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RE: (HS) Who Needs a Medical License? *Revised Form* Discussion

 
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12/2/2011 22:49:38   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


Ash in the mouth... ugh. That's one of the reasons I don't think SkullDeep would work out well in real life. That, and the poisonous gasses.

Your ramblings there about your escape make you sound a little crazy there, too. XD

Well, it seems you now have a couple skeptical allies in the world, at least... I wonder if anyone would find it suspicious that you were not particularly active in your criminal fighting activities, if you decide not to have being a super hero as your main career choice.

I wonder if he actually needs to pant, or if that's instinctual after such exercise, as well... hmm...

Aaand there's the end of the chapter...

I dislike that the police are seemingly corrupt in that reality; Either that, or they are way too presumptuous for my tastes.

Yes, I agree. Strebor's being there could worsen the situation quite alot...

Gah... Imbeciles, murderous scum, and fools all...

Yeah, I was thinking the hands could have been severed as well...

I hope that isn't a jet pack that actually uses flames for propulsion... XD

Miniguns over a populated area? Who teaches those fools tactics, videogamers? With explosive rounds? I MEAN, WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!

Ah, parking garages: The best place for Urban Guerilla Warfare. XD

I liked the fact that he can slow down effectively in such a short period of time. It makes for great comedic moments.

I like Sarrah. Too bad I expect her to die an innocent victim in this conflict... or at least that would make for a tragic moment that could improve the story's flow.

I wondered if that was Celestin or me... just like the first time. XP

Nice entrance, overall. I'm actually sortof glad that wasn't me. If it was, it would have been a bit out of character for me.

"I never liked comic books..." Hehe... nice.

My mention by Celestin makes me wonder if I will play a larger part than just a cameo about there.


< Message edited by Drakkoniss -- 12/2/2011 22:51:56 >
DF  Post #: 76
12/3/2011 0:21:35   
Kinzdor
Member

Um just so you know The Dealer (aka Megekyle) Started a clan called OmniCorp.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 77
12/3/2011 0:52:56   
Goldstein
Member

Drakkoniss, everyone is going to get a big, big role. And kinzvlle, I gave megakyle the name OmniCorp, so that's okay!
Post #: 78
12/3/2011 1:10:18   
Kinzdor
Member

Oh I feel dumb now. Over all pretty good story.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 79
12/3/2011 3:09:59   
Shadowlord9k
Member

It's been a while since my last comment. Oh well.

.
quote:

“Your ID, Surgeon General,” a young woman said as Strebor walked out. It didn’t have his picture, but it had his DNA code. They must have taken a sample during the sanitization process. Sneaky buggers. “Also, the post office sent over all your uncollected mail. In the future, you’ll receive mail here.”

Wait, wouldn't the mail be addressed to Strebor Goldstein? And wouldn't they try to kill the (assumed) mass murderer? Also isn't a person's DNA code REALLY long?

quote:

APB's roamed the streets. They always made Strebor nervous. Were they watching you? Was someone watching you through them? Who knew? They always seemed to be staring at him, and a few times, Strebor swore that he caught them staring at him even as he passed by them.

And now that song is stuck in my head again.

quote:

I’d like to know you’re real name.”
“He’s Strebor Goldenstein,” 

Typo. And isn't it just Goldstein?


quote:

“I’m not lying! If I wanted to murder everyone with the LEECH, do you think I would have let this happen?”

Well.......kinda, you did eliminate a good bit of the population.

quote:

Strebor tore his gloves off and held them up for all to see. The soft yellow light accentuated the red arteries and veins, the few spots where bone was visible seemed old and worn. “Not very attractive, are they?” Strebor said, sounding like he was on the verge of tears.

Nothing a axe and ducttape can't fix.

quote:

“I was kidnapped by Mr. Mavet, the CEO of OmniCorp, when I threatened to tell everyone about the LEECHs. They forced me to improve the technology of the LEECH, and I did…but eventually I snapped, and they kept me locked in a cage. For weeks I went without human contact, and I went a little crazy. Then a lovesick cyborg helped me escape, then I registered with the DOV, and then I found out that my parents had died while I was locked up,

Kinda makes me wonder what -is- exactly in that ash...might also help explain the insanity.

quote:

“Yeah. They keep an eye on me, and I can get away with a lot of different crimes. So long as I’m pursuing a bad guy.”

