RevzZ the Optivus
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Ahh...I remember this story. It was part of a contest I was in too: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=20354442
I came second but I don't think I count as "profession" opinion. I'm giving a general critique though.
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as a freshly fallen snow
Alternatively, you could keep the 'a' and replace snow with snowflake.
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His hair was jet black, and grew down to his shoulders
Sounds a bit off somehow. You could replace it with "His hair was jet black, flowing down to his shoulders". If you want to make it sound better, use the 5 senses of a human. Perhaps you may want to explain the scent of the hair. Same with the singing. Use the human sense of hearing to your advantage.
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At this point, Aldmava quickly got up, and tugged on Negafok’s coat. “No, Master. He is Seta, my friend,” her cheeks turned a bit pink, “he must’ve come to rescue me when he heard me scream.”
If you'd been attacked, wouldn't you be breathing hard as well? This would put a lot more pauses in your speech.
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“Thanks for paying, Seta,” Negafok said,
I noticed a string of commas in this one. Think of speech as anyone else. Would you take a short breath if you were saying a sentence that small?
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he was taught that, if a woman needs to be carried by a man
No need.
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curses, from on individuals to entire lands.
No need.
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We need an army of spirits to fight back. Seta! You can communicate with spirits! We need you!
Maybe change it if you want it to sound better. Perhaps Negafok can suddenly realize that Seta can help.
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Seta’s eyes widened.
Changed to past tense.
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Negafok gets a pained look in his eyes.
Needs past tense. I suggest: "A pained look formed in the giant's eyes"
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At least she left me with my ice powers.
Sounds awkward somehow. I suggest: "Only my ice powers have remained intact after her curse was placed upon me"
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.Alright, Master.
Same as before. Won't even need a millisecond of breath. They may be fictional characters but are still human. Unless they don't breathe of course 
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as if they’d already discussed this.
Changed to past tense.
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But, her hair was charcoal black
No need.
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But, then her smile faded.
Same as above.
From this point, there were so many "no need for commas" that I left out a minor points of error which weren't really worth mentioning. Read it over and see if you can find it, because I didn't want to make the post toooo long.
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Except for its head and hands, it had the body of a man without clothing. Its skin had a light, but pale blue tone to it. Its hands were bear paws, complete with a bear’s vicious nails.
Stay on topic. Move the description of the skin elsewhere. Remember, you're in the flow of the head and hands, as referenced from the previous sentence. Otherwise you risk losing the trail of thought. Slowly describe from the head to toe of the creature.
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sat down at the small café, It was all they ordered
Replaced word.
Book II:
Jumble up the words a bit. Pants aren't the only clothes worn in the winter!
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Its body seemed to be moth-like, but with claws and horns like a dragon.
What about the mouth? The monster appears to be moth-dragon yet it can either have a mouth like a dragon or moth. The tiniest details are, by far, the most important.
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Since Seta had Aldmava in his arms, he was unable to hold his sword, which is why Negafok charged her with his hammer instead.
Change to past tense. I can't correct it because it needs to be changed completely. Put a full stop and split it into two sentences.
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but nothing but a magical force
Change it. Sounds too confusing.
Book III:
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Two young women, dressed in blue silk garments, were peeking into that window.
Fixed.
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The Water and Earth Kings, and Ice Queen, were waiting when Seta came down. He bowed on one knee in their presence.“Your Majesties, and Her Highness, Lady Yuki-Onna…..I apologize for not addressing the Kings, it’s just that Yuki-Onna’s image is well known in my village.” The Earth King stepped towards him. “Worry not about that. Seta, we have called you here because we have decided that you will ride into battle on a mount. Specifically, this mount.” The water in the pool erupted as the battle mount they’d prepared came forth.
Fixed to past tense.
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until it actually was floating about a meter above the water’s surface.
Unnecessary. Language sounded off.
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The orca faced the canal leading out, and opened its mouth. A cold, blue energy was generated, and a giant beam of magic shot forward
Fixed several to past tense.
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Several Ice spirits brought out a chest on wheels.
Fixed to past tense.
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The whole armor was generally made of a dark, grayish-blue metal, with the exception of a golden, chainmail midsection, for both defense and flexibility. The gauntlets were somewhat broad, like thin shields, probably for the purpose of quickly blocking if Seta needed to. Both the gauntlets and greaves, though majorly the blue-grey metal, were trimmed with gold. The shoulders of the armor were armed with an array of long spikes, so Seta could fight using shoulder tackles. His dark blue cape was purposefully tattered to assist intimidation factor. Up at the shoulder area of the cape, acting as a backdrop to the shoulder spikes, was one broad, triangular blade on each shoulder. The blades were of the same golden metal as his chainmail. His helmet was smooth blue-grey, and had an open face, and an opening in the back for his long hair, though the shoulder blades helped to protect that opening from arrows and other projectiles.. Across the face opening stretched a band of golden chainmail, like the face mask of a ninja
Too much detail! If you want to keep it, appeal to the human senses. Don't keep hovering over just the sight.
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The big man drew his hammer, and gave it to Seta. “Use this tomorrow. I know that the sword the Earth spirits gave you has served you well, but you know of the incredible magical energy this hammer contains. As my only son, you may be the only other person in the world who can use its power. Since, you’re leading our army; you need as much power as possible.” Seta took the hammer, which he could lift like a baby bird, despite the crushing amount it would weigh if anyone besides him or Negafok lifted it
No hesitation? I'm sure Seta would at least feel a teensy bit of hesitation if he took his father's only form of defence.
