:

Tears were coming from her eyes now, in a long stream.

Imo, coming is a weak word to describe tears. And the long stream thing is a little redundant; you can kill that part entirely if you make the first clause good. Also, passive voice again. =P How about a simple "Tears streamed down her cheeks"? (saying eyes isn't the best option 'cause you just talked about eyes went he forced her to meet his.)

quote:

Sir Evan smiled, and with that smile, he showed his true colors. There was no joy in that smile, save that of the sadistic variety.
“Who’s to say I can’t be both, my dear Charlotte?” The last three words were almost spit at her, drenched in anger and spite. “After all, who better to kill the monsters than a monster himself?”

Need line break here.

quote:

The last three words were almost spit at her, drenched in anger and spite.

Tense shift. Spat not spit.
Anyhow, I think this part is rather... awkward. And the "were" doesn't help... Gah, I can't think of good fixes. I suggest, instead of "were almost spat" perhaps something like "The last three words drilled into her, drenched..." Something that gets rid of were. =P

quote:

After all, who better to kill the monsters than a monster himself

Grammar can be bended, but this wording here is weird. Perhaps "After all, who's better at killing monsters than a monster himself"?

quote:

Her tears were still coming, but they were now tears of anger, not of sadness.

"were" and "come" again... "Her tears still fell" "Her tears kept falling" something like that...

quote:

said Sir Evan, laughing.

I don't like the tag. The word order wasn't the best and "said" applied to a question isn't the best idea.... How about "Sir Evan asked, laughing."

quote:

With but a coin, I could find much better.

Dialogue = present tense. Proof? The rest of the dialogue was in present tense. Plus, it's not that he /could/ but that, even at this very moment, he /can/

quote:

It was humorous watching her reactions to what he said, yes, but Sir Evan needed to end this and get himself to the King.

I don't think "to what he said" is necessary. We know what she's reacting to. Also, I'd use the singular form (reaction) 'cause, 90% of the time, the focused feeling of a singular form is stronger than the scattered one of a plural.
"get" is rather weak. "himself" is entirely unneeded. Hmm, how to rephrase to get rid of get... "and go to the..." No, bad fix. Gah! You think of something. Something about what a subject meeting a king would be called. I dunno, lol.

Finally done. Sorry for taking so long. There were a few points you might wish to go back to, for example, the "the two 'walked' are too close together point" I meant that that walked about the one before but I accidentally bolded the watched, lol. Oh, and here's your overall feedback. This is important too! =P

Well, congratz on deviating from fantasy norms. I do applaud you for that. My only hope is that you're deviating for the sake of the art, not deviating for the sake of deviating. But considering how long this story has been on your mind, I doubt it'll be the latter. ;)

The way you portrayed the characters was good; I also liked how you set it up like a regular fantasy story but twisted it in the end. Your characters have distinctive speech patterns, befitting of status and stuff. Very nice innovation there.

For grammar, watch out on use of dashes and how the things after them aren't supposed to be capitalized. Also, in dialogue, if it ends with a period, that period becomes a comma. Commas before ands and buts and conjunctions like those aren't necessary, and aren't correct at all when not used with two independent clauses. Otherwise, I didn't find too much.

Of course, there are flaws. Nothing's perfect. *points to her signature* The biggest problem I'm seeing is that it sometimes lacks emotion. Your characters are good, but the way you write it doesn't convey enough emotion. Two things to add for this: one, more elaboration. I talked about that in my monologue about the kissing scene and how you need to describe things in more detail. That could be applied to the ending scene with Sir Evan and Charlotte, or Sir Evan and her father. It'll be more emotive if you added more detail. Two, you need to not only describe, but use the description to add to the atmosphere and mood. For example, I could tell you that "there was a sunset in the sky." Do you know what was there? Yes. But does it add emotion, mood, atmosphere, tone, and all that jazz? Nope. Now, I'm not saying you have none, but you can have more. Now let's take that sunset. The setting is a battlefield where countless of dead litter the ground. Consider the mood there. Now write and describe it. Something like this, perhaps:

quote:

Clouds ploughed across the sky in thick plumes, suffocating the waning sun. As the daystar dipped below the horizon in a spray of crimson, the heavens flashed in a haze of yellow--like decay and poison. The dying light shone down on the bodies littering the ground, bathing them in a bloody glow...


Something to that extent. Now, we can take the same sunset and make it the end of a school day in a children's neighbourhood.

quote:

Wisps of cloud drifted over the sun like dandelions over roses. Streaks of gold shot through the horizon, reflecting off the trees below. The landscape shone like polished gems, ruby and marigold in the fading daylight...


That can be applied to everything that is written. When describing Charlotte, Michael, Sir Evan, Charlotte's father, ect describe them in order to give off the atmosphere you want. That applies to the setting as well. Think of the sights, smells, and sounds of the streets of Limani. Do you want it joyful? Festive? Crowded? Dirty? Grotesque? You have some of it already, but it has the potential to be a lot more emotive still. Keep that in mind especially in future writing. Don't tell me the necklace was red. Tell me if it looked more like roses, or like fire, or like rubies, or perhaps blood.

Finally, watch out for the "was verbing" thing Versy talked about. But he already talked enough that I can't say much more, lol.

Yeah, that's all I have to say. Good dialogue, plot, innovation. Try to add more detail and emotion to your descriptions of what's there and what's happening. Good luck sifting through my critiques to find what is helpful. ^_^

< Message edited by Firefly -- 9/21/2008 15:26:14 >
AQ  Post #: 6
8/20/2008 16:35:57   
  Master Samak
Productive!
Steward Leprechaun
L&L


Warning: This critique may be very similar to Firefly's, considering we both used the same copy of the story. The following are mere suggestions from a critiquer who doesn't deserve to title himself as such (not to mention stresses at the critiquing of ArchKnights' works). They may be disregarded at your leisure.

Thank you for allowing me to critique this:

The Wolf's Rebellion: Chapter One

1.
quote:

The day of the Grand Sowing Festival had come, and Limani had never looked more beautiful.
Okay, I should mention that I am very critical about repetitiveness. If there is anything that even hints it, even though it might not be, I will mention it.
Because "had come" is going to be used similarly in the following sentence, I would suggest the changing of this "come" to: "...Festival had arrived, and...". The word "arrived" seems more specific about an event than come, to me, and would therefore be preferable in this sentence.

