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RE: (DF) The Hounds of God- Discussion

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10/12/2011 4:39:39   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @lordkaho: D.U.M. H.Q. is a secret system of tunnels which connect to a cavernsystem inhabited by Dravir who were loyal to Gorgok back when he was still alive and now home to dravir who are fighting amongst themselves now they are lacking a strong leader.

Noir seems to act as Jeanne's big sister, perhaps she tires of (un)living if she chooses to get close with that girl.


Could you tell me what Jeanne's general view on dragons and woodland monsters (Sneevils, Boveoxes, Unicougars) is?

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 10/12/2011 4:54:15 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 101
10/12/2011 5:13:54   
lordkaho
Creative!
quote:

Noir seems to act as Jeanne's big sister, perhaps she tires of (un)living if she chooses to get close with that girl.


You could say it something like that. Even though, Jeanne flat out refuses to return her feelings, Noir enjoys her "strong willed" and feisty nature.

About dragons and wood land creatures, well she is pretty neutral about them. For her, they are a simply part of nature. What really pulls her strings are people who sacrifice their humanity (or whatever race they are) by dabbling into corruptive magic. Well to be honest, she hates these types of people more compared to mere spies and traitors, as shown in the her interaction with Janeas as compared to Sepulchure and Varhaedil.

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 10/12/2011 5:20:46 >
DF MQ  Post #: 102
10/12/2011 5:23:09   
Mortarion
Member

quote:

I... uh...

Is this not "DF meets WH40K: The fanfic"?
quote:



I looled at that
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 103
10/16/2011 4:02:28   
Glais
Member

2 Chapters to go, minus the interlude. I found the "To add to their growing severed head collection" quite funny xP

quote:

I... uh...

Is this not "DF meets WH40K: The fanfic"?

xD
Anyways, very nice so far, really enjoying what I've read, so much in fact I want to start my own story, I'm just not sure how to do it...

_____________________________
DF MQ  Post #: 104
10/16/2011 5:52:13   
lordkaho
Creative!


 ^

Make that 3. Chapter 6 is up!
DF MQ  Post #: 105
10/16/2011 6:17:13   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

as betraying Our King's trust


Was the capital letter intentional?

quote:

And with a slam of his wooden gavel, judgment had been delivered and no further questions can pry off his decision for it was final.


could

quote:

The knights, though highly respecting of her and one of her most loyal companions, had no choice but to drag her out of the court room by force, while its heavy iron doors steadily closed shut behind them.


If it's knights, I think it should be "among(st)".

quote:

angrily replied the gnome as he returned the vial rightfully back in place


the gnome angrily replied

quote:

I thought the Inquisition doesn't allow other races to join the order.


didn't

quote:

Well, because unlike other gnomes I can make various types of bombs and concussions and other stuff that go 'KA-BOOM!


I could not help but chuckle at this.

Well, I'd say we can expect some bonding-attempts from Noir soon. It'd be interesting to see. Noticed the reference by the way.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 106
10/16/2011 6:30:13   
lordkaho
Creative!


 Thanks. Fixed them good.

About the 'Our' thing, yes. They do revere Alteon as a god, with the Grand Inquisitor to a minor extent. You do capitalize it right? Correct me if i'm wrong.

Glad, you liked it. Though for Noir, 'defrosting an Ice Queen'...better yet 'Calming a raging flame' such as Jeanne wouldn't be easy.

As for the reference, you mean the Orcs right? Well to be honest, the first time I was educated with AE orcs was through your story so the Doc was the first thing that came into mind with regards to bombs.



< Message edited by lordkaho -- 10/16/2011 6:31:32 >
DF MQ  Post #: 107
10/16/2011 10:52:55   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


 @lordkaho, i did some reading and i found just one typo in the prologue, grieves is rightly spelled as greaves, the prologue is extremely well written, however, the part where the knight kills himself is somewhat poorly described, for people who are not good readers, you may need to write something that clearly states that the knight killed himself.
I would really like to read it further.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 108
10/17/2011 0:16:02   
lordkaho
Creative!


 ^

Reworded the sentence. Thanks by the way.
DF MQ  Post #: 109
10/17/2011 1:29:05   
Glais
Member

Alright, so I'm finally caught up. I dislike that you killed off her team, but at least Sir Vice lived AND it did further the plot.
Also, you tend to use the phrase "Azure eyes" all the time, which isn't bad but it gets repetitive.

Enough with the bad, this has become very interesting, mostly because we have some actual characters now, like the Gnome man and such.

Also, a question for future use, what does Jeanne and the Inquisition think of half Dragons/Vartai? I know they have no bias to Dragons, but they seem relatively racist so itseemed worth asking.
I would ask about WereWolves but I'm pretty sure they're up there wit Vampires on "list of things to kill."

Also, what's an Ulgathi?
DF MQ  Post #: 110
10/17/2011 2:52:06   
lordkaho
Creative!
quote:

I dislike that you killed off her team


It shows on how she gives little value to her men. It is something that will haunt her in the future and is one point that will help mold her character.

quote:

"Azure eyes"


My bad here. I'll fix that later.

About racist views, I have mentioned earlier that races such as dragons and their other draconic cousins suffer no discrimination from the Order as long as they don't dabble with the darker side of magic. However, even though it is supposedly a neutral element, Darkness is still considered an "evil" element mostly due to common perception.