"Sorry for robbing that bank, Evil Steve -just- got away this time"
Now that is abusable.

quote:

The door swung open, and Strebor rose to his feet. Experimental, looking very bruised and very tired, stood in the doorframe. His hair was wild, and he was panting like a dog. 
“Dr. Strebor? What are you doing, ah, never mind, it doesn’t matter. There are people with guns, from OmniCorp, right behind me. That’s, that’s kind of my fault. Sorry.”

Is knocking not in your programming?
Oh and thanks for dooming us all, and somehow figuring out Goldstein's location.

quote:

Maybe they didn’t see me…” 
The sounds of helicopter blades was suddenly heard outside the window. “This is the SCPD! If you are capable of communicating, rogue AI, then come out with your hands up! We will shoot if you do not comply!”

They'll shoot you even if you comply.

quote:

OmniCorp logo on the tail.

I wonder what that logo would even look like...

quote:

They’re working together. Do you really think the SCPD can afford a helicopter?

The news station has a copter. police could get a copter.

quote:

"There’s only a few bullets in there.”

Famous last words.



quote:

"Bedrooms are terrible places to fight.” 
“How would you know?”

Personal Experience.

quote:

“There is no slow down!” Experimental yelled back.

Brakes? Where we are going we dont need no brakes.

quote:

“Hold on tight, time to see how good I am at evasive maneuvers!”

That, like everything else you say, is not filling me with confidence.

quote:

“C’est la vie, you bits of trash!” the pilot said gleefully, and he squeezed the mini-guns’ trigger.

That's French, isn't it?

quote:

, an angel hit the bottom of the helicopter and pushed it and its mini-guns upwards. No, not an angel, just a man with angel wings.

I would say something on the lines of since Celestin's is technically a alien one could subscribe to the "Ancient Aliens" theory and say that Celestin's race was angels. But I am too lazy.

quote:

“You guys are good guys, right?” he asked. “Because the creepy bird mask is throwing me off.”

You punched a helicopter to death and NOW you ask if they are on the same side?

quote:

Another man that was but a shadow was leaping from rooftop to rooftop, just for the fun of it. A few more characters, indistinguishable, moving so fast, chased after the shadow. They might have been females.

I find it funny that the person just going for a rooftop jog is getting chased by multiple people who could be trying to help the other heroes. But no. Just chase the jogger. 

quote:

“Everything all right?” Experimental asked from behind.

Are your visual receptors damaged? Just LOOK at it all. A JOGGER. ON THE ROOFTOPS. OH THE HUMANITY.

That car must have been made of explodium because cars do not explode like that normally. Before you ask, MythBusters

Now to the comments.
quote:

Miniguns over a populated area? Who teaches those fools tactics, videogamers? With explosive rounds? I MEAN, WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!

Try to use the heavy's minigun at range. I dare you. And rockets don't do too well if you can see and dodge them.

quote:

Ah, parking garages: The best place for Urban Guerilla Warfare. XD

Don't hit a car alarm...

quote:

My mention by Celestin makes me wonder if I will play a larger part than just a cameo about there.

Well you were "seen" a little bit later.

< Message edited by Shadowlord9k -- 12/3/2011 3:13:09 >
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 80
12/3/2011 10:08:29   
Goldstein
Member

quote:

Wait, wouldn't the mail be addressed to Strebor Goldstein? And wouldn't they try to kill the (assumed) mass murderer? Also isn't a person's DNA code REALLY long?

That is very, very, VERY subtle foreshadowing. So subtly, not even Strebor picked up on it.

quote:

I wonder what that logo would even look like...

A globe in front of a compass (the pointy thing you use to draw with.)

quote:

Typo. And isn't it just Goldstein?

Thanks, and no, it's Goldenstein. I'm not Strebor, just a chronicler of his misadventures.

quote:

The news station has a copter. police could get a copter.

