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RE: Commentary - [AQ/DF] The Blood Legacy

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8/30/2012 20:45:18   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Well,

quote:

This new chapter upcoming will delve into the strongest non-evil clan


The Vyniz are exceptionally strong. Not like the Bloodraven and Goddenomega, but they're freakin' beasts
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 26
8/30/2012 23:52:28   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Suprise bio on an upcoming character


Name: The One who Dwells in Nightmares
Age: 80,000+
Gender: Female
Species: Twilight Wraith
Physical description: Her face is completely featureless, besides for long black shadowy hair. She has the body of The Forgotten, a long lost race of shadow beings dwelling beneath the Tree of Kings in Alnaphar Valley. However, she possesses a voluptious body, her curves greatly pronounced.

Weapon(s): -censored-
Abilities: -censored-


Personality: -censored-
Hometown: -censored-
History: -censored-
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 27
8/31/2012 14:41:17   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Chapter VIII is meant to be so short. The next time their fight is mentioned, someone will be down for the count. Permanently
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 28
9/1/2012 20:15:14   
Glais
Member

Caught up, sorry that took so long.

Hm, so Chapter 7 brought about some very powerful moves, characters that are Multi-Mountain level. Pretty impressive.

Didn't really like Chapter 8, but eh oh well. Was just kind of weird to me.
DF MQ  Post #: 29
9/18/2012 13:54:21   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Chapter Nine is up.

spoiler:

Vladimir reborn!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 30
9/20/2012 2:26:21   
Glais
Member

Well...things just got a lot more complicated.
DF MQ  Post #: 31
9/20/2012 15:58:28   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 You see, just jumping into an all out nine-clan war seemed too boring. So I added in plot devices.

spoiler:

The kidnapping of the clan leaders by a reborn Vladimir Romanov
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 32
9/20/2012 16:53:40   
Glais
Member

I don't blame you for that, there needs to be sufficient buildup and whatnot.
DF MQ  Post #: 33
9/20/2012 16:54:42   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 So what do you think of
spoiler:

Vladimir's Reborn
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 34
9/20/2012 16:59:40   
Glais
Member

Gonna make things a bit one side, for him I think :P
DF MQ  Post #: 35
9/20/2012 19:10:38   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 No, not this time. However, this Vladimir is smarter than his former self, and packs a few more punches. This one is more magic/mystical-oriented opposed to the former's scientific approach
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 36
9/20/2012 19:35:14   
Glais
Member

He's still (if I remember right) powerful enough to
spoiler:

Create his own Universe(s) to draw power from.
That already gives him quite a large advantage
DF MQ  Post #: 37
9/20/2012 19:37:03   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 See, that shows the former one's scientific means of power. Vladimir Baku is more mystical/magical. Think of Romanov as Lim and Baku as Cysero
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 38
9/20/2012 19:48:15   
Glais
Member

Ah I see, is his Magic side equally powerful (or deadly, as those are two different things) as his Science side?
DF MQ  Post #: 39
9/20/2012 19:54:20   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Well...

Romanov uses various chemicals and sterodic boosting compounds to further his physical strength. He only knows about a handful of actual spells, and not his own magical aura being manipulated.

Baku was born with monstrous power and speed, opposed to being "enhanced". He has the power to manipulate yokai that bow to his will *which is generally all of them*. He has a magical blade, but you'll see what it can do later on, when you see Baku in action.


However, you don't want to be on the receiving end of the stick when those two team up.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 40
9/20/2012 20:11:48   
Glais
Member

Sounds pretty bad, wondering...how will he have any challenge? Sounds like he can probably dominate everyone in a fight xP
DF MQ  Post #: 41
9/20/2012 20:14:11   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Both have some serious flaws, however.

Vladimir can overload on Doom energy and go *pop*

For Baku, it's more detailed
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 42
9/28/2012 20:24:54   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Chapter Ten is up. Have fun!

*sneezes*
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 43
9/30/2012 6:13:19   
Glais
Member

Cast is becoming quite large. Find it interesting that this character is relatively normal as far as power goes, a nice change actually.
DF MQ  Post #: 44
9/30/2012 18:40:40   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 The cast will swell until I feel like committing a wide-spread character massacre.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 45
10/1/2012 23:45:34   
Mordred
Member

Managed to read this, with some degree of difficulty. Most derived from the most-outstanding issue; how you handle dialogue. I have no idea who's speaking to who or why at several points. This is worsened when it seems you also get mistaken as to who's speaking, and will mix up names. Clean up this, and the readability will dramatically increase.

Also of issue are action scenes. They just aren't fluid, and I'm often left wondering what happened. This can be a good thing when made unclear intentionally, but when I'm having a hard time following everything, something's off. The lack of description behind many action leaves my mind with gaps between Action A and Result A. I see the start of Action A, and then Result A without knowing how I reached the result.

Something I will be really critical of is Alaric's teasing Azrael for kissing Safiria. It makes no sense, given his character. He's meant to be a Sue of a warlord, meting out death and destruction for thousands of years. But his cousin making out with a chick reduces him to the maturity of a twelve-year-old? I don't buy it. If he's meant to be that mature, he should be that way all the time. There's far too much incongruity there, and short of having two personalities, can't be explained away.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 46
10/2/2012 19:02:25   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Everything seems normal to me, but I see what you're getting at.

You haven't read my previous writings involving Alaric, so I wouldn't expect you to understand the situation. He hasn't been living for thousands of years. In fact, he should be just over 1000. He was never a person who could be understood outside of a fight.

Thanks for the critique
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 47
1/24/2013 13:11:13   
VanHellsin24
Banned


 Oi, haven't been here in a while. Alright guys. I got some bad news.

Doctors found possible tumors in my brain...and I might die tomorrow. These may be not tumors but accumulating matter from my migranes.

I will try to push in a new chapter amid my grim circumstances.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 48
1/24/2013 13:29:36   
1c3 r3b0rn
Banned


 If you do happen to die tomorrow, man in the sky forbid, I hope your family goes through it just fine.

_____________________________
AQW  Post #: 49
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