2.
quote:

It was essential to the survival of Karros, and yet, Limani was the only city that celebrated it.
In my opinion, the use of "It" isn't the best word to place here. If I may, perhaps something like, "This process was essential..." or "This event was essential..." or "The Festival was essential..." or anything to that effect instead.
---- Also, it may be better to add or change: "...city that actually celebrated..." or "...city that had a celebration for it." I'm for the second one, but it depends on the decision from the first critique. My reason for this is that because this is the beginning of the story, it may be necessary to have more detail in the writing; a good foundation for the readers to build up in understanding from, if that makes sense.

3.
quote:

That night, in the Grand Hall of Limani, there would be many conversations, and even more discarded bottles of wine.
This seems a bit randomly placed, without a point, unless the addition of: "...of wine among them." is made. Still it is my opinion and can be ignored.
---- Also, I'm not sure if the bolded comma is necessary or correct here. It may need to be removed.

4.
quote:

But not now- at the moment, the King, the Lord and Ladies, and the Sacred Patriarch were all preparing themselves for the highlight of the day.
I admit I haven't seen a hyphen used in that position. I really don't know how to react to this, so I can only say that this may need to have a space on both sides of it. You caught me off guard... but... because this is an additional comment, this should be a dash instead of a comma—and there should not be spaces between the words.
To do this, hold the "Alt" key, type "0151", and then let go of the "Alt" key. There should not be two hyphens as a substitute. In summary, this may need to be: "But not nowat the moment..."

5.
quote:

A man bumped into him, another sign of the huge crowd out today.
This almost gave me the image of a sign, like a bulletin board. Maybe if it was, "...another indication of the..."?
---- Also, I'm unsure about the usage of "today". I don't know if the past-tense revokes it. It may need to be "...out that day.", but I could be wrong.

6.
quote:

But what would he expect?
The entire question itself doesn't seem to work well with me. This doesn't seem to match the present narrative that I've been reading. Asking the reader something is a bit questionable for me. If I were writing this, to be safe, I'd change this to, "But the prince readily expected it." or "The prince readily expected it, though." or something like that.

7.
quote:

These streets were full of vendors selling all sorts of food and goods, and were normally filled with people.
"These" may need to be "The", but that's just preference.
---- Also, because the sentence says that the streets were full of vendors, it may be necessary to change and/or add: "...and were naturally filled with people also."

8.
quote:

Today, it was near impossible to even walk through the streets, as stuffed as they were.
The tense "Today" thing. Just ignore it if need be.
---- Also, because the "streets" idea was written in the previous sentences, it may be best to change it to, "...even walk around, as stuffed...".

9.
quote:

Smells filled the streets, the good ones coming from the exotic spices the merchants were selling, the bad ones coming from the unwashed commoners.
Since "filled the streets" reference was already used, perhaps having it be, "Smells permeated the area, the..." or "Smells saturated the area, the...", would be best.

10.
quote:

The sun shone bright upon him, and sweat rolled down his face and neck.
The comma may not need to be used here. I don't know if these are truly independent clauses.

11.
quote:

He had been wandering these streets for around an hour now, looking for her.
The "now" may violate the past-tense setting.

12.
quote:

So far, his search has been fruitless.
Because this is set in the past-tense, "has" should be "had".

13.
quote:

As the light came down upon her, he saw that she was laughing.
I don't think that there is any movable light source, so this should probably need to be: "As she stepped into the light, he saw...".

14.
quote:

That was good- Michael always thought that she looked her best when she smiled.
This needs to be a dash with no spaces in between, so as to indicate a similar thought.

15.
quote:

She was walking toward him, her long black hair coming down over her face.
Versy has tainted me with his opinion toward "was". To create more 'action', this may need to be "She walked toward...".

16.
quote:

She was also wearing a new dress of a dazzling purple color, a beautiful necklace draped around her neck.
Due to the fact that the reader hasn't been introduced to anything previously that she wore, the "also" shouldn't be here.
---- Additionally, since there is the "was" reference again, this may need to be "She wore a new..."
---- Also, there may need to be an "and" here.

17.
quote:

She was walking toward him, her long black hair coming down over her face. She was also wearing a new dress of a dazzling purple color, a beautiful necklace draped around her neck.
Okay, now that that's out of the way, it may be necessary to change one of these "She's" at the beginning of the sentence. It seems lightly redundant.

18.
quote:

Combined with her laugh, it made her look more beautiful than Michael had ever seen her.
This should be "they", since it is the dress and the necklace combined.

19.
quote:

She grabbed him, and pulled him into the alleyway.
The comma here is very unnecessary. The two actions are very close together and wouldn't work well if the sentence had to pause.

20.
quote:

With that unusual strength that she seemed to get when she was emotional, she forced him up against the wall.
Using "that" seems to make the story informal in a way. I would advise very much to change this to "With the unusual...".
---- Also, there are a lot of "she"s in the sentence already, so it might be best to change this to "...emotional, Michael was forced up...".

21.
quote:

Her lips closed over his, and she kissed him.
The comma needs to be taken out, due to the fact that the thoughts are the same.
---- Also, I've never heard a kissing sentence described quite like this. This may need to be read over again, but I'm not too sure.

22.
quote:

Most of their time was like this- Charlotte would be the first one to admit that she was a very… ‘intimate’ woman, for lack of a better word.
The hyphen needs to be changed to a dash.
---- Also, the quotes on "intimate" don't need to be there, because of the pause from the ellipses. I'd remove them.

23.
quote:

“Charlotte,” he said, pulling her off of him.
I don't know if this is the right phrase for the sentence. It could be, but there might need to be more detail to the kissing scene to emphasize the "energy" of such a romantic action.... This could be, "...said, pulling away from her.", though.

24.
quote:

Michael had used this tone before,but only when he was discussing the most serious of matters.
I don't think these bolded parts are 'good' here. I think the sentence would be fine with just "...before, when discussing...".

25.
quote:

“Charlotte…” Michael stopped, seemingly unable to get the words out.
Because "stopped" was already used shortly before this, perhaps "...Michael hesitated..." instead?
---- Also, I really don't think the "seemingly" part is needed here. To use "seem" in any of its forms can sometimes just create not needed illusions; unimportant mysteries, if that makes sense. I really think the sentence would be fine without it.

