Fleur Du Mal
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Hiyas!
This is the first part out of three in my repsonse to your equest in the Workshop thread. I shall post my critique for the third horro story in a separate post here and the third part of the critique in the respective comments thread for Manipulation later.
Requested critique part 1/3 - Haunted House
Why did I start thinking of the movie The Others after reading this? =P
I think there are many good and scary elements in this, such as the attic serving as another dimension to reality (that's at least he vibe I got, =P) and the girl appearing to the road all of the sudden to warn.
However, what bothers me here is that you leave too much in the dark, imo. I'm not sure if this story is an example of how sometimes the logic and connections between different elements are so clear in the mind of the author, that they are left out of the story, thus confusing the readers as they do not know all what the author knows. It is true that monsters lurk in the dark, and overexplaining them usually damages the scare-factor. But, I think you have left too much in the dark here, leaving the readers guessing with too little 'facts' to rely on. The story has too many confusing, uncleared points for me to know what should I be scared of.
Comments on details:
1)
quote:
“But I don’t want to move to this old and nasty house!” moaned Jill.
If I understood correctly, the family is on their way to the house, not yet arrived at it. That's why I'd suggest changing this to 'that' or 'such an'.
2)quote:
He stroked his coarse gray hair with his right hand, with his other on the wheel.
This is not totally necessary, but I thought that maybe it could set the scene even better if you'd add some notes about the car moving or the engine humming in the background even before we get to this. It would create a stronger feel of movement and put more impact to the sudden stop later when the girl appears. Just a suggestion though.
3)quote:
“That’s enough Jack and Jill!” shouted my mom. Her strong words indicated that she was done with this trivial badgering.
'indicated' sounds a tad of an understatement after 'shouted' and 'strong words'. How about changing this to 'told loud and clear' or something along those lines?
4)quote:
Rags of remnant clothing covered her frail body. Her hair was a very light blonde and she had a pale face.
A bit further in the text, you tell Jack felt scared and wanted the girl go away. What was it exactly that scared him so much? Was it only because she almost got trammelled under the car? Or was there something scary, some note of contradiction in her behaviour? I'd wish you'd elaborate on the girl and her actions, to make her appearance more like a prophecy and the night in the house feel more scary.
Did tears run down her face? Was she trembling? Were there any marks on her skin? What was her approximated age? Was her voice contradicting her age or state of being? Was her voice broken? Her pupils dilated of fear? Answering all or any of these questions could be used to give the scene a little more weight.
5)quote:
“Just please stop…,” she cried.
Mesuspects the ellipsis should be treated as exclamation and question marks in quotes, thus the comma is not needed.
6)quote:
“I-I-I’m warning you…, do not go in tha-that house,” the girl stammered.
Mesuspects the comma is unneeded here as well.
7)quote:
I felt scared, a feeling that I have not experienced in a long time, and I wanted the girl not to be there with us any longer.
This feels like a shift in tense. Also, I think this would flow better without the 'that'->
'I felt scared, a feeling I had not experienced in a long time, and I wanted the girl not to be there with us any longer.'
8)quote:
As the leaves cleared, the girl was no where to be found.
My dictionary claims that 'nowhere' should be written without the space. 'nowhere' vs 'no place'
9)quote:
My mother’s expression clearly showed one of confusion as she reentered the car. We continued our way to our new house.
By the way, what time of the day is it? Is the sun setting while they are driving or do they spend some time in the house while it's still light? What does the house look like outside. Moving straight from the drive to sleeping feels a bit odd since both the kids resented moving there quite openly. That made me wait for some elaboration on how they feel as they arrive to their hated-to-be-home.
Also, since the ambience of the house is crucial to the scary atmosphere, setting the scene for the nightly sounds, I'd suggest describing the insides of the house a little bit as well.
10)quote:
That night, sleep was not easy to overcome.
To me 'overcome' means winning over the sleep, thus he's trying to stay awake? Somehow rest of the scene made me feel as if he was trying to fall asleep but the thoughts kept him awake. Thus, this sentence seems to contradict that.
