superjars
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I really like what you have so far here, Sheriff D.
Some comments:
quote:
Explosions blow, my Wall will not last.
Strangers here, occupying my home
Unwelcomed visitors,
they took everything from me. This stanza sounds strange. It seems a bit disjointed and disorganized for so early in the piece...
Perhaps:
quote:
The sounds of explosions beat at my walls.
The strangers are here; they try to get in.
I will not let them;
They took everything from me. Simply a suggestion. Take or leave or modify as you will.
quote:
As the Higher fought the Lower
We spectators began to cower Lower and cower do not actually rhyme. Perhaps changing the first line to 'The Weak position fought the Power' or 'Those Below fought against the Tower' If you're fine with a near rhyme, keep as is.
quote:
likely to take him before a peace was made. Again, personal preference, but it may be argued that taking him might actually be a blessing at this point. Perhaps using the phrase 'more from him' or 'all from him' instead of 'him' might help to express the utter futility of his situation.
You've got a great start here, Sheriff D, and I'm interested to see the devices you use to express his growing insanity and Ruth's caring nature. One thing I'd also like to point out is that it seems so far that you are taking a narrator type voice at the moment, rather than speaking as if you were Ruth talking about Jeremiah. If this is intended, that's fine, but you noted that you were going to use Ruth's viewpoint in the narrative. I'm curious how you'll make that transition.
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