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RE: (DF) The Hounds of God- Discussion

 
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12/4/2011 19:58:11   
Helixi
Member

That story is a beast. I didn't realise how long it actually was. My plan of doing it in small parts throughout the week clearly won't work, so I'll have to come at it from a different angle. I promised Elryn a critique and Tales of a Warmonger is much shorter than this; I'll crit his throughout the week and (hopefully) finish by Friday. Then, I'll start work on this over the weekend. Does that sound fair?
AQ DF  Post #: 351
12/4/2011 20:01:21   
lordkaho
Creative!


Fair enough since I won't be on much this week due to exams.

Like I said, take your time. And if you would, I'd like something similar to Formorri where there is a review for each chapter. If it's not too much for you that is.

Thanks for your time again, Helixi.
DF MQ  Post #: 352
12/4/2011 20:04:04   
Helixi
Member

I was planning on something like that; a full critique in one post will be eyewatering to look at. Since you have this thread and you asked for a full in-depth work-up on The Work Table, I'm just going to post it all here.
AQ DF  Post #: 353
12/4/2011 20:08:20   
lordkaho
Creative!


Much appreciated.

Despite its length most of the corrections I've made are only up to spelling errors. As for the whole proper sentence construction and stuff, that's where I'm hoping you'd help me fix. I'd like to polish at least half of Part 1 before I start on the Dragon Path side story, and then work on Part 2.
DF MQ  Post #: 354
12/4/2011 20:35:29   
Glais
Member

Before you start the Dragon's Path I'd like to throw in my opinion on something...
Considering Noir just left, it kinda seems a bit soon for a story where they are both central characters? Maybe you could tie it in in part 2 and wait 1 or 2 chapters before introducing it. But I don't know how that works with the plot and all...just seems that an adventure for them so soon would be somewhat forced.
DF MQ  Post #: 355
12/4/2011 20:52:18   
lordkaho
Creative!


Yeah I thought about that. I plan to overhaul the arrangement for chapter 11 to 15 since Dragon path happens between 10 and 11. I'll also take down chapter 15 in the mean time after DP is done, so that it'll be somehow justified.
DF MQ  Post #: 356
12/4/2011 21:06:54   
Glais
Member

That should work then, or actually, even just a disclaimer of when it happens (or just posting it between chapters 10 and 11) will help with the story's flow.
DF MQ  Post #: 357
12/17/2011 2:21:03   
Helixi
Member

This is almost entirely unrelated to the story. While browsing for presents, I came across this and it strongly reminded me of your story and prompted me to research the real Inquisition more deeply; in the long run, that research will probablt help me understand this story better.
AQ DF  Post #: 358
12/17/2011 4:20:12   
lordkaho
Creative!


Contrary to popular belief, my version of the Inquisition isn't drawn from the Spanish Inquisition perpetrated by Queen Isabella of Castille, but is a mix of the Knight Templar Order and the Germanic Inquisition of the 16th century under Pope Innocent VII who issued a papal bull against witchcraft.



< Message edited by lordkaho -- 12/17/2011 4:34:15 >
DF MQ  Post #: 359
12/19/2011 13:19:05   
Mortarion
Member

Soooooooooo when will this get an update
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 360
12/19/2011 22:26:41   
lordkaho
Creative!


Honestly, I still have no idea. I'm currently in a huge writer's block as of the moment. I've been doing some reading here and there, since I have a feeling my narrative style just isn't that good.

Anyway, expect Lawrence's summoning spells to be like this in the future, but either in German, Latin, Cthuvian or in Arabic.

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 12/19/2011 22:27:22 >
DF MQ  Post #: 361
12/19/2011 22:27:44   
Mortarion
Member

how about in euskera?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 362
12/19/2011 22:32:05   
lordkaho
Creative!


^

I'm not sure if Lovecraft was familiar with the Spanish language.
DF MQ  Post #: 363
12/19/2011 22:33:54   
Mortarion
Member

Just suggesting a languaje, you don't need to follow Lovecraft by each step, also a question that I had in my mind for quite some times, will you make, even if late, any Christmas drawing?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 364
12/19/2011 23:07:39   
lordkaho
Creative!


Probably.

Anyway, here's something I've done on a whim.

quote:



Lawrence had laid out the arcane circle before her.

The catalysts of summoning were complete, she only needed to breath life into the ritual with the sacred words of power. Hallowed words spoken in the tongue from a distant world, the world from which she came from.

The magus stretched her arms and began the chant,

"Fill. Fill. Fill. Fill. Fill. Let each be turned over five times, simply breaking asunder the fulfilled time."

The circle glowed faintly with each utterance of the spell.

"Let silver and steel be the essence. Let stone and the archduke of contracts be the foundation. Let my great master Edgar Allan Poe be the ancestor. Raise a wall, against the wind that shall fall. Close the four cardinal gates. Come out from the crown. Rotate the three-branched road reaching the Kingdom."

Her voice was akin to the sound of boulders heaving and moving about. A tone that signified otherworldy magicks. Particles of light began to cluster around the ring

"-- I shall declare here.

Your body shall serve under me. My fate shall be with your sword.

Submit to the beckoning of the Holy Grail. If you will submit to this will and this reason...... then answer!"

A gust of energies erupted from the circle, roaring wildly like an ancient beast released from its thousand year old prison. The ground shook, trembling in the great tremor; heaps of obsidian tiles were peeled off into the air.

Lawrence tightened her focus, mana bursting from her palms. The forces emanating from the ritual battered against her frail body.

"I shall attain all virtues of all of Heaven. I shall have dominion over all evils of all of Hell!"

She strengthened her voice, trying to dominate the power awakening into this world.

"-- From the Seventh Heaven, attended to by three great words of power, come forth from the ring of restraint, Protector of the Balance!"

Finally, the ritual circle implodes into a brillaint curtain of light. The magus was flung several feet away, unable to resist the arcane powers anymore.