26.
quote:

She tried to look him in the eyes, but he dropped his head, apparently not willing to look back up.
I'm hesitant on using "look in the eyes". I get the idea of using that for telling the truth, or something like that. It may not matter.
---- Also, the bolded comma should be removed. The sentence doesn't need to be prolonged and the thoughts aren't that different anyway.
---- Also, the "apparently" should go away. It is similar to "seemingly" in its use and may not help the narrative.
---- Also, removing "up" would be better here, since the sentence is talking about him avoiding her stare, not his will to lift his head again.

27.
quote:

The shadows in the alley, which had previously seemed to be nothing more than benign, now seemed both cruel and menacing.
The "seem" thing. Why not, "...which previously were nothing more than benign, now hung cruelly and menacingly around the two."?

28.
quote:

He was making some sort of noise… Was he choking?
The "was"-weakening thing again. Maybe "He made some...".

29.
quote:

She felt hysteria rising up in here, and the incessant chatter of the men in the streets did nothing to help it.
Hopefully a misspelled addition, "here" should be "her".

30.
quote:

“Michael? Michael, are you- Charlotte stopped, realizing what the sound was.
The hyphen should be a dash.
---- Also, the end quote is facing the wrong direction.
---- Also, "stopped" could be "broke off", seeing how "stopped" was used before in this way.

31.
quote:

Not choking, no- he was laughing.
The hyphen should be a dash with no space.

32.
quote:

“Ow! Charlotte, that hurts.”
Because the violent action is now in the past, it may be best to change "hurts" to just "hurt".

33.
quote:

He looked up, and despite his apparent pain, he was grinning at her.
The "his" could be changed to "the" since the reader realizes that the pain belongs to him already.
---- Also, the "was grinning" doesn't seem to fit the sentence (if you took the comma part out). I'd change that to "...pain, he grinned at her. The "at her" is optional, but it's your decision.

34.
quote:

Her face changed quickly, turning from a look of anger to a look of surprise, and then once more to a smile.
I don't recall when she first smiled... that is within the recent time limit. I'd take "once more" out.

35.
quote:

“It’s a Yerian Ring.” Michael said, pulling the ring out of his pocket.
Because the speaker is going to be revealed in the same sentence, the bolded period after "Ring" needs to be a comma.
---- Also, because Michael already said what the gift is, "the ring" should probably be changed to "it".

36.
quote:

Charlotte squinted, trying to get a closer look at the ring (but not too close- Charlotte, despite being a commoner, had been raised right and proper, and she knew it was ill manner to look a gift horse in the mouth).
I don't know if mentioning "the ring" again is needed, since the previous sentence did that already. I'd remove it.
---- Also, I'm very unsure about the usage of parentheses, but I will ignore that. Firstly, the "but" could be changed to "...(though not too closely...". Just a preference.
---- Also, the hyphen must be a dash with no spaces.
---- Also, to fit with the tense, "manner" needs to be "mannered".

37.
quote:

Michael gently grabbed her hand, and slid the ring onto her finger.
Even with "gently", the word "grabbed" still doesn't seem right for this. I would change "grabbed" to "took".
---- Also, the bolded comma must be removed. The two clauses aren't independent.

38.
quote:

As a little girl, she’d adored the tales, listening intently every time her father had told her one.
The "had" can be taken out here, even though it is in a distinct past-tense. I would take it out.

39.
quote:

Karra was prepared to accept the pain his inevitable murder would cause, if only so that they could enjoy their love now.
Using "his" to describe the murderer can make it seem like it is Karra's murderer, even though Karra is a woman. I'd play it safe and use "the" instead.
---- Also, I think changing "now" to "while they could." would make this easier to understand.

40.
quote:

Yeria had gone a month long journey, crossing all kinds of rugged terrain and fighting all kinds of terrible beasts in order to find the parts for the ring.
I don't think "gone" makes sense here. I'd change it to "underwent".
---- Also, the "all kinds of" seems repetitive here, even though they may be a deliberate pattern. I'd take them out, since the sentence is fine without them.

41.
quote:

After that, it had taken another month for Yeria to finish crafting the ring.
The ring was already mentioned in the previous sentence, so it may be best to change this to "it."

42.
quote:

It was said that he worked day and night on that ring, pouring his very soul into it.
"that" could also be "the", if you get my drift.

43.
quote:

When he finally presented it to Karra, she thought it was the most beautiful thing that she had ever seen (asides from Yeria himself, of course.)
I think the "he" and "it" can make this paragraph a bit repetitive on the ring. I think it would be fine as: "When finally presented to Karra...".
---- Also, I think the parenthesis can be replaced as a single dash. I really think it would be better.
---- Also, "asides" should be "aside", without the "s".

44.
quote:

But Charlotte also knew the darker side to the story of the ring.
The bolded part isn't necessary, since the reader has firmly established that the ring is still the matter in question.

45.
quote:

Karra would only wear the ring when Yeria was away, and there was a chance that he might not make it home.
I'm unsure if the comma is necessary. I'd take it out.
---- Also, to give a better image of death, perhaps this would be preferable: "...he might not come back alive."

46.
quote:

The ring, as beautiful as it was, was a symbol of death.
Because there is a "was" meeting in the sentence, I'd change this to "...ring, while beautiful, was a...".

47.
quote:

If someone gave a Yerian Ring out, it meant that that someone was about to embark on a journey, one in which their survival was not certain.
I think it would be best to change "that someone" to "...meant that the person was...".

48.
quote:

And don’t tell me you’re not doing anything- I know what this ring means just as well as you.”
Because "do", in any form, was used in the previous sentence, it may be best to change "doing" to "planning".
---- Also, the hyphen must be a dash without a space.

49.
quote:

Michael sighed, and gently stroked his hand through her hair.
The comma has to come out. Hopefully I don't need to say why.
---- Also, "stroked" would be seen more in "stroked her hair". Using it this way makes the sentence somewhat awkward. I'd change "stroked" to "brushed".

50.
quote:

“That’s one of the reasons why I love you… and I do love you, Charlotte, you know that.
This is iffy, but "do" may need to be italicized, so as to emphasize it.

