Gingkage
Wolf Rider
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Well, I'm lazy so I'm getting to this hours later than I said I would. *sheepish grin* But, here goes.
Chapter 8:
quote:
After staring fascinated at the sparring and training of the knights, and the occasional prank they pull on each other,
*pulled
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As she left the keep, 2 knights accompany her to the forest. While they travel, they come accross a few bandits, then a weird blue version of the red thing that was with the woman that woke a bear up and then something else...
*two, accompanied; traveled, came, across (really close, though)
This section seems really rushed to me. What happened with the bandits? How did they kill the bear? What did they do to Zorbak after he woke up the bear? Assuming that the 'something else' was the Hydra, how did Therril see it while he was still hanging back? More importantly, how did he see it before it burst through the bridge? If it wasn't, than what was your mysterious 'something else'? A few details could change a fairly plain paragraph into something that keeps people interested. I get that you wanted to focus on the battle with the hydra, but glazing over these battles, in my opinion, detracts from the story ever so slightly.
quote:
The knights fiercely charge at the beast.
*charged
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They quickly dispatched of it but as soon as it fell, 3 more heads appeared one which seemed bigger then the others. once more the knights swung their swords at the serpents but this time the creature was prepared and managed to grab one of the knights in its jaws.
I would remove the 'of' from the first sentence, but that's a personal preference, *three, one of which, Once more
quote:
The other knight quickly jumped back and took a better look at its foes. He took his helmet and gloves off and Raven saw rather quickly a weird symbol on the back of his hand.
Was this intentional? First the knight is called 'it' and then you call him a 'he.' Assuming you did this because you did not know his gender at first, in general, an unknown gender is referred to as a 'he,' making it 'The other knight quickly jumped back and took a better look at his foes.' Or alternatively, you could use 'his or her' making it' The other knight quickly jumped back and took a better look at his or her foes.'
quote:
The other quickly responded:"I made sure the blast couldn't really hurt you.
The colon should be replaced by a comma.
quote:
But I wanted to deal with them quickly before you were any further then behind his teeth."
*than
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"The hydra became the repaired part of the bridge it broke himself." Pointed the charred knight out, half laughing, half relieved.
There should be a comma between the final word of the quote and the closing quotation mark, *pointed. 'Pointed the charred knight out' reads oddly to me. It would flow better in my mind if it read 'the charred knight pointed out'.
quote:
"The path is clear, Falconreach is just beyond this bridge milady."
There should be a comma between 'bridge' and 'milady'.
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"Thank you both, brave knights for your support. I am sorry to have made this such a difficult journey for you both." Answered the woman. They moved on with Raven right behind them.
Again, comma between the last word of the quote and the closing quotation mark. It would read more easily to me if 'answered the woman' was changed to 'the woman answered.' I'm fairly certain that there should be a comma between 'on' and 'with' in the last sentence in the quote.
quote:
The only thing that you saw quickly was a big tower with a bird on top of it.
With few exceptions, you don't want to directly address your reader. It jars the flow and removes you from the story. One of the few exceptions is in 'pick your own' types of stories, but this isn't one of those. It's even more jarring as this is the first time that you've directly addressed the reader. I would change it to 'The only distinguishable feature was a large tower with the statue of a bird on top of it.' Or to change it as little as possible, 'The only thing quickly seen was a big tower with a bird on top of it.'
quote:
Raven started to panick.
*panic
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After speaking some courage into himself, Raven flew and landed on the knight's table. The knight looked curious at him.
I think the phrase in the first sentence is more commonly seen as 'After working up some courage, Raven flew and landed on the knight's table.' But that doesn't necessarily need changed. In the second sentence, 'curious' should be 'curiously.'
quote:
"Yes I am a bird, a raven to be more exact." Said Raven.
*"Yes I am a bird, a raven to be more exact," said Raven.
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The knight frowns and says: "Greetings raven. With what do I earn the greetings of a bird like you?"
*frowned, said,
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Raven sure was suprised, didn't expect anyone to greet him so casually since he was, well... a bird.
*surprised, he didn't expect. I don't think that the 'sure' is needed in this sentence. I would remove it, leaving the sentence as 'Raven was surprised,...' but that's optional.
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"I saw you fight against that thing you called a Hydra. I was impressed. You ended it with one blast of what I think was lightning. Do you by any chance know more about magic? Like curses? Or perhaps transformation magic?"
Why wouldn't Raven be certain that it was lightening he saw? Has he never been in a thunderstorm to have never seen lightening before?
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But where are my manners, my name is Faerdin. Rune knight and loyal knight of the king."
Personal preference, but I would change it to 'But where are my manners? My name is Faerdin."
quote:
Faerdin continued smiling and simply answers: "Sure, what can I help you with? You look quite normal to me unless of course being a bird is not how you normally are."
Colon should be replaced with a comma, *answered
quote:
If Raven didn't know better, he would laugh outloud.
*out loud, I think it reads better as 'he would have laughed out loud' but that's just a personal preference.
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Perhaps I saw a lot of runaways like yours but then a bit less... overdone....Perhaps you are born with the gift of transformation and did the hooded person you came across with try to make that clear to you."
I have no idea what you're trying to say here.
quote:
He wanted to be a soldier, if he wanted to be a scholar or a magician, he would have been into books and not into swords and athletics.
I think it might read better as 'if he had wanted to be a scholar or magician...'
quote:
Faerdin continued: "We can look into what you are or have tomorow. I know a few places where we might get more information for you. But it is getting late so let us have a good night sleep first ok?"
Replace the colon with a comma, *tomorrow, *okay
quote:
His childish brain has had enough for today and quickly fell asleep.
I think you should put the word 'he' before the last three words. Otherwise your only having the brain fall asleep, when really you're saying that Therril was the one who did.
Chapter 9:
Overall, this chapter is strange to read. You keep jumping from past tense to present in a somewhat jarring way. Here are some of the things that I saw, though.
quote:
Three dark individuals creep over the hallway.
Do you mean 'crept into the hallway'?
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"Most definatly. I overheard them talking. There is no doubt. He has returned just like was foretold.
*definitely, 'He has returned, just like it was foretold./He has returned, just as it was foretold.' Those are two of the ways I can think of that I would change the sentence to, but those are optional. I am, however, fairly certain that the last sentence would make more sense with the addition of the word 'it' between the words 'like' and 'was.'
quote:
The two other individuals nod in agreement and continue towards the sleephall where Faerdin and Raven sleep.
I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'sleephall' but 'sleep' should probably be 'slept.'
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One of them sneaks inside the room while the other two stand guard in front in case anyone sees them.
*sneaked, stood
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Once in front of the bed, the masked person gives a short hit on where Raven's neck most likely is and paralyzes him before he could even make a single noise.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.
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Cursing, Faerdin finnishes the fight quickly wel a quick blast of lightning.
*finished, with
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Suddenly out of nowhere, a red headed person yells: "FOR FISH AND FOR TEH LULZ!"
Comma, not a colon.
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The place was filled with the weirdest of things. The guards looked the most normal here. You had weird winged creatures, horses inside, you could hear battlecries from behind a door. No doubt this had to be a place with great magic.
Minus the gryphons, I'm not seeing any obvious connection to magic. How is Therril making this connection?
I will save chapter ten for another day (unless I get beaten to it).
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