Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

The Myths of Nedera

 
Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> The Myths of Nedera
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
7/2/2009 0:29:50   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


I am creating a mythology from scratch to use in a book. Here is the main link: The Mythologies of Nedera

Deities(under construction)

The Stories:
Creation
The Introduction of Darkness
The Healing of Nedera


< Message edited by Eukara -- 7/10/2009 14:49:09 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
7/2/2009 0:36:54   
Ciaran
Member

I don't have anything in the way of criticism. I can only offer an "I like it" rating. You're a much better critic than I.

Is this creation myth according to the people or according to the gods? :P

I hate to ask this, I really do... but I must! I have difficulty wrapping my brain around a "free lunch." Where did Caroyn come from?

*hides from Euky's wrath*

_____________________________

AQ DF  Post #: 2
7/2/2009 0:42:30   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Caroyn just was. She had always been. And then decided that there was more to be had. THink Christianity and God.

This Mythology is found in the ancient temple ruins of Nedera, of which Eukara is driven to learn. Also, the Dragons of the older first generation have passed them down from their beginning, provided they deign to allow the lesser creatures to hear it. There are not many of those left by the time this book takes place.

< Message edited by Eukara -- 7/2/2009 3:40:42 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 3
7/2/2009 16:56:46   
Gianna Glow
Member

Oooo! This is the one we talked about! It looks amazing! I'm excited for more.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
7/2/2009 17:34:57   
Helixi
Member

I need to read more of this, it's really good.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:56:16 >
AQ DF  Post #: 5
7/4/2009 14:50:39   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


New Myth is up. I am having way too much fun with this, but you have no idea how much this will help me later. Thanks for reading everyone.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 6
7/7/2009 15:39:32   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hmm. Intriguing.

I loved the part where Caroyn starts to create the universe for Brithing because of her daughter's thirst to learn.

The style is very fitting for a mythological story, imo, with all of those 'It was at that moment' and 'When it was time' sentence starters.

Although the repetition also fits the style, I started to suspect if there was too much of it to my own personal liking. Especially when the names get repeated in three consecutive sentences, of when a certain word gets that same repetition (examples below in the details).

Some comments on details + a few typos:

First Myth:

1) (from the paragraphs I loved:)
quote:

Thus, Caroyn became the Creation Goddess. Caroyn, in her effort to find something for her daughter to love and enjoy, set about to create the universe. The first thing Caroyn did was duplicate the very light that her daughter shone with and scattered it throughout the nothingness, creating the stars.

Might I suggest dropping out the second one of these? Imo, the sentence would still fit the style, even if it would began: 'In her effort to find....'

2) (from the opening paragraph:)
quote:


Before Nedera, before the stars, before the great Light Herself, Helutha, was a time of nothingness. Amidst this nothingness was Caroyn, the beginning, the Goddess of creation, the Great Mother and the Lady of Tears. No one knows how long she existed alone, amid the nothingness. But at one point she decided that there should be more than her solitary existence.

One the other hand, this /is/ very powerful tool, but again, my personal preference would say 'nothingness' is a sort of a word that could do with lesser repeating. Especially since in the last sentence where it's repeated, you have also the word 'alone.' It's totally up to you, of course. Some weight might be taken away:
' No one knows how long she existed alone. But at one point she decided that there should be more than her solitary existence.'

3)
quote:

Brithing grew and with that growth, was an insatiable need to learn.

You have employed the verb 'to be' a lot throughout the Myths. I have no general complaints about that, but here, another verb would seem more natural to me: 'came'

4)
quote:

Faster and faster they spun until the elements of heat, light, and energy became intertwined, clinging too each other desperately.

Just a typo: 'to'

Second Myth:

1)
quote:

One day, Darnya approached his uncle with concern. He asked about the obvious affection that Morres had for Nedera and encouraged him too talk to her.

Another one: 'to'

2)
quote:

He told her of his love for her, compared her to the stars that shown above.

'shone'?

3)
quote:

Delyn heard of this and felt something within him that was foreign.

This is another one of those points where I wonder if the verb could be substituted with another. On the other hand, this structure would fit in the storytelling of a myth, on the other hand those two words aren't really needed, imo.
This could be chopped to simpler version:
'Delyn heard of this and felt something foreign within him.'
or, if another verb is needed:
'Delyn heard of this and felt something foreign stirring within him.'
Just a thought.

4)
quote:

Her tears, where they mingled with the waters, turned it bitter,

I absolutely loved the imagery of tears turning the sweet waters bitter, btw.

5)
quote:

Fir the first time, a god felt sorrow and Ferhvel roared in pleasure.

Just a typo: 'For'

6)
quote:

Her heart now broke for her children and she went too them, tears in her own eyes and held them both.

Just another typo: 'to'

7)
quote:

His actions brought three new gods into her realm, gods she had known was possible, yet denied would ever come to be, for her children and husband had not shown the capacity to succumb to the other side of her creation.

This sentence perplexes and confuses me. I just don't understand it. Is there something wrong in the formulation, or am I just not paying enough attention to each word?