51.
quote:

Charlotte was getting worried now.
There is the passive "was" again. I think it might be fine as it is, but it could be looked over again, just for kicks.
---- Also, the "now" isn't working well with me. I don't know if it is 100% necessary and the sentence would survive without it. I just see having words like "now" in that way makes the story more personal, like the author was telling a tale in front of an audience, instead of being like a book. I don't know if that made any sense....

52.
quote:

And I, Prince Michael Hargood, am going to support the war effort. My father, King Josset, is announcing it at his Royal Address today.
Okay, while I realize that this addition may be for the reader's benefit, it violently goes against the knowledge that Charlotte already has. She knows that Michael is the prince and his father is the king. I would have this either taken out, or be reworded very well to fit. Perhaps: "And I, as Prince Michael..." and "My father is announcing it...". I added "as" and took out "King Josset". The king's full name was already used in the beginning, anyway.

53.
quote:

Charlotte felt tears beginning to form in her eyes.
Using "Charlotte" here may be too soon of a time, though I don't see any alternative.

54.
quote:

She knew that everything he was saying was true, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
To go away from the passiveness, and to be informed that Michael had already finished "saying" what he wanted, "was saying" should be "said".

55.
quote:

She needed Michael to comfort her, to talk with her, to love her.
Perhaps the addition, "...needed Michael there to comfort..." would help to make it seem like she didn't want him to go, rather than wanting him to be there now to comfort her?

56.
quote:

And when he finally did hug her, pulling her close to his chest, she started crying.
Again, this seems more now, than later comfort. Maybe, "...when he embraced her..."?
---- Also, "...chest, she let her tears flow freely." could work here too, if only for more detail.

57.
quote:

For a time, they just stood there, holding each other.
I don't think this bolded comma should be there. I'd remove it.

58.
quote:

So, when a man walked into the alley, they were too distracted to even notice him.
I don't know if "even" is really needed here.

59.
quote:

“Today is the Grand Sowing Festival, and you’re still sad?”
I don't know if the comma should be there. I'm thinking not.
---- Also, the word "still" seems out of place here. It makes me think that they have been sad for a long time and the Festival hasn't helped improve it. I would change it to: "...and you're both sad?". Note the italic 'sad'.

60.
quote:

Michael turned to look, and saw just what he had expected: a heavily muscled knight, wearing a long black and crimson cloak.
Because "Michael" was already used in the previous sentence, this should be "He".
---- Also, the bolded comma might not need to be there.
---- Also, taking out "had" would give the same impression without the passiveness.

61.
quote:

At first she was surprised, then worried, but when she saw Michael start smiling, she smiled too.
This seems familiar.... This sentence may need revision to ward off repetitiveness. Maybe "She was surprised at the sudden arrival of the stranger, which quickly changed to worry when she wondered how long he had been there. Looking to Michael for direction, she noticed him smiling and chose to do the same." This is a raw, unedited suggestion and is prone to revision.

62.
quote:

From the way that the man laughed at this, Charlotte could tell this was a common joke between him and Michael.
I don't think the "that" is necessary here, in my opinion. I'd take it out.
---- Also, to not be repetitive on "this", perhaps changing the bolded "this" to "it" would be best.
---- Also, though I'm not sure, I was taught that the established names would come first concerning pronouns and conjunctions: "...joke between Michael and him." I could be wrong, though.

63.
quote:

They appeared to be good friends, despite the fact that Michael was only in his late teens and this ‘Sir Evan’ appeared to be around forty years old.
I would change the second "appeared" to "...Evans' looked thirty years older." or something like that. Your dice, though.

64.
quote:

It’s been a long time since I’ve wooed a maiden, Your Highness.” said Sir Evan, chuckling.
This bolded period needs to be a comma, since the speaker is mentioned in the sentence.

65.
quote:

Although you certainly don’t seem to be having any trouble in that area.”
There may need to be a comma after "Although", so as to indicate a pause, and also because of its conjunctive nature. (That sounded smart... and way over my head.)

66.
quote:

Charlotte blushed, and Michael laughed even harder.
Technically, Sir Evan has been the only one doing the laughing/chuckling, not to mention that he was just chuckling. "Michael" should be "Sir Evan", or there needs to be revision to make the present sentence accurate.

67.
quote:

“Pure luck, Sir Evan; although, while we’re on the topic, why don’t I introduce you two?
Because "although" has been recently used, I would change it to "though". Both are generally interchangeable.

68.
quote:

I am a humble servant of King Josset and Prince Michael, and serve as both the King’s right hand and as the leader of the Royal League
A solution to escape from using two "and"s would be this: "...Michael, serving as both...".
---- Also, there isn't anything missing from after "hand", is there? Probably not....

69.
quote:

Charlotte knew only faintly what the Royal League was, but from what she did know, they served as the King’s elite body guard.
The term referring to those responsible for another's safety is a compound word: "bodyguard". No spaces.
---- Also, because on the "they", it may need to be "bodyguards".

70.
quote:

If this man was truly the leader of the Royal League, he was a very powerful man indeed.
Only because I'm brainwashed to remember it this way "If... ,then...." I would add "...League, then he was...".

71.
quote:

My first and most important duty is to protect my realm, and its people.”
Because "duty" has been used, why not, "...most important obligation is..."?
---- Also, the comma may not need to be there, though it could be for added effect. Your choice.

72.
quote:

“People like you, my lady- although few are as charming.”
The hyphen needs to be the 0151 dash without spaces.
---- Also, the "although" has been used already, but I don't see any alternative, so... 'meh'.

73.
quote:

For the third time that day, Charlotte blushed again.
This could be "...Charlotte's face reddened in embarrassment.", or something like that.

74.
quote:

And, even though he was much older than her, Sir Evan was still quite handsome- and he had a personal charisma that even Michael could not match.
The hyphen needs to be a 0151 dash with no spaces.
---- Also, the "and" should be taken out. It would mess up the dashed information.

75.
quote:

Perhaps Michael should be getting worried, with competition like you.” Charlotte said, giggling.
The word "getting" is highly unnecessary. Michael should be at the state of worry, not warming up to become worried. I'd remove "getting".
---- Also, the bolded period needs to be a comma, since the speaker is mentioned in the same sentence.

