RE: The Anti-Hermitage ~ Comments and Criticism


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7/9/2009 13:01:23

not steve
Member

Thanks dori, I am happy to hear. Btw, why am I getting all comments and no criticisms? Someone has to not like my stuff other than me XD

Post #: 26

7/9/2009 13:40:07

Sir Dorigo III
Member

well i havent read all your stuff.. but idk, i guess if you wantede more critisicm ill try to give some soon eonugh

DF	Post #: 27

7/9/2009 14:45:27

not steve
Member

That would be very appriciated, if it isn't an inconvenience to you.

Post #: 28

7/13/2009 19:54:15

not steve
Member

New Poem: Part 2, Chapter 1 (patched with virtue)

Code: [('/-\')]

Post #: 29

7/14/2009 8:27:46

Sir Dorigo III
Member

You asked for more criticism. Get ready, Cause I'm serious.

Part 2, Questions

Chapter 1

I stand out here in the cold,
This was a twisted prophecy.
From thief to regal I had turned; (These two lines do not flow well. Its up to you how you change it, but I would do something about
To all this men I was to be: them)
A fearless leader, strong and tall,
A general to one and all.

I try to think of what to say,
In front of my battalions.
Trying hard to justify
The slaughtering of millions.
“Sir, I mean not to be bold,
But the troops are getting cold.”

“And who are you?” I said, surprised,
He paused until my shock had panned.
“I am Shyne, and know I’m young, (Should this be: "And I know?)
But am your second in command”
“Tell me Shyne” I said, through bore,
“Why should I want to wind this war?”

“I don’t know about you sir
But I have a great life;
I love our ways, I love our home, (Once again, I feel flow is disrupted in these 2 lines.)
They're free of pain and strife. (Simple spelling/Grammar. Fixed)
Our foes wish to own all our fates
They want us to assimilate.

They wont accept our differences,
They will make us all the same.
They’ve forced us to swordpoint because,
We’ve lots to lose and none to gain.
Our culture’s what we’re fighting for,
We fight for freedom, not for war.”

That took guts to say to me
And pride to back it too,
He must have a good reason
To back what he’s meant to do.
Though my logic did forbid
My gut told me I liked this kid.

“I was a thief, than was a man,
Now I am a king’s knight.
And though I have the knowledge, (One more flowing problem.)
I lack a reason to fight.
You Shyne, have given me one too,
I’ll fight and win for all like you.”

Overall, a great piece. Just work on the parts I marked, and ensure flow... for lack of a better word, flows.

< Message edited by Sir Dorigo III -- 7/14/2009 8:28:53 >

DF	Post #: 30

7/14/2009 11:46:19

not steve
Member

Here are my flow edits for the highligted parts:

on the first one, I dont realy see a problem there, maybe it's just that I was the one that wrote it but I really dont dettect a problem with the flow in that spot. :P

second one: If I added "I" it would dissrupt the flow, and it still gramaticaly works (sort of XD)

Third one:

I love our ways, I love our home,
They are free of pain and strife.

Does that work better? I hope :P

Last one:

Now I am a king’s knight.
And though I have the knowledge, (One more flowing problem.)
I lack reason to fight.

again, hope this works. Also, this helped me catch a small typo. the last line in the third verse should say: "Why should I want to win this war?"

Post #: 31

7/14/2009 11:54:26

Sir Dorigo III
Member

I didn't catch that. But ya i looked over what you said, your flowing did improve it, and although i still disagree with the first part, much better after all.

DF	Post #: 32

7/14/2009 15:20:56

not steve
Member

:D thanks for your help Dori.

Post #: 33

7/14/2009 20:59:07

Sir Dorigo III
Member

Ha no prob, but you really didnt need it. :D

DF	Post #: 34

7/14/2009 21:19:41

not steve
Member

Heh, thats what I like to hear. I have a problem with ego XD

Post #: 35

7/17/2009 16:58:20

not steve
Member

"Walk" added

[VivaZeRevolution!]

Post #: 36

7/17/2009 17:02:49

Sir Dorigo III
Member

great as well. its kinda funny, as soon as i got to the second verse, i knew exactly wut it was based oof of. but tis good

DF	Post #: 37

7/17/2009 17:56:29

not steve
Member

Yeah, Dizzy has made some fantastic poems. :D

Post #: 38

7/22/2009 13:01:46

not steve
Member

"Every Bit" love poem added.

Code: [KupoKupo!]

Post #: 39

7/22/2009 13:32:54

Sir Dorigo III
Member

Great as always.. Here goes

When you smile it warms my heart,
It penetrates me like a dart. (Bit of weird imagery IMO)
When you smile and I look on you, (How about "at you" How do you look "on" someone? You could keep your gaze on someone,
I cannot help from smiling too. not look "on" them)

Your laugh’s like an angelic choir,
And in my heart it lights a fire.
A need to hear it just once more,
Is what makes my words never bore. (this line disrupts the flow IMHO)

You voice is sweeter than honey,
No matter what you’re telling me. (again, disruptive)
I get to hear it every day,
It tells me more than what you say.

Your eyes run deeper than the sea,
Your soul brings you so close to me.
When I look to them I know,
I am now where I’m meant to go.

Your wonderful in every way.
I yearn to see you every day.
When I’m around you I feel new,
I love every bit of you.

These last two stanzas were my favorite part, although it is still a great poem overall.

Write on!