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The witch rushed at Seta and his mount. Suddenly, strands of dripping wet seaweed lunged from the sea, and binded her flaming body.
Fixed to past tense.
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Instantly, the seaweed steamed, and burned up like dried vines, and she blasted a stream of fire at Seta. It missed, but the force of the attack knocked him from the orca’s back. He landed on the ice, but the hammer was knocked from his hand, and fell into the water. Luckily, its magic froze the surface as it got close, and the hammer landed on its own, miniature iceberg. The orca tried to assist Seta, but Wahkahnee lunged at it, and wrapped her coils around its body.
Fixed to past tense. Changed a word to make it sound better. Remember: If you use past tense in a story, use it for the whole story, unless situation absolutely demands it must be used.
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he got an idea that could end the duel.
Fixed.
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Wahkahnee should’ve done the smart thing. But, at this point, Chaos had warped her mind completely.
This just twisted in my mind. It doesn't make sense. Here's what I would've used: "Under normal circumstances, Wahkahnee would've taken the logical path. However, years of Chaos had warped her mind completely, beyond reason."
See how this lines flows more easily? Don't be afraid to extend the sentence to make sound more appealing.
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But the undeniable truth is that water snuffs out fire.
Good! Good! This is a perfect example of when present tense in a past tense story works! 
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ran across the shore to him, screaming his name longingly, lunging at him with her arms stretched wide,
This one needs to be present tense.
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Seta gave a little laugh as they both ran, as quickly as they could to Aldmava’s house.
Fixed to past tense.
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The scene is about 20 years later, and Lore is now a prosperous planet of intermixing civilizations. At a sunny beach with calm waters, a gorgeous young woman comes up from the water after a pleasant swim. She wears a light blue swimsuit, and has sizable chests, which compliment the rest of her flawless body. She has shoulder-length silver hair, and light grey eyes the color of river stones. As she walks onto the beach, a bunch of guys approach her making rude calls at her. “Heya busty baby,” one says, “didn’t your momma ever teach you that it’s dangerous to swim alone? Come hang with us, we treat beach babes right.” Kemasi smirks. “I wasn’t swimming alone, I was with my gang. And I trust them more than know-nothing meatheads like you.” The guys started jeering more. “You’re too good for them. Call them over; we’ll fight them for you.” Kemasi looked to the sea, and snapped her fingers. “Kick these losers’ teeth in.” The water’s surface erupted, as a pod of about 10 orcas leapt from the sea, and floated in the air. “Well, this is my gang,” Kemasi grinned, “still want to fight?” The men, scared as mice, took off. “That’s what I thought,” she said, “immature jerks.”
Good! This is in perfect tense!
Problems
Negafok is a bigger being, a giant even. His voice would be a lot deeper than other characters. He wouldn't be just talking. He'd be booming his words. Don't be afraid to use upper case letters for shouting. Keep words tied into the character's personality. If a tree is talking, it is likely to be an old tree. This would mean that it would use more formal and advanced language.
Also, mix it up a bit with names. It may be slight but you can replace names with brief descriptions of them, especially if the name was only just used in a sentence.
While it may be a small problem, I find it constantly ringing in my head. Cursing someone simply with their first name doesn't make sense. There are plenty out there who can are proud owners of the same name. Perhaps you can change it so that it curses whoever she directs it at. A spear of thought? A pointed finger? Your choice.
I noticed that you had a lot of present tense in the stories. A story written in this context needs to be in past tense and you've written a lot of the story in past tense. Ease up on the commas as well. Not everyone needs to take a tiny breath every time they say something. I can understand if Aldmava and townsfolk would need it but Seta doesn't seem like someone who needs that much breath. He sings, which means he has a lot of breath. This means he could probably say a whole sentence without needing a breath.
Positives
The descriptions! Those were amazing! I absolutely love it when people use simple, plain language. It makes everything so much easier to understand. Plot was amazing! The story of a young man and woman, leading their lives to survive. By the end of the story, they were no longer who they were before. Seta has grown into a fierce warrior, outshining his father's legend by far. Aldmava has grown beyond her fears very quickly and has developed a very close bond with the man she was destined to be with. There was a very wide variety of scenes and the paragraphs are perfectly placed. Characters are very well created and it does invoke a couple of emotions when they are stuck in tight spots. The witch starts out showing vast knowledge, skill and of course, danger. Logical, smart and powerful. She appears unstoppable. As the story progresses, she becomes lazy and overconfident. Her overconfidence takes over her at the final battle, when she realizes that she has underestimated him. This is her downfall and she loses her once-menacing mind.
Bringing the a close pet-companion into the story is brilliant. However, I am surprised Seta decided not to give it a name. Especially with that kind of bond. An post-war scene is an excellent idea to bring a suspenseful story to an end. It brings back the happy emotions which the characters experienced throughout the story. When one door closes, another opens. The fact that Kemasi outshines her father once again reflects upon Seta having more talent than his own father. This was an absolute delight to read and I commend you on your talent in writing. I look forward to your next stories! Thank you for showing me what a joy it is to explore the wide talent of writing there is still out there!
-RO
< Message edited by RevzZ the Optivus -- 1/10/2013 20:51:18 >
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