RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse


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7/22/2009 16:43:59

Smalls
Member

Love the new poem Helix ^.^
Very honest and it's just classic Helix stuff (which is a good thing btw :P)
Love it
~Bigm

DF	Post #: 76

7/28/2009 15:40:36

Gianna Glow
Member

Hey Helix... sorry it took so long! The last two, right?

Scars of the Past
Ok, no offense on this one, Helix, but it seems to ramble and not make much sense. The first stanza is good. its strong and powerful, but then you tacked on the snakes and chocolate knives. I'm not sure what is going on... I get lost. It just seems to go off on a tangent and becomes rambling.

Decisions

quote:

There I lay, on a metal ledge
Between Life and Death.
A pump next to me.

Its great up to here.... however...

quote:

A pump next to me.
A stomach pump.

Saying its a stomach pump seems to kill the flow of your poem. its redundancy where there was none before.

quote:

I threw myself in a lake for you
And your decisions.
And it sicken me to my core
That if I had a choice to repeat the last two years
I'd decide to do it all again.

This seems to jump out from no where... i see a girl throwing herself into a lake about some person's decisions and she hates herself for doing it... but she'd do it again...
I think you need some more back story in there... such as the rescueing part... I know the girl is rescued becasue she's on a ledge with a stomach pump.

quote:

Are you happy?

On the outside, I look fine
On the inside, I'm dying.
Are you happy?

the girl just drowned and they're trying to bring her ack to life... but she looks fine? I'm a lifeguard and I know people who drown look anything but fine... and who is supposed to be happy?

ok, thats all. Now, i loved decisions, it just seems a little rough.

Heart of Glass
Now, I do like that, but it was hard to read because of the colors you kept picking... in both versions.

ok, ttfn, Tata for now! I'll be around!

AQW

Post #: 77

7/30/2009 11:26:09

Helixi
Member

hmm...Scars of the Past is rough, I know. ~~I'm still trying to improve it....~~ Any better?

Decisions....you know I actually feel like that, right? other than that, iI'll try and improve it. DiSCLAIMER: The feelings put forward in the poem do not reflect my emotional state at all now.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 10:02:43 >

Post #: 78

8/1/2009 10:59:16

Crimzon5
Member

Oooo! New stuff. Let's see...

Comments on Funeral

I loved the description, how a body is when dead...
Man... this emoness is making me sad. Anyways,

quote:

Those were my lips, that was my choker.

Heh, nice "plot twist" (though this is a poem, I cant find any terms that fits better). Care to satisfy me with what really is happenening?

Aside from that, the flow is really good, perhaps much better than your early works

_____________________________

Can you see the Visions?

Post #: 79

8/10/2009 10:23:40

Helixi
Member

I have a few new poems up. I tried a different poetry form for one, with questionable results. :| Anyway, CC away!

Crimz, Funeral is meant to be a vague poem. I wrote it from the perspective of someone viewing a funeral, which is actually hers, but she thinks it's her sister's funeral. She realises at your quoted "plot twist" part. :)

Can anyone help with haikus?

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 10:03:22 >

Post #: 80

8/10/2009 10:57:48

Angel of Grief
Member

I really like your newer poems Helix, buuut. one thing:

quote:

...
You married the "love of you life"
Ad got yourself stuck in a dead-end job
...
...
...

Should it be And got yourself stuck in a dead-end job?
:P

edit:

quote:

The One Constant
Nothing is our one constan

should constan be constant?

edit2:
wow...never seen this many errors in your poems Helix....

quote:

A soldier is rewarded
When they ae one and the same

"When they ARE one and the same"?

< Message edited by Angel of Grief -- 8/10/2009 11:00:34 >

Post #: 81

8/10/2009 11:07:20

Helixi
Member

All typos fixed. My excuse is that I have a crappy keyboard.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 10:04:03 >

Post #: 82

8/10/2009 15:59:03

alexmacf
Member

C+Cing Seasons, as you asked.