However, the was summoning chant was complete.

Amidst the cloud of dust and smoke,a figure knelt upon the shattered pavement.

"I've...Done it.", Lawrence said to her self with a smile of satisfaction. She huffed for air, greatly weakened by the ordeal.

The figure, a man of noble stature, clad in armor that shimmered with divine radiance.

He had answered her summons.

This was the great dragon slaying Saint, the Patron of Great Britain.

The legendary Christian bane of all things Draconic.



Saint George.


The spell in itself is only a placeholder, as it's a chant for summoning a Servant from the Throne of Heroes. I'll make modifications soon enough.



< Message edited by lordkaho -- 12/19/2011 23:08:55 >
DF MQ  Post #: 365
12/19/2011 23:16:02   
Glais
Member

Sounds interesting, though I was wondering why it was so close to the video, but you explained it.
I was expecting a creature or such, hm.
DF MQ  Post #: 366
12/19/2011 23:29:27   
lordkaho
Creative!


Like I said it's only a placeholder. I used St. George because it would be too awesome to pass up. But in reality the ritual would have failed as to summon a champion of Christianity, she would need great belief in the holy mysteries, which she lacks. In turn she can only summon pagan and pre christian monstrosities.
DF MQ  Post #: 367
12/19/2011 23:33:01   
Glais
Member

I see, you've obviously thought this out :D And yeah I know, anyhow, I wonder what monstrocities she'll call forth. Will she ever get to call something Lovecraftian? Well I mean beyond a Deep One, like a lesser Old One such as Dagon.
And yeah St.George is so awesome Ben 10:UA can't even ruin him...

DF MQ  Post #: 368
12/19/2011 23:33:37   
Mortarion
Member

Got St. George
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 369
12/19/2011 23:48:59   
lordkaho
Creative!


Well let's see. Summoning an Outer God will result in her blowing her brains out. Great Old Ones are tricky, while possible, it's a double edged sword. She may borrow its powers but in the end, she will inevitably go insane. However, trying to flat out subjugate it is suicide. So yeah, I guess she's stuck with lesser spawn.
DF MQ  Post #: 370
12/19/2011 23:51:28   
Glais
Member

Hm, though I guess it's better that way, especially for her. Though the Old Ones don't seem too insanely powerful, and Outer god though, that's suicide for nearly anyone.
If I got my definitions right that is.
DF MQ  Post #: 371
12/22/2011 4:09:42   
Helixi
Member

My apologies for keeping you waiting such a long time, Kaho. As this is an incredibly long narrative, I'll critique each chapter in a separate post to save posting a massive text wall. Also, as you asked for a full indepth critique over on The Work Table, I'll just do it all here; it makes it easier for me.




So you know the format of my critiques:
Title of chapter/post
quote:



Quote from the story/poem here. Mistakes will be in bold and numbered.


List of criticisms underneath.
1. Crit here.
2. Crit here.
etc.




quote:

The damp, dry air was stifling. The 1. peat-like ground was moist, muddy and let out putrid fumes with the scent of decay. It felt like walking on tar; the 2. soles of their greaves 3. dirty with the unclean soil. The 4. "BadLands", true to its name, was a hellish wasteland. Still, the group trudged on. Their armor made loud, clinking sounds as they went. Two of them were knights, bearing the royal insignia of Swordhaven. One of them was a hooded man, 5. garbed in priestly robes. He carried about a huge backpack full of indecipherable wares, and by his side were a number of dusty, moldy tomes. Leading them was a short, blond haired girl in shimmering silver armor.

They 6. have been journeying for seven days 7. now, with little rest and sleep. Three of their knight companions 8. already fell to 9. sickness, hunger, and to the harsh environment. However, they 10. persevere. Their leader, known as Jeanne D'Arc, 11. is inflamed with great surreal passion. Her teal eyes shone with dedication and 12. will to endure it all. 13. They must succeed, she thought. Her companions, despite 14. the odds heavily against them, 15. honor her decision and comply without doubt as they continue to blindly search the barrens. Except one.

"Captain...Are we really sure he is here?" 16. one of the knights, croaked in a dry, raspy voice.

"You doubt the Order's knowledge, Sir Vice 17. ?", snapped the hooded man.

18. "N-No,...I-"

"Or maybe your weak willed mind is starting to submit to this accursed land19. ? ", the man growled, his eyes burning with anger.

1. I'm loving this strong imagery, but I think it could be worded a little better. Feel free to keep it though, as there's nothing technically wrong with it.
2. Greaves protect the leg, not the foot.
3. This fragment as it is does not make sense. I suggest replacing it with either, 'Were heavy with the unclean soil' or 'were dirtied by the unclean soil'.
4. This is technically not a criticism, but why is 'Land' capitalised?
5. Again, there's nothing wrong with this. However, the words 'priest's robes' would work just as well.
6. 'Had been.' Given that the first paragraph is all in past tense, I assume this is error on your part.
7. If it's in past tense, 'now' is unnecessary. If it's meant to be in present, it should stay in.
8. 'Had already fallen'.
9. They can't fall to all three. Unless you're going to specify which knight died of what, the 'and' should be an 'or'.
10. 'Persevered'.
11. 'Was inflamed'.
12. 'The will to endure it all'.
13. It's standard practise to italicise thoughts.
14. 'Despite the odds weighed heavily against them'.
15. Oh, American spellings, a particular pet peeve of mine. 'honored her decision and complied without doubt as they continued blindly searching the barrens/barren wasteland'. According to my spellchecker, 'barrens' isn't actually a word, but I think it might just need an update.
16. The question mark closed the sentence, so 'one' should be capitalised.
17. The above applies here. In addition, the comma serves no purpose so it can be removed.
18. The comma after 'no' is unneeded and there should be a space after the ellipsis.
19. This is exactly the same mistake as 17. Don't worry, it's simple to correct and chances are you'll remember for the future.


quote:

"Enough, both of you." 1. interfered Jeanne "Our mission is to hunt and execute the traitor, Sir Pulchure... 2. '. She adds, "...If Sir Vice has fallen into the enemy's dark temptations, I will be the judge of that. 3. For now let us not tarry any longer."

