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5/21/2010 16:25:08   
Hogo
Penguintastic!


Basically, I felt like adding all my pieces in one go, please be gentle yet firm :D

Man's ineptitude and ignorance..

Anyways, enjoy criticizing and commenting :)

EDIT: PS Please keep in mind that some of these are written in journal entry sort of way because that is what I am familiar with, others are written in a short short short story or philosophic way...

< Message edited by Hogo -- 5/21/2010 16:27:41 >
AQ DF  Post #: 1
5/21/2010 16:36:49   
Jadugarr
Member

Ha, I feel like I just stumbled onto the sequel to my story "Weaving Madness."
I wonder if this can be considered a narrative poem...

Anywho, it's tad melodramatic, but who cares as long as it was fun to write?
I've only read the first two posts, but I'll be sure to finish this the next time I'm free.

Looks great thus far.

< Message edited by Jadugarr -- 5/21/2010 16:37:36 >
DF MQ  Post #: 2
5/24/2010 18:18:08   
Hogo
Penguintastic!


Thanks for the warm comment. I know it seems quite melodramatic, it is supposed to be dark and melodramatic, so I am glad you got that :) I was also wondering if they couldn't be classified as narrative poetry but decided it was a form of prose..

I have read yours(though not all, yet, there is much! :D ) and yes mine is very much like yours. I enjoy your life commentary, your philosophical points-of-address and your near religious theology. It is very much enjoyable. I will continue to enjoy reading yours, please feel free to peruse mine. I have more I will be posting in the future, quite a few unfinished short stories(which I hope to finish) and something quite different(a sort of quote collection of sorts)..

Again, thank you for commenting :)
AQ DF  Post #: 3
5/26/2010 17:40:10   
Remington
Member

I thought the first one was nice at first, rather Voltairian (which i will admit i am a big fan of Voltaire), but then seemed to become fairly Marxist, which i didn't like. i enjoyed the peculiarity of religion though. i enjoy your writing style. haven't read them all, but i do plan on it.

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AQ  Post #: 4
5/26/2010 19:05:39   
Hogo
Penguintastic!


Thank you :D I do try to add a bit of philosophy in my writing. I also read yours, I have left you a comment :)
AQ DF  Post #: 5
5/27/2010 16:13:16   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

OK, so, I've read everything you posted so far. =)

I like your style of writing very much, with the dark undercurrent and the swifting feel from being right in the middle of it (Nostalgia) to being a sort of an outside observer (The Train). You are a very captivating and fluid writer, judging by these pieces, imo. =)

There are a few typos here and there, mostly in Nostalgia. I'm not sure if you'd like them pointed out or rather do more proofreading by yourself once you have the time?

< Message edited by Fleur Du Mal -- 5/27/2010 16:14:03 >
DF  Post #: 6
6/25/2010 11:23:22   
Hogo
Penguintastic!


Sorry for the long wait for a reply..

Thank you for your kind words :) If you would like then yes please do post typos and such, it will make the editing take less time when I have the time to go through it all :)
AQ DF  Post #: 7
6/28/2010 16:30:38   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

OK, hunting some typos by the above request... =)


First entry.
1)
quote:

Here in lies the fallacy of man, one chooses to slave for the betterment of his character and to contribute to the diminishing economy of this world.

Herein is written without the space.

2)
quote:

Yet his claims are belittled by the state that wishes he contribute more,

This I'm not totally sure of but you might want to check... should it rather be
'that wishes he'd contribute more'
'that wishes he contributed more'
'that wishes him to contribute more'
?
The grammar of the current version feels a bit awkward to me.

3)
quote:

Where we believe nothing to be, something exists, such is the truth that exists also within the world of man, the unexplained is explainable maybe not yet but shall become.

This sentence seems to have a tad odd punctuation to me. I'm not certain if something is missing in the end as well. Purrhaps:
'Where we believe nothing to be, something exists, such is the truth that exists also within the world of man: the unexplained is explainable, maybe not yet, but it shall become that.'

For clarity, it might be better to cut the sentence in two parts as I feel it's currently losing some of its weight. You first declare that there is something existing and that the unexplainable is explainable, but immediately go on and mitigate it by adding the current end to the same sentence. It is like giving a speech of this nature:
'There is an answer to the question you think has none! (Well, honestly, maybe not now, but there will be...)'
For me, the conviction is completely washed away there.

