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Crimzon5 -> RE: Mordred's Vengeance Comments (5/17/2010 9:50:54)
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Hi Lord Voidstar.
Some errors I've found on the last post (which for now contains all the installments)
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No longer was it dangerous to remain seperate on the mountain
separate
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"...And in other news, it has come to our attention that Mount Everest has erupted only just yesterday. Scientists are scratching their heads in bafflement, because who knew Mount Everest was really a volcano?"
Splendid! Nice way to make the story thrilling. However, when making a sci-fi story, try not to reference in your current time. Second, don't change facts (but let's say that Mr. X is the fastest person in our time. In the story, it could be possible that he had already been beaten).
quote:
ho cared what happened in the Himalayas? There were far worse things to be worried about for them in the near future..
You either have an excess of one period OR a you lack one if you wish to use an ellipsis (which is three dots like this: ...). But of course, it'd be better use a period.
*
quote:
The coffins had been clawed open from the inside (if only Artix was there). Oh yes. The first post says that this is a DF-AQ-Fan-Fic.
quote:
What woes befell Terra within those next weeks.
I think it'd be better to use an exclamation point here. When people say "What a pain it has been!" ... they speak in a certain tone that makes use of expression.
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All abel bodied people were
able-bodied
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defenses the President had stationed and defend their loved ones; including Harry.
turn it into a comma
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Around this was a crag that surely led down to the fiery magma that gave the dracolich sustanance.
sustenance
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The chances of this great host being caught off guard was slim to none.
"Chances" is the subject, "was" is the main verb. One is plural, the other is used by singular ones. I'd change "was" to "were."
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hearts had been chorrupted by the Emperor of the Shadowscythe
This word sounds familiar? Is it an AQW-term?
quote:
These thirteen thrones varied in hight by increments
height
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will be refered to by their rank until their
referred
Ooo, I loved reading the dialogue. Especially when you refer to people by just using their roman numeral name.
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to himself.Lesser beings think at such a mediocre
You lack a space after the period
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no doubt holding some arcane improtance
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with a slight overhange
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back, which will be explaine at a later date
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: we could layest seige to the American capital
Some typos. "Siege" is spelled with I before the E
quote:
an almost indestructable titanium alloy
indestructible
quote:
almost helf the military in the area was wiped
held
quote:
the catapulters released their deadly
Not sure if that's a real word. But if you look at it, it's still okay (and safer) to say if the catapults released their ammunition.
quote:
Harry was stupified; all he did was
stupefied
Well, that's all I could find. Hope you keep this up and continue to improve.
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