The news station is a private company. The police have had severe budget cuts, and the news station isn't very good at sharing.

quote:

Miniguns over a populated area? Who teaches those fools tactics, videogamers? With explosive rounds? I MEAN, WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!

They were taught to not give a crap about civilian causalities. And up against a robot, you want explosive rounds.
Post #: 81
12/3/2011 10:13:51   
Vector
Member
 

then again, HE rounds don't fare too well against cast iron :P

< Message edited by Vector -- 12/3/2011 10:14:07 >
Post #: 82
12/3/2011 10:34:05   
Kinzdor
Member

Wait we do they need a helicopter? Can`t APBS fly?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 83
12/3/2011 10:36:52   
Goldstein
Member

I always thought they just...hovered.
Post #: 84
12/3/2011 11:55:38   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


Well, yes, I realize that we are. What I mean is that it makes me think I am going to be inserted into the story sooner, rather than later, and play a larger role in the next few chapters specifically than any random one of the others might. That is speculation based on a single line, but still, that makes me think that, through dent of being mentioned at all, and do to my character's fame in that universe, presuming the Chaos Riots were effectively the same, that you were going to pay me a visit rather soon.

An alternate theory that comes to mind is that that may just foreshadow you coming to me at some later point in the story, and not immediately. Hard to tell for sure at this point, but meh, it is a hunch based off of a single line.

I was thinking the same thing with regards to the mail, SL9K. I am guessing someone knows he is Strebor in the higher ranks of that organization, but has decided to give him a chance to prove himself, while still keeping him under surveilance. I already indicated the DNA code is very long. Perhaps that just either has a code that will indicate a person's DNA after scanning it, or indicates only the sections of DNA that give him his Super Powers. Hard to say.

Yes, he is Goldstein in the story. I am guessing he made a typo by virtue of the fact that his in-game name is Doctor Goldenstein.

An axe, duct tape, and perhapse Molecular Reconstruction. XP

I am guessing the ash contains carbon and possibly sulfur, seeing as SkullDeep sits over an active volcano. To be fair, though, I am not sure if sulfur can bond with carbon, and I am too lazy at the moment to check.

You know, he could rob the bank along with Evil Steve, as a part of an infiltration gig (or saying it is, if he got cought; rofl), and then bust him and possibly his higher ups later... LOGIC!!! lol

He didn't figure out Strebor's location; It was completely random coincidence that he went into the exact same room right after Strebor entered it and convinced the local population he was a god, or whatever actually happened there. *harumphs*

Yep, they will shoot him if he complies, which is funny, considering the fact that they made no attempt whatsoever to hide that fact. I presume they were thinking the AI in his programing was/is extremely primative, and were trying to trick him into going into the line of fire. Either that, or, you know, their a bunch of idiots, fools, and bloodthirsty maniacs/were paid off. *bursts out into a fit of laughter*

YOU ARE LUCKY WE STILL HAVE THE SCHEMATICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (after bringing back the wreckage of what used to be Experimental) XP

THINK WITH YOUR MIND, NOT YOUR EVILISHNESS, YOU MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I find that entire situation very funny, in this view I have from the comforts of a computer desk chair. I would probably actually care about the situation if it was happening in real life, and I was my character.

The real question is whether or not they could get an attack helicopter. *nods as if their decision made sense*

Ikr? "There's only a few bullets in there..." *explosion whipes out the entire side of the building*

It would be true, though, if Experimental wasn't some sort of super robot designed to be able to face armed opponents effectively. Katanas especially are not very good for fights in the bedroom (no space to swing horrizontally, and the roof tends to be a bit low for swinging unless you are very careful, and very skilled).

Nope, completely ammeteurish, but very funny, especially considering that it somehow actually worked for effective bullet dodging. XD

Oh, and yes, that is French, unless I am mistaken, in case Goldstein has not answered that.

Nice quote, by the way. Sadly, I don't remeber where it was from, but awesome nonetheless.

