Drakkoniss
Creative!
Constructive!
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Now.. I think I will follow my whims, in this case, and read your story. It's been quite some time. XP
Hmm... This makes me realize that I had been commenting on your new chapter before, but that the commentary was somehow lost... That may have been why I stopped commentin on it, now that I think of it.
I dislike that man's point of view about what is actually his, and what isn't. Also, given the fact that this specific store has been hit multiple times before, it makes me wonder if the police won't be monitering it more closely than other locations, and if they couldn't have been letting it be targeted again as specifically so that they could catch the culprits (a stakeout leads to calling in backup, in other words, especially considering the apparent Smasher activity; likewise, his actions could lead to such a thing happening later, and/or the police acknowledging your little group, which would lead to their future demise, so to speak; while the police are almost certainly short-handed, and most likely targeting smasher-related threats more than others, there is still that possibility, especially with cases involving repeated events/offences). Something to think of for later, perhaps. Makes me somewhat sad/disappointed to hear/read that such a criminal would be stupid enough to target the same place so many apparent times. (oh, and while the police would take Smasher threats more seriously, there is a very good chance that they would not take all of them, do to the smashers cobating them, as well; there is also the factor of the police emergency response policy; quite alot of things probably go into their actual actions, and they would be somewhat different than in any other city specifically because of the Smasher populus [est. 1000, but with the majority of them inactive, at that time, I would think; this would include villains and those that are either neutral to the intactions between heroes and villains, or choose not to use their powers for non-mundane purposes; thusly, probably 100-200 or so on either side that are actually deeply involved in the crime/fighting thereof of the city])
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“Well, looks like we picked the wrong night for a raid. Some other gang came, and apparently they were hoping to raid this store instead,” Will explained.
Whoops. And what are the chances of that happening, in one of the largest and most crime-filled cities in the country (apparently)? XD
On a more serious note, nice choice of events. I hadn't thought of something like that. Livens up the story, and gives it more depth overall. Shows that unexpected things with seemingly no precedence can and will happen.
Arg... I'm still not at my best, concentration-wise/intellectually, having just gotten up, eaten, and taken my pills. Ah well, though. I suppose I'm well enough off for the purpose at hand. Unfortunately, though, it's making the story not sink in as much as I would like. :/
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but if any of them are Smashers, he could be in trouble.
Or if they have guns and are coordinated in any way. By this, I mean that things could get quite problematic, with ranged weapons involved, unless all targets are taken out at once, or if you have sufficient cover, and the environment doesn't interfere... which makes me wonder just what things are in this drug store, and what its catching on fire could lead to, potentially. It also reminds me that if guns are heated enough the bullets will explode inside of them. (you don't have to include that in the story in any way, though; most people ignore that principle, anyway, as it provides for a certain level of uncertainty and weakness in their characters that tends to lead to the story not being quite so straightforeward as they'd like) That principle is why you don't throw bullets into camp fires, people! lol
/me imagines them getting across the aisles just soon enough to be engulfed in flame from a loose burst, having come out on the wrong side; That would also give the problem of being too close to the opposition's people for other reasons, such as potential hostage situations. That could provide a big problem. I know that's not going to happen (at least from what I read; it might... I wasn't at the end of the chapter), but still. Makes for a good point to take into account, later. Might help with the crafting of your story in general, to take such things into account. Plots being what they are, they have to follow certain paths to both be realistic and go the way you want them, but regardless...
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The flames were a bright blue-white color
I love the realistic useage of color, there. Usually, people don't actually keep what color flames are in real life into account with such things, and either explain it away or allow it to be just whatever they want for the purpose of the story, and drama.
WOOT!!! THE POLICE ARE ACTUALLY COMPETANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (enough for story purposes)
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“The cops,” Mila muttered. “How convenient of them to show up, now that everybody’s out of danger.”
Don't you just love that? Then again, in such a confrontation, it would make sense. Protocol would dictate that a couple of people that were on stakeout would wait for backup, if there actually were any, beforehand, and they weren't just reacting to the silent alarm.
No, it probably wouldn't look too good if they did... and that's without even taking into account the actual consequences to their little community. XD
I wonder if the surveilance in other parts of the city (there is quite a bit of public surveilance, mind you) will be used in any way to stop you and/or your group, considering they have fingerprint evidence, most likely. The reason they might not would be search for higher priority targets. A little gang might be annoying, and something that would need stopping eventually, but not that dangerous to society.
