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Crisis

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10/22/2008 20:45:24   
Nex del Vida
Member

Hey guys! No, I'm not back--not by a long shot. I just wanted to stop by to get criticism on a short story I wrote for school a few weeks ago. It's not really called Crisis, but that's the closest I could come to giving it a good name.

Tell me what you think. Institution hasn't been transferred to my new computer yet, so... yeah, but I promise I'll start writing again soon. Whether that's AE-soon or real-world soon I can't say.

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AQ  Post #: 1
10/22/2008 20:54:35   
time losh
Member

Well I don't really know the differences between the two types of soon. Don't worry about it to much.

You're startin' something new. Glad to hear it Nex, keep up the good work.
AQ  Post #: 2
10/22/2008 20:57:19   
Nex del Vida
Member

Starting? Not really... this is a one-installment thing. There shall be no more.
AQ  Post #: 3
10/22/2008 22:10:17   
time losh
Member

No No, I just meant you were doing other stuff. I'm assuming this will not be the only short story you do? (or will it? lol)
AQ  Post #: 4
10/23/2008 9:05:53   
Nex del Vida
Member

No, I do a number of short stories. You may remember "Nervana" a while ago, which I'm quite proud of. Also, I recently started one called "Birth," which I may or may not ever finish. I do like the genre a lot, though, because I can finish one or several in a reasonable period of time.
AQ  Post #: 5
10/26/2008 21:30:28   
jerenda
Member

Oh hello again! *huggles* *settles down to reading*

Mm, starts out auspicious enough. *has no idea if that's actually the word she means* President of the United States and all.

Bullet, fire, and explosion-proof cells... okay, interesting...

And creepy. What is this? C'mon, explain. It's really weird, random, and makes no sense. What's the point? *objects most strongly*

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EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 6
10/26/2008 22:41:54   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 I really enjoyed that story, Nex. Loved how you portrayed the morals and stuff. For short stories, I'm all about theme, so you can imagine how much I liked that. ;)

I also loved how you played the thing off from his POV. Uber show not tell FTW!

Only a few objections. One, I dunno if opening with a description of the President is the best idea, though it seemed to work well even if it's description. Two, it was in black and white to me, but I think that's just something I picture for all your writing. Three, it feels slightly illogical that they are questioning why he wants to do it personally when it has happened so many times before. I mean, yes, if it was the first time, but I think it's unlikely they'd question it after so many times.

Otherwise, I enjoyed this. Short and powerful. ^_^

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AQ  Post #: 7
10/27/2008 17:17:03   
Nex del Vida
Member

Jerjer: I wrote it for an English assignment. It was to write about authority, so I just used the prompt as an excuse to write a sci-fi story. Fire and explosion... meh, explosions have more to do with force than fire, though I did wonder about that at first.

Pyrosect: Interesting. Good points you have there. I shall edit when I don't have a crapload of Trig and other HW to do. (I'm probably just not going to do the Trig anyway... say I looked at the paper and couldn't do it. Which... might... actually happen... so...)
AQ  Post #: 8
11/16/2008 17:38:38   
Sentharn
Member

Hmm, this shows that randomly clicking threads in Narrative and Prose *does* pay off!

I read it and found it *very* interesting--I felt a sense of building tension up until the very end. "What is this place?" I asked myself. "What are these people doing here?".
Some of the descriptions, mostly those in the beginning and the ones describing the magnetic system, seemed a little wordy but nothing terrible.

You know...you've left enough tantalizing information to where you could write a sequel off this, no sweat.

Yeah. It's that good.
Don't want to say too much because of the people who haven't read it yet. If you're one of these people GO READ IT, like NAO.
Post #: 9
12/11/2008 23:33:02   
Alixander Fey
Member

I found it! I loved this short story, Nex. It's really great. It's got this surrealness to it that just makes me giggle inside... or is that too much niquil? Oh well...


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DF  Post #: 10
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