Then again, SL9K, considering the fact that the Devil is already confirmed to exist (blame Star Screamer), I say there's a good chance of there being real angels. Also, I believe Celestin confirmed his race is not a race of angels. To be fair, being a child at the time his race collapsed, and not (probably) having his pseudo-father tell him, it's hard to say if he could really know that. From the perspective of the fact that he confirmed that as a writer, however, it gives me more confidence in his word on the matter.

Yes, now he asks if they are on the same side, because that is who Celestin is, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Also, the helicopter was endangering innocent civilians, to be fair, or at least putting them in danger. I am guessing there are many cases of injury/death from shrapnel incursion into the body.

To be fair, explosive rounds, man. The car not be made of explodium, cha.

Oh, and yes, I suppose that's a bit funny, but then again, that shadow man could be evil, like in the movies! XD

To be fair, miniguns are actually still able to hit their target very well at range (volume of bullets, along with the fact that they are still in a basically straight line helps). It's just the fact that the target was so small and fast that saved them.

Yes, I realize I was in that chapter. I did say it was a hunch, earlier in this post. XD

I picked up on it. It seems relatively obvious, if you aren't dazed and confused, in a hurry, and know enough.

That logo reminds me of the Free Masons...

O.o He IS named Goldenstein in there, too? /facepalm

I REFUSE TO EDIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I know. Experimental was meant to be a war machine, and high explosive rounds would be the best way to deal with him effectively, other than HE, penetrative, and incindiary power in a single round, which they have. It is just that it seems ridiculous, them being the police (or thought to be, considering you later said the officer was dead in the cockpit, which makes that make alot more sense).
I suppose there's also the fact that the situation is obviously different, and new policies would be in play based on the fact that they face super villains, and not normal criminals, or at least mixxed in with the ranks of them, anyway.

Well, Kinzvlle, to be fair, we only see the hacked APBs flying, which means it could be a modification. In addition to that, the fact that it is a Experimental specifically could have influenced their decision, making them go with higher fire power, rather than sending in the APBs, because they could have been relatively easily defeated/destroyed.

Oh, and Vector, the HE rounds may not be TOO effective on him, in the ways of instant killing, perhaps, but it is a minigun, which means the volume of fire could probably shred him if a good stream hit. Along with that, the force would probably dent his armor, possilby damaging internal organs/machine parts, and besides that, the jetapack could easily be destroyed. That is without even thinking of the passengers (Experimental is the prime target, after all).
DF  Post #: 85
12/3/2011 13:00:08   
Vector
Member
 

that's why i said not too well, bud *laughs*. think of the cast iron against HE rounds as like kevlar against standard rounds. eventually the armor would fail.
Post #: 86
12/3/2011 13:44:09   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


And so, my point is made. :)

rofl
DF  Post #: 87
12/3/2011 19:44:52   
Celestin123
Member

Hm...I realize that I haven't commented in a long time, but do not worry for that certainly does
NOT mean that I haven't been reading your story, Doctor.

Now, to comment on chapter 5...

A bit funny, how some people thought of Strebor as the next big Christian Prophet while others condemned him to hell...
Interesting how he described it as 'intoxicating'. The letters apparently seemed to amuse him...

I don't really like Edwen... I can't comment much on him though...partially because I don't remember him much, and
partially because I have other, more important things to comment on...

Interesting how the text seemed to annoy Strebor. Then again, it did have pretty bad timing and would annoy almost
anyone at such a time.

Sarah sure did let her view on Strebor change easily... still, it's understandable, it's understandable, since girls usually
dislike being treated badly, but usually don't tell their lover for fear of break-ups, or worse... but apparently Sarah
was actually brave enough to actually break up with Strebor...

It was a bit unsensitive of Strebor to think that it wasn't the time to think of silly girls, since some people would forget what they'd be
doing and immediately go to find the girl. I suppose that's partially why Sarah broke up with him, since she probably
felt unimportant to him and wasn't his first priority, at the moment.

Interesting to note how quickly Mr. Pood went from healthy to dead, but it's understandable.

Yup. Strebor was kidnapped. Again.

Now, on to chapter 6...

I see you replaced Igor with Cram. Personally, I like the name Igor better, but I do see how it's a bit cliche.

The two doctors didn't get along very well... I wonder what kind of experiences they had with each other in the past.

ROBOT, eh? Very interesting interpretation of Psi. So child-like, makes it as if he was made not too long ago, which, in your story,
he probably was, made not too long ago, that is.

Hm... Strebor sure was impulsive at the time, when he impaled Dr. Shriner, that is.
It sure is an indecorous way to die. But, one might say he deserved it. Anywho, I wonder how Psi would react to such
a thing. It has been said that a group or scientists created him, so Dr. Shriner couldn't have been the sole
authority in charge of him, but he could've been more fond of Psi than his other creatos were...

How peculiar that Cram would 'howl with delight', from smashing Strebor's head into a desk.
He doesn't really seem like a sadistic character to me but, who knows?

Let's see Chatper 7 now.

Hm... I don't feel like commenting on Strebor's conversation with Mr. Mavet. Lol. xD

Although, I have noted that Strebor is starting to become more agressive and prone to lash out. But, it is understandable.

Strebor's fixation on the ROBOT is very fascinating. And, although I know that it's partially because you needed
a way to add him into that chapter, it is still very fascinating from a character-wise point of view.

It's funny how innocent and yielding the ROBOT sounded when talking with Strebor.

I can see how being imprisoned there for such a long time could drive someone to insanity.
It's also very interesitng how he could find out every nook and cranny through his dreams and fantasies.

Does he have latent psychic abilities, perhaps?
I doubt it, but you never know. Lol. xP

Strebor's crazy babbling is amusing. x3

On the whole Russian-talking bit, I think I translated it properly but I'm too lazy to post my translation here and ask if
it is correct. xD

I wonder why ROBOT would be running across Skulldeep. Lol. xD

Strange how ROBOT didn't seem to mind that you killed Shriner.

Chapter 8..

I wonder why Braun was transferred while Cram stayed...hm...
Cram wasn't the most competent scientist? REALLY? /end sarcasm

Lol, but seriously, it was bit foolish to trust someone like Cram with an entire lab and, even worse, trust
him to take care of it and possibly even help with advancements in science.

A five-eyed duck? O.o
Interesting. That makes me wonder why exactly Skulldeep would have their scientists experimenting on ducks.
Possibly to transform them into some kind of weapon, but I doubt it. Their sense of sight would probably be enhanced
with three extra eyes though...

Omniverosa...interesting. You made that up didn't you? I like the name.

I wonder how Experimental lost his memory... oh well.
I can understand why Strebor would want to wait till later to discuss Experimental's memory loss but
something tells me they never did discuss it...

The whole love/virus bit is amusing... Especially the comparing of love and a virus.
I wonder if Experimental's sudden decision to change his name from ROBOT to that was influenced by that...
then again, it also could've had something to do with Dr. Shriner's death.

Hm...interesting how Strebor could just knock the guy out like that. It makes me wonder why his powers
have actually never been elaborated on, or at least, not that I know of...although I do have a pretty good idea
as to what exactly it is.

Now, on to chapter 9...

Well of course the city would seem much more cheerful than it really was to Strebor after
experiencing all of that. xD

Interesting how the DoV was added into this version of the story.

O.o Since when do you need powers to join the DoV?
I don't quite recall that ever being mentioned... but that's interesting, to say the least.
I would think that, since it's a Department of vigilantes, they would allow individuals without powers to join...

Impressive. Strebor's powers seem to be developing.

Wow. Six foot, one? I had never actually imagined Strebor to be so tall...
that's good to know.

And only 144 pounds? Considering his astounding height, one would expect him to weigh more.
Although I suppose he must've lost a lot of weight while he was imprisoned... it makes sense.

Surgeon General? O.o
Interesting choice... I like it.
And yeah, it's a bit corny but you could have a worse superhero name. Lol. xD

The whole Sanitization bit was hilarious. xD
The intercom voice only made it more funny.
I wonder if the voice was a progammed voice or it was an actual voice, and if so, were they watching? O.o

Monkey masks? The audacity! How dare they allow people to run around looking like monkeys!

O.o John F. Kennedy? That's...interesting...