The others momentarily fell into silence. They nodded, and moved on.

An hour later, the party 4. is still on the 5. move; relentless to their cause. By now, the wind was even 6. drier and hotter. The humidity worsened with each passing minute, the gaseous odors fuming from the cracked, muddy earth was now too suffocating and foul to be even breathable.

"I-...I can't do it anymore..." gasped Sir Vice. At long last, the weary knight fell to his knees, wheezing and coughing.

"It was only a matter of time." said the hooded man. "Just goes to show how you frail imbeciles are so weak in faith, how you fail to see the great picture that matters most; that we must not fall short before our holy king! Not even trivial matters like weariness must extinguish our souls in carrying out his divine will 7. !", he exclaimed.

8. Sir Vice barely listened to his words, who was by now on the verge of collapse. His fellow knight held him up straight and made him sit to catch some air.

1. 'Interfered Jeanne, "Our..."'.
2. This period after the speech mark is not needed. 'She added'. Also, you're using a combination of the ' and " marks. It's confusing for the reader, so pick one and stick with it.
3. 'For now' is a subordinate clause and so should be followed by a comma.
4. 'Was still'.
5. The semi-colon is in the wrong place as 'relentless to their cause' is not a main clause.
6. The wind cannot be dry while the atmosphere is humid.
7. The comma is unnecessary. 'He' should be capitalised.
8. 'Sir Vice, who was by now on the verge of collapse, barely listened to the priest's words.'


quote:

"C-Captain...Please...We must go back..." 1. pleaded Sir Vice.

The hooded man continued with his 2. furious rants.

"Silence, inquisitor." 3. snapped Jeane.

Jeanne walked over to the exhausted Sir Vice. She knelt until her face came into level with the knight's teary eyes. She extended her arm, and gently gave him a pat on the shoulder, with a vague expression that could somehow be interpreted as a faint smile.

"Come. Rise up. You all know too well that we cannot fail in our quest. We have trekked too far from the safety of our kingdom to even consider returning. There is nothing left for us but to end Sir Pulchure's treachery, even if it costs us our lives."

Suddenly, a dark column of light stabbed the heavens, crackling like mad as it went.

Jeanne returned her gaze to Sir Vice.

1. 'Pleaded'. The period means it has to be capitalised.
2. It should be just 'rant', I think.
3. This is exactly the same mistake as 1.

quote:

1. "Let's go. I won't allow my soldiers to die like starving dogs in this inhospitable wilderness."

"Y-Yes...Ma'am.", Sir Vice weakly 2. nods. But after a moment, a smile 3. formed across his face, as if he was magically rejuvenated then stood up, proud and strong.

The party traced the source 4. of the energy and led them to a nearby cliff 5. overlooking the north. The wind billowed, ripped and lashed out in a chaotic frenzy. The air let out a haunting shriek that sounded like thousands of insects chirping and squirming. At the edge of the cliff, stood a man in crimson armor with demonic spikes protruding from his pauldrons. His hair was 6. the color blood, tinged with the tang of hate and fury and waving with the wind like sentient serpentine locks. His eyes were orbs of pure red energy, crackling and hissing. 7. His ruddy face was pale, devoid of life, with veins bulging at the sides branching towards the center of his face, forming a gruesome mask.

This was the traitor whom they have searched so arduously.

"H-He is a doom knight?!" 8. the inquisitor exclaimed. Fear creeping in his tone.

"Fear not. With the king's blessing and guidance, he will preserve us." 9. said Jeanne, as she prepared to unsheathed her katana.

Sir Pulchure grinned, 10. showing files of teeth most cruel and vicious.

"You..." He spoke, his voice deep and thundering.

"You took her away from me...You ruined my life...and now...you foolish dogs of that wretched king WHO BETRAYED ME...WHO FORSOOK ME...plan to finish the job."

1. Eh? You said earlier they weren't going. I think this is just a case of you not clarifying what's going on very well.
2. 'Nodded'.
3. 'Formed across his face' is fine. However, 'as if he was magically rejuvenated then stood up, proud and strong' needs to be reworded. I would suggest making the whole phrase, 'formed across his face, as if Jeanne had magically rejuvenated him. He stood up, proud and strong'.
4. What energy? You haven't mentioned this earlier.
5. One can't overlook a direction. It 'looks to the north', 'faces the north' or 'overlooks the XXX'.
6. 'The color of blood'.
7. 'Ruddy' means a healthy, pinky-red colour. Therefore, he cannot be 'ruddy' and 'pale' at the same time.
8. 'The inquisitor exclaimed, fear creeping into his tone'.
9. 'Said Jeanne, as she prepared to unsheathe her katana.' Just to note, the Templars were almost your garden variety knight; it was likely none of them had seen or even heard of a katana. However, this is a fantastical setting, so I won't grumble about it.
10. 'Showing cruel/vicious/cruel and vicious filed teeth.'


quote:

"No..no..I can't let that happen...Gravelyn...She..Y-Yes...Yes..YES!" 1., murmured the doom knight to himself, as if talking to a voice inside his head.

However, before he could finish his insane chatter, the inquisitor rolled out an aged scroll upon the ground and started chanting. Jeanne ordered her knights to encircle the 2. doom knight. One of the knights produced a metal globe and flung it at Sir Pulchure. Somewhat confused, he let out a pulse of dark energy to block the mysterious projectile. The orb diffused, 3. and exploded before him, and let out a blinding light that enveloped the whole cliff.

Sir Pulchure was dazed from the concussion,4. still standing not knowing what to do; as if he wasn't sure on how to use his new dark powers.

