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With The Moment (Poetry Discussion)

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9/10/2011 22:33:22   
Alanna Zelen
Friendly!

 

Witch's Peril
Mother's Lullaby
The Return
The FanGirl
The Ice Wasteland
The Fading Light
Tale of Long Ago
Masks of the Mind
To War!
Different
Spring Becomes
Murder Mystery
The Realm
Shadowalker
Lady Unknown
Guarding
Darkest Cards
Dreamers War
Wonder
Flames
Seige
Alongside Me
Headstrong
Wildfire
Bittersweet


< Message edited by Alanna Zelen -- 1/10/2012 6:23:00 >
Post #: 1
9/10/2011 23:53:58   
aizenv3
Banned


 Darkest Cards reminds me of Nightmare Queen from AQ. Nice poems
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
11/13/2011 17:02:54   
Lady Veryon
Member

I like your poetry conceptually. My only suggestion (and a searching one at that) would be to pay close attention to your metering. I understand people have prose, but especially the ones with a rhyme scheme should probably have some sort of measured meter. It should feel right in your gut when you write it, know what I mean?

Keep writing. You're very gifted.

V

< Message edited by Lady Veryon -- 11/13/2011 17:03:03 >

_____________________________

There is a song in my heart
and it greets your smile.
If our hearts can sing together,
I will call us friends.
Post #: 3
1/10/2012 6:20:40   
Alanna Zelen
Friendly!

 

 Veryon, of course I do :P Sometimes I just meander off what WAS metered in my mind correctly XD Usually when I needed to choose a new wording for something... I'll do my best to keep it in mind however ^^

Since there is a reason I remembered to check this topic again; two poems written since I last thought to update the list.
Wildfire
Bittersweet

< Message edited by Alanna Zelen -- 1/10/2012 6:22:38 >
Post #: 4
1/10/2012 9:01:53   
Shreder
Member

Hey!

I read through a handful of your poems, and I think I agree with Lady V. Your poems are quite good conceptually, and you are adept at rhyming without making it seem forced (a common mistake...) However, there are some places where small things, often rhythm (Because keep in mind, a poem doesn't have to be strictly metered as long as it has some form of rhythm to it...) cause minor distractions from the overall quality of the piece. I'll take "Wildfire" as an example:

quote:

Heat my own, given in trust
Soul my own, flesh and blood
Wildfire in me, wild and untamed
Beware of me, when I am maimed

Heart of yours, scarred yet whole
Soul of yours, strong and true
Wildfire within, wild and untamed
Beware of him, when I am maimed

Heart of ours, shared and strong
Souls of two, truth and right
Wildfire raging, wild and untamed
Beware of us, and the roaring flame


Now it's a fine poem, but there are some places where the flow is just a little bit awkward, namely the change in every stanza from the second line to the third. As far as I can tell, this is because the tendency when reading the word "wildfire" is to make "wild" two syllables, giving the line nine overall. So each stanza is generally 6-6-9-8, and that third line always seems to have one beat too many, at least when I read it.

I could put forth a couple solutions. The simplest one is to simply pronounce the "fire" in "wildfire" in such a way that it has two syllables as well (fai-yer), which is technically okay but a little unintuitive. Most people reading your poem for the first time likely won't do that. Another solution would be to take the "wild" out of each "wildfire", changing it to just "fire". As far as I can tell this fixes the flow problem, and in the process alleviates another concern of mine--the fact that there are two "wild"s in the same line, which just strikes me as unnecessarily repetitive.

These are only suggestions, mind, and you can follow or ignore my advice as you please.

< Message edited by Shreder -- 1/10/2012 9:02:58 >
DF MQ  Post #: 5
1/10/2012 19:50:38   
Alanna Zelen
Friendly!

 

 Haha, I'm not going to touch the composition of anything I've already wrote. Especially not Wildfire; just because that one has a particular meaning for me :P But those are things I'll try to keep in mind when I'm looking back over stanza's trying to work out what broke the flow. I just don't like touching what I've already created; as I tend to completely alter it.

Thank you both for the input ^^
Post #: 6
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