DF	Post #: 40

7/22/2009 13:37:04

not steve
Member

:D thanks dori, I like the last verse best, it leves a good feeling as people finish. Will fix those mistakes. And btw, not much rhymes with heart. XD, I will probably change those lines entirely.

< Message edited by not steve -- 7/22/2009 13:39:07 >

Post #: 41

7/22/2009 13:40:37

Sir Dorigo III
Member

No, the first line is perfect. its the second one that bugs me.

but ya, heart is a hard rhymer.

overall great job. :D

DF	Post #: 42

7/22/2009 14:38:16

not steve
Member

When you smile it makes me glad,
Never again shall I be sad.
When you smile and I look at you,
I cannot help from smiling too.

Your laugh’s like an angelic choir,
And in my heart it lights a fire.
The need to hear it one more time,
Puts my words into their prime.

You voice is sweeter than honey,
No matter what you’re telling me.
I get to hear it every day,
It tells me more than what you say.

Your eyes run deeper than the sea,
Your soul brings you so close to me.
When I look to them I know,
I am now where I’m meant to go.

Your wonderful in every way.
I yearn to see you every day.
When I’m around you I feel new,
I love every bit of you.

Fixed most of the stuff

Post #: 43

7/22/2009 14:52:24

Sir Dorigo III
Member

last one

When you smile it makes me glad,
Never again shall I be sad.
When you smile and I look at you,
I cannot help from smiling too.

Your laugh’s like an angelic choir,
And in my heart it lights a fire.
The need to hear it one more time,
Puts my words into their prime.

You voice is sweeter than honey,
No matter what you’re telling me.
I get to hear it every day,
It tells me more than what you say.

Your eyes run deeper than the sea,
Your soul brings you so close to me.
When I look to them I know,
I am now where I’m meant to go.

You're wonderful in every way.
I yearn to see you every day.
When I’m around you I feel new,
I love every bit of you.

DF	Post #: 44

7/22/2009 15:37:57

not steve
Member

Ah, my bad, thanks, will correct ;)

Post #: 45

7/22/2009 21:55:48

Sir Dorigo III
Member

Im going to begin to C&C yuor "mixed poetry"

Here goes:

First off...

What am I?

For the first time in a long time
I am feeling self-concerned,
My legs are feeling numb
And my stomach’s feeling churned.
For all the years I think I’ve known
I now know I have lied,
Not that I am asking me (I dont understand what yore trying to say here. Explain?)
Just what am I?

I’m a lover and a fighter,
Yes the kind that can do both.
A braveheart and a coward
And a freeman bound by oath.
I feel lost and I feel scared
With no identity, With the lack of identity,
It’s difficult to see the things It makes it so much harder just to spot,
That make up me. the simple things that equal me. (Most definitely not the best way to proofread, but i feel flow is wrong here. mine is a possible solution. )

One is defined by their own actions
But mine often contradict.
One moment I’m the trickster,
And the next I am the tricked.
People see me differently,
None know me as the same.
I suppose the only thing I am
Is my (maybe add a "simple" here?) name.

My name is something that I own
Yet it is what I am,
In the way a shepherd sees himself
Within a baby lamb.
When people ask your name
They are asking who you are;
They think one word can tell them
But from the truth their far.

I am different things in different ways,
In different circumstance.
I’m many people all in one,
I act in new by chance.
I am satisfied right here
Whatever I will be;
For I will be what I am,
And what I am is me.

i loved this one! one of your best. mainly speeling erors here tho
Sunset

It is the end of my long day;
End of my fun, end of my play.
Mom reads, dad talks and all the while,
I watch the sunset here, and smile

I’m going off to high school soon,
To learn great things as future looms.
A future where I might do poor,
I watch the sunset here, unsure.

Time to start at my career.
I’ll build my drams I’ll have no fear!
I’ll make a life, I’ll do it right.
I watch the sunset here, in light.

Today I am forty years old,
My heat for work starts growing cold.
But if I quit, cant meet my dues…
I watch the sunset here, confused.

Today’s the day that I retire,
Reclaim my vigor, rekindle my fire!
Time to rest, no longer mope;
I watch the sunset here, with hope

Today’s the day I finally died,
I sat and watched as my family cried.
Now it’s time for life anew,
I watch the sunset here, with you.

< Message edited by Sir Dorigo III -- 7/22/2009 21:58:41 >

DF	Post #: 46

7/23/2009 8:50:00

not steve
Member

I'm fixing sunset but I like "What Am I?" the way it it. Most of the spots you highlighted I am just forcing the reader to slow down for emphasis.

EX:

Now that I'm asking myself
Just what --- am ---I?

that's the way my mind interpreted it anyway. :P. And that line you didn't understand is difficult to get, I will change it to "Now that I'm asking myself"

Post #: 47

7/25/2009 12:44:11

not steve
Member

New poem: Tread light

Code: [2&1/2MenRULEZ!]

Post #: 48

7/30/2009 9:30:00

not steve
Member

Part two, chapter two up

Code: [(+_+]

Ps, I'm going on vacation for two weeks tomorrow so this is the last your getting for a bit xD.

Post #: 49

8/10/2009 19:21:22

not steve
Member

Re-wrote the forward...what? Thats an update right?

EDIT: I am on a very useless computor with no spellchecking capabilities whatsoever, someone remind me to spellckeck when I get back to mine XD, don't worry, I'll remeber.

< Message edited by not steve -- 8/10/2009 19:26:38 >

Post #: 50

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