76.
quote:

“Perhaps I should.” said Michael, laughing himself.
The bolded period needs to be a comma, since the speaker is mentioned in the same sentence as the dialogue.

77.
quote:

He sent me to tell you to come to the city square.”
Hmm.... I'd change this up a bit, somehow.... Maybe "...sent me to summon you to the city square."? I really don't know, so you'll have to find something.

78.
quote:

“Shouldn’t I be the one to do that, Sir Evan?” said Michael.
Perhaps "questioned" instead? I don't know....

79.
quote:

But now, you really need to be getting to the city square; the King’s request was quite urgent.”
The alternative, "...you really must go to the city...", would work here.

80.
quote:

Michael knew from the way he said this that Sir Evan was not going to be swayed on this topic.
Would "Michael know from the way that Sir Evan said this that the knight was not going to be swayed on the subject." be considered? This is only to clarify potential confusion.

81.
quote:

Alright- Charlotte, I need to go.
The hyphen needs to be a dash.
---- Also, the last bolded phrase seems unemotionally vague, in a way. Perhaps some more detail: "...Charlotte, I'm sorry I have to leave you." I'm not good at this, so you may need to find one.

82.
quote:

I promise you, Charlotte, I’ll be home soon.”
"home" was already used, and it doesn't seem to fit well here, to me. Maybe "...I'll return as soon as I can."? Just a suggestion.

83.
quote:

As soon as his disguise was properly on, Michael walked back out into the crowds, headed towards the center of Limani.
This seems familiar in some way. Perhaps a change: "As soon as he was disguised again, Michael..."?
---- Also, though this is technically correct, "headed" could throw up some confusion. Changing it to "heading" may be better.

84.
quote:

There was so much that she wanted to tell him, but she couldn’t manage to get any of it out.
The comma may need not be here, or it may. I'm not sure.

85.
quote:

Eventually, she was forced to settle for a simple ‘Goodbye.’ that she doubted he even heard.
I do get the idea, but I don't think the period should be there. I'd remove it.

86.
quote:

Charlotte did as she was told, and walked outside.
This seems a bit repetitive, since "Charlotte" was recently used in the previous sentence. I'd change it to "She".
---- Also, the comma shouldn't be here. The clauses are similar.
---- Also, because the command was to wait outside, it may be best to change this to "...told and left." or "departed" or "excused herself" or something like that, just so as to not repeat the previous sentence.

87.
quote:

The man grabbed the hands of the woman sitting next to him, and wrenched them off of his shoulder.
The comma shouldn't be here. It disrupts the flow of the sentence, which loses the effect trying to be made.

88.
quote:

“Get out.” said Jon Nanea (that was his name, Sir Evan remembered).
The bolded period needs to be a comma, since the speaker is in the same sentence.
---- Also, the parentheses can be converged into a though: "...Jon Nanea. 'That was his name', Sir Evan remembered.". It could also be, "...That was his name, Sir Evan remembered.". Still, not my decision to make.

89.
quote:

These two words were delivered quickly in a voice heavy with anger.
This could be "The", to shy away from 'these' and 'those'.

90.
quote:

But she didn’t- apparently, this woman was quite determined.
The hyphen needs to be a dash with no spaces.
---- Also, the "apparently," can be removed. It isn't important.
---- Also, "this" could be "the". I hope you know why.

91.
quote:

“Now, you just wait one minute--
The comma may not need to be there. It could work both ways, though.
---- Also, the two hyphens needs to be a 0151 dash.

92.
quote:

It was an open hand slap and hard enough that Sir Evan could hear it from across the room.
I don't think it matters on the slap's detail, and since 'hand' would be repetitive, would this be considered: "It was a hard enough slap that Sir..."?

93.
quote:

When he turned back to Sir Evan, however, he had a smile on his face.
This would work as "though", since "however" was used recently.

94.
quote:

“Hello, sir.” said Jon, walking toward the entrance.
I'm not sure, but since Evan in a knight, shouldn't this be "Sir"?
---- Also, the bolded period needs to be a comma because of the speaker's presence.

95.
quote:

Jon took a small half-bow in front of Sir Evan, before putting out his hand.
I'd change this to "him", since "Sir Evan" is going to be mentioned in the coming sentence.
---- Also, I'd change "his" to "a". Just a preference.

96.
quote:

Did you know that your daughter was having a relationship with Prince Michael?”
The bolded quotation is facing the wrong direction and needs to be corrected.
---- Also, Charlotte still is having the relationship, so "was" needs to be "is".

97.
quote:

Jon’s first reply was not an answer, but another question.
I don't know if "first" is really necessary here....

98.
quote:

Jon’s reply was nervous, and came through in a quiet, soft voice.
This is rather repetitive. I'd change it to, "His response was...".

99.
quote:

Sir Evan knew that this meant Jon knew the implications of what his daughter had done.
I believe the "that" is out of place here. It would be better at "...meant that Jon...".
---- Also, the second "knew" is repetitive. I'd change it to "was aware with".

100.
quote:

A Prince or Princess loving one of a common blood was something that had been forbidden since Karros, at least until they became King or Queen.
In my opinion, the "a" is not needed here. I'd very much take it out.
---- Also, there is a cliff-hanger at "since Karros". Since it what? I'd put, "...forbidden since the creation of Karros, at least..."

101.
quote:

(King Josset himself took full advantage of that rule- Sir Evan himself personally knew of over two dozen women that the King had ‘loved’, if you wanted to call it that.)
The hyphen needs to be a spaceless dash.
---- Also, the bolded "himself" shouldn't be there, in my opinion. The point is still made without it.
---- Also, I'm hesitant on the last part where the narrator actually speaks to the reader. This may need looking at. Or not.

102.
quote:

“If I was not sure, I would not be here right now.
The "was not" and "would not" seems robotic. I'd change them into contractions.
---- Also, because "Now" is going to be used in the coming sentence, I'd remove "right now.

103.
quote:

Now, you did not answer my question: Did you know, or did you not?”
This could be re-worded as "Did you, or did you not know?"

104.
quote:

Sir Evan had used that tone many times, and knew that it was something that got him results.
His name was just used, so I'd change "Sir Evan" to "He".
---- Also, the comma may not be required here.

