Glais
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Greatly appreciated. Sorry that it's taken so long to get back to you, have been busy with college and family.
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This time would be no different, probably there was some sort of monster up there.
The wording here seems a little awkward, I'd suggest "most likely" or "there was probably" instead of just "probably" or a similar transition.
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Despite what he had thought< , > the rocks falling down troubled him more than the height.
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Heavily breathing< , > he now looked over the evergreen forests, spotting the local bandit camp on the horizon as his hands held tight to cracks in the rocky wall at his back.
There are some tense disagreements here which can alter how naturally the sentence reads. I think the simplest fix would be to have the opening something like "he breathed heavily and looked...and spotted the local bandit camp". The rest can be kept in present tense because the timing of it is after the aforementioned actions.
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carefully letting his fingers slide over the sturdy stone
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He could feel the cracks, the foliage that grew on or through the stone, the compression that had shaped this mountain< ; > he thought he even could sense a faint sensation while going over a smooth surface.
Incredibly optional, I just thought with how complete the second half/idea of the sentence is a semicolon could work.
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He let those thoughts slide and saw some thunderheads< , > giving off a golden glow by the rising sun< , > float by, paying the lone climber little interest as they went about their way.
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while getting a clear image of the world around him, the mountain, no the image the mountain perceived of the world while standing still.
Found this section a little difficult to understand, I think just removing "The Mountain" would help make it a little clearer and tie-in the image Azer is seeing to be the image the mountain "sees".
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All while he felt the odd sensation on several other times and saw vulture-like creatures circling him from the corner of his eyes.
Not quite sure what sensation this is referring to.
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By the time Azer had reached a plateau< , > the sun had crept along the heavens to shine with all of it's splendour on the stone, heating it up.
its
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The figure was tall and skinny, where grey-greenish feathers did not cover you could see a tanned skin that barely covered any flesh.
I think this could either be two separate sentences or just joined by "and" rather than the comma to keep the two ideas related if you like.
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Still< , > the tail and the manner the figure held it's hybrid wing-arms had something regal to it.
Believe there should be a phrase such as "with which" after "the manner", as otherwise it reads is the figure is holding "the manner", even though the context makes it easy to understand that's not the case.
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"Does he now?"
"I'll tell you what, should he succeed in defeating my other recruits I'll let him join."
Both of these are the Theemis' quotes correct? The separate paragraph made it seem like there was another speaker.
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It wasn't before long till the screech was responded by half a dozen soaring Theemises who landed in a straight line on the platform, though none of them were as big as the Soaring Theemis who gave out orders.
Should be "responded to" or "met with" or something similar.
Would also just change this to "one" or "he" to reduce redundancy, as you have already referred to soaring Theemises just before this.
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He seemed off< , > unlike the others he wore a helmet.
Should be "and" or a semicolon as you have two complete ideas on either side of the comma (I think "and" is a more natural transition in this case though, as the semicolon would imply the helmet is directly related to him being "off", though that is not really apparent for any reason beyond the Captain Falcon reference).
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Azer assumed battle formation, holding the back of the blades against his wrists while his right arm acted as the guard for his front and his left arm for the guard of his back.
For fluency I think this might be better served as two sentences, ending the first after "Wrists". I don't think it's necessarily an incorrect sentence in structure, but due to the use of arm positioning so many times in the same sentence, it can be a little confusing upon first read.
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Then< , > as he slightly
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Feather now too choose to test her luck
Chose
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though not as spectacularly as Feather
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Falconpunch readied another attack, which would hit him in the back with a chance of him breaking his spine.
Believe the "him" here is unnecessary and confuses the sentence a little. Optional, the first him could be substituted with "Azer"
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Azer's arms were torn open and blood was flowing freely< , > three of his challengers had been defeated and three more had to be dealt with.
No need for the comma, these are two complete sentences on their own.
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heap that consisted of the two knocked out bodies< , > he was cut off again and again
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He decided it was of no use to try it like this and waited, this time Feather struck him from behind and tore his back open.
Two separate ideas again, semicolon could also fit however in order to relate the strike to Azer's deliberation.
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Running seemed to do little good either, so he made a run for it.
Why is he running if he just said it would do little good?
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Eagle Eye spotted his movement and dove at him, just as she was about to knock him down he flung an Earth sphere at her which made her come down like a brick.
Two complete ideas. Just curious is the Earth sphere a magical attack?
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They both cried in pain and briefly they were enraged enough to carve into solid stone, then they both collapsed in pain.
Don't quite understand why they were carving into stone if their hands were mangled and they were unable to stand. If it is meant to be an anlogy it's a little vague as it's using similar terminology to the rest of the fight (we know they're fighting among stones, Theemises use carving etc.)
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After that he sat down and closed his eyes< , > his magic might heal wounds but replenish blood it could not.
Semicolon may be appropriate
Anyhow, I'm glad to have finally gotten to see the bonus chapter, and it's good to see Azer demonstrating some quick thinking and fighting ability as well. I'm surprised the Mage and Theemis were so ready to have him mangled though, and wonder what the overarching goal the two of them had in arranging this. Hope to see more from you soon.
< Message edited by Glais -- 8/19/2019 14:00:46 >
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