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RE: (HS) Trials of Morality Discussion

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10/21/2011 22:29:13   
Vector
Member
 

 i think you mean Cerebus Syndrome, and i still had to look it up ^^;
Post #: 226
10/21/2011 22:39:49   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


 Starts out just like the other...

... Plan to kill all the villains, check...

1337 speak words of Uber, which you haven't done in quite a while, check.

Very nice. Somewhat sad, considering I don't condone suicide, along with the fact that it was over an active volcano which wa under the city, and that could lead to its volcanic destruction, but poetic in a tragic, Shakespearian way...
DF  Post #: 227
10/21/2011 23:17:54   
Vector
Member
 

 now that you mention it, i plan on using the |_3375|O34|< \/\/0|2|)5 0|= (_)|33|2 (which, admittedly, i had to use this translator for help) in the sequel later on

< Message edited by Vector -- 10/22/2011 14:50:30 >
Post #: 228
10/21/2011 23:37:27   
Crystal Lion
Member
 

 Simplistic writing, but I felt sorry for Psi in the bad ending.

Do cyborgs have souls? Probably a foolish question, since he'd presumably end up in Death's lair, for good...
Post #: 229
10/21/2011 23:44:13   
Vector
Member
 

 as would Demo, actually. if Psi did, at least he'd be able to be with her again... and give that gravewalker a piece of his mind.

EDIT: don't forget to check my sequel :P

< Message edited by Vector -- 10/21/2011 23:45:47 >
Post #: 230
10/21/2011 23:54:43   
Crystal Lion
Member
 

 Koschei* is certainly as mean as mean can be in your tale. And Koschei probably can't kill Psi again, since only the cyborg's spirit would be left.

I did check your sequel. Seems Joe saved a catgirl.

*The Grim Reaper was Koschei the Deathless in my story, after he got beat up by the previous reaper.
Post #: 231
10/22/2011 0:10:29   
Vector
Member
 

 mind you, if you forgot, the bad ending is thankfully not part of the plot, but don't expect Koschei the Deathless to rest in peace after that last failed attempt... Psi probably would force him to rest in pieces
Post #: 232
10/22/2011 0:17:31   
Crystal Lion
Member
 

 I know the bad ending is not part of your plot. And now Psi's spirit will certainly make Koschei into itty bitty pieces, after breaking his spirit-needle up.
Post #: 233
10/22/2011 12:03:51   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


 Then again, Death probably has more power over dead people that living ones... and why did you put 2 w's in your 1337iness? Typo?
DF  Post #: 234
10/22/2011 13:09:13   
Vector
Member
 

 nope. those are back and forward slashes that the leet translator gave me. not exactly perfect but it's the best one i know of.
Post #: 235
10/22/2011 14:18:19   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


 Yes, I realize those were forward and back slashes, but it equates to 1 letter too many for the message you had.
DF  Post #: 236
10/22/2011 14:28:35   
Vector
Member
 

 like i said, it aint perfect, but it does help a bit

EDIT: fixed it, i'll have to look out next time ^^;

< Message edited by Vector -- 10/22/2011 14:51:04 >
Post #: 237
1/22/2012 3:11:11   
Jessa K
Member
 

 Aright, this time I'm gonna write comments down as soon as they come to mind, while I am still reading.

Huh, interesting writing style. Seems a bit lacking as far as scenery and character description at times, but that's okay.

That's really weird, that she (Demo) would just open to a complete- and evil -stranger like that. I don't think any girl would do that in real life, unless there is done sort of reason for it later in the story.

I don't get it. If its just the flu, why did she need so much money? I don't think a visit to a 'doctor' who doesn't have his medical license and is a friend would cost much, if any money at all.

You switch tenses- says/said, go/going, etc -quite a bit, and it's rather confusing.

Aha, I knew that it wouldn't cost anything.

Oh yeah, the creepy scythe-wielding guy. That whole chapter where he first appeared was really weird.

Death really doesn't seem like the type of person to laugh... He doesn't seem like a person at all, actually.

You know, any girl who knows anything about makeup knows that nobody looks good with a lot of eyeliner, so you might wanna change that. Then again, it is fairly amusing.

Oh my gosh, chapter 13 is SO awkward. Again, Demo's feelings and reactions don't seem to match up with that of a normal girl.

A kiss? Are you kidding? What is this, a romance? My apologies for saying this, but that might be the most unromantic first kiss I've ever read. I mean, I can see you tried, but I think it just doesn't work.

I wonder how you pronounce Psi...

Did he really just call her 'hon'? *facepalm*

More description for the monsters could be given. Not all of us have done the missions, you know.

Not again with the 'hon'... *deletes not very nice comment*

I wonder what the mysterious being is. *winces as 'hon' is used again*

Dragon tatoo and sunglasses! I know who the mysterious person is!

