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RE: Mordred's Vengeance Comments and Criticism

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2/28/2012 19:56:36   
Mordred
Member

He was sorta meant to be a Stu. You're stereotypical, flawless knight in shining armor. Until humanity(not that it was strictly humans, it's just that there isn't a word like this for all races) screwed everything.

quote:

Yet he killed a random and completely innocent mayor.

Well, you have to remember, he was completely overcome by grief, anger, and insanity. He was lashing out at everything around him, including innocents. I was actually planning to include that as a haunting vision in his subconscious. I also plan so show a bunch of scenes where Mordred's actually looking out for the people. He'll often leave innocents alone(unless they're in his way/obstructing his goals), and will actively start to seek out the wrong-doers of society. Those who have taken advantage of the common folk in some way. For example, he'd probably off the entire present U.S. Congress and Wall Street. >.>;

Salvar is the only ShadowScythe Lord left. The others were offed by Enduras or Tumultu. They're fairly insignificant, as their entire purpose was to provide obstacles for Enduras to surpass.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 351
2/28/2012 19:57:46   
Mordred
Member

Whoops. Funky proxy that I'm not used to made me post twice. >.>;

< Message edited by Mordred -- 2/28/2012 19:58:49 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 352
2/28/2012 20:02:09   
Glais
Member

quote:

Well, you have to remember, he was completely overcome by grief, anger, and insanity. He was lashing out at everything around him, including innocents.

Well yeah I understand that, just throws off aforementioned balance, and the fact that the story in its current state doesn't show a whole lot of his "good" acts doesn't benefit it.

Oh so only Salvar? I had no idea they were that insignificant. They definitely appeared like they'd play a more important role...though in 15 years, that's a lot of time for Enduras to hunt em down.
DF MQ  Post #: 353
2/28/2012 20:23:45   
Mordred
Member

Eventually Tumultu himself will later admit that he had forgotten exactly why he was executing the master plan to begin with, and made choices that did not further his cause. Strange. He had been plotting for so long that he lost sight of what he was plotting for. At the current point in the story, he's regained that sight, and means to make amends.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 354
2/28/2012 21:03:41   
Glais
Member

Wait...he forgot? xD You think he'd have records somewhere. Or some mind he stored it in.
EDIT:Drat, I am always the last poster....

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/7/2012 3:13:05 >
DF MQ  Post #: 355
3/10/2012 18:29:42   
Mordred
Member

Updated! The Eludinari Empire has officially declared war on the Network!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 356
3/10/2012 20:51:37   
Glais
Member

Hm, personally I found this chapter a bit...weird. No, that's too harsh and not how I meant it but rather...it's seriously going to have Mordred kill the Network. That just seems so...one-up ish and Stu-ish. I'm not quite sure how to explain it really. Certain things just seem to be lining up so Mordred can just be painted as THE BEST.

Anyhow, at least the end made Mordred somewhat likable, though of course that mayor's murder somewhat ruins things as far as that goes.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/10/2012 20:53:51 >
DF MQ  Post #: 357
3/10/2012 22:29:04   
Mordred
Member

I can assure you, he's not just going to destroy the Network, as much as he wants to. He's primarily trying to sow chaos so as to create order. What could create more chaos than an intergalactic war between two massive opposing factions?

Mordred's plan eventually calls for the Network's destruction. But he's using them, like I said. He could very easily sweep over them with his armadas, and if he were to go in himself... But he won't, not until he's able to draw out Chaos.

Jeeves, I think, will become one of my favorite non-OP characters.

< Message edited by Mordred -- 3/10/2012 22:37:58 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 358
3/10/2012 22:51:03   
Glais
Member

Oh I see. Well, his intentions are right at least, there's no redeeming of the Network.

Jeeves might be my favorite overall, after Krag anyways.