The inquisitor finished his chant and stabbed the scroll with a golden crucifix. A circle of light then slowly carved itself beneath Sir Pulchure. Magical runes danced around the edges of the circle, slowly gaining speed with each revolution. Suddenly, a cross 5. forms in the middle of the circle and gold, glistening chains burst out from the ground, 6. constricting Sir Pulchure's limbs and torso. They were white hot, melting 7. even through his crimson armor. The chains pulled and tugged, forcing him to the ground.

The doom knight was now kneeling, chained, and at the group's mercy.

"Sir Vice...You may have the honors. Do it quick 8..", commanded Jeanne.

Sir Vice nodded and hastily drew his sword, about to decapitate the traitor, Sir Pulchure. With this single, final strike, they would end years worth of trouble against the kingdom and King Alteon.

Slash!

The grim sound of cold steel ripping through flesh.

1. The comma shouldn't be here, because the exclamation mark closed the speech. 'Murmured' should be capitalised, as should 'doom knight' as it's a title.
2. 'Doom Knight'.
3. The first 'and' should not be in there because it's a list of what the orb does. The sentence will be fine without this word.
4. This needs some rewording. Your meaning is clear, but the phrase could be written much better.
5. 'Formed'.
6. 'To constrict' means 'to make something smaller'. Clearly, these chains did not break Sir Pulchure's limbs; I would suggest the word 'entangling' or 'trapping'.
7. I'm not sure that can actually happen, but I'll ignore it given the setting. The word 'even' is not needed in this sentence either.
8. The comma is not needed. 'Commanded' should be capitalised.




Prologue-Part 2.

quote:

Blood poured over the ground.

Everyone’s eyes 1. fixated at the gruesome sight.

Sir Vice looked at his companions in confusion, until he tasted the bitter tang of crimson liquid dripping from his lips.

His 2. throat was cut open by his own blade resting upon his breastplate which was soaked with his blood.

“C-Captain…I--“ Those were the last words of the knight as he fell dead.

“The monster’s influence is spreading!” Warned the inquisitor.

Without a moment to lose, Jeanne, infuriated with the loss of her soldier, charged at Sir Pulchure along with the other knight. She drew her katana and made a quick scraping motion against the ground, as if lighting a match, and instantly her blade was set ablaze. Her scorching sword glided with ease leaving a trail of embers in its wake, set towards the doom knight’s neck. However, a few inches before hitting its mark, Jeanne’s katana paused in mid-air as if unseen forces had gotten hold of her hand. Immediately, she was flung hard off the ground. 3. The other knight though was not as unfortunate. Approaching the enemy from behind, he drove his sword against Sir Pulchure’s back. Golden runes etched upon the blade flickered as it tore through the demonic scarlet armor, piercing all the way through Sir Pulchure’s chest.

For moment, it seemed like he had succeeded but the doom knight only sneered.

“FOOLS.”

Soon, bony ligaments began to creep out of his head, forming some sort of frame as fleshy material began to mask his head. The form grew fangs and great horns, revealing the visage of a dreadful dragon.

1. 'Fixed'.
2. What? How would that work? Clarify this please.
3. This should either be 'The other knight, though, was not as unfortunate' or 'The other knight wasn't as unfortunate'.


quote:


“I NOW SEE…WITH PURPOSE.”

Surprised, the knight quickly withdrew his sword from the monster’s body and 1. attempts a second strike, this time to decapitate him. But, the enemy was prepared. As he swung his sword, he is met with a wave of pure black darkness 2. encroaching at high speed emitting a screeching sound so foul and evil. With his holy blade, he slashed through it, suffering only minor injuries. The 3. doom knight was now trying to break loose from the binding chains, 4. while inquisitor tries to cast another spell.

The 5. knight somehow annoyed at the enemy’s resistance, grabbed a vial from his pouch and 6. spewed all of its contents unto the latter. The liquid smelt of sulfur 7. , and burned through the doom knight’s armor making him flinch in agony. Jeanne recovered and returned to aid her party in the fight.

The inquisitor finally finished the second chant 8. , and sliced off one of his fingers, squirming in the process, as his blood trickled over the scroll. This time, a circle of light hovered above the restrained Sir Pulchure, and rained hundreds of ethereal swords upon him. The luminous blades punched through him, leaving cauterized and smoldering holes through his armor, reducing him to an undecipherable mass of charred flesh and bone.

Jeanne walked over his burnt carcass and performed the rites of damnation 9. over his now accursed soul. As she was about to utter the final words, the seemingly destroyed traitor emerged from his own carcass, whole and without a speck of damage. The doom knight towered over Jeanne, who was only about half his size, and back handed her 10. across the face sending her several feet away. The knight hacked his arm clean off, but it reformed 11. right back nonetheless. He swiftly retaliated, punching sizable hole through the knight and lifted him up in the air. Still defiant, the knight 12. performed an act of desperation, brandishing his sword like wild and even managed to slice through Sir Pulchure’s chest.

Annoyed, the knight of doom grabbed him with both arms drained the life out him, leaving the valiant knight now only a withered husk of his former self. Sir Pulchure then 13. dropped him crumbling to dust as he hit the ground. The former now has his eyes on the inquisitor who had been a great "nuisance".

