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Gingkage -> RE: The legacy of Therril Oreb discussion (6/1/2012 2:03:59)
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Okay, you asked for a critique, so I'm going to give the best one I can. *looks determined* Since it makes the most sense to start at the beginning and work my way through the chapters, that's exactly what I'll do. As a note, any time I say 'this is just an opinion' or 'I would have phrased this *insert how I would phrase something*' I'm merely giving an opinion that you by no means have to take. Corrections will, hopefully, all have an asterik in front of them.
Chapter 1:
Like Glaisaurus_x said, when multiple people are speaking, every new speaker gets his or her own paragraph.
quote:
A night where evil and vile creatures lurk on the innocent and where the weak are being devoured by the strong.
Just an opinion (I give lots of those), but I think 'A night where evil and vile creatures prey on the innocent and the weak are devoured by the strong' flows better.
quote:
Still, a shadow runs through the darkovia forest.
*Darkovia, you're talking about a place, which means that it gets a capital letter.
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"I love you, but there is no other way. this hurts me more then..."
I'm not positive, but I think that it should be *than (can a smart person grammar-wise confirm or deny this?).
Therril's mother seems very... alive, for lack of a better word, despite a spear having just run through her. It would make more sense, I think, if it went through her arm, or struck her upside the head instead of piercing her chest.
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The woman could only grin by the thought.
*at, not by.
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its all peacefull and lovely here.
*It's always peaceful
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What is it doing here anyway.
There should be a question mark instead of a period. Also, this entire scene with the 'light orb' as you describe it, is odd. He seems to go from annoyed to worried.
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But it could not be wiped of, nor is it having a relief of any kind.
I would probably have phrased it 'But it could not be whiped *off, nor was there any relief as he tried to remove it.' Kudos to you for using the word 'relief' by the way. :D
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but if i bring it to Keelia, perhaps i am relieved early of my duty
In both cases, the 'I' should be capitalized.
Chapter 2
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"I'm comming madame."
*coming
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"But i hate cleaning. i want to learn how to fight like Master Greydawn, or Palladin Artix."
Again, the 'I's should be capitalized, and 'Paladin' is spelled with one 'l' not, two.
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For as long as he knew, he had that curse mark on him. Everyone said his family was cursed and that he bears the curse now since he is probably the only one left. Found in a forest near sunbreeze grove. That is all they told him about his past.
These sentences seem odd to me. Why do they all assume that he has a curse mark on him? Are birthmarks so uncommon? Also, how is so much known about Therril's family if he is indeed the last one left as they assume he is? You say that all he had been told about his past was that he had been found in a forest near *Sunbreeze Grove, which implies that everyone there knows who his family is. Which means that they would either know that he isn't cursed, in which case they wouldn't assume he was, or know that he is and either be killed for this curse, left to die in the wildnerness, or someone of extraordinary magic would be asked to remove the curse.
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Therril ran towards where eric stood.
*Eric and I probably would have said 'had been standing' instead of 'stood.'
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"You were right open, this is not how a fighter would behave, boy."
Again, an opinion, but I would have phrased it 'wide open' or 'right in the open'
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The next moment eric appeared againbehind Therril and gave him a little push.
*again behind, though I would probably take out the 'again' and have it read 'The next moment, *Eric appeared behind Therril and gave him a little push.'
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"If you are not, then why are you here? oh i see. you are one of the cleaners here. good, this place could use some cleaning as you can see."
*Oh I see. *You are one of the cleaners here. *Good. Also, why is Eric being so mean?
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Suddenly something poofed in Therril's mind
I think it flows better as 'Suddenly, a thought occurred to Therril'
quote:
"TRAIN ME KENSAI! teach me how to fight. i want to become strong, fight evil and be a hero to Lore!" said Therril before he knew what he said. Eric lifted an eyebrow, "i decline. You are unconfident, and only seek glory. You do not fight for others but for yourself. This is not the way a fighter should be." Therril was shocked, this might be his only chance to show what he is made of and it was so easily declined. " Kensai i beg of you, show me the way of the sword. Show me how i should be, show me what i must do. I humbly ask for your tutoring." Eric had to chuckle " My wife will not believe it if I told her. Very well, i will try something with you, and if it works out, i will tutor you. Though i can only stay for a few weeks and not everyday i will be here."
You need to capitalize the 'I's when they are by themselves (not part of another word). Also this section reads oddly. Why was Eric so easily persuaded to train Therril after he had already said that he would not? Is it possible that you could to into a little more detail on the thought process behind this sudden change of mind?
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Therril gets training from Eric, both in swordfighting as in how to behave.