A plague bird mask... it fits. I like it.

So, they have his DNA code but not a picture of him? Then again, any pictures they could've possibly
taken of him would've been inapporpriate...

Urm...who would send mail to Surgeon General? I mean... how would he have mail?
Hm... perhaps the DoV already know that he's Strebor? O.o

I wonder why he would have so many bills if he he's been living in a cage for the last few weeks...

Wow. The letters were very, very sad and the link you included only made it sadder.
It was a very somber scene and you deserve props for pulling it off so skillfully.

The part where Strebor got shot was almost funny...but not quite.

Oh, cruel fate. How often would someone get shot only seconds after they discovered that their parents were dead?
I'm glad that Strebor managed to heal himself. It would've made a very, very, very sad but disappointing ending if
he died right then and there.

Okay, let's see chapter 10.

So Strebor had been imprisoned for weeks, and yet he still had money all this time?
Interesting, or did he maybe receive money from the DoV? It is possible, I suppose.

Crying in his sleep, huh? How somber... I've cried in my sleep before. It's a very sad thing...

Jeez, they really should fix up those hotels. Lol. xD

Interesting, I'd expect there to be more than one Berkeley listed in the phone book in a city as big as Super City.
Then again, the one Strebor looked in was outdated and for all we know there's more Berkeleys in a more recent phone book.

An Australian doorman? Or is he British? Hm...

Jeez, you'd think that Sarah would, at the very least, hear out Strebor before calling the police...

I see that Sarah's family is, at the very least, a bit wealthy.

I like this Mr. Berkeley character...
he seems very kind. Very wise.

Hm... I wonder what happened to her brother... I'm assuming he's dead, though.

Oh, Experimental... it seems he brought trouble with him.

Last chapter. Wooh, this has taken me quite a while.

Granddad's Grocers? xD Hm...

A bit foolish of that cop. He should've known what he was getting himself into..

It would've been funny but also a bit sad if they're hands did indeed get chopped off by Experimental's claws...

Hm... I'd expect a highly advanced cyborg like Experimental to be able to better control over his flying... xD

Jeez, that whole thing is getting way out of hand.

I see that I finally appeared in the story. xP

Hm... I don't think I'd really assume someone's alignment based on their fashion choice.
After all, most people who see me think I'm in the Chaos Carnival...
So, I doubt that the plague doctor mask would really throw me off.

Besides, depending on the severity of the situation, I'd just read their thoughts if I was really that confused.
Yeah, I'd probably find the whole 'Surgeon General' thing funny. xD

Interesting how I seemingly assumed that Strebor already knew Drakkoniss by mentioning him...

Well, you already know that you can do what you wish with my character...except kill him off, that is. xP
Besides the whole maks thing, you've portrayed him pretty accurately so far, although I should wait till her shows
up more to see just how well you portray him.

I see Drakkoniss seemed to be chasing a certain littlre hot air balloon containing a certain little someone. Lol. xD

O.o A man with tentacles? And he was apparently being apprehended by Thundersmite...

I see that Swamp Croc was fending off the police. Lol. xD

A shadow being chased by females, eh? Hm...

WELL COMIC BOOKS DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER! xD
I kid. I kid.

Gee, that scene was utterly chaotic. Clown would probably be filled with glee at the sight.

Well, the story just keeps getting better and better.
Brilliant writing, as usual, doc.


< Message edited by Celestin123 -- 12/4/2011 14:08:47 >
AQ  Post #: 88
12/3/2011 22:18:52   
Goldstein
Member

Let's just say, with the whole Cram being in charge of a whole lab thing, they forgot about him and he just kind of does his own thing. "His own thing," apparently, means genetically experimenting on ducks.

AND: C'est la vie means Such is life in French.

