RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion


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6/7/2012 10:13:13

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

Since Ginkage took care of most typos, I'll be going more into the story and such.

I find it odd where Chapter 6 picks off, I really do. It just doesn't make any sense, in my opinion.

One moment he is to go back to the hall to clean it, then he wakes up in the middle of a room (transformed) to falls on his beak and after a disheartening conversation decides to leave the clanhall again.* Why did he put up with all the stuff they made him go through at the B.o.H. H.Q. and simply leaves when people (basically) tell him to go take a hike?

quote:

Seeing as Raven has little to do here, he agreed and flew out of an open window.

had (On another note, I thought he had plenty of work to do. See *.)

CH.3

quote:

Therril was showing signs of great hunger, his body is getting weaker, he gets tired easier and worst of all, his stomach is almost killing him.

Therril was showing signs of great hunger, his body was getting weaker, he got tired more easily and worst of all his stomach was almost killing him.

quote:

Therril's hopes were comming back. Maybe he found a magic tower or something. Inhabitted by people that could help him.

coming, Inhabited

*Oberved pattern: Stay at a place to do cleaning (and cooking?). (Aeris Battlespire)>Leave distraught.>Meet stranger who transforms him.>Train with Chisagen.>Stay at a place to do cleaning and cooking. (B.o.H. H.Q.)>Leave distraught.

AQW

Post #: 26

6/8/2012 4:02:49

Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!

I don't think you understand the story then Dwelling Dragonlord.
After leaving the BoH great hall and going to sleep in the side cabbin, he was dreaming about a past experience back when he was still a resident of the Aeris battlespire. Afterwards he woke up and falls on his beak.
This is actually said quite clearly at the end of chapter 5.

quote:

had (On another note, I thought he had plenty of work to do. See *.)

What else could he have to do then that he actually can do? He has close to no leads as for why he was transformed and he has to wait before he can join the Beacons anyway.
So doing something else is quite possible.

AQW

Post #: 27

6/8/2012 4:51:21

Glais
Member

Yeah MUCH better with the fixes and such.

Hm, feels kinda...separate from DF though, more like it's a detail on the BoH and not Lore, though that may be the point.

Post #: 28

6/8/2012 11:55:20

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

@Therril Oreb: I see, the fillers were badly placed though. They interrupted the flow of the story you had going there.

quote:

What else could he have to do then that he actually can do? He has close to no leads as for why he was transformed and he has to wait before he can join the Beacons anyway.
So doing something else is quite possible.

Didn't he have to do chores? (Ginkage will be so mad that he bailed on her.)

AQW

Post #: 29

6/8/2012 15:03:24

Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!

@Glaisaurus: The Beacons of Hope play a big role in the story, but you will see more of DF as the story progresses (though it will eventually track away from it once the main event of the story gets really on the way)
Right now it is all about introducing the more important characters, a long background of Therril (now Raven) for everything will play a big role in the story.

@Dwelling Dragonlord: The fillers were kind of some side inspiriation I had while writing so I thought putting them in was a nice extra. You can skip it though since I will make sure to put "Filler" in the title whenever there is one (though there shouldn't be too many of them)

quote:

Didn't he have to do chores? (Ginkage will be so mad that he bailed on her.)

Gingkage doesn't know it. All she sees is a raven so there is no way to know that it is Therril right in front of her (explains why she talks of Raven as a stranger)

AQW

Post #: 30

6/8/2012 15:56:27

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

@Therril Oreb: But Ginkage is bound to find out her cleaning service has left after a while, does she not? I mean, I get she doesn't know it is Therril who is in front of her, but sooner or later she'll notice him to be gone and then .... EVIL GINKAGE!

AQW

Post #: 31

6/8/2012 17:32:50

Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!

Hehe, only time will tell Dwelling. Chapter 7 is comming tomorow, who knows what will happen

AQW

Post #: 32

6/9/2012 17:05:52

Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows

Hmm, I see we start the main storyline. Nice. (I think). So that means the BoH headquarters is near the Keep? Or is Raven just an ambitious flyer.

As for the last chapter... kinda got it, kinda needed your comments here to get it. Or a re-read.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 33

6/9/2012 18:31:31

Gingkage
Wolf Rider

@Dwelling: If I didn't know better, I'd almost think you didn't like me because I haven't gotten around to your L&L yet. :P In my defense, I only just found it the other day and I've been busy. It's on my to-do list.
@Therril: Message me when you update next so I can try my best to critique it. I don't check the L&L every day.

Post #: 34

6/9/2012 18:35:46

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

@Ginkage: It's more like the way Therril describes your character. She does not seem very friendly (with Therril at least).

@Therril Oreb: Is Chapter 7 complete or still under construction?

AQW

Post #: 35

6/10/2012 4:03:54

Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!

It is still under construction yes, I had it rather busy yesterday (more then I had hoped for) but as Ravena Guessed it, the DF storyline is woven into it and plays kind of the training of Raven.
I will adjust certain fixed facts of DF to make it match the character but all in all, it will play a part in it.