Here's one suggestion for an edit, it's totally your call, of course:
'Where we believe nothing to be, something exists, such is the truth that exists also within the world of man: the unexplained is explainable. This may be not evident yet, but it shall become that.'

Heh, I don't know if I made any sense with that. =P

4)
quote:

That which we find easy to explain is not as we perceive but in truth is far more complex than we would like to believe.

Is there the word 'easy' missing?
'is not as easy as we perceive'



Second entry
1)
quote:

I drum up my expectations of my return and fantasize about enjoying a cup of warm, delicious, marshmellowy, cup of hot chocolate.

Repeating 'cup of' seems rather odd to me. Purrhaps:
'a cup of warm, delicious, and marshmellowy hot chocolate'

2)
quote:

the cold is about to become exchanged with the blessing warmth of a woolen blanket.

Another spot I'm not 100% sure of. Instinctively, I'd use 'blessed' instead of 'blessing' here as the latter gives the impression that the blanket would be actively blessing something.



Third Entry
1)
quote:

Though I live in this life, I feel no vibe, no feel of connectivity.

Since you already used the word 'feel' I don't think you need to add it again. Wouldn't
"Though I live in this life, I feel no vibe, no connectivity"
flow better?

To live in this life seems a rather peculiar expression as well. Did you put in the preposition there on purpose? Usually one lives a life or lives in a lie, but living in a life sounds truly odd.
I'd suggest the following edit. If it's too far from your personal style, I do understand if you reject it, of course:
'Though I live this life, I feel no vibe, no connectivity to it.'

2)
quote:

What I feel is my divine right, my promise to myself?

I suspect the word order here actually makes this not a question. So, I guess either the questionmark should be a period or the word order a tad different:
'Is what I feel my divine right, my promise to myself?'

3)
quote:

I cannot know, I can only hope but will it then be a waste of the time that life is so short of or will I understand of the concepts that I within myself develop?

I think this sentence is a bit awkwardly worded as well... I'm not 100% sure how to eidt it, but would this make any sense to you:
'I cannot know, I can only hope, but will it still turn to be a waste of the time that life is so short of, or will I understand the concepts that I develop within myself?'



Fourth Entry
1)
quote:

When I arrived I was stunned by the empty feeling of being early, I had not been early in weeks, nonetheless my non-essential day began of course not working but being really, extremely lazy.

The punctuation feels a bit odd to me here. Purrhaps the sentence is a bit run-on-wy as well, imo at least. Could I suggest splitting it into two?
'When I arrived, I was stunned by the empty feeling of being early; I had not been early in weeks. Nonetheless, my non-essential day began of course not by working, but being really, extremely lazy.'

2)
quote:

I started by logging on to an online RPG called Battleon.com a habit that is formed when near an internet connection, the second window I opened led me to Hi5.

Same thing as above, I think the punctuation is awry. If I may give you a little advice? Most of your sentences are fluid even when they are long, but sometimes you might be putting too much stuff in them. Adding that to less than 100% clear punctuation can make the sentences somewhat hard to follow. Try to double-check your longer sentences and cut them shorter if you feel they start to pounce from one topic to another. Purrhaps an edit here, a new sentence started between the opening of windows?

'I started by logging on to an online RPG called Battleon.com − a habit that is formed when near an internet connection. The second window I opened led me to Hi5. '

Another point would be about the bolded words. It seems the habit already is there, so it's not anymore forming near an internet connection, but materializing there. So, instead of 'is formed' I'd suggest using something like
'a habit that kicks in when near an internet connection'

Lastly, and now I'm nitpicking, but I think RPG is missing 'site' there as .com is a site and not the actual game --->
'I started by logging on to an online RPG site called Battleon.com − a habit that kicks in when near an internet connection. The second window I opened led me to Hi5.'

3)
quote:

Now I have been living in Sri Lanka for the last 4 years previous to that I was in a boarding school called Kodaikanal Internation School in Tamil Nadu, India.

I supect this sentence would need some punctuation as well and maybe also some clarification of the timeline. I'm not sure 'Now' is needed at the start as the timeline is given at the end of the sentence and with the tense, anyway.
'I have been living in Sri Lanka for the last four years. Previously, I was in a boarding school called Kodaikanal Internation School in Tamil Nadu, India.'
I'm in the habit of typing simple numbers with letters as the common grammar rules usually say, thus replacing '4' with 'four' in the above suggestion. If you think the informal diary-type of entries of numbers as such suit your style better, I have no claims against it. =)

4)
quote:

I have always been quite emotional and so connected to many within the school, I could everyone's name in the school, that was 500 students of which I knew 250 of the students' last name's aswell.

