Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Ask Zorbak: The Ezine Edition
So this month, they expect me to talk about vacations, probably because it's July and summer is finally here. Well, you know what? The only thing different about summer and the rest of the year is that it's hotter in the summer. And when you're dark blue and covered in fur, that just makes you wish that winter would come that much sooner.
I suspect they were expecting me to wax nostalgic about past vacations, like some little kid writing a sappy letter home to their parents from summer camp...
Dear Mom and Dad, Today I learned about friendship and caring about nature, and we made wallets! Tomorrow, they're going to teach us how to weave a lanyard! Love, Billy.
Pah! What a load of nonsense! First of all, some of us don't have time to waste on vacations. We have REAL jobs, like Ebil Necromancer, which require us to work 24/7/365 and don't allow for frivolous pursuits such as vacations. Second of all, I have a different definition of this "summer camp" nonsense. They may call it Arts and Crafts, but where I come from there's a term for a room full of 12 year olds being forced to sew wallets in an un-air-conditioned building: Illegal Underage Sweatshop! At least when I enslave people for my personal benefit, I'm honest about it... I don't try to pretend it's a fun, character building life experience.
Finally, and most importantly: What in the name of all that's Ebil is the fascination with lanyards, anyway? Did you ever meet anyone who actually USED a lanyard? For that matter, does anyone even know what a lanyard is used for? I suspect the only true reason for making a lanyard is to keep little Billy occupied for a couple hours while the Camp Counselor daydreams about what it would be like to have a REAL job that didn't involve playing nursemaid to a bunch of whiny little kids...
Anyway, my point remains: Vacation is a lie. The only people who take vacation are unimportant slackers... because, after all, if they were important (like ME) you wouldn't be able to afford having them go away for two weeks every summer. I mean, could you imagine this place if I were to take the rest of the month off? You'd all be bored out of your skulls! Those Undead you're always fighting don't raise themselves from the grave, you know! But do I hear a word of thanks for my personal sacrifice? NO! Ingrates...
Meh, enough nonsense. On with this month's questions.
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Wiiware asks: Dear Zorbak, the greatest Necromancer who has ever lived, why don't you just poison all the fish and ice cream in the world and get rid of that idiot twig?
Poisoning all the fish in the world would do irreparable damage to the global ecosystem. Fish are an important part of the aquatic food chain, and poisoning them would likely lead to a ripple effect throughout the biosphere which could have cataclysmic effects on the planet. And as much as I hate Twig, I still have to live here...
Dargracer3 asks: How do you get more accounts in aqworlds.com?
You drive down to Florida and sit outside the AE Offices making sad puppy-dog faces at every AE employee you can find. It's extra effective if you can also concoct some sob story about your current account, probably involving a sibling or a former friend selling all your stuff in-game.
Tommydung asks: I am a nercromancer also. A good one indeed. I am able to summon undead mutants and call upon the dead. What can you do? Punt twilly?
I am a master of Ebil Necromancy, able to wield power beyond your comprehension to weave the threads of life and death into a pattern that suits my needs. I can make grown men weep, and cause even the most righteous Paladin to fear for his immortal soul. And I can punt Twilly at LEAST 30 yards further then you...
Sammieboy9531 asks: If you kill someone who wanted to die, is it still evil or ebil, as the case may be?
In my case it's a moot point. Everyone foolish enough to oppose my power obviously has a death-wish to begin with...
Alec209 asks: Zorbak, why aren't you a skeleton moglin if you are a necromancer?
Because I raise OTHER people from the dead. Not myself.
Dara392 asks: Why is there puns(they are funny but are pointless)?
Because Artix likes puns, and he thinks he's funny. And he IS funny... but unfortunately for him looks aren't everything.
AQzer6812 asks: 1. What do you think is the formula of EBIL? 2. I know you're already EBIL but what would you do if you were to meet Sepulchere himself?
1) Ebil = MC squared. 2) I would ask him how to spell his name properly, because no one seems to be able to do it...
Johnnybravo255 asks: Dear mighty Zorbak I want to ask why you weren't in the mage meeting?
Why would I want to attend a mage's meeting? They can't teach me anything I don't already know, and I'm certainly not going to share anything I know with them.
Zondak asks: Why don't dragons just roast you and eat you?
Two reasons, really. First off, I'm told that I don't taste very good. Secondly, and more importantly, the last dragon to try roasting me is now 6 pairs of Dragonhide boots and a matching set of luggage.
Hurt m9 asks: Why do you hate twilly so much?
Why does everyone assume I hate Twilly? Twilly is great, and I love having him around! I mean, if it wasn't for Twilly, who would I punt?
Draconic55 asks: Almighty Zorbak, how did you turn evil and evil blue? Also why are you and Twilly enemies?