*and in how to behave. I would probably have written it 'Therril is trained by Eric both in swordfighting and in how to behave.'
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Therril couldn't help but eavesdropping on the door.
I think it reads better as 'Therril couldn't help but eavesdrop on the conversation.'
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There was only 1 thing he could do then.
It's generaly seen to be in bad taste to not write out numerical values, so I would change the '1' to 'one.'
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Therril walked to the armoury, took a longsword with him. Went to the exit, grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the flying tower.
These sentences don't flow very well. I would phrase them as 'Therril walked to the armory and grabbed a longsword. He then walked to the exit, grabbing a parachute on the way, and jumped out of the tower.' Towers don't usually fly, so I removed that part. :P Also, how is it that no one notices him stealing a weapon and a parachute? Is it that all the guards are sleeping on the job (not very likely, but possible)? Or did he know their routes and timed his actions so that he avoided them? The second option assumes that their are patrols, and both of course assume that there are indeed guards present. I would go into detail explaining how no one noticed him leaving with the stolen items. Also, I'm not sure if armory has a 'u' in it or not, since I'm not sure which spelling you're using, the one from America or the one Helixi and Alanna use.
Chapter Three:
quote:
As he floated down, he saw something shiney. It was coming right at him. Before he could react, as if Therril could do something about it, it went right through his parachute.
I would probably have phrased it 'As he floated down, he saw something shiny coming directly at him. Before he had time to react, even though he could not have done anything, it went through his paracute.' I think it flows better.
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If it weren't for the trees in the forrest
*forest
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it was dark, no way to orientate himself nor does he know how to hunt
I would probably say 'it was dark, he had no way to orient himself, and he had no idea how to hunt'
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He had no answers to his questions. So he started to wander around, not knowing what to do or where to go.
I think that these sentences would flow better if they were combined.
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After what seemed like hours, he found an open spot, fitting to make something the should look like a camp.
*that, not 'the'
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The next day, therril woke up.
*Therril (never thought I'd see you misspell you're own name. :P)
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Dazed for he always was accustomed to a bed instead of the bare ground. Therril sat, and tried to collect his thoughts.
Again, I think that these would flow better if they were combined into one sentence.
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He walked for hours, he hasn't ate since yesterday's dinner, so his stomach made clear it needed food.
*Eaten fits better than 'ate'
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It quickly went dark again, he walked the whole day and hasn't heard a single voice or saw a single thing closely related to inhabitants, people or whatsoever.
*It quickly became dark probably fits better than 'it quickly went dark again. This is me ranting a little, but it's a bit of a pet peeve when people use many words where a few would suffice. I would probably make this sentence two sentences and phrase it as 'It quickly became dark. He had walked the entire day and hadn't seen or heard anything closely related to people.' As a side note, 'inhabitants' and 'people' are synonyms.
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It was hard because he was hungry. But he was tired as well so he fell asleep soon enough.
The way these sentences are currently, they contradict each other, making them inconsistant. I would write it either as 'It was hard because he was hungry, but exhaustion won out over hunger and he fell asleep within a few minutes' or 'He thought it would be difficult to fall asleep because he was hungry, but because of how tired he was, he fell asleep sooner than he imagined he would.' That way you still mention his hunger, but you don't have the contradiction of it being hard to fall asleep and him falling asleep quickly.
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A new day, a new chance to meet someone.
I might make this the start of a new paragraph, but that's a personal opinion.
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Maibe he found a magic tower or something.
*Maybe
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isn't he just a human that has been cursed long ago?
*Isn't. And since you are referring to something from the past, 'has' should be *had
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When he looked at the brand on him he suddenly noticed something he didn't notice before. It has a form. First it always a weird random figure. Not really making sense. Now it looks like a bird somehow.
This just doesn't make sense to me. How does he go for 12 years and not notice that the birthmark had a defined shape? Is it possible you could explain this so that it makes sense that he never noticed that it was more than just a blob (for lack of a better word)?
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expecting a rabbit in thorns mouth, enough for 2 people to eat on, he would never expect this. Thorn came back with something looking like a bull.
Assuming you leave it as is, 'expecting' should be capitalized, and 'expect' should be 'expected' and *Thorn's. Though personally, I think that 'Therril expected Thorn to return with a rabbit, large enough for two people to eat. Instead he came back with something that looked like a bull.' flows better.
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"So what am i?
*I
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"I shall not, nor can i tell you.
*I
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"What did i do? stop it, no what is happening?"
*I *Stop
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Therril fainted out of pain.
I would add the word 'eventually' to the beginning of the sentence. Or directly after your name. I say this because the previous sentences make it seem as if the ordeal is lasting for quite a few minutes, and the word 'eventually' in my mind, keeps that feeling of pain lasting for a while. Just an opinion, though.