8)
quote:

When it was time fro her to give birth, great pain struck her, a pain she had never before experienced with Darnya and Grasith.

One more typo: 'for'


All comments I got for now. And ready to read more. =)
DF  Post #: 7
7/10/2009 18:10:13   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Alrighty Fabula, I went through all those. Made all corrections. And the typos, for the most part were due to my laptop. It has an awful tendency to double the o... annoying.

Thanks for reading. This is so much fun, building a religion for my book.

I forgot to say that I have another myth up. The Healing of Nedera

< Message edited by Eukara -- 7/11/2009 11:58:58 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
7/11/2009 19:59:24   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Well, I can relate a little to the fact that laptop keys can deceive... my little Acer Netbook has a weaker contact shifting between random keys, so one week I'm double-checking the letter v, the other I'm missing eyes from my smileys...

Anyways, I see you edited the sentence I couldn't understand (point 7 in second myth), and it's all clear now. Although, is there a preposition missing?
quote:

Her children and husband had not shown the capacity turn to the side of shadow, yet Delyn was weak enough to allow it to change him.

the capacity to turn?


Yay, a new myth, and I've read it already! I love the ominous ending...the shadow..who can it be? *waits to find out*

While reading, I started to wonder, how Caroyn and Brithing move between the realms? Are they far from each other or does the distance play no role to them?

Some observations on details:
1)
quote:

As she relayed her observations, Caroyn nodded knowingly, but didn't know what her daughter thought needed be done. It was then that Brithing knew and told her mother, and the Mother Goddess knew that she was right.

Well, I guess you guess that I'm going to say something about repetition... I wonder, could one of these be equal to 'to understand' or 'to realize',just to vary the verbs a little.

2)
quote:

Yet, to Tenmur's disappointment, the her metals weren't as obvious as Serrah's.

Methinks that can be removed.

3)
quote:

The gleam was only mere hints, not striated gleaming decorations.

Ah, the silver, gold and platinum mentioned in the Panthenon? I find it interesting that Tenmur was said not to have claimed anything sacred. The metals are precious indeed, but not sacred?

4)
quote:

Satisfied, she spun them together, making sure to keep the sweet water separate from the bitter water.

The water is also mentioned quite a few times around this sentence, so I thought that maybe this would be clear enough with just
'...,making sure to keep the sweet separate from the bitter.'
Your call, of course!

5)
quote:

As she spun his element as she had seen her mother do, she began to pull the light form the stars.

A typo? 'from'

6)
quote:

As Nedera watched her realm transform, she felt the shadow retreat ad her heart lightened.

Just a typo: 'and'

7)
quote:

Upon the hotter, drier places, where the soil was scorched into sand, she shaped the water bearing plants, tall strong and dangerous.

Umm, shouldn't there be a comma between those two words?

8)
quote:

Everywhere the goddess went, petals whorled and stretched, adding color to the plants.

I suspect that should be 'whirled.'

*me sits to wait for the descending shadow to be revealed*
DF  Post #: 9
7/11/2009 22:37:28   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


quote:

While reading, I started to wonder, how Caroyn and Brithing move between the realms? Are they far from each other or does the distance play no role to them?
As with any mythos, most gods and goddesses are free to move anywhere they want however they want. Realms hold no barriers unless it is set by the head god and maintained by that god. So they can move as freely as they want.

1.
quote:

Reverently, Brithing approached her mother, concern etched on her face. As she relayed her observations, Caroyn nodded knowingly, but didn't know what her daughter thought needed be done. It was then that an idea formed and Brithing told her mother. The Mother Goddess smiled, acknowledging that she was right.


2. Actually fixed that earlier today.

3. Realms and what they preside over is slightly different from their sacred object. Sacred objects are everyday things that represent them on the planet by worshippers, like doves, hammers, stags, etc.

4. Changed

5. Also corrected earlier today.

6. Also corrected earlier today.

7. Fixed

8. Whorled is what I am going for. It is a term used to describe the positioning of leaves or petals on a plant.

quote:

whorled (hwôrld, wôrld, hwûrld, wûrld)
adj.
Having or forming whorls or a whorl: whorled flower parts; a whorled textile pattern.



Thanks Fabula! I am hoping to get the next myth finished soon. It's Talanoth's gift.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 10
7/12/2009 12:45:54   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Oh, I've never heard of that word, whorled, before. 'A whorled textile pattern' sounds so beautiful it makes me want to draw out my sewing machine. =P
What a pleasant surprise, learning a new word... *updates her vocabulary*

Thanks for clearing up my questions about the realms and sacred objects!
DF  Post #: 11
9/17/2009 22:22:34   
Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer


~The Creation of Time as We Know It:

quote:

No one knows how long she existed alone, but at one point she decided that there should be more than her solitary existence.


~The Introduction of Darkness

quote:

He waited until Brithing's light began to glow soft and silver before approaching Nedera.


That's all I could find. I like it!
Post #: 12
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion >> The Myths of Nedera
Jump to:






Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition