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12/26/2008 19:16:21   
HK 47
Member

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=15275762

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=15309815

I hope you guys enjoy it. I put a lot of effort into creating this original experience. I've actually started the second story, and will upload that soon. I'll put the link in this thread though.

< Message edited by HK 47 -- 1/1/2009 20:27:55 >

_____________________________
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 1
12/27/2008 8:22:47   
Crimzon5
Member

Heh... *sniff* finally got approved. Nah, I suck in drama...

Good job though!

Critiques:
1) For General Tommy's name... the title 'General' may be omitted (unless used in the dialogue of one of his men)
2) For the dialogues, putting character actions could give it more life. Example:

quote:

“Yep. Sorta a hobby of mine. I make my own weapons because it’s cheaper than letting weapon smiths do it, and their work is often of inferior quality.” General Tommy then turned his head. “Why do you ask?”


Good. It helps the reader visualize the story. But it'll also help if you put what kind of voice and tone they used. And don't forget when to use the exclamation point (!)

And avoid too much dialogue. People'll could get confused a bit lost... especially if a lot of words dont have indications telling us who's talking.

But over all, Tommy's personality seems to keep my interest in the story. So yeah, I'm the kind of guy who likes characters and plots over the writing style.

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 2
12/27/2008 12:18:51   
HK 47
Member

Thanks man. I've actually finished this entire story and have been working on the second one. I'm adding in some more details to this one here, but I'm not adding extra chapters or anything.

I'll remember your advice for when I try to publish this story.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
1/1/2009 20:20:22   
HK 47
Member

Book 1: Down

Book 2: Coming as soon as the anti-spam filter lets me post it. And I clean it up a bit.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
1/6/2009 16:48:28   
HK 47
Member

I'm guessing that nobody cares about this work. Not surprised, given my realm of luck.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 5
7/1/2009 16:46:45   
HK 47
Member

Here comes a C-C-C-C-C-Combo Breaker in terms of the sheer number of posts that I will make.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 6
7/21/2009 14:06:35   
r0de0b0y
Member

Has the cavalry arrived? No? Then I guess I'll have to do. I've only read a little, not even near half.

quote:

One was a very large being, with fur covered all over it and two horns on its head. It held and axe and brutally murdered any of my knights who dared oppose it.


A "d". A "d". A "d" I see.

quote:

Two bandits ran forward to flank him, and swing their axes in a horizontal pattern.


Swung.

quote:

It was not uncommon for two bandits to swing from different sides, have General Tommy duck, and them accidentally hitting the other in the wrist.


Sounds weird, but maybe that's just me. Perhaps try "then accidentally hit the other in the wrist"?

quote:

However, he shrugged it off, haven gotten used to the destruction that often followed his master.


Having.

Will read more later, given time. I've gotta admire your productivity. Keep on going. Row row, fight da powah. Thinking about what Crimz said, detail and dialogue are both good. If you wanna add more description, go ahead. If not, then don't. You could be blunt, not Hemmingway levels of blunt-ocity, but still. Your story is short, sweet, and too the point. Props for having a "badass" protagonist, even if it's a archtypical one. 'splodin daggers was just extra icing.
AQ DF  Post #: 7
8/15/2009 12:01:23   
HK 47
Member

Thanks. And double thanks for posting on this thread. God, it took me so long to actually get a guy to read this thing.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 8
12/4/2009 17:56:57   
HK 47
Member

I'm actually updating this thread? After I've had this chapter uploaded on my deviantART account for so long?

Inconceivable!

< Message edited by HK 47 -- 12/4/2009 17:57:13 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 9
12/4/2009 22:30:52   
deathwalker05
Member

Read all book 2, good story. Cant bring myself to read past first paragraph of book 1 though after reading book 2.
AQ  Post #: 10
12/5/2009 16:32:44   
HK 47
Member

I'm assuming because A) it's horrible, or B) some other reason.

Would you kindly explain why you can't bring yourself to read it?

< Message edited by HK 47 -- 12/5/2009 16:34:47 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 11
12/5/2009 16:35:11   
deathwalker05
Member

You essentially retold most of book 1 in book 2, so, far as i could tell, seemed like rereading
AQ  Post #: 12
12/18/2009 16:01:31   
HK 47
Member

Ah. Well, I'm planning on expanding on book 1 because it's so short. Let's hope I don't screw up continuity because of it.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 13
12/18/2009 19:39:52   
deathwalker05
Member

heh, i kinda saw book 1 like the hobbit to the LOTR, tells more, but optional.
AQ  Post #: 14
2/26/2010 14:39:47   
HK 47
Member

Finally a new chapter. It's the longest one I've ever written thus far (9 pages double-spaced) and adds in two new things:

A new villain
A minor explanation for the magic system in The Masked Knight

This villain is showcased on my (still running) IRC sessions, on #MaskedKnight (server irc.caelestia.net).
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 15
8/15/2010 18:35:09   
HK 47
Member

Hello, I'm not dead yet.

I haven't been updating this thing for a while due to a combination of laziness, college, and games distracting me. However, I can give you good information that there will be an update soon!

It's being done by a good friend of mine, and will be its own story, under the Orc Knight title. It's technically not mine, but he doesn't have a forum account here, and it is my work. We've been keeping in touch for how the story will work, so expect it to be fairly accurate. It may also help explain some backstory for the series as well.

In the meantime, know that I swear I'll update the story eventually. Maybe in about a month or so Valve Time.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 16
3/8/2011 15:22:51   
HK 47
Member

What is THIS? An update? From ME?! Bout damn time, I think. Seriously, been over 2 damn years since I last updated this thing. I hope that you guys will enjoy this update. I know that I am.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 17
3/9/2011 18:42:48   
HK 47
Member

TWO updates in two days?! This is madness! And I've got a third one in the works already!
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 18
3/11/2011 15:47:22   
HK 47
Member

By God, I've never been this productive before. Three chapters today alone. Wow. I'm still feeling creative as well.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 19
5/13/2011 12:06:25   
HK 47
Member

I'm pretty sure nobody gives a crap at this point, but hey, new chapter up. I might have a second one up later today, but I can't give a guarantee.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 20
5/28/2011 21:12:10   
HK 47
Member

Another chapter completed. I think I toned the emo in this one up a bit too high.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 21
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