11)quote:
Something about that girl made me want to believe her, yet logic had deemed it implausible.
How did he come to that conclusion? Did Jack doubt the whole event to have happened, the girl to be completely crazy, some poor soul on the run away from home, or did he wonder how she would have even known the destination of his family? This seems a little too fast conclusion to me for him to make. After all, he had been scared by the appearance of the girl.
12)quote:
Out of the darkness, a deft screeching noise was heard.
Why the passive? Imo, this would feel more threatening in active form as Jack does hear it ->
'Out of the darkness, I heard a deft screeching noise.'
Or, you could make the noise feel like the active component in this equation:
'Out of the darkness carried a deft screeching noise.'
13)quote:
The noise became louder and louder.
...
As I got to my destination, the noise became louder.
The latter sentence feels a little like unnecessary repetition, imo, since you already told the noise was growing louder. I'd suggest either adding the word 'even' to the latter sentence, or rephrase it completely to show the extent of the power the noise had on Jack->
'As I got to my destination, the noise grew even louder.'
or
'As I reached my destination, the noise boomed in my ears loud enough to hurt.'
14)quote:
The noise ceased to exist as the door became ajar.
Just to cut down the repetition of the word 'noise', I'd suggest a rewording here:
'Silence fell the instant the door hung ajar.'
15) quote:
Then I went back to my disturbed bed and looked out the window to find that the lamp post outside was flickering.
“Jack! Jill! Come down for breakfast!” shouted my mom.
I'd suggest adding a transition from the night to morning, similarly as the drive to the house needs a transition to the night earlier in the story.
I guess the easiest way to do this would be to just tell how Jack fell asleep staring at the flickering lamp post. A suggestion:
'Then I went back to my disturbed bed and looked out the window to find that the lamp post outside was flickering. I fell asleep watching the light growing and diminishing according to its own erratic rhythm.'
Or something else that fits its purpose in creating a transition.
16)quote:
“With pleasure…,” I sarcastically answered.
As in point 5), that comma isn't really needed.
17)quote:
I quickly excused myself from the dinner table.
I thought it was breakfast. Or maybe: 'from the dinner table that had apparently been demoted to serving breakfast.'
18)quote:
When I got up there, I went to Jill’s room. There I steadily looked upon the room and checked inside the bed.
A suggestion for you to consider just to avoid some of the repetition:
'When I got upstairs, I turned left*) to Jill's room. There, I steadily looked around and even checked inside the bed. Nothing.'
*)or right, or walked straight, depending on the direction of her room.
19)quote:
All of the breath in her body exhaled out of her mouth as tears swelled up in her eyes.
OK, I know this is nitpickerish =P, but breath doesn't exhale. So, I'd suggest a little rewording:
'All of her breath left her as tears swelled up in her eyes.'
or
'Tears swelled up in her eyes as she exhaled, her breath escaping through her mouth until there was no more air in her lungs.'
20)quote:
I state the obvious, “She’s not there.”
Just a typo: 'stated'.
21)quote:
I sluggishly cavorted towards the rope. I tug hard onto the rope and a staircase fell upon me.
A matter of preference, but I'd rather use 'it' in the latter sentence instead of repeating the word 'rope ' so quickly.
22)quote:
I felt an inability to breath.
Another minor typo: 'breathe'.
Imo, this could also be written in a simpler way:
'I felt unable to breathe.'
or with more elaboration:
'The stale and dusty air felt suffocating.'
23)quote:
A single gold crown lay before me.
Hmm, could you elaborate a little on the gold crown to give in more meaning for the following scenes?Even if you bring it out in the poem soon afterwards, wouldn't Jack wonder what the crown is doing there before he decides to wear it? Why does he wear it?
24)Quoteless note. Where did Jill go? Did Jack totally forget his parents at this point? I found myself hoping some 'writing-off' of those characters so that they wouldn't just suddenly vanish, but rather, fade away from Jack's world.
< Message edited by fabula -- 10/29/2009 17:38:59 >
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