That being said, and considering the group's previous adventures, now that there are charred bodies involved, that threat level increases significantly, especially with the fact that his teenagehood would be taken into account. That could get both the police and the smashers (on both sides) to acknowledge you more, which is not something you want for such a group. The fact that the surveilance went out at such a convenient time also might get at least some to be suspicious that there is a second smasher among you. Problems, worries, and threats. *dramatic chord*
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Jessa nodded. “Just… give me a couple minutes? I could have some useful stuff in there.”
... This makes me remeber that that is still most likely a crime scene recent enough to have yellow police line. It will probably have the place somewhat disheveled, and definitely searched, and then there is the off chance that there would be police personel actually still in the building... Also the possibility of certain devices placed by somewhat shady government agencies due to the fact that she was a Smasher, and with the thought that she's a teenager and there is a good chance she'd return to her house for resources, as she was wont to (especially if they noted she didn't take much, but whether they would or not is questionable; I wonder if they utilize Smashers in such searches, now... they could be quite useful, with such things; psychometrics, among others, might be of particular use...).
Hmm... No police lines at the door/s. Interesting. Somewhat suprising to me that it was unlocked too, but I won't go about arguing about that. Meh. Scratch that, as it is an apartment complex; for some reason I thought she was immediately entering her specific living space.
The fact that it's an apartment complex both makes me curious about how people would react to seeing her, and- ugh... Hunger Games advertisement on my Pandora station. -.- (I hate adds, not what it was advertising)-but anyway... it also makes me wonder how the likely camera footage of her within the complex would effect things, potentially, especially considering the date, and that she had just left the scene of a crime she was involved in. That might just bring you onto their metaphorical radar/RADAR (radio detection and randging; don't ask me how I know these things are acronyms; I just know things in many different categories; I don't remember how I find the majority of it out)... Sooo many things that could cause it to all go wrong... so many potential problems... *eye twitches* (I worry for her character, and how the Law will look upon her in the future, even if certain characters look at her differently... :/)
NOW I am feeling a bit odd about the fact that the yellow police tape was not still there, apparently. The key under the mat is understandable, though. *blames the police for not being attentative enough, unless some government agency claimed juristiction* Oh, and have you talked with Jae recently? Just wondering if you still haven't had the chance, or not... ._.
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Jessa thought of school with a pain. Her friends, her teachers, her entire education, would be left behind.
At least she was as old as she was at the time. Good to see that she actually values education, btw. Alot of people these days don't... Thousands of people drop out of school each day. :/
I actually wonder if they would be able to sell the jewelry without potential repercussions, but that's something for another time, and it was a good thought, at least. (oh, and it makes me wonder if actually going somewhere and buying something would be safe for any of them, but meh; By this, I mean eventually there could possibly be problems caused by that, especially if the law enforcement actually puts forth a coordinated effort to stop you guys; also, I wonder if APBs stay in stores, on occasion; that could be very interesting, especially considering they could potentially have the entirety of the Super City criminal database at their disposal, along with potentially a list of federal criminals; There is also the possibility they'd have fatial recognition programs to allow them to know if you are the secret identity of a villain [or anyone, frankly], which disturbs me...)
I'm posting this in case of bluescreens or internet problems, now, which I have been having a resurgence of, lately.
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Jessa knew she wouldn’t need it.
It would also cost money and allow her to be tracked by law enforcement, along with the electrical drain it would require to be able to make use of.
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She would share with the other girls, of course.
Makes me wonder about size problems, and whether or not some of her father's things would've fit some of the older boys.
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From there, Jessa moved to the pantry. She found another bag and placed all the non-perishable food inside.
That makes me crave Goldfish crackers, for some reason.
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A single tear escaped and ran down the side of her check before Jessa brushed it away.
I can understand that, especially given the time gap between her entry in the room and that time, but mentioning her crying so soon afterwords has a weird (negative) effect on the story. Just saying.
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Luke raised his eyebrows. “Wasn’t it you who stopped that gun from firing and saved me?”
Hmm... Possibly, though a bit questionable. Regardless, it's your story, and she hasn't gained control of her powers, yet, so it's plausible, and likely.
I see the seeds of relationships being sewn. Makes me wonder just how you shall have it go, later, with regards to specifics, as I already know much of how this arc flows, obviously (to us [assuming you didn't change it]). ;)
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He poured the cans into the crate, and Jessa followed suit.
Pouring them might not have been the best idea... XD
Compensation... interesting. Any particular reason for peaches in particular? *raises eyebrow*
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thinking of the past and future.
I didn't know she was a precog... lol
Nice chapter, I'd say. Raises interesting questions, both from the point of what should've happened/been, but didn't, and for what shall indeed happen in the future, and how prepared their little band of teenagers is for what may be to come.
< Message edited by Drakkoniss -- 3/24/2012 13:23:51 >
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