Here's another sentence I'd recommend splitting into two. (I hope you haven't grown bored with that already. =P)
I also think there's a verb missing and a few typos at the end:
'I have always been quite emotional and so connected to many within the school. I could remember everyone's name in the school: that was 500 students of which I knew 250 of the students' last names as well.'

5)
quote:


In the next 3 months after I had left the 9th grade of learning I felt angry, at myself, at the one who lead to my demise, and at every single piece of dirt that had ever existed.

The first comma here feels odd to me. The first item in a list is not usually separated with a comma.

6)
quote:

This lessened considerably when I finally moved to Sri Lanka, the Maldives were too cramped and depressing, and I began feel left out and I started to deperately miss the institution

Here I'd again split this sentence into two, using the first part of it as a sort of introduction to the rest. Also, there seems to be the preposition 'to' missing in the bolded section.

7)
quote:

The feeling is that of guilt mixed with the stomach flu and a couple of emotionally unstable moments all together in a streched out bang that can last weeks, also known to some as loss.

a)Why to use present tense here? Shouldn't this be in the past tense as the section before it?
b) To clarify the thought, I think you need a comma between 'moments' and 'all'
c) I suspect 'streched-out' works as a compound modifier here and needs the hyphen to connect the words.



Fifth entry
1)
quote:

The religion of the authors and artists of the Mohammed pictural article were of Christian religion therefore it is not against their religion to draw a picture or find and publish a picture of Mohammed.

Mesuspects there's a comma missing here.

2)
quote:

I am not for people drawing pictures of a prophet who should not be allowed to be drawn but I am a firm believer in peoples right to choose their own religion and following that.

I think a comma prior to 'but' would be good for clarity also in here. The other bolded word seems to have a typo -> people's



Sixth entry

quote:

I have asked this question to myself before

I don't think the preposition 'to' is needed with 'asking' --->
'I have asked myself this question before'

****
I have a few more points that caught my eye to write out for you to check them, but I think I'm taking a break now. I'll either edit the rest of those in here or put them in a new post if there's a reply to this thread before that.

Apart from the plain typos, the suggestions are just suggestions. You can use those if you want to as such, but the purrpose of many of them is just to point out sentences that in my opinion could do with some clarification or polishing. In case you agree with me that they need polishing, the actual method you want to do that with, is totally up to you. Of course. Goes without saying, right? But I just did. Oh well... someone really needs her break. =P
DF  Post #: 8
6/29/2010 7:02:14   
Hogo
Penguintastic!


Ok, WOW! I had no idea you would be so comprehensive, thanks! I agree that I do have a problem with run on sentences, always have. All of your suggestions do make sense but some of them I won't change as I feel that I have gotten exactly what I wanted out of the sentence. Although I will reword those most probably :) The bulk of your suggestions will be used as they really were spot-on. I also have a problem with leaving out words because I think two sentences on, a problem I have had since my early teens. I had a teacher who once tried to get me to slow down my train of thought but my creativity lessened so I went back to my old style.

Thanks Fleur, for your hard work. Now take that well deserved break! :D

P.S. The things that I won't change I'll be sure to make a note of why it was left unchanged :)

EDIT: Didn't want to double post.

First Entry:

quote:

2)

quote:

Yet his claims are belittled by the state that wishes he contribute more,


This I'm not totally sure of but you might want to check... should it rather be
'that wishes he'd contribute more'
'that wishes he contributed more'
'that wishes him to contribute more'
?
The grammar of the current version feels a bit awkward to me.


Changed to: "Yet his claims are belittled by the state, wishing that he contribute more, takes away his only bread and butter forcing the man to endure more..."
Felt that this worked alot better for what I wanted to say.


quote:

4)

quote:

That which we find easy to explain is not as we perceive but in truth is far more complex than we would like to believe.


Is there the word 'easy' missing?
'is not as easy as we perceive'


Changed to: "...explain, is not, it is actually far more complex..."
-Perceived and truth are not needed as it is apparent from the actual statement of the sentence.