EDIT:Also, typo, you called Alister Alexander at one point.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 3/10/2012 23:06:06 >
DF MQ  Post #: 359
3/10/2012 23:07:43   
Mordred
Member

... Darn. I originally wanted to call him Alexander, but decided against it halfway through.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 360
3/10/2012 23:27:36   
Glais
Member

Hn, I prefer Alister myself, more unique. DF already has an Alexander.
DF MQ  Post #: 361
4/17/2012 22:49:37   
Razen
Member

quote:

They boy pulled up his arms in front of him in vain as the soldiers pulled on their triggers…


Somehow, no one found this one? xD They should be the.

quote:

As soon as they did, they were faced with a street clogged with strange being, made up out of strange materials.


I think that being, should be beings unless I missed a step. Also, you could make one of the strange's be bizarre instead. :P

quote:

As its jaws opened wide in an attempt to swallow him, he trust his arm upwards, sending his blade through its skull.


*thrust

quote:

As Mordred gazed up from where Glbradi had been, he saw a man clad in his old platinum and gold armor overlooking the solid landscape of clouds below.


*Galbradi

quote:

A deity’s power has to primary sources; their worshippers and their specific governance.


*two

quote:

The slithering Nharl’whal stumbled clumsily, dropping his boxes to the floor.


That should be Nhar'Whal, if I am correct.

quote:

For those who don’t know, the Network is a vast, intergalactic organization that is comprised of some of the universe’ vilest, cruelest, and heartless beings of the universe!


Shouldn't that be universe's? ._.

Anyways, I've found it to be interesting what I've caught up upon finally. I'm liking the plot somewhat, what with the Network FINALLY being fought, I suppose this means that Tumultu is far bolder against the gods now? I also found the nudge to the Matrix still nice, even though I knew about it ahead of hand. xD Although, I'm liking Mordred a little bit more...he seems less...absurdly powerful and more of just a tactical genius(For future reference: CREED!!!!!!).

Also, Alister's name is amazing. :3
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 362
4/17/2012 23:42:49   
Mordred
Member

What tyops and grammatical errors? I see none. >.>;

Yes, Tumultu's playing his foes against one another, partly to prove a point, partly to achieve his own ends, and partly for pleasure. And I still have yet to watch the Matrix. Any similarities are coincidental. :P Just... what does "CREED!!!!!!" mean?

Alister's an interesting man. He's head of the militaristic half of the Judge's, who operate in public view, and he also serves as the Grand Master Duelist of the Imperial Coliseum. Mordred acknowledges that violence itself is not evil, providing no one's at great risk of major injury or death(and with skilled magicians and technology, there's little chance of combatants doing so), so he has a gladiatorial arena for those wishing to hone their skills and test their mettle in combat situations without consequences of death or loss of livelihood. It's purely for sport, and gives both participants and the audience enjoyment. Alister worked his way up through the arena before becoming a Judge, and is widely known as a fierce melee combatant.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 363
4/17/2012 23:46:17   
Glais
Member

Creed is some sort of 40K meme thing where some guy planned everything.

Also, since you killed off all the judges (much to my disappointment) does this give you more time to develop Alister and Galbradi?

And will the DragonLord back at the first scuffle with Krag reappear?
DF MQ  Post #: 364
4/18/2012 6:22:52   
Razen
Member

Creed is specifically a 40K meme known to be able to hide ANYTHING due to his "Tactical Genius", thus it shows him getting Titans and other ridiculously huge stuff into absurd places. This, and this are examples of Creed at work.

Also, Alister is an example of a Warrior Leader...I never could see quite why you'd want the General to be the Strongest Warrior.

< Message edited by Razen -- 4/18/2012 6:38:56 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 365
5/16/2012 23:29:45   
Mordred
Member

Update-inated!

quote:

I never could see quite why you'd want the General to be the Strongest Warrior.

His true asset lies in his ability to create battle strategies that can be changed on the fly, and his penchant for twisting his orders as needed.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 366
5/17/2012 0:53:10   
Glais
Member

quote:

“Ah, welcome to our humble abode,” the man said in an eloquent voice with a heavy Italian accent.

YES. And now I have no choice but to imagine him as Ringo Roadagain fused with all of Passione!