105.
quote:

“No, of course I didn’t know!” said Jon
Becaues Jon is exclaiming, it may be best to change "said" to "snapped" or something.

106.
quote:

I am not some helpless wench, to be frightened by a few harsh words.
The comma may not need to be here. It may disrupt the sentence's flow.
---- Also, the bolded "words" may need to be changed to "remarks", since "words" is going to be used better in the following sentence.

107.
quote:

So, what is it you want?
I would very much take the "So" out. It makes it seem like Jon is changing the mood in a way, which isn't appealing.

108.
quote:

I know of you, Sir Evan, and I know that you are one of the King’s bondsman.
The "and" is optional. It can be taken out if need be.

109.
quote:

So, I’m guessing that you’ve come here to stop the relationship, and stop me from talking about it, correct?”
"the" could be "this", so as to better indicate the prince's one.

110.
quote:

Jon chuckled, and his grin widened.
The comma may need to be removed here. The clauses are far from independent.

111.
quote:

And all I ask for in return is a small gift from the King.said Jon.
The bolded period needs to be a comma.
---- Also, it may be helpful to change said to "added", in light of the sentences' placements.

112.
quote:

“As it so happens, Jon, we brought a gift for you.”
This may need to be "he has", since it is referenced to the King.

113.
quote:

Sir Evan winked at Jon, and reached his hand towards his pocket.
The comma needs to go away. There shouldn't be a break in this sentence.

114.
quote:

And towards his sword.
Using "And" again makes it seem like Evan is stretching his hand for both his pocket and his sword at the same time. I'd change this to "Then".

115.
quote:

“The first of many, I hope.” Sir Evan had not been named the leader of the Royal League for nothing, and his swordsmanship was impeccable.
The dialogue here clashes with the narration. I'd suggest a line break so as to separate the dialogue.
---- Also, the bolded "and" needs to be removed. The comma takes the place for it, in a way. The "and" would make the reader think that Evan's swordsmanship wasn't the reason for him being the leader, which it is.

116.
quote:

Blood covered the inside of his shirt, turning the white cotton into an ugly red.
Yeah... I think blood would cover the outside of his shirt too. So, I'd take that part out.

117.
quote:

“Unfortunately, this is all- but I’m quite sure it will do the job.”
The hyphen needs to be a dash.
---- Also, would "...quite sure it is more than adequate." be better? I think that makes it seem more like a gift than a murder.

118.
quote:

“Charlotte- Come here!
The hyphen needs to be a 0151 dash.

119.
quote:

When Sir Evan nodded, she smiled, and started walking with a slightly quicker pace.
"walking" had already been used recently, so I'd change this to "...smiled, and came with a..." or something to that effect.

120.
quote:

Sir Evan waited- Once she got close enough, the kill would be quick and easy.
Hyphen to a dash.

121.
quote:

“Charlotte- Run!”
Hyphen to a dash, or I would change the hyphen to a comma.

122.
quote:

Charlotte hit the ground hard, and she heard the crack as her ankle broke.
This could also be, "Hitting the ground hard, she heard a crack...".

123.
quote:

In but a second, Sir Evan was upon her.
I don't know if the comma is necessary. Still, this could also be, "Sir Evan was upon her in but a second."

124.
quote:

“You’re supposed to be a knight!” she said.
Using "said" kind of kills the building action. I'd change this to "shrieked" or "sobbed" or something dramatic.

125.
quote:

Tears were coming from her eyes now, in a long stream.
I'd very much change this to "Tears were streaming from her eyes."

126.
quote:

There was no joy in that smile, save that of the sadistic variety.
I'd change this to "his grin", since 'smile' was just used, and grinning seems to be more carefree, like he doesn't care about morals.

127.
quote:

“What do you plan on telling the Prince, then?
Given their relationship, wouldn't it be better for her to say "Michael"?

128.
quote:

He’s going to notice it when his love is gone , and if he finds out what happened, he’ll kill you!”
I don't know if "it" is needed here. The "it" would substitute the 'love is gone'. I'd take "it" out.
---- Also, I think it would be better to have Charlotte talking in the first person, rather than the third: "...when I'm not there, and...". Note that I changed "gone" to "not there".
---- Also, I believe that it would be better to have Charlotte talking in hopeful justice, if that makes sense: "...and when he finds out...".

129.
quote:

Her tears were still coming, but they were now tears of anger, not of sadness.
It may be better to have this be, "...tears still came, but...". Just my opinion, though.

130.
quote:

If she was going to die, she wouldn’t die drowning in her own self pity.
The if, then thing. I'd add: "...to die, then she wouldn't...".

131.
quote:

“You really think the Prince loves you?” said Sir Evan, laughing.
Because its a question, perhaps "asked" instead?

132.
quote:

Is it your charm, your wit, your kindness… or, more likely, is it your body?
This seems blunt. Maybe, "attractive figure" or something? And then add that Sir Evan tries to caress her and she shies away, causing him to chuckle—or something like that.

133.
quote:

Don’t worry- he’ll find much better maidens than you, my dear, and when he does, he’ll forget all about you.
The hyphen needs to be a 0151 dash.

134.
quote:

With but a coin, I could find much better.”
I think adding: "...I could find much, much better." would give a better emphasis, in my opinion.

135.
quote:

It was humorous watching her reactions to what he said, yes, but Sir Evan needed to end this and get himself to the King.
"told her" could work in place of "said".
---- I'm just a bit unsure about "get himself to the King". It just seems a bit awkward. If it can be revised in any way, then so much the better.
---- Also, "King" has the potential to not be capitalized. According to this noun's use, it refers to the person, not the title. I'd decapitalize it.

136.
quote:

Sir Evan laughed again.
Sir Evan hasn't laughed for some time, actually. Either this'll have to be taken out, or the story will have to adapt to fit this statement.

Critiquing Complete!!!

This was a very captivating story, I must say. The plot was good, the betrayal/thing was unexpected—it had me guessing until the very, very end. I thought the events were sad, but that should give cause for you to be commended, since you were able to write it.

There were certain errors regarding punctuation, symbols, the use of commas, and repetitiveness. Ignore the repetitiveness, though, for I always hyperbolize that. The only suggestion to this is just to look back over your work, yet again, with a critical eye for those kind of things.
Also, it wouldn't hurt to research the correct time to use commas.
I truly hope the 0151 dash helps in the future.
This is the second longest critique I've done (Ziox's The Last Stand is still first.) That's not a bad thing, mind you.

None of that matters a whole lot, though, because the story was still excellent. The characters, the setting, everything was able to be imagined in my mind—and that's a good thing, imagery. I, of course, am in suspense as to what will happen next. But for now, this was a good chapter.

Again, thank you for allowing me to attempt to critique your work,

Master Samak

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 8/20/2008 23:27:32 >
AQ DF  Post #: 7
9/21/2008 15:29:42   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Are you ready for this? No, really! I'm not kidding! I'm finally finished the critique!

Have fun looking through it, Rational. Feel free to ask me if you have any questions or comments. I might've typoed a few times in there, so it might get confusing. I also revisited some of the typoed ones and corrected them, though there are plenty I didn't get.

Also, have a look at the overall feedback I put in the end of the critique. It might help in future writings.

I wish you best of luck in your literary ventures. ^_^

_____________________________

AQ  Post #: 8
11/8/2008 11:42:09   
RATIONALPARANOIA
Member

Alright, I just put up Chapter 2. I apologize for the long delay between chapters... Football season just railroaded my writing completely. I was unprepared for how much work I'd had to do for the season, and for how tired it would make me. But anyway, my writing's back on track now, and I hope it'll stay that way. :D
AQ  Post #: 9
11/8/2008 12:21:06   
Firefly
Lore-ian


I read the second chapter last night. Let's see if I can scavage enough from my memory to make this comment worth its while.

I liked how you characterized the characters with their names, personalities, and appearances. The brothers are interesting, the conflict in both scenes was interesting, and I like how you made Angel and Ferus's names seem unlike their looks. I really look forward to what's in store for this.

One of the things that stuck out to me was how many times the characters' names are reused. "Brandon" in the first scene; "Angel" in the second scene. Maybe try to tone down the name usages so it's not too repetitive?

Also, objections with the opener:

quote:

Brandon's head was pounding, and the light flooding in through the windows irritated his eyes. Brandon was also lying on an uncomfortable wooden floor

I suggest you don't open with passage voice. "pounded" is much stronger than "was pounding."
Repetition of Brandon, was, ect. I know it's intentional, but I don't think it worked. Maybe. "He lay on an..."? That gets rid of Brandon, was, and also which all annoyed me for some reason. =P

Also, except for the last lines, I don't think you italicized the thoughts. Like here:

quote:

Probably some of the King's servants, he thought as he slipped on his shirt. I'll have to look nice at the Royal Address, at least if I want to go through it without hearing the King lecture me.

I can't remember if there were more thoughts other than these and the last lines.

Hmm, I suggest you add more setting description here. The character descriptions were better here than in the first chapter, imo, but I don't think you described the setting enough here. Maybe more to set up the mood/atmosphere better?

Otherwise, I liked this addition. It was clear and enjoyable to read, giving just enough info to make me want to read on. Good work.
AQ  Post #: 10
11/13/2008 21:24:56   
RATIONALPARANOIA
Member

Alright, so here's the story- I was going to write Chapter 3, but I decided to simply add what would be Chapter 3 to Chapter 2. Now, Chapter 2 is no longer so much shorter than Chapter 1, which I like. Anyway, bare with my weirdness here. I just like things in a neat order. >.<
AQ  Post #: 11
11/16/2008 18:20:43   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Hah! Liking things in a neat order... I got mass protest the day I mentioned I wanted to reorganize my chapters. <_< >_> =P

Anyhow, finished the newest update. Actually, to me, I don't think the verb "to be" was used all that badly. Yes, it was used a lot. Yes, it is a weaker verb. But sometimes, "was" is like "said" in dialogue--it doesn't stick out; it's almost invisible. Sometimes, nice and simple actually works. I didn't mind it at all here. Of course, using "was" less isn't a bad idea either. If it's not the best choice, use another verb. If you have to, control + f all the "was" "were" "being" ect.

I found this update very... funny. In a good way. It made me laugh. Patriarch Memnar is funny, lol. Thanks for entertaining me! ;) Heavens, I need a bit of light fantasy after spending all afternoon writing dark fantasy...

Oh, and Tyrin? Isn't that just one letter away from the name of one of my characters? =P

Hmm, random comment, but while I like the informal/humourous style, I think you might've taken it too far in the first paragraph. Removing a few contractions should be enough to fix the problem. For the later parts of people arriving in strange company, ect. don't change! They're awesome! Really funny!

Okay, I better say something useful. Description. Description, description, description. Needz moar description! Really. Okay, it's not bad. Your description of the Kertyrs was pretty good, though more metaphors and detail can't hurt. But no one else had any description about them... I remember you once telling me that the royal family looked amazingly beautiful and no one could match them in this regard, so I really looked forward to the descriptions. Er... I'm not seeing it here. Also, you didn't describe the hall. Due to what I've analyzed about your style, I don't think you're purposefully going for the no-description Hemingway style, right? Anyhow, I dunno what else to say except that I repeat my comment about your AQ fanfiction: describe to me everything (and after you do that, I'll complain about wordiness and force you to cut a part of it away, but we'll get there later. =P)

Other than the lack of description, I really don't have too much to pick at. I like this. Very intriguing. Everything else was very well done, only I want you to describe more, lol.
AQ  Post #: 12
12/11/2008 23:12:14   
Alixander Fey
Member

[meep]When are you writing more?[/meep]

Lol, we IRC all the time so you know what I think but I promised you'd be my first post. =P /me snuggles the rat AK person with mansnuggles

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 12/11/2008 23:45:47 >
DF  Post #: 13
7/31/2009 23:49:26   
RATIONALPARANOIA
Member

Yes... I suppose before I say anything else, I'll say hello to everyone again.. I apologize for my long, long, long, LONG absence... I had a lot of personal stuff that I was going through. On the other hand, I was able to get a lot of writing done. I'm about... 60,000 words into the first TWR book right now (none of it really edited so far, though). I decided that just to start off with, I'd put up the third chapter- not really my best writing, I think, but I hope that you guys will like it. As always, comments are much appreciated.
AQ  Post #: 14
8/1/2009 11:56:10   
ringulreith
Member

I'm reading through it now, but this just caught my attention:

quote:


Michael worked his way through city, his light blue eyes darting back and forth. The sun shone bright upon him, and sweat rolled down his face and neck.


