(AQ) A Simple Man's War Machine Discussion


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7/21/2012 21:54:26

Phrixus
Member

Hello all, I thought I'd make a commentary thread for this err, short story of mine. I have an origin I'd like to write but I thought I'd test the water out with this simple one.

However I am notoriously long winded and sometimes length gets the best of me.

The first chapter is mainly just to set this tone. We'll see how it goes. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Here it is.

Added game to title. ~DD

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 7/22/2012 7:17:34 >

Epic

Post #: 1

7/22/2012 9:52:12

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

It was nice to see a tale on Ulgathi again, we need more of those.

As for the story itself, I believe that a Burrower Worm would be more likely to ascend from below and bite a man's legs off.
Death Worms would be more likely to swarm someone "like eels on a drowning lamb".

AQW

Post #: 2

7/28/2012 4:53:41

Elryn

Custodian (DF)

*Elryn grins*

A short, but interesting read. As expected.

I found a few things missing:

quote:

"Here it is, but only Ulgathi are to enter. We cannot violate one of our most sacred places." Koruk said matter-of-factly. ''I completely understand, I just need this to study and to harness. I know why they kill for it. It doesn't take much to move a being to take life from another. The real question is what it can be used for. "

quote:

"Poacher trash blown all the way from Skraeling I see." Pesmerga retorted. ''I knew I smelt something a little too gritty for these woods, but I admit I was foolish to let my company and I be tracked. "

quote:

"I can end this pain for you now and send you on your way to the reaper if you like. You've failed miserably and have brought shame to Sifu. You would think a Master's son would amount to more than a common thug.'' scowled Pesmerga in dissapointment.

< Message edited by Elryn -- 7/28/2012 4:54:41 >

Post #: 3

9/16/2012 15:58:57

Phrixus
Member

Thank you all for this commentary. This semester keeps me busy as I am trying to get an early start on my Masters degree but this story is meant to go much further. Its merely an introduction.

Thank you very much for you commentary and help. I'm open to all of it. I will add to this whenever I can as the setting will change and so will some of the characters. This part is merely used to introduce a mineral of question and perhaps the motive and company behind its exploitation.

From what is already written, I do think it needs some doctoring up and could be made more interesting. If granted enough time I will try to do that as well.

< Message edited by Phrixus -- 9/16/2012 15:59:45 >

Epic

Post #: 4

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