I liked it. However:

quote:

A mother's mourning for her children

The correction is bolded.
And in most translations I've seen, Gaea is called Gaia. It simply looks better that way.

Post #: 83

8/11/2009 16:18:52

Poetic Melody
Member

I said I'd drop a comment, so here I am. These are my favorites I'm complimenting, though all are good. My favorite is by far Flirt/My Suicide. It's just a clever, unique poem. Funeral is a very realistic poem in my opinion. I've really felt as if I've died plenty of times before. Outside looking in has great imagery.

And I noticed some new poems I didn't before! Found a typo in Dark Angel.

quote:

I want to laugh with you, to cy with you, to be with you

Cry?

Besides that it's great.

You're an amazing poet, and I'm lucky to have you come to my thread and comment. That's all for now.

DF	Post #: 84

8/15/2009 17:01:13

Angel of Grief
Member

Time for another meaningless comment! >:3
anyway, i really liked the newest poem (Dark Angel). I did find one thing though ^^

quote:

I want to laugh with you, to cy with you, to be with you

Should be changed to to cry with you

;3

edit: hmm...my computer lagged somehow, and left it out.....
I see you changed it XD
must have been a cache issue :/

< Message edited by Angel of Grief -- 8/15/2009 17:04:55 >

Post #: 85

8/15/2009 17:10:36

Helixi
Member

Thank you Poetic Melody and AoG.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 10:04:53 >

Post #: 86

9/1/2009 11:28:40

Helixi
Member

New poem, Cult of Fools, inspired by the song Aramanth by Nightwish. Should have two more on the thread very soon :)

Post #: 87

9/2/2009 9:29:42

Helixi
Member

Two new poems, Bedtime Story (odd and not good, in my opinion) and Loup-Garou, which is also random but better, even if I do say so myself.

~Enjoy

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 10:05:52 >

Post #: 88

9/5/2009 6:38:24

Helixi
Member

Ok, so, remember my story? Well, I applied for Approval yesterday after Falerin told me to. So hopefully, I will be AA as well as AP soon!

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 10:06:16 >

Post #: 89

9/5/2009 10:06:15

Smalls
Member

Like the new poem Helix :D
Can't really find anything to complain about, I really like the description in them though :D even though Loup-Garou may be very...Morbid (what /does/ Loup-Garou mean? Werewolf?)
~Bigm

DF	Post #: 90

9/5/2009 11:55:15

Helixi
Member

^Loup-Garou is Wolfman in French. So yeah, werewolf.

Post #: 91

9/18/2009 18:36:52

BrantePyrus
Member

After a long time gone, I'm back!
Loved your new(er) stuff. Alright, more later!
I had a much longer post, but I realized it really more belonged in a pm. So you should get it shortly.

Post #: 92

9/19/2009 21:25:36

Anon Y. Mous
Creative!

I'm sensing a theme... :D
Anyway:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Death's Queen, Death's Slave

Death's caress, his kiss
Has stolen my heart

Instead of has, mebbe have? Not too clear here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Flirt/My Suicide

I had felt Deaths chill hand before

Death's chill hand

quote:

ORIGINAL: My First Heartbreak

My friends all said "Whatever, you'll find someone better and I heard she did some really nasty stuff, down at the park with Michael..."

Long line. Mebbe break it after whatever, better, and stuff?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Winter Trees

In summer, the trees hide
Under leafy dresses
And blush as Winter
Strips them of leafy dresses once again.

On the last line, perhaps "Strips them off once again." It's just seems like saying "leafy dresses" again is once too many.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dying

Its just the transition thats troublesome

It's just the transition that's troublesome

quote:

ORIGINAL: Friendship

Someone once said that friends were people who walked in on your life when everybody else walks out.

It's feels to me that this line is a bit too long. Not sure where I'd break it, though.

This post to be edited and continued later...

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 9/20/2009 12:45:26 >

DF	Post #: 93

9/20/2009 13:57:08

Helixi
Member

quote:

Instead of has, mebbe have? Not too clear here.

Done

2.

quote:

Death's chill hand

Done

3.

quote:

Long line. Mebbe break it after whatever, better, and stuff?

Done

4.

quote:

On the last line, perhaps "Strips them off once again." It's just seems like saying "leafy dresses" again is once too many.

Done

5.

quote:

It's just the transition that's troublesome

Done

6.

quote:

It's feels to me that this line is a bit too long. Not sure where I'd break it, though.

Done

Post #: 94

9/20/2009 16:17:06

Anon Y. Mous
Creative!

Easier just to continue in a new post. This one's just mostly a miniscule error corrector.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Heartache

I got myself some sense

This poem is one of the more structured ones, so prolly a period at the end.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Door to the Mind

I wish I could walk through the door to my mind
View my entire mind

Using mind twice seems a bit repetitive. Perhaps "View it's entirety"? Although I'm not sure it that's much better.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mask

Cheky, playful, a tiny bit annoying

Cheeky

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tales of More Broken Homes

This crap need not happen.

Made me chuckle a little cause "need not" seems a bit out of place.

quote:

ORIGNAL: Losing You

In between desisions

decisions

quote:

ORIGNAL: Losing You

Though i would die for you.

Capital I

quote:

ORIGNAL: Losing You
Thats why I left

That's

quote:

ORIGINAL: Losing You

But finally I can see, i can see everything

Capital I again

quote:

ORIGINAL: Scars of the Past

Displated on my wrists for all to see.

Displayed. Missed the y by that *puts to fingers together* much.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Decisions

And it sicken me to my core

sickens

quote:

ORIGINAL: Monotonous Life

You married the "love of you life"

"love of your life"

quote:

ORIGINAL: Seasons

Eager to each the Sea, their mother; they shed gifts along the way.

"Eager to reach the Sea". Nice imagery. This poem is a nice break in all the bloodshed. :P

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dark Angel

Wam smile, loving mind, searching eyes

Warm smile

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cult of Fools

And through it all, the Cult of Fools stare
As they stare through a sheet of unbroken water.

These lines feel a little akward. Maybe get rid of the "As" at the beginning of the second line or just get rid of "As they stare" altogether.

Overall, nice stuff. Very strong imagery throughout. I can't say that this is my preferred subject matter (I'm somewhat of a wuss myself) but you treat it well with, again, strong imagery. It would be nice for you to maybe write something structured with a different subject matter, but everyone knows that inspiration is hard to come by, so don't feel pressured to try to write something you don't have any ideas on.

One little thing is that sometimes a line in one of your poems seems a bit long for the poem it's in. If there's a line jutting out of the rest of the poem, that takes a little away from its visual appeal. Of course, if the jut is serving a purpose, or if the flow would be harmed by the breaking down of the line, then leave it. But a lot of your poems have lines that could be broken just a bit.

Again, though, well done!

< Message edited by Anon Y. Mous -- 9/20/2009 16:28:10 >

DF	Post #: 95

9/20/2009 16:36:56

Helixi
Member

All done.

Keep reading, please? xD

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 10:07:29 >

Post #: 96

9/20/2009 16:39:47

Anon Y. Mous
Creative!

I'll try to keep up and not be lazy.
:D

DF	Post #: 97

9/20/2009 16:48:57

Helixi
Member

Just out of curiousity, where did you find my poetry? I'm a relatively new AA.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 10:07:57 >

Post #: 98

9/20/2009 20:39:13

Anon Y. Mous
Creative!

I set the forum to show me the threads with the latest posts, and your thread was up there.

DF	Post #: 99

9/27/2009 14:40:26

Helixi
Member

Okay. This collection is temporarily on hold while I work on The Strangers and A New Life Under The Moon. Feel free to CC them as well as this!

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 10:08:16 >

Post #: 100

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