Second Entry:

quote:

2)

quote:

the cold is about to become exchanged with the blessing warmth of a woolen blanket.


Another spot I'm not 100% sure of. Instinctively, I'd use 'blessed' instead of 'blessing' here as the latter gives the impression that the blanket would be actively blessing something.


Hehe, actually, yes. When I am trying to explain the feeling I get when warmed by the woolen blanket which is akin to feeling blessed, therefore I would be blessed not the the blanket :)



Third Entry:

quote:

1)

quote:

Though I live in this life, I feel no vibe, no feel of connectivity.


Since you already used the word 'feel' I don't think you need to add it again. Wouldn't
"Though I live in this life, I feel no vibe, no connectivity"
flow better?

To live in this life seems a rather peculiar expression as well. Did you put in the preposition there on purpose? Usually one lives a life or lives in a lie, but living in a life sounds truly odd.
I'd suggest the following edit. If it's too far from your personal style, I do understand if you reject it, of course:
'Though I live this life, I feel no vibe, no connectivity to it.


I need your help with this one.. Could I put, "Though, in this life that I live, I feel no vibe and no feeling of connectivity."? That would serve my purpose and seems to flow a bit better...

quote:

3)

quote:

I cannot know, I can only hope but will it then be a waste of the time that life is so short of or will I understand of the concepts that I within myself develop?


I think this sentence is a bit awkwardly worded as well... I'm not 100% sure how to eidt it, but would this make any sense to you:
'I cannot know, I can only hope, but will it still turn to be a waste of the time that life is so short of, or will I understand the concepts that I develop within myself?'


Changed to: "I cannot know, I can only hope. If it does happen, will it then be a waste of the time that life is so short of or will I understand of the concepts that I, within myself, develop?"
Seems to work, what do you think?



Fourth Entry:

quote:

3)

quote:

Now I have been living in Sri Lanka for the last 4 years previous to that I was in a boarding school called Kodaikanal Internation School in Tamil Nadu, India.


I supect this sentence would need some punctuation as well and maybe also some clarification of the timeline. I'm not sure 'Now' is needed at the start as the timeline is given at the end of the sentence and with the tense, anyway.
'I have been living in Sri Lanka for the last four years. Previously, I was in a boarding school called Kodaikanal Internation School in Tamil Nadu, India.'
I'm in the habit of typing simple numbers with letters as the common grammar rules usually say, thus replacing '4' with 'four' in the above suggestion. If you think the informal diary-type of entries of numbers as such suit your style better, I have no claims against it. =)


Changed to: "Now... I have been living in Sri Lanka for the last 4 years. Previous to that I was in a boarding school called Kodaikanal International School in Tamil Nadu, India."
- "Now" is to change the train of thought so I had to let it stay somehow. It's funny about the number thing actually, I have a thing(call it a tick or annoying habit) where if it is a low number then I always use the number instead of writing it out, except for one and two :P

quote:

5)

quote:


In the next 3 months after I had left the 9th grade of learning I felt angry, at myself, at the one who lead to my demise, and at every single piece of dirt that had ever existed.


The first comma here feels odd to me. The first item in a list is not usually separated with a comma.


Changed to: "In the next 3 months after I had left the 9th grade of learning I felt angry; mostly at myself but also at the one who lead to my demise and at every single piece of dirt that had ever existed."
-I liked that part but you are right.. lists aren't allowed to have commas before the first item.

quote:

6)

quote:

This lessened considerably when I finally moved to Sri Lanka, the Maldives were too cramped and depressing, and I began feel left out and I started to deperately miss the institution


Here I'd again split this sentence into two, using the first part of it as a sort of introduction to the rest. Also, there seems to be the preposition 'to' missing in the bolded section.


Changed to: "This feeling lessened considerably when I finally moved to Sri Lanka. However, the Maldives were too cramped and depressing, I began to feel left out and started to deperately miss the institution that I once believed to be Hell and Heaven."
- Gotcha! ;)

quote:

7)

quote:

The feeling is that of guilt mixed with the stomach flu and a couple of emotionally unstable moments all together in a streched out bang that can last weeks, also known to some as loss.


a)Why to use present tense here? Shouldn't this be in the past tense as the section before it?
b) To clarify the thought, I think you need a comma between 'moments' and 'all'
c) I suspect 'streched-out' works as a compound modifier here and needs the hyphen to connect the words.


