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Worth His Weight In Words - Poetry - Comments

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8/22/2008 1:09:06   
.::oDrew
Member

Here's the thread. Why over-complicate things?

< Message edited by .::oDrew -- 3/2/2009 18:03:15 >
Post #: 1
9/1/2008 16:23:59   
Elnaith
Member

Hey Rawrzie ;),

Nice poems, I'm not the romantic poem type (Although I do write em sometimes) But I did feel some of your desperation, it came out really well.

Slight note: "perhaps, someday, I'll read you like a novel - "

Any reason why the I is capitalized here, for it seems like you wanted no capitals in the poem?

I love the "slow" effect in the poem, it really helps it.

For the first one:

"Reason's a cruel, blind, foolish judge. " I'd delete one of them and turn it in * and *, for now it breaks up the rhythm in your poem.

"It's - honestly - ironic, how
The purest, whitest, brightest light " same here. I'd put the how to the line it belongs to too.


"It must be felt, understood, confessed. " This does sound good because it builds up to a climax.


I look forward to your other work,

Cheers'

- El
AQ DF  Post #: 2
9/1/2008 16:27:58   
.::oDrew
Member

Thanks Elly!

Nice catch on that single uppercase "I." :P

I think I worked in the other changes you mentioned pretty well, if I may say so myself.

Thanks again! :D
Post #: 3
9/2/2008 11:28:03   
~Shade~
Member

I've already looked at your stuff before-ish, just read the first one, so this critique shouldn't be too hard.

Overall, I'm giving your work a thumbs-up. The style is excellent, and I love the way you've titled the thread and your poems. They look excellent!

Your poems themselves are great as well.

"Oh, sweet lunacy" is so excellent, I think I'm printing it out. It has a certain air to it, a bit of charm and wit, with a deeper meaning as well. It pulls these two together, and pulls it off well.

"Madame" is good as well. I find the neat style of capitalization (reminiscent of e.e. cummings) to be quite interesting. It helps the poem flow as well, not encumbered by heavy capitals. If that makes sense.

Both of them are quite good.

I'm sorry I can't really do much better.

~Shade~
Post #: 4
9/2/2008 11:35:35   
.::oDrew
Member

Thanks very much! Like I said in the thread introduction, simply knowing that my work is read & appreciated is a compliment in and of itself. Glad you enjoyed them, more should be coming soon.
Post #: 5
9/2/2008 20:40:30   
.::oDrew
Member

New poem up, "On the Passing of Days."
Post #: 6
9/3/2008 1:43:20   
~WolfBane~
Member

Love all of it, oDrew, especially the earliest and latest ones.
BEST POET EVER, OR BEST POET EVER?!?!?!?!
AQ  Post #: 7
9/3/2008 1:44:07   
.::oDrew
Member

BOTH!??!?!

:OOO
Post #: 8
9/3/2008 2:06:58   
~WolfBane~
Member

it's a possibility.
a slim one, but a possibility.
:o
OKAY, YOU'VE GOT ME, YOU'RE THE BEST AND THE BEST.

< Message edited by ~WolfBane~ -- 9/3/2008 2:17:25 >
AQ  Post #: 9
9/3/2008 2:14:16   
.::oDrew
Member

*Strokes chin thoughtfully.*

I zink I see vat you are sayingk, der. Ja.
Post #: 10
9/3/2008 8:54:01   
~Shade~
Member

Oooh! I love your newest! I think it's the best out of the three.

~Shade~
Post #: 11
9/3/2008 9:49:49   
.::oDrew
Member

Thanks! I spent considerably much more time on this one - I'm a little annoyed that it didn't turn out to be any longer. :P

Glad to hear you guys like it, though! :D!
Post #: 12
9/3/2008 20:55:08   
.::oDrew
Member

Today, I began working on an epic poem, titled Thyself.

No, really, an epic poem.

It's still a work in progress, but I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on what I have so far. :D
Post #: 13
9/3/2008 21:21:40   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 An epic poem? You /know/ I've got to read this. Welcome to the club, TR. It currently consists of only you, me, and MM (forgive me if I miss somebody), but it'll grow. Or not. I dunno. =P

I didn't really read it to critique. There were a few iffy lines, but I kept the review to the more obvious things that stuck out and were easy to fix.

quote:

of course, the boys may have been unintentionally - though unavoidably - effected.

I think "affected" is the word you want here.

quote:

each time she reads her magazine,

"every" makes more sense/is more powerful here, imo.

Wow. How... pro and modern. Sounds like something a literary magazine would want. Very good job.
AQ  Post #: 14
9/3/2008 21:32:39   
.::oDrew
Member

Hai Firefly! :D! <3! :o! n_n!