< Message edited by Goldstein -- 12/3/2011 22:20:13 >
Post #: 89
12/4/2011 12:10:37   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


Yeah... I find that a bit odd, too, Celestin. Religiously speaking, bringing someone back to life with science should not be something one would be condemned for, as I have already said, but what strikes me as odd is that people consider him to be a prophet before he's experienced any vissions or anything of the sort, any spiritual advice from God, or anything like that, either. What he actually did was figure something out based on scientific principles, and so, I find the addition of religious connotations before he even shows any signs of being profound in a spiritual sense to be ridiculous. The only reason I can think of for him even being thought of that way is mistaking his asking those who would be offended, or would disbelieve because of religion to leave for something indicating he had knowledge from a higher power of how to deal with such a situation, or something, and that's just a bit too much of a stretch for my tastes.

Well, Celestin, considering the fact that he just found out that his machine could have negative effects, up to and including death, as could be seen by the fact that the frog was deceased, I forgive him for that thought about not having time for her, especially since (if I remeber correctly) she had been doing things like that before, and overreacting over things that didn't matter too much, or at the very least, that's how it is portrayed from Strebor's point of view. I just checked, and yes, I was right in that regard. She was extremely panicky and overemotional regarding their relationship, it seems.

Her acting that way could betray mental problems, and have important consequences in the future chapters... Oh, and I believe that explains her odd behavior in the last chapter, which I believe was mentioned.

Experimental's childlike mentality might play an interesting part in this story, as well... I wonder how it shall effect things, and if Strebor will accidentally write his character in a different manner in future chapters...

I won't comment too much on your chpter 6 oppinions, though... On to lucky number seven...

I agree... his fixation on the Experimental ROBOT is very intriguing from a character-based point of view...

Experimental had memory loss... Oh, and Strebor stated that he was just mad there, and didn't actually know every nook and cranny, having it "all in his head", so to speak. He could potetnially have latent psychic powers, as I suggested before, but I am thinking that is as much of a random guess as saying Mavet has them.

Well, to be fair, it was a rathe horrible lab, and they probably just left him there so he wouldn't bother anyone.

Improved Duck Fart Gun, perhaps? XP

I don't know... his memory loss could be a foreboding hint at a villainous plot, behind the scenes...

Meh, I bet he'll elaborate later on on the powers bit.

I was thinking about that, as well... the lack of inclusion for those that do not have powers, that is.

As was I wondering if that was an advanced AI responding to Strebor in the Sanitation process, or an actual person... Hmm...

What I am wondering about the scene where he got shot is whether or not the guy stole the Makarov/whatever he had on him, or if Strebor left the gun on the street in his... less than hightened state of awareness, which was implied by how he said he could barely walk in and give the clerk money before getting to his room and passing out. If he DID manage to bring it with, kudos for him. What did he do with it afterword, and why did the clerk not react to him carrying a gun in?

Hope you are glad I responded to you in a longer fassion than Strebor. XP

Oh, and it wouldn't have been a sad end if he got brought back to life... lol
DF  Post #: 90
12/4/2011 14:43:53   
Goldstein
Member

Geez guys, my story isn't worth this level of discussion. Or is it?

Strebor still has the Makarov, yeah. The guy that shot him was an amateur, which is why he just hot him, freaked out, and ran off.

I certainly see Experimental's memory playing a large factor in the end.

Strebor's powers will be explained in the very next chapter, actually. Expect to see some differences!

And consider the implications of the LEECH. It could bring the dead back to life. And not just the recently dead, either. Imagine, an embalmed man. Fill him with the required organs, and bam. He's alive again. The idea of heaven and hell seem redundant when faced with immortality.
Post #: 91
12/4/2011 15:46:33   
Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!


That very much depends. yes, the LEECH could create potential immortality, and I already realized the possible implications of it, but still, it's based on science, not black magic, or something... It does, however remind me that Necromancy is listed in the Bible as an abomination to God. To go along with that statement, I would like you to realize that the LEECH, while being very useful, does have its limits. People who died in fires, people who got eaten by sharks, piranhas, ect., those completely obliterated in war, those who's bodies that could not be recovered, or decayed too much before being found, fossils. These examples still allow it to be plausible that death would still be quite relavent. Yes, I know, piranha attacks could potentially be less of a problem than others on the list, but still... Being crushed by a multi-ton animal might do it. Being lost at sea. Helicopter crashes.

You get my point.

