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9/7/2008 15:59:53   
The Extinguisher
Member

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=14727279

A small short story. Very short. Wrote if for English Class.
Hope you enjoy it.
Post #: 1
9/14/2008 23:58:00   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Ah, something short. ;) I really enjoyed reading that. I loved how you portrayed how he could pick out all the little details but didn't manage to remember the things that matter. It's a very strong feeling you give up. Good job. ^_^

I did catch a few typos and I do have a few suggestions. I hope they are helpful.

quote:

I remember you getting so angry at me for it.

Imo, "so angry" is a little weak. Perhaps take out the "so" or simply change the two words to a single, more powerful word (eg. "furious with" as opposed to "so angry at").

quote:

I could pick out every single think you've worn on every date we've ever had

"thing"

quote:

but I couldn't even tell you your mother's name.

Hmm, the way you're phrasing it is, imo, a wee bit awkward. How about a simple "But I couldn't even recall your mother's name" or something?

quote:

It's messed up, isn't it.

Since "isn't it" marks it as a rhetorical question, perhaps a question mark at the end?

quote:

My brain going crazy to keep me say.

"sane"?

quote:

It's always so clear. I can feel them in front of me always, being held by awkward teenage hands.

I don't really like the repetition... Perhaps change the second one to "forevermore" or take it out entirely.
AQ  Post #: 2
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