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9/10/2008 15:28:45   
Yagno2000
Queen of Blades


Darkthorn

This is a story I conceived a while ago. It focuses on a rising conflict in Darkovia forest and the actions of the titular character to subvert this conflict. I wish to explore a few themes with this story, specifically the nature of trust, the nature of hate, and how these two forces interact with each other. I also want to explore the relationship between Safiria and the Werewolf King, the two monarchs of Darkovia Forest. Rather than depicting this as a one-dimensional power conflict between the two, I've chosen to expand upon the nature of their interactions and their antagonism.

I generally plan several chapters ahead as I write. At this current point in time, I have not yet decided on a resolution, only the next several steps of my characters' respective journeys. My characters do tend to each be of extraordinary talent because frankly I find "ordinary" characters doing great things to be a dull and overused device. However, I don't plan to make too much of a point of this; Darkthorn will not be a series of battles depicted in writing, Darkthorn will be a story that explores the politics and motivations behind the conflict(s) in Darkovia. So ideally my characters will be fighting more with words and subterfuge than swords.

Please leave as much criticism as you can muster so that I may continually improve the quality and richness of Darkthorn's story and atmosphere. Above all, I hope you enjoy reading!

Thanks!

< Message edited by Yagno2000 -- 9/10/2008 15:52:38 >
Post #: 1
9/10/2008 15:37:55   
Yagno2000
Queen of Blades


Update:

  • Ch I
  • Ch II.A
  • Ch II.B
  • Ch II.C
  • Ch III.A
  • Ch III.B
  • Ch IV


I've just written Chapter IV. I haven't edited it much, so there will most certainly be tonal inconsistencies. I apologize in advance, and ask that if you should find any place this chapter may need improvement, please share.

Also, I seemed to have plenty of trouble typing "her" rather than "here" while writing this chapter. That relic may still be present after editing; please share if you find such an error.

I think Chapter IV and Chapter III.B have been my favorites so far. The things I'm most excited to explore in this story are the bonds between Safiria and The Werewolf King (illustrated in Chapter IV) and the bonds holding Aces, Kale, and Oren together (illustrated in Chapter III.B. Oren's and Kale's companion Aces hasn't yet made his appearance in this story, but he's looking to be a mighty interesting character. His formal appearance won't be for a while, but keep your eyes open for hints of him or references to him in the meantime.

Edit: Yes, I used the word "witch" nine times in Chapter IV. The Werewolf King is fond of that word. He told me.

< Message edited by Yagno2000 -- 9/10/2008 15:49:14 >
Post #: 2
9/12/2008 18:52:19   
Circe
Stand Back


I'm so mad at you for leaving me hanging.

You're very descriptive and it's an interesting plot. Write more now D:<


Fine. Bossy.

Sometimes you overuse modifiers. Sometimes, it's perfect and truly paints the picture the way imagery is supposed to. But other times the content gets lost in the delivery.

Example: "Seemingly more interested in her delicately livid fingers than the proceedings, the queen looked down suddenly at her prisoner with a brilliantly bewitching smile, her eyes flaring furiously."

Or

"Her hair fell miserably down across her face, a departure from the tight bun in which she usually wore her it so as to not disturb her in her particular mode of work."

There's a fine line between creating descriptive setting and drowning your reader in information. I'm not saying dial down the description - your imagery is amazing - but be careful about how you deliver it. Try not to string so many adjectives together that modify only one noun or verb.

< Message edited by Circe -- 9/12/2008 18:57:17 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 3
10/4/2008 4:35:00   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hey!

Glad to see your story's back and updated!

I read it again from the start. As I recall, before the purge I commented something about the different scenes feeling too loosely connected, thus making it a bit challenging to follow. Well, I didn't have that problem this time. Unfortunately, I can't tell whether that's because the world the story takes place in is now more familiar to me or because you've made some changes.

Anyways, to the new comments...

1)
I love how your characters have different kind of voices! The rogues sound like "common" folk and the royal Safiria and Werewolf King sound regal. So, you basically manage to characterize your characters even further as they speak; they come more alive. It was truly a treat reading the King and the Queen insult each other =P

2)
One thing that stuck to my eye was that you repeat the names a tad too often when a simple 'he' or 'she' would do. Like here:
quote:

They had met Aces just over two years before. The two of them quickly grew close to Aces, who now accompanied them on all their travels whether for business or otherwise. Aces was a lowly bureaucrat in the Krovesport government with a spirited and defiant attitude that had attracted Kale’s attention.

Why not change the middle 'Aces' to 'him'?

Here's another example:
quote:

“Ah, Kreen. I didn’t see you come in,” replied the Werewolf King, relieved for an excuse out of his brooding thoughts.

“You’re thinking `That night, the humans could have just as easily attacked the Den.` I know you too well, King. You can’t hide your anxiety from me. It bleeds forth from your eyes like a river; I can smell your fear.” said Kreen, sitting down next to the king. Kreen looked like a small doll beside to the gargantuan wolf.

As Kreen looked up into the eyes of the beast towering over him, the King said to him, “Kreen, you are my brother. You are the last of my family here on Lore. What am I to do should something happen to you?”

“Foolish little brother,” snapped Kreen.

My suggestion would be to keep 'Kreen' in the dialogue, but try to cut it down from the text a bit, for example:
''...I can smell your fear," said Kreen, sitting down next to the King and looking like a small doll beside the gargantuan wolf.'
Note that the period inside the quotes should be a comma. I also suspect that you don't need that 'to' beside 'beside'. =P

3)
A misplaced word:
quote:

Her hair fell miserably down across her face, a departure from the tight bun in which she usually wore her it so as to not disturb her in her particular mode of work.

There are a lot of 'her's in this sentence, even after that one instance removed. Do you need all of them?

4)
From chapter III.B
quote:

The facts were these. Darkovia Forest was home to two of the most frightening kingdoms on the continent, Safiria’s kingdom of Vampires, and the Brotherhood of the Wolves. Any sorcerer who made his residence in the cursed forest was either vampire, werewolf, or already dead.

I don't think you need that bolded part here, since it's been said quite clearly already in the previous chapters. Reading the chapters I-IV in one sitting as I did makes this seem too underlining, too repetitive.
But: I love the last sentence in this quote!

5)
As Circe said in the above comment, your imagery is amazing.
quote:

His eyes, pale blue like the frigid winter moon, flitted back and forth briskly surveying the five mighty werewolves before him, and the young, inexperienced soldier cowering before them.

Applauds.

DF  Post #: 4
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