3 Vandoren
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This is my first correction post, so go easy on me...
The bolded things are the problems I see, rightio? Rightio.
quote:
"Leave while you can hero... shes comi-"
I think you meant "she's"
quote:
Since I don't know who I am I can't trust anyone right now.
You should put a comma between "who I am" and "I can't trust." Also, you should remove the "right now" at the end, it makes the sentence not quite sound right.
quote:
"W-who are you?.."
I think you meant "...?" or "?".
quote:
We need to get you into protection."
There is probably no way this sentence would sound right, so you should probably just change it to "We need to get you to somewhere safe."
quote:
I was in some sort of cabin??
Just one question mark is proper.
quote:
Well I didn't until I heard a scream and looked
I think a comma after "Well" would be proper, too.
quote:
"Um, sorry. o_o"
I don't think emoticons have a place in dialogue, you should instead describe the face the character makes.
quote:
I know its really weird.
Well, first, there should be a comma after "know", and "it's" instead of "its".
quote:
"Heya Ofek"
There is a distinct lack of punctuation that just killed my eyes. There should be a comma after "Heya" and a period/exclamation point after "Ofek".
quote:
Why are you taking a shower in your clothes? e_e"
Like I previously stated, emoticons have no place in dialogue. You should describe the face the character makes, outside of dialogue.
quote:
like showing you my socks sharing my yogu- oh right.
"Oh, right." is what you meant to say.
Cool story, so far, though! Don't quite understand the bathroom thing...
...Doesn't matter, anything that is in the immediate area of Cysero doesn't need to be understood.
WriteOn!
< Message edited by Necro Berserk -- 1/7/2012 1:12:38 >
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