Oh, and yes, Strebor, your story IS worth this level of commentary. It is very good... one of the best, I'd say, as would at least a couple others.

I'm not assuming her brother's dead, although that is a good possibility...

Yes, I found the "Granddad's Grocers" bit funny, too. XD

To be fair, that is after the Chaos Riots, so I would be quite well known.

Ouch... reservations about being killed off. Tough crowd. lol

I am not sure, but the man with tentacles might be Kinzvlle...

Indeed. Brilliant writing, and I hope it continues in such a fassion... well, maybe not exactly the same way, as you want the story to be varied, but you know what I mean...
DF  Post #: 92
12/10/2011 23:41:44   
Vector
Member
 

i can easily guess it's the naivete that makes 'experimental' so willing to do that, but then again i'm easily wrong most of the time :P

wait a minute... no vector! bad vector! guessing bad!

good to know the robot thing wanted a second opinion though
Post #: 93
12/11/2011 2:13:35   
Shadowlord9k
Member

Comments and stuff...I guess.
quote:

“Twenty dollars says that alligator destroys that cop car with its tail.”

He's a crocodile though.....right?

quote:

We were unsure what exactly to do after avoiding death by helicopter.

I'd say getting some new clothes on would probably be something to do.

quote:

your stress levels indicate that exams are coming around.”

Or they just barely dodged death. That would be pretty stressful. 

quote:

“I’m telepathic. I don’t like invading people’s privacy, but information like names are on the fringe on the mind.

Reason #5 of why I hate psychics.

quote:

“I’m not a mad doctor, I just got bullied by a corporation.”

As you take anti-insane pills. 

quote:

“It’s for mental psychosis,” he said flatly.

You don't say?

quote:

“I doubt a relationship with her would go well,” Drakkoniss said.

Reason 23.

quote:

He sighed. “Insanity is one of the main roots of evil on this Earth,” he said. “There’s Clown the Jester, and his entire Chaos Carnival. Star Screamer and is ilk. There’s that Agent Syrena, and there’s Swamp Croc, and Nerconmicus. Celestin hears voices, and he can barely maintain his pledge to the side of good. And you, you suffer from hallucinations, you’ve been wronged by everyone and everything, yet you control your insanity, and you still want to do good. That’s…admirable.”

I don't think Syrena or Croc are chaos though, and star screamer is...well...pretty predictable. Oh and you forgot PrimalVoldo or however it was spelled and Steve.

quote:

Oh, I’m an idiot, she thought as she sat down on the bare mattress, ripped up and spilling out fuzz, realizing just how absurd her plan was.

I've heard worse plans.

spoiler:

I mean seriously, who left all those shotguns just lying around. With full ammo too. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.




Vector: I would wonder where he would get a sword like that though.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 94
12/11/2011 8:12:35   
Vector
Member
 

beats the snot outta me, man.

regarding the spoiler, i would have to guess it's someone who planned such an event who even decided to let it happen!
Post #: 95
12/11/2011 12:22:16   
Kinzdor
Member

Hmm nice chapter though I thought you said The Dealer was going to be in this chapter.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 96
12/11/2011 12:35:43   
Sir Night
Member

Too bad I let myself get so far behind on reading everyone's stories. I'm almost caught up here, though, and I'll comment when I get caught up.

< Message edited by Sir Night -- 12/11/2011 12:37:15 >
Post #: 97
12/11/2011 13:16:37   
Goldstein
Member

Eh, this chapter had lots of exposition, the next one will have more action and things happening, including Sarah and Strebor simultaneously training, Experimental on his date, and the Dealer. I'm not going to spoil what he does. ;)

Also, what do you guys think of the perspective shift to first-person? Did I handle it well? Do you prefer it to the third-person?
Post #: 98
12/11/2011 13:53:44   
Kinzdor
Member

I like it. You did good. With first person you can focus on your characters opinions about the events going on.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 99
12/11/2011 14:10:32   
Vector
Member
 

keep the first person. if anything else, i might be able to learn a few lessons from you XD

seriously though, it was an interesting change. i say keep at it so i could be able to compare your first and third person narratives fairly
Post #: 100
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