1. 'Attempted'.
2. 'Approaching at high speed emitting a foul and evil screech' would possibly fit better.
3. Doom Knight.
4. 'While the Inquisitor tried to cast...'
5. 'Somehow annoyed' is a subordinate clause and so should be surrounded by commas.
6. This makes absolutely no sense, which is a bit saddening, I think. This fight is so interesting, but this has no place in it unless you reword it to make sense.
7. 'The liquid smelt of sulfur and burned through the Doom Knight's armor' is a main clause, and 'making him flinch in agony' is a subordinate clause. This means they should be separated by a comma. I'd just add to that; how is he only flinching if he's in agony? He has massive mental discipline if that's the case.
8. The first comma is unnecessary as it's followed by 'and'. The last two clauses don't make sense next to each other. In my opinion, it should either be 'squirming as his blood trickled over the scroll' or 'squirming in the process. He watched with blood trickle over the scroll.'
9. This technically isn't a criticism, but 'damnation' implies his soul is cursed. I also dislike repeating the same word so close together if it's not for emphasis. But keeping or getting rid of this phrase is up to you as there's technically nothing wrong with it.
10. 'sending her several feet away' is a subordinate clause so should be preceded by a comma.
11. I suggest a word like 'straight away' or 'immediately' as 'right back nonetheless' is just... odd to read.
12. I'd suggest rewording this.
13. This is great imagery, however, the wording makes it a bit strange to visualise. I'd suggest something like 'Sir Pulchure dropped the knight, who crumbled to dust when he hit the ground'.


quote:

By now the inquisitor was performing a third chant, but unfortunately for him, the doom knight pounced on him with unbelievable speed. 1 He slammed the inquisitor against the ground with such impact it produced a small crater. With a broken hip and arm, the inquisitor refused to die easily. From his tattered robes, he grabbed another golden crucifix and plunged it deep into Sir Pulchure’s glowing red hot eyes. For a moment, he howled in pain but pulled it away and ripped open the inquisitor’s breast plate. He dug through the fallen inquisitor’s bare chest, as the latter screamed in anguish. He ended the miserable man’s life by pulling out his heart and 2. squished it on his blood soaked palms.

Sir Pulchure, 3. victorious and triumphant, stood at the edge of the cliff.

“FEEBLE WEAKLINGS. YOUR WEAK MORTAL MINDS CANNOT COMPREHEND THIS ANCIENT POWER! YOUR FRAIL BODIES WILL CRUMBLE TO ASH BEFORE ITS RAW POWER!” Gloated the doom knight.

Then came a sharp, numbing sensation across his back. Then another. Soon it came in rapid succession.

He glanced over his shoulder to discover that he failed to dispatch the short blond haired girl who was by now carving her sword through his back in quick graceful strokes.
Angered, he clawed at her, but Jeanne ducked and 4. retaliates by doing a somersault, twirling her body and 5. lands her steel boot heel against the 6. doom knight’s face knocking him off balance. He then shot a beam of darkness at her, but the latter effortlessly evaded it. Jeanne was now working her way through his armor, cleaving and slashing as she moved around him.

1. Unless these Inquisitors are made of near superhuman stuff, that would kill a person.
2. 'squashed'. In my opinion, Sir Pulchure eating the heart would be cooler. :D
3. 'Victorious' and 'triumphant' mean the same thing. Therefore, one would be more powerful instead of the two words.
4. 'retaliated'.
5. 'landed'.
6. Doom Knight.


quote:

“You pesky worm!” Exclaimed Sir Pulchure, who was having a hard time catching the small, agile girl.

He glowed a monstrous glow, 1. the air around him tearing apart and infernal flames sprayed forth from the ground. The dry earth cracked and 2. out came jet black tendrils. They hastily seized Jeanne but the tendrils faded into nothingness as they touched her.

He batted an evil eye in surprise, but had no time to properly question why his powers failed as Jeanne's fiery blade was inches away from cleaving through his neck. She struck him hard enough to have him stagger a few steps backward. He groaned and cursed in pain as green slime oozed out of his gaping wound. His demonic eyes 3. bore into her with great menace. He raised both arms 4. at her direction, a pose signifying a summoning spell. Quick to analyze, Jeanne dashed forward and immediately slashed off one of his hands but she was a few seconds too slow.

The ground belched out a grotesque mountain of skulls and bones, entombing Jeanne then 5. gradually reformed itself- displaying her like a puppet upon a throne in a most darkly macabre fashion.

He had finally caught his last enemy. 6. Out of his right hand, evil powers gathered, creating a sheet of darkness. The wind howled with frenzy. The bloody sky darkened 7. ‘till pitch black. 8. And out of the darkness came a crimson blade, with bones for hilt.

It spoke.

“It took you 9. a while enough…”

1. This needs some rewording.
2. 'and black tendrils emerged' might flow better.
3. 'bore into hers, glowing with great menace' might fit better.
4. 'at her' or 'in her direction', but not 'at her direction'.
5. 'The ground belched out a grotesque mountain of skulls and bones, entombing Jeanne then gradually reforming itself around her, displaying her like a puppet on a throne in a most macabre fashion.'
6. 'Over'.
7. 'to' or 'until it was'.
8. You shouldn't start sentences with 'and', strictly speaking. Without 'and', the sentence is perfect.
9. 'it took you a while' or 'it took you long enough'.


quote:

“It doesn’t matter. It all ends here now.” Replied the 1. doom knight.

He returned his demonic gaze to the restrained Jeanne 2. , her limbs were tightly held by a dense piles of bones. For some reason, the throne of death managed to effectively capture her.

Or so he thought; as he noticed to his dismay that parts of it were starting to wear out in the same inexplicable manner. He had to act fast.

3. He pointed his ruinous sword at her and said,

“I admire your zeal, valor and ferocity, inquisitor. But sadly, you fought for the wrong cause.”

“And now, you will share the fate of all those who have wronged me!”


In a swift motion, he drove the blade through her; the latter shrieked in pain.

“Y-You cannot kill me…But remember this…I WILL hunt you down even if it takes a thousand years! You cannot run from me traitor…” Grunted Jeanne as her face distorted with agony and blood watered down her mouth.

“I see. I will wait for that time.” Replied Sir Pulchure, his tone now mellow and natural, devoid of his previous hellish chatter.

He pulled out the sword, gripped Jeanne by neck and brought her over the edge of the cliff.

“I will be waiting, Inquisitor.” He whispered 4. through Jeanne’s ear.

And with that he lets go of her, causing her to plummet down the bottomless chasm.

As Jeanne fell, time seemed 5. to have slowed down. As her consciousness slowly faded and became hazy, she saw the lasting image of her party slaughtered at the hands of a monster. How she has been a terrible leader. How her last actions could have redeemed her of her past deeds.