Ah, I've gotta love the Kevlar vest.

His tried and true girlfriend? They've known each other for what, a week?

Rump-fed chicken? That's interesting...

You spend an awful lot of time going on about how mech you need Demo and you can't live without her and blahblahblah

Good, a happy ending.


Pretty good overall, your tenses and details need a bit of work, but other than that nice.

EDIT: whoa, Drak-sized post. Aaaaand it's past midnight. G'night!

< Message edited by Jessa K -- 1/22/2012 3:12:38 >
AQW  Post #: 238
1/22/2012 10:12:38   
Vector
Member
 

 this was my very first story, actually, so there's bound to be errors anyway. hopefully i can get to fix those and explain more after i'm... eh, more confident in what abilities i have but now you know just how flawed i was back then.... ^^;

oh, and about all those romantic-based comments, both of them were rather desperate for help (for psi, at least to keep him from... getting worse) and again, i was pretty... how should i say this, rough around the edges.
put simply, though, demo wasn't quite the same after the park war/battle, or whatever you want to call it. i started playing the game AFTER the park mess was over, so i didn't really know much... sorry!

EDIT: *laughs* that wasn't even half of a Drak-sized post, but i see what you mean, jessa. i'm still gonna keep this as it is, but... think of it how goldstein kept his old med license story and made a seperate thread for his revised version that looks nothing like the original, if you would.

< Message edited by Vector -- 1/22/2012 10:16:01 >
Post #: 239
1/22/2012 12:34:19   
Jessa K
Member
 

 Yeah, a nice revision always does a story good, although the change doesn't have to be as drastic as Medical License was.

I think I know something that might help you out. Go read a girl's book. The kind that just follows a girl in her life. They usually have at least some romance in them, and I think it might be helpful for you.
AQW  Post #: 240
1/22/2012 12:38:38   
Vector
Member
 

 as helpful as that really is, that is not something i'd like to do in front of everyone. i'd get plenty of wierd looks XD
any suggestions on that while i look?
Post #: 241
1/22/2012 13:37:00   
Goldstein
Member

HEY! Drastic is good. Maybe the new one could have Experimental...go to the MOON! YEAH! SPAAAACE!

Anyway, I do agree with Jessa's comments. I didn't want to say anything, but the use of hon is a bit cringe-worthy.
Post #: 242
1/22/2012 13:43:58   
Vector
Member
 

 drastic is good because you knew how to make it work, goldy! i might mess it up and make people go, 'wait, what?' since i still have to improve on a few things

ye old reaper will change though, i'll say that much. he still won't like the pairing, but... well, i'm not sure how i will change him at this point, but that's not for a while

EDIT: wow... O.o look at the time you posted your comment, goldstein

< Message edited by Vector -- 1/22/2012 13:46:29 >
Post #: 243
1/22/2012 13:46:42   
Goldstein
Member

May I make a suggestion? Death is a big scary guy. The more you know about a person, the less scary that person is. You have to let the reader's imagination run wild. Have communication be conducted through a minion, or have the sky turn dark and have Death speak in a loud, booming voice that seems to be coming from everywhere at once. Embodying him just makes him another, generic enemy.

EDIT: HA HA! That is AWESOME.

< Message edited by Goldstein -- 1/22/2012 13:47:29 >
Post #: 244
1/22/2012 13:53:46   
Vector
Member
 

 hmm... that's interesting... oh! maybe one time his voice could come from one direction, then when he replies to whoever spoke to him, the voice could come from a different direction, adding confusion to possible despair...
still, it's going to take a lot of thinking, and i'm not sure my brain can handle such massive effort all at once
Post #: 245
1/22/2012 13:57:58   
Jessa K
Member
 

 Yeah, agreed, Death is WAY too much like your average guy. Perhaps, instead of him speaking aloud his voice is heard inside one's head?
AQW  Post #: 246
1/22/2012 14:08:21   
Vector
Member
 

 if he won't be seen, then that's a very useful idea...
now you two are making me want to remake this story, but i've got kinzville's omnicorp competition to keep track of... :|
Post #: 247
1/22/2012 14:12:17   
Jessa K
Member
 

 Don't worry, there's always time for revision. It'll probably take a while, too. I'm still editing my novel I wrote in November, and that's not anywhere near finished. Rewriting takes a while, but the end result is always good.
AQW  Post #: 248
1/22/2012 14:15:54   
Goldstein
Member

I'm writing a novel too! Page 90, sixth draft! Yeah!
Post #: 249
1/22/2012 16:47:52   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


 I've been thinking of such a thing... and isn't Experimental already effectively writing a remake of this story, but different?
DF  Post #: 250
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