Also, Gingkage's character is not "unfriendly" she is wary of strangers. Gingkage can explain her character more then I can, but she is far from unfriednly as you will see later on (I say later too often lol)

@Ravena: Well, seieng as I didn't put a fixed time in between flying around the clan base and when the red dragon appears, you can debate about the distance. Raven just flied about looking for anything interesting so he cared little about how far he went.

< Message edited by Therril Oreb -- 6/10/2012 4:05:46 >

AQW

Post #: 36

6/13/2012 1:49:35

Gingkage
Wolf Rider

quote:

Gingkage can explain her character more then I can

I can? Considering that I gave you fairly free reign with how you describe me, I have no idea what I'm going to do in your story next. But, if I were to assume that you're going off how I am in chat... wary of strangers seems about the right description.

Post #: 37

6/19/2012 3:25:34

Gingkage
Wolf Rider

Okay. Here goes a tired critique. I might go back and give a proper one once I'm awake, lol.

quote:

So what could a red dragon be doing out here in the middle of nowhere since he was a bit too far from the clan's base to link the dragon with the clan.

This sentence doesn't make much sense to me. Why would Therril think that the dragon had something to do with the Beacons? It sounds like you're trying to connect the two when in reality they are two seperate things.

quote:

Seeing as Raven could never follow that dragon let alone unnoticed, Raven set his on the white robed person.

You forgot a word. :P It sould say 'Raven set his eyes on the white robbed person' or 'Raven set his sights on the white robbed person.' Or some other word that means the exact same thing. Who knows?

quote:

On a closer look, it seems like she is carrying something, a box of some sort. Raven wondered what could be in it.

Tenses, Therril. You start the paragraph in past tense, then go to present tense (in the first sentence in the quote), and then go back to past.

quote:

And right before Raven could hear what they were discussing about, a loud roar stunned everyone.

Technically you could probably leave it since the general point is understood, but in English, it would be more common to write 'But right before Raven could hear what they were discussing' or 'But right before Raven could hear what they were talking about.'

quote:

So he must have been out cold for not too long.

This would probably be written 'So he must not have been out cold for very long/too long' or 'So he must not have been unconscious for very long/too long' in general.

quote:

Too brave for an ordinary bird don't you think yourself?

I don't think the 'yourself' is needed, but I could be wrong.

quote:

He is just a cursed child no?

And again you switch tenses (from past to present). Typically, I believe this sentence would be written 'He was just a cursed child, right?' but I could be wrong. Just an opinion.

quote:

By the time he wakes up, he can see it is getting dark.

You switched back to present again.

quote:

The Beacons' clanbase being a bit too far away, Raven flew to the first place he found, it was a, what seemed to be, stronghold with a huge tree in it and the buildings woven around it.

This sentence could probably be broken down into two sentences, with the period being placed after 'Raven flew to the first place he found.'

quote:

Lucky for him, he was not a human anymore, so he can sleep anywhere he want and the cover of leaves around a branch would do nicely.

A personal opinion, but I would probably have written 'Luckily for him...' as that seems to flow better to my mind. And you seemed to have switched tenses mid-sentence. From past to present and then back to past. I would probably change the 'so he can sleep anwhere he wants' 'so he could sleep anywhere he wanted.'

That should do it. If I find anything new when I read it again, I'll be sure to let you know.

Post #: 38

6/19/2012 3:40:38

Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!

quote:

quote:

So what could a red dragon be doing out here in the middle of nowhere since he was a bit too far from the clan's base to link the dragon with the clan.

This sentence doesn't make much sense to me. Why would Therril think that the dragon had something to do with the Beacons? It sounds like you're trying to connect the two when in reality they are two seperate things.

I didn't try to link the Beacons with the dragon really. I merely wrote Raven his thoughts when he saw the dragon. Since dragons are not such a common sight to him, he tried to think of an explanation.
But he came with none

And yes, cursed tenses, I try watching it but sometimes they slip past *glares*

quote:

quote:

He is just a cursed child no?

And again you switch tenses (from past to present). Typically, I believe this sentence would be written 'He was just a cursed child, right?' but I could be wrong. Just an opinion.

Here it should be present tense since it is what he is thinking. And thoughts are in present tense then right? At least in this case.

AQW

Post #: 39

6/19/2012 4:39:27

Glais
Member

quote:

Seeing as Raven could never follow that dragon let alone unnoticed

Just saying, I doubt anyone would notice a bird following them, especially something as large as a Dragon. I mean, I'd hardly notice a Bee following me, if you take the size difference into account. Heck, I wouldn't even notice a bird and I'm a lot smaller than a Dragon.

And so the main DF plot begins...

Post #: 40

6/19/2012 5:12:59

Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!

You make a point there glai. Then again, Raven is still 12 years old

(does that mean I think like a 12 year old?

)

Anyway, yes the DF mainstoryline is in it. I try to stick to the facts of DF as close as possible, though some things like time stretches might not be completely to it. Because by the time the DF chapter 1 finishes, Raven should be around 18 years old. And some things like what you read in chapter 7 where the situation changes depending on Therril/Raven's situation.

AQW

Post #: 41

6/19/2012 5:23:33

Glais
Member

quote:

though some things like time stretches might not be completely to it.