Chapter 4:
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Darkness, pain. Nothing else could came into Therril's mind.
I would break the first sentence into two sentences (an opinion), and 'came' should be *come. That or you need to remove the word 'could' making 'came' the correct word there.
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Suprised he tried to stand up, only to notice he has no arms. only wings?
*Only (I quoted more than I needed to so that you could find it easily)
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Therril started to panick.
*panic
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The message said:"He is what was said in book 342. He might be usefull, teach him what is needed."
Messages don't usually talk, so 'said' should be *read (unless of course, this is actually a very special message with it's own voice, in which case 'said' is correct). Also this is a fairly minor detail, but things that are written out, such as notes or journal entries, in stories, tend to be italicized. And I'm assuming you're going to mention what this 'book 342' is in the future. I can't be certain since you only mentioned it in passing, but 'book' might need to be capitialized. It depends on the context, and there isn't much to go off of at the moment.
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Holding Therril very thightly he walked to what seemed his house.
*seemed to be
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But the house seems to be a giant fish as well,
*seemed
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Meanwhile, Therril started to look around, not that there was much to see but fishes, fishes and a lot of fishes.
I would change 'and a lot of' to 'and more.' Also, the plural of 'fish' is 'fish' not 'fishes.'
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Therril still Didn't understand.
*didn't
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"Man, im a fishmonger, how could i teach a bird.
*I'm, *I and the sentence should end with a question mark.
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And he didn't even told me the name of you little one.
It should either read 'And he didn't even tell me your name' or 'And he never told me your name.'
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"Well then, better learn you how to fly then
It should either read 'Well then, better teach you how to fly' or 'Well then, better learn how to fly' the second 'then' is redundant, so I didn't include it in the corrected versions.
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luckily there are Flying fishes as well so you should help in some way don't you think?"
I'm note sure that 'Flying' needs to be capitalized here.
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Sooner said then done
The phrase is actually 'Easier said than done' but you were close.
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At first it didn't work, because Raven couldn't hold his balance.
Do you mean 'because Raven couldn't *keep his balance'?
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Raven was able to hold his balance and to slowely glide down on the ground.
Again, do you mean *keep? And it's spelled *slowly, there's no 'e.'
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Since it has been a long painfull day, Chisagen decided to call it a day.
'has' should be *had
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Raven still found it difficult to sleep as a bird. For years he has been a human
Again, 'has' should be *had
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Now he is a bird Forced to sleep while intracting his legs somewhow
You either need a period after 'bird' or to not make the word 'forced' capitalized.
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"Well i cannot tell you everything for certain reasons i cannot tell either, but i can say this.
All of your 'I's should be capitalized. Hey, that rhymes. If it helps you to remember it, then just think of the rhyme.
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"but it had to be faith.
I think you mean *fate, not 'faith' but I can't be certain.
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You my friend, have capabilities beyond the normal fighter you wanted to be.
This is a little inconsistent. How does Chisagen know that Therril wanted to be a fighter? At this point, Therril is unable to talk (Can ravens really talk like we can? That's so cool!), so he could not have told Chisagen that that was his dream. Is it possible that you can explain this further?
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A clan? destiny? capabilities? under normal circumstances, Raven would laugh with it.
Every word after a question mark needs to be capitalized.
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"Well, good night Raven. Tomorrow a new day. You will learn how to fly. As soon as you can, I will make you meet the clan."
'Tomorrow is a new day' or 'Tomorrow's a new day' flows better than 'Tomorrow a new day.' Also, why is Chisagen making Therril meet the clan? Or did you mean 'I will take you to meet the clan'?
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Just to get used to it, then we will try the steering in gliding and the landing.
I think you mean 'steering *and gliding and landing.'
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And Therril, now Raven, always keeps his promisses.
*promises
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Ok Raven, we can do everything exept flying.
This is a minor detail, but 'ok' is typically spelled *okay and you also misspelled *except (I'm not the greatest speller, either, so don't feel bad about the mistakes.)
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Raven Nodded and went for it.
'Nodded' shouldn't be capitalized.
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but when dusk was about to fall, he did it.
Since it's the beginning of a sentence *but should be capitalized.
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Oh wait i forgot to tell you.
*I
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The clan exists out of 2 buildings.
This sentence works as is, but I think that 'The clan consists of two buildings' flows better. But the only change you really need to make here is to write out the word 'two.'
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But im sure you will manage untill you are accepted in the clan."
*I'm
Chapter Five
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A raven is a smart animal so it can talk if learned so
*taught to not 'learned so.' You were really close, though.