Then there's Jeanne. 3-4 pages earlier, I had a short "discussion" with Mortarion on how Jeanne would react to seeing his character and I said that "it won't be pretty." Jeanne cares less about races but rather on how creatures look. Safe to say, wild beasts such as Gorillaphants and Boveouxes would not affect her but if you look like something belched from the very twisted core of netherworld, good intentions or not, she will try to kill you at first sight. Having the faint scent of the afterlife and death would also get you nowhere. Jeanne would probably respect Vartai as they are blessed with their 'holy' dragon* blood (King Alteon's symbol is a golden dragon right?), but as for Werewolves; she would find them just as worse as vampires.

In short, she's even worse than the Order itself.

quote:

Also, what's an Ulgathi?


Ulgathi is another term for Orc.

*The Inquisition possesses a jet black dragon hidden far below the Catacombs. They have a huge reason to respect the majestic beasts.


< Message edited by lordkaho -- 10/17/2011 7:47:47 >
DF MQ  Post #: 111
10/17/2011 3:00:47   
Glais
Member

quote:

It shows on how she gives little value to her men. It is something that will haunt her in the future and is one point that will help mold her character.

Don't get me wrong, I understand this, it's a good writing move, I just meant I personally didn't like it because I liked the team aspect it gave, also at the beginning it seemed like she did care for her men so...?

Ah so Vartai good, Wolves bad. That's an interesting note, I'd figured at first vartai'd be up there on the bad list. Which is good since my characters are generally Vartai xP
Sucks to be a wolf though.

Alteon's symbol varies, but it's a Dragon in DF and AQW regardless of color and logo.
DF MQ  Post #: 112
10/17/2011 3:09:51   
lordkaho
Creative!
quote:

also at the beginning it seemed like she did care for her men so...?


spoiler:

Guess again. The prologue is set in the future.
DF MQ  Post #: 113
10/17/2011 3:19:00   
Glais
Member

I figured, actually, I'm not even sure why I bothered with that >_>
DF MQ  Post #: 114
10/20/2011 1:25:38   
lordkaho
Creative!


 Chapter 7 Intro is up.
DF MQ  Post #: 115
10/20/2011 1:27:15   
Glais
Member

Weird, I wonder who this sun woman is...
DF MQ  Post #: 116
10/20/2011 2:22:16   
lordkaho
Creative!


 Oh, she'll be fun.
DF MQ  Post #: 117
10/20/2011 14:44:36   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @lordkaho: The new chapter reminds me of the legends of Luminovia.

Also, from what I understand Jeanne would likely become obsessed with Azer.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 118
10/24/2011 11:37:56   
.Discipline
Member

Hmmmm... I'm liking these new chapters. Just about to go through and come up with some corrections and suggestions, but this is going along well and I see several different opportunities to tie this in with my own work. Well done, Kaho, your writing is almost as interesting as your art.

quote:

Since I've got nowehere to go

Nowhere, prolly a typo.

quote:

You, on the other hand however, is a big NO-NO

'You, however (or just 'on the other hand'), ARE a big no-no.' You mixed tenses here and did a double connective. That, ironically, is a big grammatical no-no. (also, you don't need to put no-no in capitals unless Lorch is stressing/shouting it)

quote:

Be careful with this!

Be careful with that. (The object of the sentence has already been determined, so it takes 'that' instead of 'this', 'this' is only used when the object is being determined either within the sentence or by character actions. One of the stranger rules of English.)

quote:


with such nicknames they gave you I'd rather not ask what it is

Wording feels clunky, I'd go with 'With such nicknames I'd rather not ask what those skills (or 'they') are.'

quote:

"No. You may call her as 'Queen of the Vampires'...Safiria."

"No. You might know her as The Queen of the Vampires... Safiria."
The way you had worded it was ungrammatical, I can't come up with the exact rule off the top of my head.

That's about all I can pick out for now.

Keep up the great work!

< Message edited by .Discipline -- 10/24/2011 11:59:56 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 119
10/25/2011 1:49:04   
lordkaho
Creative!


 Thanks, .Discipline, never knew there a quite a handful of errors there

quote:

Be careful with this!


Lorch was already carrying the vial in his hand though, that's why I used "this" instead of "that". I think I failed to make it more evident so I added something to make it more clear.

Anyway, Chapter 7 (the other half) is up!
DF MQ  Post #: 120
10/25/2011 7:38:52   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

And if she doesn't find them soon, all that she's been fighting for will be all for naught.


didn't, she'd, would all have been for naught.

I'm sure you'd like another prophetic dream that's been stuck in my head for some time, just by reading your story again.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 121
10/25/2011 8:44:37   
lordkaho
Creative!


 Care to elaborate, DD?
DF MQ  Post #: 122
10/25/2011 8:52:48   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @lordkaho: A scenario Jeanne would approve, looking at what the Inquisitors' H.Q. look like.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 123
10/25/2011 9:22:24   
lordkaho
Creative!


 Dont tell me,
spoiler:

The Inquisition crumbles and disbands, then Gorgok sets the abandoned catacombs as the D.U.M. fortress for his Dravir army?
DF MQ  Post #: 124
10/25/2011 9:51:13   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 @lordkaho:
spoiler:

While that is a nice theory and the D.U.M. would most likely take interest in the abandoned catacombs (as they most likely already have), they are not exactly friends of Gorgok.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 125
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