I have NEVER stooped so low as to turn evil. However, I WAS born ebil! And blue, for that matter...
Jingle Joe asks: Oh zorbak the great necromancer, since you hate twilly and twig so much why dont you turn them into undead moglins?
In order to turn then Undead, they'd have to be dead first. And even Death wants nothing to do with Twilly and Twig...
Mistora asks: Zorbak, how can I turn ebil if ebil is not on my moral compass?
You just have to follow your heart, or lack thereof. I'm sure the oversight in the moral compass will be fixed shortly.
Baaa79 asks: Do you ever make an undead pet for yourself when you were young and just learned how?
I used to have an undead puppy. I named him CuddleMuffi... err, I mean... umm... Killer! Yeah, that's it. Killer. Or something else appropriately menacing.
Jacob1000000 asks: what is your favorite game mechquest,dragonfable,adventurequestworlds, or adventurequest?
My favorite game is Moglin Punting at Ebilgames.com, because it features the most Twilly punting.
Dethzezema asks: Does kabroz think he is the best necromancer in the world?!?!?!?!?!
Yes, he does. But Kabroz has been known to believe many silly, untrue things...
Msprague asks: Where do you live you loser!!!
I live in my Hideout in Darkovia. Unlike you, who probably still lives with Mommy and Daddy. So who's calling who a loser?
Tassatoe11999 asks: How many wood would woodchuck chuck if woodchuck can chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Tony4545123 asks: What's your favourite colour?
Blue! No, yell... Auuuuuugh! (Actually, it IS blue... but who am I to resist the obvious Monty Python reference?)
David Isaac Little asks: Will i ever become a wizard?
Why would you want to? Necromancer is where it's at!
Ekien asks: Are you friends or foes with Sepulchure?
I consider him far too beneath my notice to be truly considered either.
Rolloutthree asks: Zorbak, if you are a necromancer, and you summon an undead, but it is killed by a paladin or warrior of some kind, where does the undead go?
I just raise them back up and send them right back into battle. We Necromancers are the ultimate recyclers, after all.
Choiro asks: Is twig a demon? And what do you think about War and his plan to destroy lore?
There are many, many words I'd use to describe Twig. "Demon" is not one of them. And as for others who may have plans to destroy Lore... they can't. I called dibs.
Msprague asks: can I be as ebil as you?
No.
Tg asks: What is the secret password
No, "what" is NOT the secret password. But feel free to keep guessing...
Weirdaxe asks: If you are such a great necromancer, what are you doing answering the questions of adventurers?
Sometimes I like to take a few minutes to validate the lives of my adoring fans. Being acknowledged by me will probably be the high point of most of your sad, pathetic lives.
Sammieboy9531 asks: Provide a decent answer to this and you will have my alleigance: The next statement is true. The previous statement is false. Solve that if you can, Zorbak!
I could tell you the answer, but everything I say is a lie. Even that.
Ikayraumaki asks: Hey, Zorbak! Do you currently have, or ever had, an account on Neopets.com?
What makes you think I have enoough free time to play someone else's frivolous game? I'm busy enough playing OUR frivolous games!
Lich97 asks: Dear Zorbak, Why don't you make a SMART undead? (As a General?)
That would somewhat defeat the purpose of having "mindless undead servants," wouldn't it?
Trtldov13 asks: Do you have a crush on lady vayle?
The only crush I have on Vayle involves her and a large pile of heavy rocks...
Striderkeuk asks: Zorbak if you had to chose between living forever and dieing which would you chose?
Neither. I have already chosen "Ascending to Godhood."
Kiwibate asks: What do ebils do whe they are bored?
Well, some of us write monthly E-Zine columns...
Gigman456 asks: Can you show us one of your spell?
Sure. Watch this. Chrysanthemum: C-H-R-Y-S-A-N-T-H-E-M-U-M. That's how I spell.
Bulma asks: Zorbak are you in love with Robina hood?
That tramp? I won't even dignify your question with a response...
And finally, Bfastfeet asks: What did you do that was so evil, They kicked you out of Necromancer school?
Nothing. Unless you consider being so far above your professors and classmates that they are wasting your valuable time to be evil...
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That concludes yet another edition of "Ask Zorbak," the only advice column in the world written completely by an Ebil Moglin Necromancer. Which also makes it the BEST advice column in the world written by an Ebil Moglin Necromancer. You should thank me... this is just one of the many services I provide, FOR YOU, while the rest of my so-called colleagues at Artix Entertainment are off planning their vacations. Keep that in mind next time you're deciding which side to fight on in an upcoming War...
If you have any questions you'd like to see here in the future, check out the "Ask Zorbak" section of www.ebilgames.com or email them to Zorbak@Battleon.com. If I'm in a particularly good mood, I may even choose to answer them.
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