The company of Firefly and MisterMafio sounds like very fine company indeed. I take that as a compliment. (b^-^)b

Hmm...Quite honestly, both "effected" and "affected" would work, it just changes the meaning a bit. Originally, I didn't particularly intend to imply that the boys were feeling any particular emotion, just that they were effected by the girl. Again, hmm.

I went with "each" because it rhymes quite clearly, but now that I think about it, so does "every." I suppose there's enough rhyming going on as it is that I could sacrifice alliteration for emotion.


Thank you kindly for the critiques and the compliments - both are especially cherished coming from a grammarian of your standing. n___n

EDIT: I ended up going with "ev'ry." :P

< Message edited by TEH RAWRZ -- 9/3/2008 21:34:21 >
Post #: 15
9/4/2008 19:48:05   
.::oDrew
Member

Thyself, which - in my opinion - is the absolute best, longest, most notable poem I have ever written...

...is finally complete!


Please, please, please, read it, and post your reactions. It would mean a lot to me, artistically and personally. :)
Post #: 16
9/4/2008 21:23:07   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 Finished reading it. Really have nothing to say except repeating the stuff from last time. Really impressive stuff. I like the imagery and you have a good sense of tone and flow. Not a lot to say there except perhaps pad it out better next time. For example, the sudden exclamations at the end of three and last of four seemed a bit sudden, even a bit preachy. Just watch out for sudden transitions. They're pretty common but unwanted in both prose and verse. Otherwise, I don't have much to say.
AQ  Post #: 17
9/4/2008 21:40:17   
.::oDrew
Member

I would agree that transitions are a weak point of mine. However, I sometimes like it when the tone changes suddenly - it can really grab your attention if you execute it properly. I'll certainly look into it.

That being said, glad to hear you (still?) liked it. :)
Post #: 18
9/4/2008 23:16:53   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 Curse you for luring me into your poetry with that epic. =P

I read all three, and loved all three. I especially like your imagery and language, along with your almost perfect balance of the surreal and the concrete. I think Madame was my favourite, if only because it had the most powerful ending. If you know me, you'll know that I'm a big sucker for strong endings. =P

In terms of actual "mistakes," only found two in "Madame"

quote:

the very entity causing this psycho-emotional strain -

Is the hyphen really supposed to be there? Looks outta place. Doesn't seem to make sense to join those words... Is it perhaps a dash? If so, I'd use space or longer length ect. to indicate. Looks like it shouldn't be there at all though....

quote:

why should i be so blessed

as to catch an angel.

Shouldn't the period at the end be a question mark? It seems more like a question than a statement, with the "why" thing...

Yeah, not too much to say in terms of criticism. Might want to watch out for some unnecessary prepositions and wordiness, but it's all very minor. It's, on the whole, fairly streamlined. You've also got a very abundant vocab. ;) Nice style too. ^_^
AQ  Post #: 19
9/5/2008 1:17:31   
.::oDrew
Member

quote:

Curse you for luring me into your poetry with that epic. =P


Sorry. :(


Much like yourself, I wasn't entirely sure if "psycho-emotional" was an actual word, so I googled that exact phrase. This article popped up, so...I guess it's a word. I think I picked it up in that psychology class I took last year. b___b

True about the question mark thing, though.


Mua ha ha. Perhaps I did plan for you to fall into my inescapable trap of linguistics, so that you would eventually provide feedback for everything I'd ever written. >:P

But you'll never know, 'cause it's a secret. ;o
Post #: 20
9/5/2008 17:08:11   
.::oDrew
Member

Just wanted to give Firefly the ol' tip of the hat for seconding my nomination. :D

So...yeah. Thank you, Fireflyyy. n_n
Post #: 21
9/5/2008 17:13:24   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 You're welcome. ^_^

About the pscycho-emotional thing: my bad. I read it as something else. I read the whole line as if the psycho had nothing to do with the emotional. Sorry. I thought of it in a rather wonky way. =P
AQ  Post #: 22
9/5/2008 17:17:56   
.::oDrew
Member

Wonky. Hahaha. I have never heard that word before in my life.

So yeah, in case anyone's curious, I'm stilling plugging away at new poems. I have a few ideas for what the themes might be, but developing the actual content is taking some time. Presumably because I'm trying to expand my poetic horizons a bit - which I actually decided upon before reading Firefly's nomination, although the reassurance was quite nice. :D
Post #: 23
9/9/2008 17:36:37   
.::oDrew
Member

Since I currently seem to be experiencing a bit of writer's block, I thought I might re-post some of my older works. They're quite admittedly not as good as the new ones, but it's actually quite intriguing to see how I've progressed. There's three or four old poems I've posted, go check 'em out! :D
Post #: 24
9/22/2008 12:41:12   
.::oDrew
Member

New poem up, "Galatea."

It is about an ocean. ^o^;

< Message edited by TEH RAWRZ -- 9/22/2008 12:44:44 >
Post #: 25
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