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RE: The Anti-Hermitage ~ Comments and Criticism

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8/13/2009 19:48:13   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

Just sayin.... Your ricobabie project... it has actually gone somewhere. we have a semifunctional engine... but i do like the new forwards. ill write more on the other two soon enough
DF  Post #: 51
8/14/2009 13:52:09   
not steve
Member

XD, sorry Dori, I meant it didn't go anywhere while I was running it.
AQ DF  Post #: 52
8/14/2009 15:11:41   
Cow Face
One Heck of a Guy


 *Sneaks in and comments on a random poem.* I really liked the sort of frenzied feel in Tread Light. Your minimalist lines gave me the impression of rapid thoughts, a hurried time limit crashing down around the narrator's ears. Just the sort of chaos I like reading. ^_^ The only real suggestion I have is concerning the lines "Resourc- / Es few,". I think that if you reduced it to just one line, the flow would not be harmed, and it would sound better. "Resources few" as opposed to "Resourc... es few." Again, nice poem; does it have to do with TreadLight here?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 53
8/14/2009 16:27:35   
not steve
Member

If you'd read the notes...XD, it wasn't really well explained in the notes either. I have known TD from the gallery for a long time. I used to know him better than I did now but I was board one day and got to thinking about cool names for a new poem and he came up. So I wrote it surrounding his name, that is the extent of it. He isn't being crushed beneath his own pressure to my knowledge. He is kind of a laid back guy if I remember him correctly.

W00T! Back in my own province!
AQ DF  Post #: 54
8/17/2009 9:39:33   
not steve
Member

New Poem: Papa Papa

[SaberToothedLime!]
AQ DF  Post #: 55
8/17/2009 11:19:46   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

i love the poem. I find it kind of coincidental because right now im working on one about the elements as well..

the only real problem i see is that a little kid... wouldnt have that vast a vocab IMO
DF  Post #: 56
8/17/2009 12:42:59   
Poetic Melody
Member

Hey! I thought I should come read your stuff, I read I Am, You Are, it's quite good, I was smiling the whole time, but I found a couple catches.

quote:

You my dear are bold.

For better flow, try You, my dear, are bold.

quote:


We both lead live that leave us

Did you mean lives that lead us?

That's it, nice job!
DF  Post #: 57
8/17/2009 13:33:17   
not steve
Member

@Dori: XD, I guess that is kind of a hole. How could he be so articulate yet with so little understanding of the world around him? :P
@Jominomer: I might change the first one but I believe I did mean "Leave" for the second thing but thanks for catching the lives against live thing. If I recall my poem correctly it goes:

We both lead lives that leave us
feeling more than just content,
[I forget the phrasing in this line]
We're not that different
AQ DF  Post #: 58
8/17/2009 14:00:16   
Poetic Melody
Member

Actually, I meant leave too, I typoed. So thanks for catching my typo, while I was catching yours. ;)
DF  Post #: 59
8/17/2009 17:18:58   
not steve
Member

XD, Yeah, thanks for that thing that you said.
AQ DF  Post #: 60
8/21/2009 16:10:05   
not steve
Member

Rising stars added

[ImissDizzy:(]
AQ DF  Post #: 61
8/21/2009 22:53:09   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

Great poem. I love it. I think it all melds together perfectly, though there are some typos. Happy tyop hunting!


quote:


[ImissDizzy:(]
??? What do you mean? Where'd Dizzy go?
DF  Post #: 62
8/22/2009 13:18:48   
not steve
Member

He's just not as active as all :'( oh well. Nither an I, I guess XD.
AQ DF  Post #: 63
8/28/2009 12:32:12   
not steve
Member

New patched with virtue added.

[I_I]
AQ DF  Post #: 64
9/2/2009 13:18:36   
not steve
Member

The First Time (love poem) Added

[Mrs.Rowboat]
AQ DF  Post #: 65
9/8/2009 9:31:15   
not steve
Member

New poem "Figurehead" added. It's pretty good IMO so enjoy it.

[Jimmyit]
AQ DF  Post #: 66
9/9/2009 20:42:59   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

Oops... I forgot to check in... Sorry,,I would have commented, but Ive been busy with school.

I loved "First time" The last 2 verses were by far the best for me, and I can see where you're coming from. You help the reader experiecne it, so that is by far one of your best.

I cant sa much on "Figurehead" so ill skip it.

I felt the newest PAtched with virtue lacked a little shine. It was the same old rhyme scheme, and IMHO i was kind of confused by it. It was good. NOT your best
DF  Post #: 67
9/12/2009 11:41:23   
not steve
Member

Thanks for the complement on "First Time" :D I kind of liked it too. Helped you experience it? Well, take what you can get XD. As for the Patched with Virtue I fear that the rhyme scheme is growing rather dull. Still, I liked it a little. It made me smile while I re read it but perhaps that is because I am so close to the characters . :P anyway, thanks for the comment.
AQ DF  Post #: 68
9/12/2009 18:19:47   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

ha you know what i mean. :P

First time is really a great poem, one of your best, for the reason that it puts the reader into the role of the narrator
DF  Post #: 69
9/13/2009 16:32:41   
not steve
Member

Heh, so it's your favourite eh? I will make a note of that. ;)
AQ DF  Post #: 70
9/17/2009 15:12:20   
not steve
Member

New patched with virtue.

[(*.*)]
AQ DF  Post #: 71
9/26/2009 11:43:28   
Sir Dorigo III
Member

quote:

Yet wherever you may go,
I hope you always know;
No matter who or what you’ll be,
You’ll always have a friend in me.

You should add you into the above section.

But a great one again. One of your best, it truly is a great one. It feels relaxed, and do i catch some foreshadowing in there?

im sorry ive been so busy. I hope to be able to check in later.
DF  Post #: 72
9/27/2009 19:18:01   
not steve
Member

Thanks Dori :D
AQ DF  Post #: 73
9/30/2009 17:54:03   
not steve
Member

*Dusts off thread* new poem :D "Gone"

[usted]
AQ DF  Post #: 74
10/13/2009 20:57:25   
not steve
Member

New poem added: The window

[Huhhuh]
AQ DF  Post #: 75
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