All of it.

Gone.

1. Doom Knight.
2. This should be a semi-colon/dash/period/connective.
3. There's no need for this speech to be on as new line because it's Sir Pulchure speaking and not a new person.
4. 'into'.
5. 'time seemed to slow down'.




That's the first two parts of your critique finally finished, Kaho. :D


< Message edited by Helixi -- 12/30/2011 11:24:10 >
AQ DF  Post #: 372
12/23/2011 2:08:36   
lordkaho
Creative!


Thanks Helixi. I have already edited out the errors.

I worked around some parts in Part 2 of the Prologue, especially the part with Jeanne fighting Sepulchure. I made a little plot hole there with regards to Jeanne's passive ability.
DF MQ  Post #: 373
12/23/2011 5:30:23   
Helixi
Member

Chapter 1.

quote:

The magician stepped back. He knew he was a goner. Nothing could possibly save him from the fate that would soon be upon him. He was surrounded and outnumbered twenty-seven to one. The supposedly legendary mercenary, 1. Shadowair, whom he paid a huge sum of gold to act as his 2. body guard now lay upon the cold obsidian floor a bloody, butchered corpse. His loyal familiars decorated his walls, impaled upon pikes.

His magic was of no use, his long sleepless research on the 3. thaumaturgy proven worthless, his ancient tomes that held centuries of great knowledge could offer no help as to 4. even the tides. Not even a single teleportation spell could spare his neck from his persecutors.

Before him, 5. was a number of knights and 6. cloaked men draped with religious icons. They crept closer towards the frail, ailing magician. He tried to cast a fire ball, gathering the oxygen around his palms and igniting 7. them to form a brilliant globe of scorching flames. He tried uttering the arcane words to release the spell, but he was immediately countered. One of the hooded men, dressed in a billowing cloak adorned with holy sigils, crosses, and suns, traced a magical rune in the air with his forefinger. The rune spelled out "8. Silence." 9. Immediately, the magician felt his throat constrict and tighten. His vocal chords 10. ceased to give sound. His voice deserted him. The voice needed to cast the spell.

A knight pulled out a crossbow and 11. lets fly a deadly bolt upon his arm. Surprised, the magician lost focus and his powers went awry, allowing the ball of fire in his hand to combust and 12. draped him in flames. He scampered towards the ground, flailing and rolling about. He hurriedly tried to at least summon even the lesser powers of cold to extinguish the fire but he was interrupted yet again.

Jeanne walked out amongst the crowd.

1. '..Shadowair, to whom'.
2. 'to whom he had paid a huge sum of gold to act as his body guard' is a subordinate clause and so should be surrounded by commas. The first goes after 'Shadowair' and the second goes after 'guard.
3. 'thaumaturgy was worthless'.
4. 'even the sides'.
5. 'were a'.
6. 'cloaked men, draped' or 'cloaked men all draped'. It's up to you which one you use.
7. You can't have a plural of oxygen in this instance. It has to be 'it'.
8. In my opinion, this should be italicised.
9. This should be on a new line, I think.
10. 'ceased to function'.
11. 'let fly a deadly bolt'.
12. 'draping him on flames', or you could take it out completely. I think you should do the latter, but it's up to you.


quote:

"Technomantress, rid him of his mana." She ordered.

Immediately, a female technomancer arrived by her side. She 1. aimed her mana glove at the magician and transformed it into a miniature dragon head. Out of it came a fiery stream of inferno, sending the latter into further throes of agony and draining him of his 2. last bits of power 3. ; his only means of salvation.

He crawled 4. limping and writhing towards the face of the wall.

A pathetic sight.

Jeanne rolled out a scroll before her and read its contents with a loud, confident voice.

1. I think this might need rewording. I suggest, 'She raised her hand to the magician, her glove transforming into a dragon head as she did so. Fire blossomed from its mouth, sending the enemy into further throes of agony' but that's the best I can come up with in five minutes.
2. 'last bits' sounds a bit clumsy. I suggest the word 'dregs' or similar.
3. This should be a comma.
4. You can't limp and crawl at the same time. If you take 'limping and' out, the sentence will be fine.


quote:

"Janeas Radrvor, eldest son of Norman Radrvor, master and high priest of Kealdwor keep...You are charged with anarchy, conspiracy, and extreme defiance against 1. His majesty, the King. Namely; aiding the Slugwraths during the rebellion, writing grievous and damaging literature that is propagandist in nature, 2. refusal to submit to his authority, and 3. is suspected of being a spy of the old regime plotting to dethrone his Majesty and bring back power to the Slugwraths..."

She directed her gaze to Janeas. She signaled for the hooded man earlier to erase the rune of Silence. Janeas' voiced then returned, making him take huge gasps for air.

"What do you have to say for yourself?"

The broken man held himself up and leaned on the cold cobalt wall. He glanced at the young girl in armor before him. To his surprise she was nothing he ever expected. This was the first time he had met the so called Inquisition, but it was very astonishing to find someone like her amongst its ranks. Her short bob-cut hair was pale blond. Her piercing crystal azure eyes were mesmerizing. Her silken skin was smooth and suggested tender youth. Her strong, unmoving countenance was intimidating as she was pretty. Everything about her radiated with an angelic, yet dominant aura. T'was like being in the presence of a saint.

Janeas took a deep breath, and 4. spoke.

"You'll grow up into a fine woman one day, young lady."

1. 'His Majesty'.
2. 'refusing'.
3. 'you are suspected'.
4. There's no need for a new line here.


quote:

Jeanne took no heed of the sudden compliment. With a flick of her finger, she ordered her knights to grab Janeas on both arms. They pinned him against the wall. She gave a nodding gesture, and immediately the knights produced iron stakes. In a gruesome manner, they hammered the magician's palms with the stakes into the wall. The latter howled in pain, echoing throughout the entire chamber.