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When the pair arived at the clan's castle, Raven was struck in awe.
I think you mean 'struck with awe' or 'awestruck.' Though the way you have it now works, too.
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There was this huge tower that was just shining pure tensity, pure strength it would take the willpower of a higher being to not fall to your knees for it.
Do you mean 'intensity'?
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Oh and I am Lady Greydawn, Eric's wife, nie to meet you."
*nice
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Raven was shocked when he heared that. Though he heared that Eric was married, he never knew who she was.
Both times, 'heared' should be *heard
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He didn't had much time to think about the beacons though, he was jsut too tired from everything to think in fact. The darkness slowely took over and dreams and thoughts filled his mind as he was resting.
You should probably capatalize 'Beacons' as you're referring to the clan itself, but I'm not certain of that. The corrections I am sure of though, are these: *didn't have *just *slowly. I'm assuming that by 'dreams and thoughts filled his mind as he was resting' you're using it as a transition to the filler chapter, but it still seems a bit... rough, for lack of a better word. Is it possible that you can smooth it out a little by mentioning that he was dreaming of the past?
Filler One (I'm not sure you need to point out that it's a filler, lol).
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While putting his clothes on, which went very slowely already
*slowly
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But she couldn't refuse when they threatened her to kick her out of the tower if she still refuses to.
'refuses' should be *refused
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A place he never was allowed into because he could only run in the way.
*get in the way, not run in the way. Very close, though.
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The kitchen was wel ten times as big as his sleeproom where 10 other people sleep.
*Well, not 'well' but I think that 'easily ten times bigger' is a better fit. Your version works too, though.
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Like ants everyone was scurrying around. asking for knives, ingredients and who knows what else.
No correction, here. Just wanted to say that I love the imagery of the kitchen workers scurrying around like ants.
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Being lazy certainly won't be a usefull trait in that chaotic mess.
*useful You were close.
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A fat man man, with a moustache thicker then his eyebrowns, came walking towards them.
*eyebrows
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Therril could have sworn that the ground was shaking wit every step that man took. And he is the cheff here, Therril had to replace the assistant of the cheff.
*with and you misspelled *chef twice.
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Come kiddo, betetr make you usefull while you are here. AZAM!!"
*better As a side note, what's with the chef yelling all those odd words? Is it simply meant to be humorous (which it is), or is there a reason behind it?
Filler Part Two:
quote:
As my assistent you have to be quick and be able to do exactly as i say. If you can't do that, then this will be the last time you ever ate in your life. KAAT!"
*I, *eat
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We wasted to much time already. GYUH!"
This is a minor detail, but it's actually *too and not 'to.'
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Everytime he screw up, he barely gets filleted or skinned.
*screwed. And I think you mean 'barely avoids getting filleted or skinned' or 'nearly gets filleted or skinned.'
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Only twice in the day he had 5 minutes pause to eat something very quickly.
Again, I would write out the number five.
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"WAKE UP YOULAZY PANTS!"
*YOU LAZY
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Getting yelled out of bed, barely getting killed by the chef and a full day of work.
Again, I think you mean 'barely avoiding getting killed' or 'nearly getting killed.'
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The 6th day was no different day.
Again, I would spell out 'sixth' and the second 'day' is redundant, though you don't have to remove it.
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Then, as send by the gods themselves, the door swung open.
I think you mean 'as if sent by the gods themselves.'
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"What in blazes is going on. By the scorching fires of the oven and the freezing ice subes of the fridge.
There should be a question mark after 'on' and you mean *ice cubes.
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well, now you are my assistant, hop to it."
*Well
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Therril for once stayd.
*stayed
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I normaly would stay in bed untill tomorow, but after that i saw that our chef was knocked out, i had to come.
The 'I' should be capitalized, and this is a confusing sentence. How did the assistant see the chef get knocked out if he was in bed? Is his room at a place where he could clearly see it happen?
quote:
"Where doy ou think you are going?
*do you Lots of people make that mistake.
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Perhaps time will tell.
*would not 'will'
As a last little bit of critiquing that couldn't go in any one chapter as it's a problem throughout, you have a habit of switching from past tense to present tense as you write. Try to avoid doing that and stick with just one tense instead of jumping around. If you need an example of this, let me know and I'll find one for you. Also, try to be aware of where commas should be placed.
Overall, this is a really good story. Most of your mistakes are because English isn't your first language and you've done an amazing job of mastering it. Again, the opinions I gave are just that, opinions. Use them or don't use them as you see fit. I hope I've helped and I look forward to the next chapter. I hope I didn't come on too harshly or too over-bearing in my opinions.
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