That should be the city.
Post #: 15
8/2/2009 23:40:05   
Sentharn
Member

Such a small comment thread? INJUSTICE. INSULT.

Oooh, the story's warming up now! Like I said in IRC, there was one area I think that needs italics:

"…I don’t know this woman at all. She could be dangerous, could be a traitor… And no matter what I say, I’ll make some of this group unhappy. All the faces in the street were gazing at the Prince, awaiting what he’d say. But I trust Lord DeGarrick. If he thinks it’s a good idea, then that’s good enough for me." -- Like so.

I utterly *love* the random peach. It raises the epicness level of the story by a considerable amount. =P
Post #: 16
8/2/2009 23:56:20   
Jadugarr
Member

This is not a cute story.

I need a moment to catch my breath now, thanks.
DF MQ  Post #: 17
8/3/2009 17:39:16   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Peach? Peach? *summons Renly*

Ahem. True commenting begins here. I really see the Martin influence, even in the name spellings.

What I liked: the second scene of chapter three. It has great pacing, with enough description to give me a picture and not too much to overload me. I really liked the touch about the body guard in the end. I suggest you make the last two paragraphs a separate scene, though, since it's a change in POV. Persephone's reflections on her relationship with Michael was quite touching. I'd rather you describe a bit more in the well scene though--it appears that you've described the unimportant streets more than the important well, which doesn't balance out. The colour of the stone? The size of the well? The glimmer of the gold coin as she tosses it in? Add, add.

What I comparatively disliked, slightly: the first scene. It's actually a more eventful and important scene, but it just wasn't as well written. It is slightly unbelievable that Michael notices Ilia before his guards do, but perhaps I'm drawing conclusions from my own misconceptions rather than story canon. I think the main thing off with this scene is the pacing. Michael's internal monologues dragged on too long, and the action (not just the mini-fight, just actions in general) happened too fast. And I'm not sure how you can fix it, but you're kinda pulling off an informed ability thing here. Michael's guards were introduced as being some of the best fighters in the kingdom, and their first fight has them being owned--heck, they were owned without even fighting. I know Ilia surpasses them, and it simply reflects her ability rather than their ineptitude, but the readers will simply have to take your word for it 'cause everything is told, not shown. Maybe it's just me. I find it annoying and unbelievable when a character is introduced as being dangerous and ends up being useless. It doesn't add up.

Other than that, I really did enjoy the chapter, and you're introducing quite a few interesting new characters while expanding on the current ones. I really hope Jessica doesn't turn out to be a faux action girl, but even if she does, Ilia will make up for it. In terms of grammar, watch out on how you punctuate your dialogue. Never use a period before a speech tag--a comma is always the more appropriate punctuation. Otherwise, good job with the chapter and good luck with the story.

And 60K? Wow. Take that number and wave it in front of Alix's face, will ya? And don't worry about having not edited it. I haven't even /typed/ most of what I've written, and a lot of the typed stuff need severe changes because the plot and characters are receiving upgrades. Compared to all that mess, having a few typos and run on sentences to fix sounds like heaven, haha.
AQ  Post #: 18
8/29/2009 23:08:35   
RATIONALPARANOIA
Member

Thanks for the comments, guys (and gals)! /me snuggles all who commented Oh... and Chapter 4 is now up. A little late, I know- just things have been pretty busy lately.
AQ  Post #: 19
8/30/2009 0:07:40   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Ah, thank you for remembering my gender! I swear, even my closest online friends seem to forget sometimes... XD

Read Chapter four. We already talked about the detailed stuff on IRC, so I'll just leave a hopefully comprehensible general comment here.

I'm getting excited, 'cause it looks like the action is finally gonna begin. You do a good job at showing the different characters' personalities: Brandon's rudeness, Michael's politeness, Johnathan's observation skills (though it might be because he's the POV), and Francis's... childishness? Not sure if that's the right word. Anyhow, I don't think it was /too/ infodumpy, especially since it can't be avoided. Maybe trim down a bit on the elves' origin and stuff. Those things can be conveyed in greater detail later. Keep to what is important to the mission, such as the power of the Timeless One(s). And this is a really picky comment, but /why/ does the misconception that elves have pointy ears exist? They do on earth, but since they never did in your world, it feels like you're using it as an excuse for saying Our Elves Are Better.

I do like how you put interruptions into the story, and how you added detailed actions. A bit more of that would be good, and actions that add more to the story. As for the interruptions, I hope you have the characters /comment/ on what is being said, rather than simply asking what happened next. Like, think about our IRC conversations (for the lack of a better example). If I'm telling you about how the chess player tries to win against the immortal in Story X, would you ask, "what happened next?" Chances are, you'd probably say a comment, such as "Oh, the chess player can't win. He's really talented, but the immortal had thosands of years to practice"

The ending was awesome. I love how you linked it to the theme, and how much realism you're channelling into the story. However, I... do recommend you take out the tear. Don't get me wrong, I love it when tough characters show their softer side. But it's only special if used sparingly, or else it cheapens the effect. Think of Rei from Neon Genesis Evangelion (random person who reads this post: Woah, first IRC conversation, then anime? What's this person thinking?). How many times did she cry? Once. Once in the whole series. And that really added the edge to her characterization. Her one tear affected the audience, but if she cried all the time, her sacrifice and tears wouldn't have been nearl as powerful.

So, crying should be used sparingly. And usually later on into the story, if the character is tough and in a major role. I personally find it much more impacting if someone cries because of what is happening right now, not because they're thinking about a particularly sad memory. It might be the way my mind works. Maybe because I think memories are things of the past, so crying about them doesn't affect the audience as much 'cause they know it can't be changed.

Or maybe it's because I'm currently reading a novel where I'm sick and tired of the main characters crying, so I pounce on you the moment I see a tear in your chapter, haha.

But yeah, I really love how this story is shaping up, your world and elf lore are wonderful, and I just have a few suggestions as I stated above. Write on!
AQ  Post #: 20
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