"One more thing..." Grunted Janeas, struggling to keep his calm despite the severe pain that surged through his arms.

1. "...How did you locate me? How did you know of my plot? I disappeared, leaving no trace of my existence for nearly decade, hiding high up in the Willowshire mountains and even going as far as cloaking my keep with a magical barrier!"

"The eyes and ears of the Inquisition stretch far and wide, mister Radrvor." Spoke Jeanne, unsheathing her katana.

1. This is the classic villain death speech. It's very, very cliché, but this isn't actually a criticism, just something I thought I'd point out.


quote:

A quick strike along the obsidian floor, and her blade was lit in wild flames.

One of the knights held Janeas by the hair and slammed the back of his head against the wall, baring his neck.

1. "I...have failed. My rebellious plot was all for naught. But...If I were to die glancing at such a beautiful face....I...would have no regrets." Smiled the magician.

"...Guilty." Whispered Jeanne, her eyes blank and void of emotion.

2. She made a step closer, and 3. hunched her upper body forward. 4. She rested her sword sideways, with the point facing the back, and with great force she sprang her arm along a horizontal path, carving the burning blade searing through the air. Flaming steel ripped past moist flesh, leaving a smoldering mark.

1. 'looking at such a beautiful face. Also, that's a tad creepy.
2. 'She took'.
3. 'leaned forward'.
4. This makes no sense to me.


quote:

A swift end.

One of the inquisitors retrieved the dead magician's decapitated head and placed it in an iron box, trimmed with red ornate wood. Probably, to add to the Inquisition's ever growing severed head collection for the gallery of traitors and heretics.

Jeanne 1. washes off the fires on her sword and sheathes it back.

"Captain, are you hurt?" Asked one of the knights.

"Back to your post, Sir Vice. We still have much work to do."

1. 'washed... sheathed'.


quote:

Sir Vice jolted, made a quick salute and hastily left Jeanne's presence. 1. The young knight was just fresh from knighthood, and was absorbed into the Order for some unspecified reason. He showed promise, and at 2. that time the Inquisition was severely under manned so it may have been possible he was conscripted.

"You know yourself that it's a bad thing to disturb the captain especially at a time like this, rookie." Said Sir Mon, 3. has he jokingly jabbed Sir Vice on the shoulder.

"Well...It's just because she's 4. merely a young girl tasked to do all this stuff. She's so much younger than any of us here that all this work must have given her some traumatic lapses already."

"Don't worry about her. She can hold out just fine. She may be like a younger sister to us, but believe me. She's tougher than all of us 5. put about."
Smiled Sir Mon.

"You seem to know much about her." asked Sir Vice, with a puzzled look through his half open visor.

1. Was he a squire who became an Order Knight? Was he a knight who became an Inquisitor? It's not clear, but he can't be a knight who became a knight. I suggest rewording this somehow to clarify it.
2. 'the time of his arrival'.
3. 'as he'.
4. 'Only'. I also think this is a bit of a cliché attitude towards women warriors, but he is new, so I'll forgive it.
5. 'put together'.


quote:

"Nahh...You see lad, I've been with the captain for months now and trust me. She's been through far worse." Said Sir Mon, 1. rubbing his scruffy beard with his hand.

"You two over there! Enough talk! Destroy everything to the ground! We must not leave any trace of this wickedness." Shouted Jeanne at the two chatting knights.

"Well now..."Sir Mon crossed his arms. "This is going to take a lot of work." Said the knight as he gazed up at the cavernous chamber.

"This castle won't demolish itself you know." Said a smiling Sir Vice as he lit up a torch.

However, beyond the shadowy corners of the chamber, hiding behind a great marble pillar; a pair of red eyes glinted in the darkness.

"Jeanne~" A voice hissed.

1. He's wearing a helmet. He can't do that.




Chapter 2.

quote:

The loud, 1. heavy marching of boots and grieves filled the narrow, dimly lit corridor. At the end was a massive iron door, with metal studs that dotted its rusty edges. Two angels 2. decorate the worn, corroded surface facing each other on different panels. One was heavily armored, holding a balance on his left hand and a flaming sword on the right. The other wore a flowing robe, his face hidden under a hood and in his hand was a thick iron bound tome. He also held a lengthy scroll that fell all the way to the bottom of the door, which contains a number of verses written in an ancient language only the Inquisitors 3. know. Making an arc on the top of the door where words deeply carved, 4. saying-

"Thou Shalt Not Suffer The Witch To Live"


An inquisitor pressed his arm against the door and began to heave. Two others followed and helped him open the heavy iron door.

After much effort, it gave way and yawned open with a loud rumbling sound. Beyond the door was a great chamber of sorts. 5. It somehow resembled a throne room, but with several podiums forming a half-circle at the center similar to a council or court room. Sitting at the podiums were a number of shadowy cloaked persons, each of whom had a distinct marking on their hoods. At the very throne itself sat a regal figure dressed in popish garments, clad in intricately ornate armor trimmed with golden symbols. Rested upon his head was a tall mitre embroidered with ancient golden runes.

This man was the supreme head of the Inquisition, the Grand Inquisitor Markus Honorius, the third ever to have taken the responsibility.

The company 6. knelt in reverence to the holy man... Except the young lady in front of them.

"Kneel.. 7. .Jeanne D'Arc", spoke the Grand Inquisitor in a slow, dry voice.

Jeanne jerked in surprise 8. , clearly her mind was off somewhere else. She genuflected in such a hurried manner that her head almost hit the pavement. By now, sweat slowly began to trickle down her cheeks. Her eyes were widening in awe. She bit her lower lip so much it almost bled.

She was shaking in fear, and yet at the same time in adoration. All this, because t'was was the first time she had ever seen the Grand Inquisitor in the flesh and not just by the lonely whispers of fellow inquisitors.

10. Being summoned by Markus himself could only mean either of the two;

Life and Death.


