Formorri
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I'm greatly honoured then if you think so. On with the review.
Chapter 1 was fast paced and straight to the point. Nicely descriptive but not too focused on appearances, which is something I like when it comes to stories. I'm sure you too have encountered authors that seem to get too carried away with their characters. I mean seriously, no one needs to know if Sarah wears frilly undergarments every Tuesday.
Though I have one qualm about Sephulcure. While I'm sure that the Sephulcure of that time was still a beginner being the evil overlord and whatnot, why is he standing on a cliff? In the middle of nowhere? You'd expect that he would at least have his own evil lair. Or a horse. A black bony one, because food isn't exactly bountiful in the middle of nowhere.
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Chapter 2 began with action. And lots of it. Also, I found out that Jeanne's sword was either built like a match or someone resupplied a kerosene layer after each use.
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Whoops... NOW it's chapter 1. My bad.
Apparently, Jeanne's quite the looker. It's not every day your enemy decides that you're so beautiful it nullifies his own execution.
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Chapter 2
If I have concluded anything from this chapter, it is that the Inquisition has quite the bank account.
Pushing that aside, The Inquisition has character. And when I mean character, I mean flaws. I find it nice that you didn't make Jeanne's superiors a rendition of Disneyland's black and white sense of nobility. Instead, you showed that the Inquisition can be ruthless, which pretty much explained Jeanne's apathy to killing. Like the good old days when people executed 'witches' under false assumptions.
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Chapter 3 More flaws. I'm loving Jeanne already.
I realise that it sounds odd that I'm not finding her fighting prowess attractive, instead opting for her poor battle stategies. Perfection is boring. Any normal Joe could come up with a super powerful being, with great looks, superior confidence and an omniscient mind. Flaws make a character.
Because people read to relate. They don't read to find out the author's fantasies.
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Chapter 4
Noir didn't sparkle. Jeanne didn't fall immediately to Noir's vampire charm. Two things I'm immensely grateful for.
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Chapter 5
I think I know where "frustrated" come from. And you were right, it was an understatement.
I like how you had Jeanne act her age. Her reaction to Noir was blatantly hilarious- like a twisted form of sibling rivalry.
Plus, the sundial alarm was a nice touch.
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Chapter 6
Either Noir was just REALLY forgiving or she has an ulterior motive for defending Jeanne. Regardless of chivalry, it's not exactly beneficial for Noir to help someone that swore to kill her.
Though the judge was right. Honour over tactics makes a terrible leader. I suspect that his judgement would become an important plot bunny in the future
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Chapter 7
I'm suspicious of Olaus. Heck, I'm even suspicious of Sir Vice at this point; I think he might even die further down the plot.
And the plot thickens!
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Chapter 8
The Inquisitorial Librarium reminds me of Harry Potter. A tad unecessary with all the magic whoo-hah, but then again the Inquisition DOES have humongous pockets, so I guess that's understandable.
quote:
Everything felt alive and aware of her presence. Books would suddenly fly out and open for her in an attempt to show her the knowledge she seeked, but knowledge she didn't need. She needed information about the Inquisition and the Library gave her random trivial facts instead
As soon as this line came up, I immediately knew that the librarian can read minds. Fantasy stories are just predictable like that.
P/s: Have you looked up Arabian for the spells? Cos' I swear, I recognize some of the words.
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Chapter 9-10
I have decided. Lawrence is my favourite character.
Know why?
It's because she knew exactly when to run. She understood her own limits and just RAN. In some ways, I think it takes more guts to do that than to stay and fight. Plus, if I'd was in her position, I would just freeze.
It just occured to me that Jeanne's anti-magic properties might be couterproductive. If she relied on healing abilities so much, then isn't that another type of magic? Furthermore, wouldn't the Putrefying monster way back would just crumble away after being in contact with her? So many theories...
I think I'm seeing a trend here. Most characters seem to be female. They also all seem to be beautiful and insanely powerful. Perhaps a little variation, hmm?
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Chapter 11
Noir laughs weird. Don't get me wrong. It MIGHT have sounded sophisticated in real life..... or something.
It must be difficult to laugh with fangs.
Call me paranoid, but I think I see slash. *shudder*
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Chapter 12
Ladies and gentlemen.... We have a new character. And it's not female.
We already had a alarm sundial, so why is the order's communication's system so primitive? No flying hawk swooping in? Or some sort of magical floo?
On to the final chapter! (in my case at least...)
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Chapter 13
So there was a conspiracy within the order. And apparently, with Jeanne's at the centre of it all.
I'm guessing that Noir would be one of the liutenants, no? Then Sir Rator would be her underling and question her abilities and make her life difficult, while Lawrence.....
Bah, I'll let YOU write the rest of the stories. I'll just ruin your plot if I speculate any further.
_the End_
< Message edited by Formorri -- 11/28/2011 10:07:58 >
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