Anyhow, chapter was a bit weird at first (I just can't "feel" the Malagath for some reason) but Mordred's section interests me. Jeeves is definitely my favorite, with maybe Krag surpassing him. He just seems like such a...normal guy. I like that about him. If somehow, he ended up as some godly powerful character...I wouldn't even mind, because I like him that much.
DF MQ  Post #: 367
5/17/2012 4:06:28   
Razen
Member

quote:

“Relax, Taran. She is with the High Priest of Ilgathar, trying to calm the crowds.”

“Is that what we try to do.”


Impossibly awkward dialogue. The latter needs fixed, however you wanted to portray it. I presume that just making it a question would work though.

quote:

“Thissss technology is a gift from our might lord Ilgathar!


Pretty sure that should be mighty.

quote:

When a rock thrown from the crowd struck his helmet at this time, he whirled about sharply, glaring defiantly below him.


Fairly certain that there needs to be a comma after struck.

Anyways, comments on the chapter itself, I see that the Collapse of the Dream has definitely begun...and the duel, a nice scene. Mordred's statement on the Eludinari was intriguing...
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 368
5/17/2012 7:10:27   
Mordred
Member

quote:

If somehow, he ended up as some godly powerful character...I wouldn't even mind, because I like him that much.

I have no such plans, ever!

quote:

Fairly certain that there needs to be a comma after struck.

Nope, that sentence is a-ok! Not the others, though. I'll try to fix 'em soon.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 369
6/12/2012 22:59:12   
Mordred
Member

Okie dokie Loki, I've been making progress on the next update, and I got the concept of the next world down.

The next world is known as Taiurula. It's sorta steampunk-ish(though I hesitate to use that term, considering how most people Just Glue Some Gears on It and Call it Steampunk), and there's definitely conflict. You have two main classes; the upper and middle classes, who are all able to afford cybernetic enhancements at birth. These enhancements are owned by a massive corporation that essentially makes and sells everything in the world, with a despicable Mr. Grant at its head. Said Mr. Grant lobbies the government with exorbitant amounts of money; so much so that almost the entire world government's officials are in his pocket. A few, such as the famous writer Aidan Worthington, make the best stand they can against Grant's policies of near-slave labor, aggressive business practices, and corruption within the government, but to little avail. Then, you have the lower, working class, who toil in Grant's factories. They cannot afford cybernetic enhancements at birth, so they're severely disadvantaged in their society, almost totally incapable of moving up in the world. It is in them that the Empire has sown the seeds of unrest, and has been militarizing the strikers to try to destroy Grant's company and return the government to the people. It is here that Taran will begin to question if it is better to side with the corrupt, ruthless Grant in favor of free will, or try to help a clearly disadvantaged people who will benefit most from Tumultu's vision.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 370
6/12/2012 23:15:32   
Mortarion
Member

What planet's have you pinned down so far? Also, this planet looks good
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 371
6/12/2012 23:21:00   
Glais
Member

quote:

A few, such as the famous writer Aidan Worthington

Heeheeheee....

Reminds me of The Factory, only less creepy quite a bit.

And I quite enjoyed that video xD
DF MQ  Post #: 372
6/12/2012 23:28:20   
Mortarion
Member

Hey Mordred, since this is so massive, I'd suggest to make an index with the terns you invented, characters and that stuff. Remember this is only a suggestion that would improve the reading, and thusthe ability to enjoy your storie
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 373
6/12/2012 23:30:28   
Glais
Member

While I agree that some sort of index would help, forum-wise where would it be posted I wonder...
DF MQ  Post #: 374
6/12/2012 23:36:27   
Mordred
Member

quote:

quote:

A few, such as the famous writer Aidan Worthington

Heeheeheee....

What's with the laugh?

Yeah, not nearly on the Factory level, but Grant... He's a monster. He's a salesman. He's a capitalist, first and foremost, letting absolutely nothing stop his pursuit of wealth.

I very much enjoyed the video, too. It's so true.

quote:

Hey Mordred, since this is so massive, I'd suggest to make an index with the terns you invented, characters and that stuff. Remember this is only a suggestion that would improve the reading, and thusthe ability to enjoy your storie

Hmmm... I'll have to consider that...

< Message edited by Mordred -- 6/12/2012 23:37:27 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 375
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