1. 'Marching' isn't a sound, it's an action. I'll leave it up to you how you want to reword that, if at all. Also, 'grieves' should be 'greaves'.
2. 'Decorated'.
3. 'Knew'.
4. There's no need to have this on a new line. It could read, '...saying, Thou Shalt Not Suffer The Witch To Live.'
5. 'It resembled a throne room'.
6. This, again, needs some rewording.
7. There should be a space after the last period in the ellipsis. The comma should be inside the parentheses and 'spoke' should be capitalised.
8. This comma should be a semi-colon as 'clear her mind was off somewhere else' is a main clause.'
9. During genuflection the head isn't anywhere near the ground. But, I'll again let this slide as it's a fantasy setting.
10. 'Being summoned by Markus himself could only mean either of the two; Life or Death.'


quote:


"Raise your head, Jeanne 1. D'Arc"

She raised her head 2. slowly, her eyes moved cautiously trying to avoid eye contact with the Grand Inquisitor.

"What of Janeas Radrvor 3. ?", asked Markus.

"Executed, your Holiness."

"And the evidence?"

"B-Burned...I-..We dutifully searched every library and...destroyed every book, scroll, manuscript and codex that mentions his name. We tracked every relative of known to the Radrvors and put them into silence. Th-There is no longer any trace that the man known as Janeas Radrvor ever existed 3. .", her voice wavered with each word, full of nervousness.

"Excellent. No son of the King should ever taint their ears with such a wicked name 3. .", Markus clasped his hands and nodded in approval.

"I have been pleased by your performance lately, Captain. Thanks to your vigorous efforts, we have greatly thinned potential seeds of trouble that would sow problems for the Kingdom in the future."

A smile awkwardly formed on Jeanne's face. She wasn't sure on how to receive the compliment.

"I-I am greatly honored, your Holiness. Do you have any order 3. s?", her tone now 4. hinted some confidence.

Markus stroked his gray beard, and shifted his pale blue eyes to his left.

"Yes. Yes, in fact. We have a mission right now of great importance that could use your services."

The aged Grand Inquisitor snapped his finger and one of the mysterious seated men came down towards the kneeling Jeanne. He held with him an ashen banner with symbol of a skull impaled upon a crucifix.

Jeanne recognized it all too well. It designated missions regarding the 5. purgation and eradication of the unholy forces of the undead. Though this job was mostly left to the Order of the Light, it must have been somehow implicated with the Inquisition.

The man brought out a scroll and began reading it in a low, gravelly voice.

"Varhaedil, an instructor of the dark arts in the Sword Haven Magic Academy, has gone rogue and 6. went into hiding for over two years now. Upon request of the Dean of Higher Thaumaturgy, the Inquisition has located him and 8. now a necromancer operating in the most southern part of Doomwood. Varhaedil is purportedly to have stolen a number of important tomes of sorcery and has with him great and dangerous secrets of the Academy. In accepting a code of silence, the Dean wishes that he be executed as soon as possible and the retrieval of the arcane tomes."

1. Period after Arc.
2. The comma should be a semi-colon.
3. All these commas outside paretheses are unnecessary. In addition, the words after them should be capitalised.
4. 'Hinted' doesn't flow in accordance with the sentence. I think another word should go where 'hinted' is.
5. 'Purging'.
6. 'Been in hiding'.

quote:


"The insufferable fool also took with him an abhorred book called "The Black Library of Noxus" from the King's Librareum Vault. We cannot allow this sacrilege and treachery to pass!", Markus' withered bony face turned red with scorn, and his eyes now blazed with anger.

"Understood, your Holiness."

With a solemn bow, Jeanne and her company left the chamber.

***

"Your Holiness, Varhaedil has with him one of the most potent books of necromancy. I would suggest resupplying and refreshing Jeanne's troops."

"No. That is too costly. Just send in 'Heaven Breaker' instead to aid her."

"At once, your Holiness."

***

The open balcony gave way to a wonderful view of the blue, midnight sky. The vast heavens formed a beautiful celestial orchestra. The dazzling stars twinkled with some sort of mysterious significance. Jeanne stared above, her eyes gazing into the distance of space. The midnight wind made her suit of armor cool, hugging her girlish frame with the frigid embrace of steel. The icy, autumn air sent a slight chill to her exposed shoulders, seeping into her skin.

The young maiden, Lady Inquisitor or Captain as some may call her, savored this moment of refreshing solitude; a rather nice pause from the hellish tasks of ridding the land of traitorous sorcerors and unholy, ruinous powers who seek to harm the sons of the King.

"Captain, If you may excuse me."

Came a voice from the balcony door.

"What is it, Inquisitor?", spoke Jeanne, who was still enjoying the soothing calmness.

"When do we mobilize? We are armed and ready, awaiting your command, Captain."

She contracted her eye brows, and opened her bright sapphire eyes.

"Soon, Inquisitor. We march to South Doomwood by dawn."


At an adjacent tower, on its spire roof, stood a figure dressed in a nun-like dress. Her left arm shimmered as brilliant colors flowed along her crystalline skin. Her face was deathly pale, and her eyes were crimson red with a cat-like iris. Her raven hair was long and flowed like water along her slender back.

"I can't wait to meet you, little Jeanne", She smiled, then vanished into the night.





< Message edited by Helixi -- 12/31/2011 18:00:06 >
AQ DF  Post #: 374
12/26/2011 5:37:01   
lordkaho
Creative!


Finished editing most of the errors you cited in Prologue part 1 and 2. I shall work on Chapter 2 maybe later.

quote:

Eh? You said earlier they weren't going. I think this is just a case of you not clarifying what's going on very well.


I reworded it. She meant that they were moving in for the kill, not retreating.

quote:

What energy? You haven't mentioned this earlier.


Here.

quote:

Suddenly, a dark column of light stabbed the heavens, crackling like mad as it went.




< Message edited by lordkaho -- 12/26/2011 5:40:02 >
DF MQ  Post #: 375
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