Changed to: "The feeling is that of guilt mixed with the stomach flu and a couple of emotionally unstable moments, poured together in a streched-out bang that can last weeks, also known to some as loss."
- I keep the present-tense as it is meant to be a sort of narrative comment to the flashback feel of the story. Changed the other things :)




And that was that :D Thanks alot Fleur, I feel the entries have just become ten times better! :D
You're welcome to post anything else you feel is missing or needs to be changed, you were so nice to do it :) /me supersnuzzlehuggles

EDIT: Oh yeah, forgot to say something... Everything that I haven't commented is because I have changed it just as you suggested(I think once or twice I might have added a word or something).

< Message edited by Hogo -- 6/29/2010 7:56:56 >
AQ DF  Post #: 9
6/30/2010 16:08:08   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Thanks for the reply, Hogo! =)

I'm going to comment on two things in your reply before moving on.

Regarding the third entry, you asked about this:
quote:

I need your help with this one.. Could I put, "Though, in this life that I live, I feel no vibe and no feeling of connectivity."? That would serve my purpose and seems to flow a bit better...

The problem in my opinion with this one is that I think it's unneccessary to have both 'to feel' as a verb there as well as a noun 'feeling'. Even though you have not written it out from word to word, there's still the connection between those, so that in my mind I read:
'I feel no vibe and I feel no feeling of connectivity' each time I go over the sentence. To me, it just seems unneccessarily wordy. The beginning of the sentence works out great, I'm just wondering why wouldn't the end of it serve its purrpose in a shorter form, eg:
'Though, in this life that I live, I feel no vibe nor connectivity.'
But, in the end, it's your story and your decision! =)

Also regarding the third entry, you asked this:
quote:

Changed to: "I cannot know, I can only hope. If it does happen, will it then be a waste of the time that life is so short of or will I understand of the concepts that I, within myself, develop?"
Seems to work, what do you think?

I think it works very well indeed. =) There's one thing I'm not sure, though. to the best of my knowledge, one does not use the preposition 'of' with the verb 'to understand'. It does go with the noun 'understanding', though. I could be wrong, do check. =P


OKies, I'll go back to the Sixth Entry, I think there were a few things left...

Yeah, the first sentence is somewhat on the long side. I was thinking that maybe you wanted to check that and purrhaps consider giving the reader a spot or two to breathe. Either way, there's a tiny typo
1)
quote:

the answer that I come up with is that through out life we do things that the we do,

'throughout' goes without the space.

2)
quote:

Why? because we are dead and people need memories to feel happy therefore they create the visual and historical representation for you in their lives, they use what they have determined as our purpose and worth to determine who we are and how long they should remember us.

Here 'Because' has accidentally been left uncapitalized and there's a comma missing before 'therefore'.



Seventh Entry
Ah, to the last and my favourite (so far) entry...

1)
quote:

The train what a curious thing.

The starting sentence seems to be missing a denoted pause in it. Purrhaps a dash could do?
'The train − what a curious thing.'

2)
quote:

It is mostly late and hardly early yet people enjoy its comfort of non-compulsory driving.

Mesuspects there's a word missing in here, 'hardly ever early', purrhaps?

3)
quote:

There are no take-backs, no do overs, no second chances.

Just as 'take-backs' I think the 'do-overs' needs a hyphen as well.

4)
quote:

The best of these relationships are those of no regret, each partner does what they wish and respnd how they like.

Mesuspects the comma should be a colon as the rest of the sentence explains/elaborates on the beginning... Not 100% sure, please check.
Also, there's a small typo, 'respond' is missing its o.

5)
quote:

be it reluctanse or the matter of time.

Another tiny typo: methinks reluctance takes 's' very reluctantly.

And I believe that's all I got for now. Thanks again for taking the time to answer with the depth that you did. =)
DF  Post #: 10
6/30/2010 18:00:22   
Xplayer
Roaming the Web


I enjoyed reading these pieces. Your feelings really come across strongly, but despite their frequent cynical tone, they weren't overly melodramatic (but perhaps that's just because I largely agree with the pieces' messages). The variation in style with these short entries is what intrigued me the most. Some of them read like essays, others like blog or journal entries, and still others read like poems, only formated like prose.
AQ AQW  Post #: 11
12/28/2010 20:48:19   
Hogo
Penguintastic!


Updated with war poetry and story.
AQ DF  Post #: 12
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