Well, DF's time isn't really consistent. It's been out for 5 years, but I've heard the plot is meant to happen over 1 year.

Personally, I take it as 5 years myself, despite the fact that that doesn't work in certain cases (The Final 13th War obviously happens over a few days instead of weeks for example).

Post #: 42

6/22/2012 2:21:32

Gingkage
Wolf Rider

Small UBI for you to use or discard as you like, but my rp character (the one I never use, lol) does actually have a wolf. If you feel like using it, then fine, if not, well, that's fine, too. But it could always be an amusing 'Raven stayed far away from the wolf next to Gingkage to avoid becomming its next meal' thing. :P

Post #: 43

6/22/2012 2:59:41

Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!

oh I will use that idea for sure Gingkage. Your character will get more "character" later on

AQW

Post #: 44

6/22/2012 14:53:37

Gingkage
Wolf Rider

Got it. Just thought I'd mention the wolf since I almost never rp with him. If you need information, just ask.

Post #: 45

3/7/2013 16:15:19

Gingkage
Wolf Rider

There's a minor inconsistency between your last two chapters. In one chapter, you say that Therril doesn't follow the dragon because he's certain he wouldn't be able to without being noticed. Yet in the very next one, he follows Lady Celestia because "there is nothing special about birds". It's a tad inconsistent because you go from him thinking he's easily noticed and then, with seemingly no cause, changing that mindset.

Post #: 46

3/9/2013 16:10:36

Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!

Well Therril is still young and a dragon is seen as very imposant, smart and strong. While he didn't thin that a human would spot him as quickly in the woods.
Plus he is more curious about the woman then about the dragon since she had a ride from a dragon.

I can see why you say there is an inconsticy, yet the mind of a young boy can be easily tricked.
Small woman or big dragon. His choice was quickly made.

AQW

Post #: 47

3/10/2013 7:34:21

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

Oh Therril, why did you post so many chapters and not a single mention of it here?

quote:

And why do people keep saying he has a lot to do?

did

quote:

He is just a cursed child<> no?

was, ,

quote:

By the time he wakes up, he can see it is getting dark.

woke, could

quote:

Lucky for him, he was not a human anymore, so he can sleep anywhere he wanted and the cover of leaves around a branch would do nicely.

could

quote:

As Raven slowely woke up, he heard something he hasn't heard in quite a while now.

slowly, hadn't

quote:

The sound of metal scraping against each other, blades clashing together with an environment tense yet relaxed.

What do you mean to say here?

quote:

He hasn't heared that ever since he fled from the battletower.

hadn't heard

quote:

Nostalgic as Raven is, he kind off missed it.

was, of

quote:

Out of curiosity Raven started looking from where the sound was comming.

coming

quote:

After looking for a short while, Raven notices he wasn't in just an ordinary tree.

noticed

quote:

The giant oak seems to be in the middle of what seems a small fortress.

seemed

quote:

Raven wondered how he could miss the huge walls though admitted, he was sleepy after yesterday's skirmish and just took a tree that he liked.

have missede, admittedly

Here's the thing. In chapter 7 he already noticed it was a stronghold. Something which DOES surprise me is how he fails to notice in broad daylight how the tree is part of the keep.

quote:

Now he only has wings. Pretty ironic for kids always dream to have wings so they could fly high in the air.

had, as, sky

quote:

All this wondering made him remember again what his goal currently is. To find out what is going on around him.

was

quote:

To find out why he is a bird, why people keep saying he is special and most importantly, what this curse is he has on him.

became(?), was, was, had

quote:

Untill now, Raven never really thought about it all.

Till/Until

quote:

Untill now, Raven always had something else on his mind but now that he sees a glimp of his not so old past, he remembers what he wants.

Till/Until, saw, recent (sounds better in my opinion), remembered, really wanted

I'll continue with my corrections later.

AQW

Post #: 48

3/10/2013 8:25:14

Therril Oreb
Legendary AdventureGuide!

quote:

quote:

The sound of metal scraping against each other, blades clashing together with an environment tense yet relaxed.

What do you mean to say here?

I mean that the air is tense because of the knights training but also relaxed since it is training and they are all in a good mood and such :p

quote:

Here's the thing. In chapter 7 he already noticed it was a stronghold. Something which DOES surprise me is how he fails to notice in broad daylight how the tree is part of the keep.

If you read again, you will see the following:

quote:

It was a, what seemed to be, stronghold with a huge tree in it and the buildings woven around it.

So he did notice it, but Therril never took the time to further think about it for he was rather quickly distracted by something else.

thank you Dwelling, corrections are made so far. Sorry for being so horrid in grammar XD
and sorry for not saying anything, I was suddenly in a writing frenzy

I'll warn you next time

AQW

Post #: 49

3/10/2013 11:36:52

Gingkage
Wolf Rider

@Dwelling: With the training, he means the atmosphere.
@Therril: Well, looks like Dwelling beat me this time. :P But before I go and play catch up to what he couldn't get to, tenses, tenses, tenses. This cannot be stressed enough. Now to go and critique!

Post #: 50

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